AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

[AuchAyethenoo]

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

[SockQueen]

If he wants to be that tight, tell him he can buy his own food and cook it, you've only got money for you and the kids.

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Fucking hell, he sounds like an abusive cunt!

Even if it were fair for you to split the costs 50/50, you're buying all the food, and paying for everything for the children! You're paying MORE than him, when he earns more!! Sounds like you would be financially far better off if you left him, with the added bonus of not being in relationship with someone who will treat you like that. I'm so cross on your behalf.

[Talkinpeace]

"moved the goalposts"
Um no. You had kids. His kids.

Everything is shared equally is it?
Time to stop washing his clothes
Time to stop hoovering his side of the bedroom
Time to stop washing his plates
Time to stop buying the food HE eats, just buy for you and the kids
Time to stop buying him shaving foam
Time to treat him like the spoilt brat he is

I'd change the locks if DH treated me like yours does you.

[PartyOrganisor]

Oh and I love how the fact he is p[aid more means he gets more money for himself.
But the fact that him being paid more means less money for you, means you have to suck it up and somehow manage with less money

Has he though it could also means less clothes or food for his own children? Is he really happy with that?

And how on earth did you end up with paying all the children related stuff and the food and he doesn't??
Aren't some of these children his? Does he not feel he should somehow participate and ensure they are fed and clothed?

[CocktailQueen]

'My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc.'

Am I reading this correctly - your dh works, you don't, yet he still expects you to pay half the household expenses?? What a twat. That's horrible and abusive.

Have a joint account. He puts his money in, your benefits go in too, then you each take out what you need. end of.

BTW, child benefit is meant to be spent on essentials for a child- clothes, food etc - not saved!

[SalaciousBCrumb]

The two of you making (presumably) a joint decision to have two children and you to give up work to look after them, plus a mental health issue, is YOU is "moving the goalposts"?

He sounds grim. Grim grim grim.

[WaitMonkey]

Your husband is awful. and I agree with everyone else, that you have major problems with him.

But, I don't know anyone who saves cb, everyone spends it on essentials.

[SalaciousBCrumb]

Oh and by the way - the not having enough money thing happened to me in Sainsburys once. A lovely, lovely lady gave me a pound to make up what I couldn't find by grubbing around for pennies at the bottom of my handbag. I was so embarrassed and it was really kind of her. If I'm ever behind someone with the same issue I'm going to do the same.

[PartyOrganisor]

Can I point out that , by the sounds of it,you would be in a better financial situation being on your own.

Less food bills, same costs from the dcs, more CTC as he wouldn't be there.
So what the hack is this guy bringing to the marriage?

[Squitten]

How on EARTH can you be expected to pay for half of everything when you don't earn any money?! Either your DH is the most stupid person on the planet or he is intentionally putting you in an unworkable position (more likely).

Why on earth did you ever agree to such a ridiculous arrangement?! Tell him you demand a proper family budget based on incomings and outgoings. I really can't understand why you are doing this at ALL!

[mistlethrush]

1. is he your DH or your DP?
   
2. I hope that its obvious that you're paying 1/2 the mortgate?
   
3. I hope he's soon going to be an ex.

[Nanny0gg]

OP- Get this moved to Relationships. You will get lots of sound advice from women who have 'been there'.

You are being financially and, by the sound of it, emotionally abused. He's treating you like a whore.

Please don't put up with it.

[missinglalaland]

Your other half is being unfair and unkind. You are a family not a bunch of individuals.

I think HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs is spot on.

I wish I had been behind you in the queue. I would have given you the cash!

[Bamboobambino]

Personally I'd divorce him and take way more than half!

[mistlethrush]

Bamboo - only possible if they're married...

[Medal]

I can't understand how you can even afford to pay for half of everything without an income! This is ridiculous what he is expecting you to do.

[Bamboobambino]

True

[AngelsLieToKeepControl]

I am so angry on your behalf op, you are worth so much more than his fucking 'hilarious' stuffing money down your bra and making you go grovelling to him for cash.

Go onto the CSA website, see how much he would be due you if you weren't together and start invoicing him for that amount every month. If he wants to treat your finances seperatly then he needs to do it with every aspect, not just the ones he cherry picks.

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

So be doesn't think you should be off work?

[StuntGirl]

Your partner is a cunt. You know that, right?

[EldritchCleavage]

He would really rather you suffer money stress and your children go without than share his money? That's just astonishingly awful.

Look, I work full-time, DH is at home. So I 'pay' for everything. The idea of resenting this or using it as a weapon over DH's head is repulsive to me.

I'm sorry to speak so strongly but I want to impress on you how unkind and frankly, odd, your DH's mindset is. This is not how decent people behave. Please talk to him about it and let him know things have to change.

[pianodoodle]

Don't feel bad about the supermarket thing I've had to do the same although no one tutted - ignore rude people!

I think your situation isn't fair and your OH is unreasonable to say the least.

I find it so hard to see how these arrangements work when I read about them. A family unit where one member is struggling financially but the other isn't? Just seems so wrong to me not to all be pulling together.

We are struggling financially but the difference is it's both of our problem to solve as a team. If I came into money I wouldn't just think "well I'm OK now it's just DH with the money problems"

[AuchAyethenoo]

He is my partner, oh=other half, I'm quite new so wasn't too sure of the abbreviations.

It's child maintenance from my ex for my eldest child, not child benefit I was hoping to put aside for her especially now she's in high school for foreign trips etc.

I've never heard of financial abuse.

We agreed to the original arrangement as I was working at the time and could never have anticipated I would suffer from a mental health issue, so at the time it was a fair plan.

[unlucky83]

I had a similar problem when I became a SAHM - up to then we had split all the bills equally ...at first I was using my savings to pay my half of the bills...worse when he had a business I worked without being paid for him - but all the money from selling it was his!
We sorted it out of a fashion by going to Relate ...he now transfers a set amount from his salary (about half) into my account and I get CB...but I pay all the bills etc for the house, DCs, holidays etc ...all he pays for is stuff for himself ...special things he wants to eat, treats and his car/petrol...
This isn't ideal...I think a joint account may be better (except my DP can be 'tight' with money sometimes and I can see him questioning why I bought x,y, z)
...or maybe bill him for childcare - could he do the same job if you didn't look after the DCs?
Main problem with my arrangement is that things don't cost him any more - so eg he will leave the expensive outside light on, go over the broadband limit...or use 118 or phone mobiles etc etc...
And he is careless - and 'my' things are his -bought with 'his money' - eg the camera - he lost the spare memory card and battery (£40 worth) and if he breaks it he won't pay for a new one...pretty sure he would be more careful if he directly paid for it ...
Also if I buy anything for the DCs (like a cheap DVD etc) and they show him what 'mummy bought' he will comment that it was his money...

And be aware - I've just inherited some money (means that my savings are a bit healthier than they have been since I stopped working) and DP makes nasty comments about it - think for complex reasons - sure it is just his insecurities (rather than any real control issues) but still...a real eye opener ...