AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

[AuchAyethenoo]

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

[unlucky83]

Auch - actually missed lots of that -must have not refreshed or something...
I would be seriously worried about contributing cash to mortgage etc - no record of payments ... you really do need to get help... some legal/financial advice...
I think my DP is a bit of a thoughtless idiot (understatement) but not deliberately controlling - I think yours sounds abusive and like he knows what he is doing ...
Just refreshed again - alarm bells are ringing - him giving you the guilt trip on top of everything - you really need to escape...
It is not your fault ...Maybe you need someone to tell him this is so wrong - I think contact Women's Aid.
This is not going to get better... you need to change something...

(Duck - yes probably - maybe have name changed since? (been on and off mumsnet for years...) -and I could go on about how I understand DPs relationship with money much better than I used to etc ...)

[EldritchCleavage]

My dear, it sounds as though he is actually prepared to see you leave, and blame you for ruining the kids' lives, when it could all be sorted if he would just share money more fairly. You are not being unreasonable, he is being extreme.

Have you told anyone in RL? If you've got a friend or relative you trust, please do talk it over with them.

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

I'm so sad for you I could cry

Seriously. Your children will be happier in the long run if their mother is not in an oppressive, abusive, "relationship", whether with their father or not.

If you can muster the strength to get some advice, please do. In the meantime if you do nothing else, you MUST stop handing over half of your cash.

I hope all goes well for your little dd

[MissStrawberry]

How did you "move the goal posts" alone? How on Earth did you manage to fertilise children alone?

Come on, get some balls. You are not giving up if you leave. You are not making your children's life worse by splitting. You would be doing them a massive favour!!

You are being abused. He takes money from you and your children.

Even if their life's were worse WHICH THEY WON'T BE is it is HIS doing.

[AuchAyethenoo]

Is there a way to ask for the thread to be moved to a different board?

He'll be in soon so I'll need to sign out until he's gone to football.

I never really thought he was the things everyone is saying here, then last night I just became so despondent as he has decided not to come to a very important appointment for our baby on Wednesday which is why I'm not doing alot to defend him here.

[littlemisswise]

He is a very clever, manipulating monster in my opinion.

How much money does he give you a week for his food and share of cleaning products and toiletries?

[TalkativeJim]

Nope, nope, nope. It won't make their lives worse.

You're not the only one being taken for a mug - your kids are too.

All of you are being bullied into your family resources being creamed off so that the pig at the top of the pile gets to sit pretty.

Your last post is exactly the kind of bullshit women in your position get fed, to keep them feeling guilty and keep them in place. Oooh how can you do this to the kids! Bullshit, real, horrible bullshit.

Your children are going to grow up seeing one parent belittle, bully and abuse the other.

They would be 100% better off out of that situation.

And you can bet your last £ that were Mr. Pig to change his mind and decide he wanted out of the relationship, your childrens' needs wouldn't be worth a damn. Or where they lived, as he's done his best to make sure that they don't have a secure home also under the control of their primary carer.

He isn't your friend. He isn't your childrens' friend.

[gamerchick]

What would happen if you refused to pay half of the mortgage?

I would recommend that until he's put you on it tbh.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

What an awful situation to be in. He's abhorrent.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

AuchAye - this comment you wrote just leaped out at me
I can't leave him, I can't be the one who gave up, that's not who I am. and the reason why it jumped out at me is that I don't for one second think that by leaving your OH that you would be "giving up". I think he just hasn't been in this relationship from the start.
Sometimes it is better for two unhappy adults who don't see eye to eye on things to live separate lives and be happier adults (I hope that sentence makes sense to you).

I got angry that you are asked to hand over cash yet he wont hand over bank details for you to lodge the money into it.

Please take the advice that has been posted so far - you wouldn't be giving up, you'll be getting wise to his carry on.

Best of luck to you.

[Inertia]

He is financially abusing you.

He is also a conniving manipulative bastard. He has insisted on cash so that there is no record of you making a contribution to the household.

To begin with, please don't give him any more cash payments. And please please please get some advice from an organisation like Women's Aid.

You would not be at fault if this relationship broke down. Your children will not benefit from having this man bully and abuse their mother.

[Pilgit]

if he loves his children he will provide properly for them and treat their mother with respect. he is doing neither. CTC were reduced as the gov assume the earner supports their family. by leaving you will set an example that this is not an acceptable way to treat people you are supposed to love. you are not going to get the ideal. sometimes good eough is good enough.

[Talkinpeace]

So he makes you pay half the mortgage even though you are not earning, and makes you do it in cash so there's no record.
In fact there is no proof he's paying the mortgage
just he's got a lot of cash over and above his salary to play with

• have you seen the mortgage statement
  
• have you seen the utility bills
  

sorry but not often do I think there is only one side to a story
OP leave him. NOW.

[Beautifulbabyboy]

I am so sorry to read about your situation. I echo what everyone else is saying but also wanted to add one other thing. I have mild cerebral palsy. It is annoying to have, but that is it annoying. I have a wonderful husband and 2 great kids, so please don't be disheartened if your DD is diagnosed with CP, it is certainly not the end of the world, her future will be just as bright. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to your DD's future is the example her father is setting her. Xx

[MissStrawberry]

If you stay you are giving up on having an equal, fulfilling, loving and supportive relationship with someone else.

[Mindmaps]

I think many women who are abused when it is ea or financial cannot see that it is not just themselves that is being abused but also their children and as well as the short term damage to them having a stressed mother but the long term effects on their children's perception of healthy relationships.

[AuchAyethenoo]

Thank you beautifulbabyboy, it's a stressful situation ATM as we're still at the very beginning but she is a tenacious wee thing and is working so hard on everything, in fact she just started rolling over yesterday!

I feel like an idiot to have let this situation happen, I want to fix it, but dp is impossible to pin down for a conversation. I have suggested counselling before but it's not something he wants to do.

[Talkinpeace]

Aucheye
Of course he does not want to talk about it.
He is currently in a position of absolute strength and ANY negotiation or alteration will weaken that.
So you have to just do the right thing.
Start by refusing to hand over ANY cash.
Then ONLY do half (your half) of the house.
If he throws you out, so be it.
You'll get rehomed right away and the CSA will take him to the cleaners (with the experts on these boards advising you)
And then you can find somebody nice.
Blood parents are OK, but nice parents are better.

[PedantMarina]

Have read this with my jaw dropping ever more. Can't add much to what other, excellent, posters have been saying, apart from my own (financial abuse) story which would be in serious danger of thread hijack. Oh, and supportive hugs, of course.

I wish I could just blip into your mind how wrong this situation is.

But in the meantime, if it's not prying, can you talk a bit more about your MH issues? I'm just wondering if it's something that was actually caused by DP. It sounds like you're immeasurably stressed, and this can't be helping - indeed, I wonder if it's either set it off entirely by his behaviour/attitude and/or certainly hasn't helped by it.

Please talk to RL support, and Women's Aid.

[MissStrawberry]

You don't need his permission to sort this mess out.

[DuelingFanjo]

if he's not buying any food then don't feed him.

[Hegsy]

Auch I want to cry for you your children will be fine if you are apart in fact they'll be better. You'll have more money without him and less stress how can that be a bad thing for them?

And TBH if your family were willing to contribute to a deposit that would suggest they see your partner for what he is!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

No doubt at all that this is financial abuse you are not only paying half the bills but he is also making money from you.

Tax credits are worked out on household income they assume that it is household available funds not one persons.

No way at all will you be doing anything other than improving things for your children if you leave

[Didactylos]

AuchAyethenoo, theres many of us been in similar situations and it takes a lot to realise you are being financially (and emotionally) manipulated when you are in the middle of it. Hes been very sly in getting you to pay the mortgage without any records of this and his 'stress' and memory issues when youve tried to sort it out imply hes manipulating this situation to his advantage, and making you come out the loser.

Youve made the compromises here in the relationship- comitting to him, taking time out of work, having children, becoming SAHM, paying a half share in everything, tying your life financially and personally to his, making the choices of a loving partner, while he has not changed his outlook and priorities one bit - its his mortgage, he stuffs money down your bra to humiliate you when you ask, the household depends on your mum subbing you.

If your incomes are not equal and you dont share all outgoings then paying half cannot be fair. Could you suggest a more proportionate split? You will need to discuss money and have this out with him in some way, its not fair on you or your children and hes robbing them of their financial security and a happy confident mother which is not fair in any way.

[PartyOrganisor]

You know if you were to take the decision to leave, I am sure you wouldn't be the one who has given up.
The person who has given up on his partner, his dcs and his family is the one who is refusing to participate to the daily cost of raising a family. The one who isn't even bothered to attend important appointment about his child, a child who has and will have much more complex needs than other children.
The one who thinks it's OK to ask you some back (wtf!?!) when your benefits got stopped for a few weeks.
The one who is withholding any financial information from his partner and has set everything up so that he has no risk of losing anything at all (house, wages etc...)
The one who probably has been able to put money aside for himself whilst his partner was struggling to make meets end. Even though that was to pay for his food, for his children.
The one who is refusing to do anything for his won dcs, not even pay for their food and clothes.

Now I am wondering who is that. You? certainly not.
Him? Of course, he is the one who has let everyone down, you and his 2 dcs, and has done so for a very long time.