He won't accept it is over

[Offred]

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1620384-Sharing-naked-pictures-taken-and-shared-without-someones-permission-in-order-to-bully-them
local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1557033-Feeling-hurt-not-sure-if-it-is-reasonable

Previous threads.

We have not had sex since June. In the whole relationship I have felt sexually rejected anyway because he seems afraid of my body, never touches me, has never been down on me, wont discuss sex, we only ever have PIV one time only ever in the bed and then he goes to sleep, often doesn't want even that. I'm really sexual and found myself forcing it after the naked pictures incident, knocked that on the head after a dry spell and then a horrible shag in June where I felt empty and used and I knew it couldn't go on.

I have been talking about the communication problem for years. He always says that he will do anything to make it better. I raised the idea of counselling for him, he wouldn't go. I now really believe that it is not me who has the problem but him and us together, that we are incompatible and I am unhappy.

Late last year I told him if it didn't improve I would leave.

He has continued to stick his head in the sand.

I told him on Monday night that it is over for me and I don't feel it is recoverable. He was upset said I had never mentioned these things before, said he didn't know why I was so upset about the photo thing because he didn't know what his mate was talking about and didnt understand the comment he made, I said I would not accept that version of events because it isn't true. I said we needed to commit to co-parenting as friends and I didn't want to try anymore because it is making me unhappy.

Since then he is pretending this conversation hasn't happened. He is still walking in on me in the bath, still trying to touch and stroke me in bed. I am finding it unbearable but I don't want to shout at him... I think I need to but I am frightened that this will upset the good co-parenting relationship we currently have and that ultimately it won't make a difference because I am SAHM and he has all the power and can choose to ignore this.

This is why I have been unhappy, throughout the relationship he has been satisfied with having me as a wife even if I am unhappy and has not made any effort to treat me as an equal (in terms of communication) or share anything.

I'm not surprised you've suffered abuse. Your parents have trained you for it.

Your H is no better tbh, neglecting you in many ways, and certainly taking you for granted.

Your background has taught you not to expect much, but now your instincts are shrieking that there's more to life than this, and they're right.

Turn the page on the lot of them. They are not worth your time.

Invest in your happiness and don't ever compromise again. You and your children deserve better.

((hug))

I think he probably will go if he understands as he will not want the conflict.

I don't feel dh is abusive. He has exploited his advantage to my detriment and will be shocked to realise that's what he has done. I think he will continue to be an excellent father and he will treat me fairly once he understands how i feel. He is avoiding it now.

Hissy has it correct when she says I have been compromising myself. I don't intend to do it anymore. That is really what this is about.

I'm waiting for a call from welfare rights for some advice.

Xp was definitely abusive.

I am being supported by women's aid over his crap contact with the dc. They will help with this too.

I wouldn't say your H is abusive per se, and I can see how my previous post may have looked as if I were, but it was not intended to be!

He isn't abusive, but he's not overly invested in your happiness, is he?

For whatever reason, he's just not good enough. You do deserve better.

I think there is a possibility that you can put it to him straight, and maybe he will up his game.

The question is, is it too little, too late?

I hope not, for your sake, but things DO have to change.

Yeah, that's my assessment. I have put this to him repeatedly over the years. He may feel now that he can put effort into changing but for me it is too late because he wouldn't be doing it because he had my interests at heart but to stop me leaving him.

I feel like I do deserve better, he is not a nasty person but i suspect we are just not right for each other. There is something pathological in the way we relate to each other. He may not be able to change but I've had enough and I see that there is a massive risk that he won't. A risk it isn't worth me taking because we don't have to be together for him to be a fantastic father.

It wasnt your post particularly hissy. I think the way I've explained it I can see why it might be levelled at him.

Had some financial advice this morning. Think CAB interview went well. Hate not knowing though!

He has treated the relationship as a war I think. Modelled his parents' abusive relationship.

That's probably exactly right Offred, he's not the first to behave in accordance to the way his parents lived.

It is very difficult to state clearly that the relationship is over to someone who doesnt want to hear it. He is doing the whole "fingers on the ears lalala" thing with the coffee and the advances.
You need to have a practical plan for what happens that will bring it home to him. He isn't going to like it because things suited him fine before. But as SGB says it only takes one person to end a relationship.

You are going to have to go against habit and be quite selfish now, NOT reasonable and accommodating. Just repeat what you said over and over until he gets it. You will feel awful because you are not used to being so assertive. He will try every trick to get you back into line. Charm then grief then anger and maybe manipulation. Suicide threats?

Keep posting Offred I always look out for your posts because you speak good sense. It will get better eventually and you are doing the right thing!! The only way out is through...

It's so sad that you want rid of him but he doesn't want to go and is trying to believe or pretend it's not happening to him, but I know you have very good reasons, not disputing that at all.
Reading this reminds me so much of my first wife years ago when she decided she wanted rid of me saying she didn't love me any more. I felt I hadn't really done anything particularly to cause her to want rid of me. After all she'd had a short affair, not me, and I had said it was ok, it didn't matter, but let's just please, please start again. Please, could we? Oh, if only she'd just do this, I thought! I felt I wanted to be a model husband to her from then on. I felt I'd make her never regret it if she'd just give me a last chance. I was desperately begging her not to do this.
I was in denial, I just couldn't believe my world as part of a happy family was going to be shattered forever.
I kept trying to promise her I'd do everything I could to be a better husband. But she didn't want to listen, didn't want to discuss it. It seemed to upset her too much. Even my presence did that now. She just wanted me to go, to disappear out of her life. She'd made up her mind without consulting me. And she had a grim determination and resolve that I found terribly frightening. I couldn't cope with her being like this. I just couldn't believe she could change like this.
I kept thinking on the past, full of sentimental feelings for the days gone by when she had been happy with me, a happy family, and had made a big fuss of me. Oh God I didn't want to go.
In the end I realised I had to go. It still felt unreal though. I really really didn't want to have to leave and would have done anything to make her want me in her life again. But it was no use. She didn't want me any more. I couldn't stand the thought of that, of this terrible change in her feelings towards me. In the end I had to go.
Sorry for this emotional rambling about my sadness and regrets a long time ago that your problem has sparked off in me. It's irrelevant and of no help at all! I suppose I've never really got over it completely.
Not meaning to derail your thread at all, just ignore this pointless outpouring on a Friday night. Just gave in to the urge to say it.

It is ok envious, I'm sorry it has touched a nerve.

I do think it is different in that I have spoken about these things with my dh, fairly often in fact and over a prolonged period of time. He has, each time, chosen not to listen to me and that is why he feels now like I haven't said them.

I do know I have though, mainly because I have written about it on here, without that I think his denial would be a massive headfuck.

Thanks lemon.

Suicide threats? Oh dear! I have perhaps made him seem unhinged?

No, at heart he is a lovely man, unfortunately he is a lovely man who makes me very unhappy! I am sure if we can get it into his head then everything will be fine. He has made some noises that he might be getting it today and I got the volunteer job at CAB. Have had some welfare advice and am feeling tentatively optimistic.

Not at all unhinged but even the sanest people can act strangely in these circumstances. My XH drank neat whisky by the tumbler, broke down a door, and drove at 120mph to show me how upset he Was! And he is usually quite sensible.
How are you today?

:/ he's incapable of showing that level of emotion I think! Part of the problem!

Alright, DD's birthday weekend, she is having a fab time, he wants to talk on Monday.

Only just clicked on this thread Im so sorry to see you are going through this Offred.. You have given such good advice to other MNers me included.

I think you will be great at the CAB

Thanks darkest!

Tonight is allocated talking night.

Feeling frightened about being on my own. Absolutely have to get the message through tonight though. Feel quite ridiculous. So stressed that he is pushing me to be so definite and so harsh when this is quite scary. D:

It is a tactic to try to get you to collapse in a heap and look to him for comfort so he can reassure you that things can carry on as they are. This is the time to be strong and not need anyone to lean on. Think of all of us willing you through the internet to be calm and clear on what you want and need for the future.

Being on your own is FAB compared to being with the wrong man!

I know that in my rational brain and I remember being a single mum as the happiest time of my life despite dealing with the fallout from xp.

I know it is just fear, irrational fear.

I know what I need to do. I am going to drink some wine to help with it though.

I have planned all the finances and I have had some good advice. I know I will be ok. I know this is what I want. It is hair fear of making the change I think. Scary.

The fear... Hair fear? What?! Ha!

Hope it's going ok, Offy

Don't overdo the wine though, stay clear and rational.

It only takes one person in a partnership to decide it is over. Anything else just doesn't make sense in a rational world.

Going ok. Think he has got it.

Good Are you ok Off x

Dunno. Think so. He says he needs a while to get his head around things. He definitely understands and has accepted it though.

I guess his actions will tell now, eh

They will.

I feel confident that I can make myself put a time limit on any faffing.

Talked about him moving into his sister's and I need to know how much the car costs so I can do a final financial calculation.

Really do think he gets it. Says he wants to come afternoon and evenings to see the dc every day, which is fine providing I get to live by myself.