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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

AIBU (think I probably already know the answer)

151 replies

AuchAyethenoo · 09/09/2013 11:19

I've just had THE most embarrassing moment in Morrisons. I'm stood watching the food scan and the amount getting increasingly higher on the till display, 5 people standing behind me. I've got £70 in my pocket.

Yep you guessed it £72.68 on the display, I have to ask the woman to stop scanning and take off the last couple of items. Mortified just about covers it. Other people tutting, the cashier had to call for help, the whole shebang.

How did I get in this position, you ask?

I'm a SAHM, my oh works. We get some CTC and I get child maintenance for my eldest. My oh has a good wage, yet I have to cover half of ALL the bills, mortgage etc. Buy the weekly shop, all of the children's travel and activities and all of the children's expenditure (clothes etc).

AIBU to be destroyed that I have to use my eldests money for essential like food instead of saving it for her, to be hurt that even though oh knows that since his promotion my CTC has reduced and I'm struggling?

I now have £8 to last me 9 days, it's £4/day to get my dd2 to nursery. Oh says if I need money I should ask him, but he acts in such a demeaning manner when I do, asking precisely how much, what it's for etc. Then 'comically' tries to stuff it down my bra.

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PartyOrganisor · 09/09/2013 13:42

Then you really really need to have something in place so he is taking some of the responsibility (at the very least financially) for his own dcs.

It is essential that you get a joint account, even if this is about him and you put half the money so all the bills are coming out from that account.

If you are paying half the bill and half the mortgage, does it mean that you are putting money on his account? Keep any proof of that so you can show that you did indeed contribute to the house etc...

And yes this is financial abuse and you do need to do something about it. For your sake but also for the sake of your dcs. If this attitude is what he will be in the future, what is going to happen when your youngest needs more and more care? When you won't be able to work anyway because that child will need you at home?

This is getting worse. Not only you out of work for health reason but on the top of it, you are the carer of your (yours AND his) child and he has an issue with him paying more than half of the costs of living together???

BTW I would recommend you get legal advice, even if you don't plan to leave now. To know your rights and how to protect yourself financially.
Because you might not need it just now, but it looks like you will ion the future.

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AnneElliott · 09/09/2013 13:43

I agree that you should stop giving him the money for the mortgage. if the house is his, then why are you contributing? Also, stop buying him food - if only you're paying then it's for you and the DCs. I think you need to leave this relationship.

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PartyOrganisor · 09/09/2013 13:43

In cash???? How convenient....

From now on you have to pay him by DD. That or nothing.

And call women aid too.

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NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 09/09/2013 13:43

so he owns the house and you're in effect paying him rent! what would happen if you just refused to give him anything towards the mortgage and bills?? stability is one thing but this is awful. I think you need some financial advice. I suspect you wouldn't like to chance not paying half, I suspect you think he'll get nasty or ask you to leave, but actually you'd probably be in a better position if you did. please get some advice for your children's sake, at the moment you are stuck and he's in charge, that's not fair on you or them Sad

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AuchAyethenoo · 09/09/2013 13:45

I give him cash.

No I get the CTC, CB and CS paid into my account.

I asked repeatedly for his details to set up a standing order but never got them, he prefers for me to give him my half in cash.

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ThisWayForCrazy · 09/09/2013 13:45

Don't feel guilty about using maintenance money for your food. Or any other bills. I am sure you provide them with everything they need. Not like they have no shoes and you're saving for lipo!

However, wtf is your husband up to??? Work out how much you really need from him, set up a joint account and he transfers the money in, tax credits etc go in that account too.

That's what we do anyway.

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PlotTwist · 09/09/2013 13:46

At 8 months old, her stability is YOU. She's not going to care if you're living in a mansion or a hostel. Please get some proper advice, try women's aid. There's no shame in coming up short at the till, but you shouldn't be in that position. And him shoving the money down your bra is horrible, and quite telling. He's putting you (and the kids) in a horrible situation. Please, get some proper advice.

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unlucky83 · 09/09/2013 13:52

Auch - can you get him to go to Relate
Tbh they far from sorted out all our issues but one positive thing was the money...even though it isn't perfect it is better than it was ...
even when I was paying half the bills and not working he wouldn't rush to pay his half - I had to keep nagging him...which I know is humiliating...
And he does now seem to realise that without me doing what I do/have done he would be much worse off...
Don't put up with it any more ... you really shouldn't have to ...

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thegoldenfool · 09/09/2013 13:53
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AuchAyethenoo · 09/09/2013 13:54

I know I'm coming across as a bit dim and pathetic here, I'm really not Im just used to the situation being like this that it seems pretty normal.

It's only been since dp got his promotion which meant the CTC reduction and the issues with our youngest that the stress and worry are really getting to me, that I'm getting a view into how not normal the situation may actually be.

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TalkativeJim · 09/09/2013 13:54

Wow.

Yes, he has done a complete number on you - making sure that the house is in his name and that there is no record of your contribution.

He is a stinking bag of fetid slime.

Anyway - I'm sure you know that. And I really, really hope that you manage to get rid. In order to do that, I'd get practical.

  • talk to Women's Aid and also find a solicitor for a free half hour (or ten solicitors if you can - no reason why you can't go to as many as are within travelling distance!) And set out the situation and see what advice they have about what would happen if you were to split. The harsh reality might be that yes, it's his house and you'd get kicked out, but it's POSSIBLE that it's not as simple as that and that with good support you might be able to have some interest in the house, given your long residence, the children etc. It's their home, and you're their primary carer... BUT, I don't know. You'd have to find out - and I would do that asap.


Secondly, how much pressure could you and your family put on him to put your name on the house? He sounds a nasty bully, but is there any way you COULD turn this around so that your name goes on the deeds? Would you, for example, be in a position (emotionally, mentally) to say - right, that's it, you no longer get a penny out of me which isn't a DD? Would you be able to bring pressure on him with the help of family or friends to put your name on?
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TidyDancer · 09/09/2013 13:54

Christ. If DP tried to pull that shit on me I would roast him on a stick.

It continually stuns me how many people there are in abusive relationships that, just because the abuse doesn't come in the form of a black eye, don't realise they are being abused. I don't say that to make you feel bad, OP, more to emphasise the point that this is abuse.

I would attempt a very frank conversation about your situation, and then assess your options after this.

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craftynclothy · 09/09/2013 13:56

I asked repeatedly for his details to set up a standing order but never got them, he prefers for me to give him my half in cash.

FFS please tell the arsehole him that you are not paying him another penny in cash. If you are contributing to his mortgage costs, insist you go on the paperwork and that you will be paying him nothing else until you are and make sure you see the paperwork to confirm it.

Or better still tell him to fuck off.

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OHforDUCKScake · 09/09/2013 14:01

Oh Christ this gets worse and worse.

OP please, from today you have to try and change things.

He gets more money which means yours is reduced, even then he expects you to give the tiny amount of money that you do get and on top of that asks for it in cash so any contributions you have made toward to mortgage arent on record so you are entitled to nothing if he sold the house.

He really knows what he is doing here and he has prayed on your vulnerability, knowing you have had mental health issues and a sick baby to take your mind away.

Things have got to change, this is so, so wrong. I feel said and angry on your behalf.

You need to be strong and stop this for the sake of your future happiness and your childrens.

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AuchAyethenoo · 09/09/2013 14:03

I can't leave him, I can't be the one who gave up, that's not who I am.

I can't look at my children everyday knowing I've made their lives that bit worse because of my selfishness. I almost did 6 weeks ago, I wanted to and even got as far as asking tomorrow money from family for a deposit on a rented flat.

I had it out with him, and one thing he said is true, it would make the kids lives worse and it would be my fault. I love them more than life itself, I can't be the cause of their worlds being torn apart.

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mistlethrush · 09/09/2013 14:07

Why would it make their lives worse? He would have to pay maintenance for his two children. You would almost certainly get help with rent etc - you might even be able to get to the end of the shop with a bit left over if you were careful.

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Squitten · 09/09/2013 14:09

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR PARTNER IS A MONSTER!!

Sorry to shout but your partner really is a nasty, nasty piece of work. He is keeping you dependant, financially locked down and then telling you that if you demand change, YOU will be ruining your kids lives. That is all so, so wrong I don't even know where to begin. I'm so sad for you that you actually believe that enourmous pile of b* s**t.

Utter, utter monster. I'm actually furious for you!

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AuchAyethenoo · 09/09/2013 14:11

They love him and he loves them. To not have him every day would be a detriment to them.

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SPBisResisting · 09/09/2013 14:12

Glad hes not dh. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. The words would choke him

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Buzzardbird · 09/09/2013 14:12

You could do with posting this is relationships topic as there are some forms of abuse going on here and there are a lot of really good posters on there with good advice.
Someone up there /\ mentioned Women's Aid. You really should contact them as your last post probably had most of us shaking our heads with frustration. He has done a real number on you. He has no respect for you or the job you do looking after his children.
You should not be giving him half the money that is meant to help you feed and clothe your children. He should be providing in these circumstances.
This man has no love or respect for you, what are his good points?

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PiddlingWeather · 09/09/2013 14:12

What the fuck is wrong with some men?

Really?

OP, this is so, so wrong.

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AllThatGlistens · 09/09/2013 14:15

Oh god sweetie your perception of this is all skewed Sad

He is abusing you, absolutely, and by default, your children, because he is placing you in this impossible situation.

It's so very, very wrong, and your children will not grow up with a healthy, normal understanding view of how loving relationships work if they continue to see their mother living like this.

Please listen to the wise people on here and take advice, he's treating you disgustingly.

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Ezio · 09/09/2013 14:16

Hes a being a detriment to them, hes making you struggle, hes putting stress on their mummy but being a absolute twunt.

This is a lesson you dont want to make those kids learn, this not family life, this is akin to slavery.

You'll be fine without him, they will be fine with contact, your kids wont thank you for being a martyr.

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Dackyduddles · 09/09/2013 14:19

Bollox it would.

It is a detriment to them that their mother is accepting being treated like a whore and a doormat.

It is detriment to them that you accept this as due to you.

It is detriment to them that they think their home life I'd normal, it isn't.

You deserve better op. your kids definitely do.

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OHforDUCKScake · 09/09/2013 14:19

your last post probably had most of us shaking our head in frustration

That^ indeed.

OP you know this isnt right, the kids will thrive without him. They will thrive because you will thrive.

However, it sounds like you may not be quite ready to accept that.

Fantastic that your family can give you deposit for a flat when you are ready. Remember WOMANS AID for when the time comes.

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