Looking for your opinions on an argument with h this morning

[anonymous13]

Hi all

This is the argument as it unfolded this morning as dc were getting ready for school.

H: "Don't chase her" (I was going to check whether my neighbour had responded to a text I had sent her about her son walking to school with mine - I wasn't going to send her another text).

Me: "Don't tell me what to do from second to second" (meaning don't micro manage me)

H: (Getting cross) - "Don't tell me what to do every second?" (incredulous and angry) "Shut up" (said horribly). "Fuck off"

I am not sure of the sequence but the main thing is that h's reaction was out of keeping with what had been said as well as cold and horrible.

Me: Something like "Jesus!" and "So you can say what you like to people (h has very bossy / autocratic / critical tendencies) but other people can't. You've got an anger problem."

H to me - and this is what has really upset me: "You've got an arsehole problem"

All of this happened with the dc in the room .

Taking the above at face value and without knowing the background about h and I, I am just wondering what you think about the above. Please be gentle!!

Relate?

He's right. You do have an arsehole problem.

And the arsehole is him.

How often do these exchanges take place, and do they always run along the same lines?

Not good, not good at all also because the dc were in the room as well.
What do the two of you want to teach them about relationships?. Both of you need to give that thorny question your due consideration.

What is the background here, what is your relationship like generally?.

As a one off it sounds like two tired people havong a go at each other. Not nice but a one off, easily fixed.

The fact you're asking suggests this isn't a one off though and it sounds like a horrible way to live for everybody.

In response to his first comment I'd have replied "I'm just looking to see if she's replied, I'm not going to text her again". The fact that you were instantly defensive and rather rude suggests that you were already wound up or expecting a big row. And that's no way to live.

So frankly it sounds like you were both spoiling for a fight.

Honestly though, I find getting ready for school in the morning one of the most stressful times of the day.

I'm sure DH and I bicker over stupid misunderstandings at that time of day.

From not knowing either of you, him saying "don't chase her" doesn't really sound that bossy and your reaction did seem a little unnecessarily defensive.

But if he's generally a very bossy person and he wasn't offering advice, but actually TELLING you how to respond, then I can see why you were not in the humour for listening.

Thank you for your thoughts. I have name changed for this as I wanted to see what people thought of the argument in particular, so it's interesting (and useful) to see that people think I played a part in it.... I was defensive because h does have a history of telling others what to do, but of not taking the same from them, so I suppose it got my goat...

Still, despite that, what has left me really reeling is the speed with which everything descended into "shut up" - "fuck off" (from him) and then the killer "you have an arsehole problem". We have exchanges like this possibly every two or three months (roughly) - which are then followed by weeks of not talking . That is the main problem, the fact that we have NO resolution mechanism, and bad communication, and these are H's problems as he is very stubborn, and capable of not talking for weeks and weeks, staying buried behind his laptop for hours each and every evening.

So I snapped this morning and told him we are finished. The last episode like this that really hurt me was when he called me a "dog" at the swimming pool, and this was followed by complete silence. I pulled us out of that by talking to different people about that and gaining strength that way. The argument is never spoken about between us though, and H never ever apologises.

I just don't know how I get on with living my life normally after I have basically been called an arsehole, and in front of my children. Otherwise h does not normally call me names, but we have a difficult relationship which I wish was a lot more open and affectionate.

We went to couples counselling last year for a bit but that fell through after h refused to go back after one difficult session where I had let some of my anger out (thinking it would be ok with the counsellor there).

Just don't know why I should now put up with weeks of silence while h is lovely and affectionate to the kids. Makes me feel like a piece of rubbish.

Stonewalling like that for weeks on end is abusive.

Months of refusing to speak is EA.

I think I remember your thread about the 'dog' incident. I don't know what to suggest, it sounds horrible. Counselling might work if your DH commits to it but it doesn't sound as if he thinks he's doing anything wrong.

I think he sounds horrid and disrespectful, while you are outspoken and assertive. That's not a criticism btw.

He is rude/scathing/bossy to you.
You rail against it.
He sees it as a reason to blow his top and become verbally abusive.

I bet he tells you that you are just as bad as he is, and accuses you of starting arguments when you stand up for yourself.

Yes, agree that the stonewalling is emotionally abusive. I suppose what I would like to know is how other people would take being called an "arsehole". For me it's a deal breaker but maybe I am being over sensitive?

The "problem" with h is that he basically does not need me (or seem to particularly want me) apart from the fact that I look after the dc.

Yes pictish - thank you - this is a good description of what can happen between us:

He is rude/scathing/bossy to you.
You rail against it.
He sees it as a reason to blow his top and become verbally abusive.

Oops, tried to type what you had said in bold but it didn't work.

We never get to the stage where we discuss specific arguments, but it is impossible for us to discuss anything beyond the very banal childcare type of stuff without it becoming an argument. In this way "issues" are never dealt with.

The language he uses is a choice. My x p didn't ever swear at me or name call until I had dc1. Then he felt able to tell me to fuck off, "fuck you" etc etc. Arsehole was his favourite name for me.
He chose to start using that aggressive abusive behaviour and so did your h. It's unacceptable and especially in front of your dc.
My xp also ignored me for long periods of time....whilst being affectionate and fun with the dc. Very confusing for them.

What do u want to do about it? Sorry you're in this situation :(

I would much rather things worked between us, but as soon as he said the word "arsehole" this morning, I thought - that's it - enough. Except that I have thought that before and climbed back down from it mentally as the thought of separating and all that it entails, is awful. It's not so much that I want to live separately as that I don't know how I can be self-respecting and yet carry on living with someone who seems to hate me?

You can't.

Carry on like this I mean....

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is a healthy relationship - for one person to call the other names like that and then stonewall for weeks?

If you don't, make plans to leave.

You'll be happier. They will see that such treatment is not acceptable in a relationship.

I thought my x p hated me. That is how it makes you feel. When I spoke to his mum she told me that he had often said that "mamma doesn't have a bad bone in her body, she's got a heart of gold". This was even worse for me. He knew that I'm kind and wanting to love him but he still made me feel shitty and unloved. It's probably the same with your h. You can't get your head around their behaviour because you wouldn't do it yourself, you're not in their kind set.
Of course you don't want to separate but you need to weigh up what's mire painful. Separation or staying in a situation where you are made to feel unloved.

I sent him this text this morning:

"I am going to find out about a trial separation. I don't think there is ever going to be a real relationship between us that involves communication and love. There seems to be only being disliked and called names. You said I have "arsehole problems". A few months ago at the pool you called me a "dog". I think it is pretty clear that you hate me. I have tried to put up with the lack of affection and real communication where we could share the things we are scared of, but I cannot do it anymore."

Cheesy maybe. I don't know. I couldn't have said these things face to face, or with a lot of difficulty.

So have now wasted 2 and half hours of my morning worrying about all of this, when things could be so much better. The only conclusion that I can come to is that he really does not like me, so he should actually be relieved if we are no longer together??

Sorry, missed your post mamma. Did you xp try to save your relationship?