Looking for your opinions on an argument with h this morning

[anonymous13]

Hi all

This is the argument as it unfolded this morning as dc were getting ready for school.

H: "Don't chase her" (I was going to check whether my neighbour had responded to a text I had sent her about her son walking to school with mine - I wasn't going to send her another text).

Me: "Don't tell me what to do from second to second" (meaning don't micro manage me)

H: (Getting cross) - "Don't tell me what to do every second?" (incredulous and angry) "Shut up" (said horribly). "Fuck off"

I am not sure of the sequence but the main thing is that h's reaction was out of keeping with what had been said as well as cold and horrible.

Me: Something like "Jesus!" and "So you can say what you like to people (h has very bossy / autocratic / critical tendencies) but other people can't. You've got an anger problem."

H to me - and this is what has really upset me: "You've got an arsehole problem"

All of this happened with the dc in the room .

Taking the above at face value and without knowing the background about h and I, I am just wondering what you think about the above. Please be gentle!!

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What keeps you within this, the fear of being alone?. You're pretty much alone now, you have this millstone around your neck to boot.

Joint counselling by the way is never recommended where there is any type of abuse within the relationship. Am not at all surprised to see that he bailed on the sessions, he does not think he has done anything wrong re yourself in the first place.

Your H had a rotten childhood granted and he has been damaged by it BUT it is still no excuse for his abusive behaviours towards you. He certainly learnt a lot of damaging stuff from his parents, would you now want your children to learn the same?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

It does not matter whether he is relieved. What matters is that you feel relieved. Best of luck.

Re. the unresolved issues with me, yes there are some and that is why I wanted to go to counselling. The counselling fell through however and I don't know where you go after that.

You had couples counselling before. It sounds like you would like some for yourself?

I don't think anyone else has said this, so will say I really think you should read this I'm yet another person who has been exactly where you are. He doesn't want to change. It's really not that difficult not to call someone you love a dog and an arsehole. It's actually pretty damn hard to ignore someone you share a house with for weeks on end so he is going to a lot of trouble to make you feel bad. The only change he will make is to get worse with each bit of bad behaviour he gets away with, and the only decision you have to make is do you want to live as you are now for the next fifty years?

Hi OP,

Echoing lots of really good posts here. It's that 'feeling of being hated' in your home - which is just so intolerable and shocking. Home - where you're supposed to feel safe. it feels horribly familiar and is most definitely abusive. Mammadigging, your posts are brilliant and the end was the same for me: it just gets to a point where you say 'This cannot continue', and whatever thoughts you have about providing a 'perfect' family for the children just crumble when you realise what they are witness to.

That thing when your H is delightful to the children and just hateful to you, kills you inside. This used to happen to me. After a long day of childcare - the DCs were 2 and 3 - he would rush to see them, hugs, greetings, smiles, kisses - he wouldn't even look at me, let alone say 'hello'. Nothing made me feel more hated that (But god help you if you raise the subject.) Oh unless you count when he went on for hours insulting me, my family, my friends etc etc. And shouted at me for 'always disagreeing' with him. God, standing up for yourself is the biggest crime isn't it?

See? More than 2 years down the line I'm still angry, upset and raging about it. But I know I did the right thing, have never regretted making him go and did not miss him for an instant after he went. Yes there are hard bits, times when I look at other couples being a team and supporting each other with their kids and I think 'why couldn't I have had that?' - but I remind myself that I can't miss what I never had, and try to womanfully pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on.

I have had amazing support from RL friends and family. Mumsnet is a great great resource for making you feel you are neither mad nor alone. Not every family has to have two parents living under the same roof. Mine is a lot happier for just having one.

Will write more later but wanted to say thanks for the new messages. In answer to your question have0, I have just finished two years of one to one counselling. It was nice to talk to someone but in a sense it just helped me to put up with a situation which I find lonely and hard.

That is sad.
I dont know what happens in counselling. I always thought that they helped talk through things and find possible strategies?

Poppyfield....so so sorry that you have been through it too. You explain it so well...that crushing feeling.....the feeling ofloneliness within a relationship :( I also look at other couples parenting as a team but when I feel sad I have to remind myself that it was neverike that anyway. I feel angry too, as time goes on I see it for what it was more and more. Can't believe I put up with it for so long!!!! You're right too bout the dream of a traditional family unit crumbling but we have done the right thing by our dc.

Op....you are on your own journey. The fact you've posted on here is a good step forward. Give yourself head space and time to reflect honestly. Something a good friend uses to say to me was to imagine having a conversation with your future self. What would you say to her? What life would you want her to be living?

I'm sorry you're both going through such hurtful experiences. It sounds like you're both leaping to full-scale war with no repair attempts at all. It makes me wonder if you ever manage to sort things out inbetween times, or if there's just a stalemate. If you wanted to handle conflicts differently there are definitely ways of doing it. There's a brilliant book called 'hold me tight' that is really, really good on this.

They've been for counseling. That was an attempt to repair.

When you're with a partner who is abusive in this manner....name calling, aggressive, controlling and stonewalling......it is all about power. They LIKE the conflict to be like it has been described. It makes them feel good to see you powerless. They don't want strategies to discuss things properly......they are CHOOSING abusive strategies.

There are a few posters on here who haven't quite grasped how it is to be in this situation. The poster earlier today who said perhaps the op's h diesnt gave the words to express himself. No, no, no. Hes choosing not to. Every grown up has more words than "arse hole" and they certainly know how to say SONETHING rather than stonewalling. Even if it's it was, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. Unless you have experienced this form if abuse it is hard to understand. My mum used to say "go home and talk to him", when I'd had an argument with xp. She didn't understand me when I said he wouldn't talk to me. I meant it though....he literally wouldn't talk. At all. Not a word. It was deliberate, intentional and abusive.