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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's ended it and I'm broken

43 replies

IWantToMakeUsWork · 12/09/2013 18:18

Sorry I know this is my second thread in days Hmm

Me and my OH together 6 years and have a baby DD. we've been having problems for the last 6/7m. Mainly because I don't get along with his mother. This has caused huge problems for us and we had time apart and all that but now he's ended it.

I'm devastated. He don't talk about it. Just said its over I'm done. I can't stop crying, I can't eat. I love him and want to make us work but he said he can't see how.

How do I get over this? Anyone to hand hold?

OP posts:
Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 12/09/2013 18:23

Has he taken his mothers side against you? Any man that chooses his mother over his partner is probably best avoided. If he can't back you up it's not good.

flippingebay · 12/09/2013 18:39

I've just read your other thread and a man that puts his mother before me and my DC isn't much cop tbh.

Are you sure it's just the mother thing? Seems v extreme to end it because you have issues with his mum (and her you)?

AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 18:43

What a Manchild he is

Did Mummy tell him to finish with you ?

There is more to it than that, love

Letsadmitit · 12/09/2013 18:48

Well, welcome on board, it may be painful at first but much better than a life being dubservient to your MIL's desires.

As the other said, a man that puts his mother before his family is not worth keeping.

SarahJayne321 · 12/09/2013 18:49

If he doesn't even have the balls to talk to you properly about it, and has ended it because of his bloody mother then he's probably done you a huge favour.

What seems like the worst thing ever right now may just be a blessing in disguise.

Let yourself wallow for today, and try your best, if not for your sake, for your DD to start fresh and positive tomorrow xx

maras2 · 12/09/2013 19:07

Definitely more to it than MIL sticking her nose in.When you start to feel up to it,do a little digging.So sorry that you are hurting.He sounds very unkind and she sounds poisonous.Keep posting here,the women who advise on this forum have a wealth of experience and are no nonsense but very kind too.

Original poster
IWantToMakeUsWork · 12/09/2013 19:07

This thing with his mum has caused huge huge problems, I had to limit the time my DD was with her because of things she said and that almost split us up but now he says he can't accept that ill never get on with his family and never have big Christmases and holidays ect... I've said I can be civil but that's not enough.

Many people have said leave but I love him we use to have a great relationship and I don't wanna give up on us but what choice do I have. It's killing me

OP posts:
Original poster
IWantToMakeUsWork · 12/09/2013 19:07

This thing with his mum has caused huge huge problems, I had to limit the time my DD was with her because of things she said and that almost split us up but now he says he can't accept that ill never get on with his family and never have big Christmases and holidays ect... I've said I can be civil but that's not enough.

Many people have said leave but I love him we use to have a great relationship and I don't wanna give up on us but what choice do I have. It's killing me

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 12/09/2013 19:09

It might feel like the end of the world just now, but it will get better, I promise.

Ledkr · 12/09/2013 19:12

Seriously. He's leaving his partner, child , home and life for his mother?
Tell him to fuck off!
What a total cunt.
You will have a better life without morons like this in it.
His mum has lost now totally as grandparents have no legal rights at present.
You will be fine, wipe your nose and show him he can't buly you like his mother tried to.

Original poster
IWantToMakeUsWork · 12/09/2013 19:21

I've lost everything. My partner, my house, my little family unit.

I'm a SAHM so I have no income. We have an amazing holiday booked now that will be gone.

I can't stop crying and don't understand why he doesn't want to try and work through our problems?! It was only last week we had a great family day out now its gone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 19:56

It wasn't real, love. It was conditional. I am very sorry x

perfectstorm · 12/09/2013 20:05

You haven't lost everything, you have your gorgeous, beautiful, amazing dd. Hold on to that.

I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. His behaviour is appalling and he's obviously in no way ready to be anyone's father - he's still his mummy's little boy. :/

mammadiggingdeep · 12/09/2013 20:14

Sorry youre going through this. Another one here who thinks there's more to it. Have you got someone you can call to be with you, maybe for a few days? What about your mum?

ofmiceandmen · 12/09/2013 20:26

AnyFucker - is real love unconditional? So must it accept abuse, maltreatment, and perhaps Ostracism from one's family?

IWantToMakeUsWork surely there must be more to this, it read from your comment on him that he is a loving person and most things in your relationship seem good.
I can't fathom someone leaving because of the mother unless something really devastating has happened.
How do you get to a point you can say 'I will be civil with your mother and that's it'

Perhaps revisit the root cause, is it a feeling of loyalty? from his end or your end. how does someone get to this point? and why does it only happen in the last 6/7 months?

Is it just me or is there more to this?

Original poster
IWantToMakeUsWork · 12/09/2013 20:28

I'm with my mum and she's been a life saver today. I never thought I'd feel like this. We wee having alot of problems but I didn't think things would go this far

How can he say he loves me?

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 12/09/2013 20:42

Glad you're with your mum and she's helping you out. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process all if this. You're in shock at the mo perhaps....

AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 20:48

mice no, love is not unconditional

but it really must not be conditional on whether your MIL approves of you or not

ofmiceandmen · 12/09/2013 20:57

I've just read parts of your other post OP,

I feel you have both fallen victim to the pressures of a child entering your lives and perhaps a combination of exhaustion, resentment at his lack of presence or support during the early tough months has found voice in this battle with MIL

I've known so many couples fall at this hurdle - I call them the first baby battles- some hobble on but ultimately the damage and resentment that builds during this phase is too much for some to cope with.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I think you really need to dig deep and find out where this stems from. for your DC's sake - you will have an ex that has contact of one form or another and sadly his MIL through him. So realise that the DC control thing is not the real problem here. this is deeper-

Letsadmitit · 12/09/2013 21:30

Mice, it is a chicken and egg question. Some devastadting things can happen (like this one) when a relationship is eroded by an overpowering MIL and an unsatisfactory husband who doesn't keep her at bay.

It is not true that there should be something deeper or more devastating lurking in the relationship.

OP is sad today, but I'm sure there have been regular times when she felt hurt, afronted, offended and diminished by her MIL and the lack of protection from her husband. That wouldn't have her being a full of joy welcoming smiley woman (and to be honest I wouldn't blame her at all!)

Ezio · 12/09/2013 21:54

Im so sorry OP, i know you wanted to make it work, but he was in a fantasy land, and obviously not very mature.

The hurt will pass eventually, it will turn to anger, but try and control it, you'll be fine and so will DD.

Hes made a huge mistake in leaving you, and hes gonna find his life very lonely and sad now you and your DD arent around.

Please dont let him emotionally blackmail you into brushing incidents under the carpet for your relationship sake.

He made this choice, he can deal with the fall out.

flippingebay · 12/09/2013 21:56

You say he's ended it because you can't get in with his family and he won't have a family Xmas... But YOU and your DC are his family now too!

A man that us prepared to do this to you without even trying isn't worth it... He should be supporting you and protecting you from your MIL, not putting her first...

Ezio · 12/09/2013 21:57

Maybe a taste of xmas with your DD around might give him a shot of what hes missing.

Ezio · 12/09/2013 21:59

without

WipsGlitter · 12/09/2013 22:05

You seem to have reacted very strongly to what is mum was doing / saying. If you want to save your relationship could you not just let it flow over you a bit more?

Or is here more to it? Are you in a position to return to work? Are you on mat leave?