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Original poster

He won't accept it is over

83 replies

Offred · 11/09/2013 08:09

local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1620384-Sharing-naked-pictures-taken-and-shared-without-someones-permission-in-order-to-bully-them
local.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1557033-Feeling-hurt-not-sure-if-it-is-reasonable

Previous threads.

We have not had sex since June. In the whole relationship I have felt sexually rejected anyway because he seems afraid of my body, never touches me, has never been down on me, wont discuss sex, we only ever have PIV one time only ever in the bed and then he goes to sleep, often doesn't want even that. I'm really sexual and found myself forcing it after the naked pictures incident, knocked that on the head after a dry spell and then a horrible shag in June where I felt empty and used and I knew it couldn't go on.

I have been talking about the communication problem for years. He always says that he will do anything to make it better. I raised the idea of counselling for him, he wouldn't go. I now really believe that it is not me who has the problem but him and us together, that we are incompatible and I am unhappy.

Late last year I told him if it didn't improve I would leave.

He has continued to stick his head in the sand.

I told him on Monday night that it is over for me and I don't feel it is recoverable. He was upset said I had never mentioned these things before, said he didn't know why I was so upset about the photo thing because he didn't know what his mate was talking about and didnt understand the comment he made, I said I would not accept that version of events because it isn't true. I said we needed to commit to co-parenting as friends and I didn't want to try anymore because it is making me unhappy.

Since then he is pretending this conversation hasn't happened. He is still walking in on me in the bath, still trying to touch and stroke me in bed. I am finding it unbearable but I don't want to shout at him... I think I need to but I am frightened that this will upset the good co-parenting relationship we currently have and that ultimately it won't make a difference because I am SAHM and he has all the power and can choose to ignore this.

This is why I have been unhappy, throughout the relationship he has been satisfied with having me as a wife even if I am unhappy and has not made any effort to treat me as an equal (in terms of communication) or share anything.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 23:03

Wouldn't he be better seeing his kids outside the family home?. It's a well known MN mantra. Very confusing for children to see a semblance of Happy Families still being played out, which is actually just a mirage.

I expect he will push for "Family Days Out" too, right from the off.

Calculated to keep his feet under the table and worm his way back in. Just a thought.

Fairenuff · 16/09/2013 23:08

Oh well done for going ahead with 'the talk' and coming to some sort of resolution. The visiting is a bit of a worry though. Every afternoon and evening is a bit much to ask. And it means you have to be in, which you might not want to be.

Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:11

There won't be family days out. I'm aware of and agree with that particular MN mantra. There needs to be a transition though and it is unlikely he will be able to afford somewhere to live that would accommodate the children until
I begin working - at most 5 years, and we can separate financially.

We have been parenting separately in the same house for the last few months. Dc would not notice change. Big two are not his but he has been their dad. Still lots of things to work out.

Basically, I agree long term, in the short term that sounds like a good plan. He needs to feel like he is not living somewhere different from his kids. Will not be a long term solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:12

I'll be in anyway, always am! For the moment anyway.

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AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 23:12

You have both entirely ruled out another relationship then ? For years ?

Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:14

I don't intend afternoon and mornings to continue for years. But for now it is fine.

I'm sure I'll probably want another relationship, morning and evening contact wouldn't stop me though tbh!

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Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:15

Being realistic though I have 4 dc between 3 and 8 and a law degree to focus on. Not likely I will have much to give a relationship for a whole anyway.

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Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:16

*while

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AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 23:17

Just my thoughts. Personally, I couldn't stand to have someone I was no longer in a relationship with to still be in my personal space so much. He might as well not be leaving, IMO. The only time he won't be there is in your bed, and you are doing that now.

Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:22

He's still in my bed now. That's been the most important thing. We have nowhere else to go as no spare room. I reckon I could manage him being around that much, like I say such little feeling that we can cope being around each other, seems like from both sides.

I hear what you are saying, I agree it is not a long term solution.

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Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:23

He'll not be there after dc to to bed either. He'll not be meddling in my house either.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 23:24

Sorry, I thought you said you were living separately in the same house.

Your choice, dude.

Fairenuff · 16/09/2013 23:25

It sounds like he is reluctant to go and is clinging on to as much as he can. At least this is a step in the right direction. When is he going?

Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:28

Yes, he is reluctant to go.

We're parenting separately as in he looks after dc on his own every weekend and in the mornings, I take them to school/preschool and do afternoons/evenings then he does bedtime. We do no parenting together but work in shifts.

It is a difficult negotiation. I'm mindful of what you say as well as not wanting to push him out of his relationship/time with dc.

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Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:29

I study at weekends and day times on mon, weds and fri. He works mon-fri.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2013 23:32

His relationship with the dc is his own affair, it is not your responsibilty to maintain or preserve it.

Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:33

Yes, that is true.

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Original poster
Offred · 16/09/2013 23:52

Sorry, he has not said when he will go so tbh it is all academic for now! I will push it though.

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Original poster
Offred · 17/09/2013 14:51

He is viewing a bedsit over the road tomorrow eve and I've done all the financial calculations and we can afford it.

I feel stressed by the change but will be more settled when I know what is happening.

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Fairenuff · 17/09/2013 17:37

I expect it won't be to his satisfaction.

Original poster
Offred · 17/09/2013 17:50

I think it will be fine.

I think now he has understood what I feel he will be doing what he thinks he has been told.

OP posts:
Tillyscoutsmum · 17/09/2013 18:10

Just wanted to say that I'm in a very similar position Hmm We've had the conversation(s!). He said he's accepted it but needs time to get his head around if before discussing any financial/practical separation. It's driving me insane. I don't feel I can push too hard (he holds a lot of the cards financially. I'm also a sahm) but at the same time, I can't help thinking he's just burying his head in the sand and hoping I change my mind. Confused

Anyway... Sorry! Just rang a lot of bells

Original poster
Offred · 17/09/2013 18:12

I have to say I pushed it. I found the bedsit, worked out all the finances and then told him we needed to end the atmosphere for the kids' sake.

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Original poster
Offred · 17/09/2013 18:13

But don't be sorry Tilly I am finding this very lonely as obviously I can't rely on family support. It really helps to hear from others in the same boat.

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Original poster
Offred · 17/09/2013 18:15

I've asked for spousal support equivalent to income support, will get child tax credit and as mortgage is in his name if he pays it to mortgage company he owns house but it doesn't affect my benefits.

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