He won't accept it is over

[Offred]

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1620384-Sharing-naked-pictures-taken-and-shared-without-someones-permission-in-order-to-bully-them
local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1557033-Feeling-hurt-not-sure-if-it-is-reasonable

Previous threads.

We have not had sex since June. In the whole relationship I have felt sexually rejected anyway because he seems afraid of my body, never touches me, has never been down on me, wont discuss sex, we only ever have PIV one time only ever in the bed and then he goes to sleep, often doesn't want even that. I'm really sexual and found myself forcing it after the naked pictures incident, knocked that on the head after a dry spell and then a horrible shag in June where I felt empty and used and I knew it couldn't go on.

I have been talking about the communication problem for years. He always says that he will do anything to make it better. I raised the idea of counselling for him, he wouldn't go. I now really believe that it is not me who has the problem but him and us together, that we are incompatible and I am unhappy.

Late last year I told him if it didn't improve I would leave.

He has continued to stick his head in the sand.

I told him on Monday night that it is over for me and I don't feel it is recoverable. He was upset said I had never mentioned these things before, said he didn't know why I was so upset about the photo thing because he didn't know what his mate was talking about and didnt understand the comment he made, I said I would not accept that version of events because it isn't true. I said we needed to commit to co-parenting as friends and I didn't want to try anymore because it is making me unhappy.

Since then he is pretending this conversation hasn't happened. He is still walking in on me in the bath, still trying to touch and stroke me in bed. I am finding it unbearable but I don't want to shout at him... I think I need to but I am frightened that this will upset the good co-parenting relationship we currently have and that ultimately it won't make a difference because I am SAHM and he has all the power and can choose to ignore this.

This is why I have been unhappy, throughout the relationship he has been satisfied with having me as a wife even if I am unhappy and has not made any effort to treat me as an equal (in terms of communication) or share anything.

I am told anyway!

So you want him to:

Leave the home that was is.
Live in a bed-sit.
Pay the mortgage.
Pay spousal maintainance and fully support you financially for the next five years.
Have the children every weekend, is this including the ones that aren't his?
But he can't look after them in the family home.

Does he earn enough to do this?
and will he go for all this?

No, not for the next five years. The bedsit is because it is over the road and he wants to be here as much as possible with the children.

Yes, this maximises finances and stability.

This is the marital home which we bought together but has always been in his name because he put the deposit down.

He isn't having the children every weekend.

What would you suggest we do? We stay unhappy?

Technically I could demand much more. I don't want any equity from the house and I could ask for more spousal support. Legally.

What else? I stop him having anything to do with older dc?

The relationship is dead, living together is affecting all our happiness, we need to move on behaving considerately to each other.

I can't leave because he doesn't care for the dc, he works and I care for them.

I would walk away with nothing preferably if it weren't for the dc btw. I'm trying to ensure that we have long term financial security and are as self reliant as possible.

Thanks Offred.

I hear you about walking away with nothing. This isn't my first failed marriage/long term relationship but I've never had dc's to think about before. I have literally just walked away. The fact I have no control is massively frustrating. I can't afford the mortgage on our house. I'd struggle to get another mortgage or even rent somewhere. I need dh to co operate so we can sort something out for all of us.

I'm just really wishing I'd never agreed to be a sahm. My complete lack of financial independence is really biting me on the ass

I agree the more you let the situ drag on the more the children will suffer. They will be fearful of what it all means in reality. it will be difficult but push through it has to end. Get advice of course from the professionals...but its equal rights for both parties now. And the children need both of you in their lives. I wish you all the best x some lovely advise on here. x

Thank you beyond. Yes good advice on here.

He has moved out. We have told the children. I am sad but relieved.