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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need perspective from Mumsnetters

54 replies

Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 08:36

Hi

I have been on mumsnet for years but very rarely post, however I would really appreciate some perspective as I am unhappy but unsure if it's just me over thinking and generally a bit hardwork....

Basically, I find my H hard to live with - he's quite up and down emotionally and also gets annoyed with me over the smallest things. The tone and delivery of what he says upsets me and doesn't fill me with a comfortable feeling.
He also does things that I find a bit odd and it irritates me. I wonder whether other women would feel the way I do.

He gets annoyed when I say I'm going out with a friend (he says he's not annoyed but it's the tone and delivery eg I'm going to stay with a friend one night this week - getting the train straight from work and then back in the morning to work (prob an hour each way). I told him and he said 'What you doing that for? Will you be able to get to work on time?'. I responded because I want to see my friend and yes of course I can get to work on time (my point is why asking me stupid qs like why am I visiting a friend and also about getting to work on time - how old does he think I am!))

This seems quite minor compared to other threads on here but I feel claustrophobic and like I can't think clearly as I am always wondering what he will say next. We have 2 Dc's - 4 & 6.

OP posts:
SoThisIsHowYouNameChange · 08/09/2013 09:02

I'm afraid I need more information.

LittlePeaPod · 08/09/2013 09:06

I am sorry Op. I can't seem to see the issue. Maybe you could share a bit more information / specifics?

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 09:09

I know I'm not explaining myself - that's the problem I can't. Maybe I just need to calm down....

Sorry and thanks for your response

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 08/09/2013 09:17

Do his questions make you feel controlled? Has he always had this kind of reaction to you doing something for yourself?

Bumpstarter · 08/09/2013 09:21

Read dr joe carver's 'signs of a loser'. You may be able to spot other signs of controlling behaviour on there.

If you are unhappy in your relationship,I suspect you can't talk to your h about it. Why not?

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 09:35

Hi. Yes his questions do make me feel controlled - not sure whether that's me not able to share information. I went out the other day to meet a friend who is having a very bad time - H knows about this but whilst I was out he sent me two texts - 1st saying he hated our DS haircut ( I'd taken him to get it cut but it was shorter than usual) and that he was going to take him back to the hairdresser to get it sorted ( this was 8pm so he meant he would do it in the near future so why text me then?). I then got another text saying 'on second thoughts probably better to let it grow'. I eventually texted 'yes. On way back'

Is this odd or not?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 09:38

Bump I try and talk but don't get any where. Eg I tried to tackle him about the text haircut thing - he said he has a right to express himself about his son's hair. Will look up that book.

Thanks

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 08/09/2013 09:40

Sounds like he doesn't like you having your own life....i think it's unreasonable to text pretty trivial things whilst you're out. Do you think he's insecure?? Do you go out more than he does??

scallopsrgreat · 08/09/2013 09:48

I think I am getting an idea of what might be bothering you. When you are out with these texts, do you feel he is doing it to constantly remind you of where your attention should be i.e. not with your friends?

pictish · 08/09/2013 09:49

Hmm...well it certainly sounds as though he doesn't respect you much. Like he thinks you're subordinate to him.
He feels entitled to get annoyed with you over little things and speak to you in a manner you don't feel happy with, and he also gives himself the authority to question your movements and motives, as though he needs to decide whether it's a goer or not. Of course, it is respectful to run things by our partners, as you do - but none of us really expect them to behave like they're the dad to an incapable child.

What does he say when you tell him how his manner makes you feel?

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 09:53

I would normally socialise once a week but sometimes twice although I would have to 'ask permission' for this as I get the impression he doesn't like it although he says he's not bothered. He always goes out on the same evening per week - he doesn't have many friends but doesn't really attempt to make any which is fine although he will comment that no one ever texts him.

I'm getting annoyed just writing this

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2013 10:01

If you feel controlled then you are likely correct.

"Ask permission". Not on. Does he try and sabotage your nights out by trying to stall you in other ways?. Yours is not a marriage of equals; I think your H wants to keep you in the hole he has also dug for you.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft as that could help you further. I do not like the sound of your H at all; controlling men are often very angry men. Talking with him won't get you anywhere because he thinks he is doing nothing wrong in the first place.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. They are all too clearly seeing and learning from what is being played out here by the two of you, is this really what you want to teach them?.

LittlePeaPod · 08/09/2013 10:03

Hi Op

I am really sorry you are feeling so low/down.

If your DH is trying to be controlling and stopping you going out, doing what you want or making you feel controlled then I can see that you would have an issue and you should leave. Asking permission to go out with friends isn't on. Telling him as a matter of courtesy is different.

All couples have disagreements and don't always see eye to eye. Others may not agree with me on this but your haircut example doesn't sound controlling, more that he was pee'd off and expressing that. When I have been irritated I have sent my other half a text about it whilst he was out with his friends and he has done the same to me. From what you say, your DH wasn't having a go about you been out with your friends, he was irritated about something completely different. I can't see the link between the haircut and been controlled/him stopping you seeing your friends etc.

It sounds like you are unhappy at the moment and maybe he is too. Have you considered having time alone and talking through these issues and how you are feeling etc.? Maybe with an impartial personal (couples councillor) there?

Please don't miss understand if you are feeling controlled and EA then you need to get out before it escalates and trust me it always escalates. Take it from someone that was brought up in a very abusive and violent home before my mother had the courage to LTB is secret.

Lazyjaney · 08/09/2013 10:16

Reverse the sexes and play these again, eg "my DH wants to stay overnight at friends, ignored me when I said he shouldn't, and we have 2 small children" and the response would be very different.

Makes me think there are 2 sides to this.

LittlePeaPod · 08/09/2013 10:20

LazyJaney Exactly and MN would go wild.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2013 10:23

I would personally suggest sole counselling due to the control aspects her H has shown towards her. Also joint counselling is never recommended at all where there is any control behaviour shown within a relationship. Apart from anything else I doubt her H would even consider counselling in any case because he may at heart feel he is doing nothing wrong here. He certainly has not appeared to have apologised to the OP.

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 10:25

Thanks for your thoughts and words - it's helping me think. In terms of the haircut - I already knew he was unhappy about it as he had told me the day before. I don't get the texting when I'm out surely we can talk about it when I get back (although we already had)

With regards to staying over with friend - she is a childhood friend who lives abroad but is over for a conference - I want to see her before she goes back to Aus and I won't see her again for another couple of years. H knows her and likes her.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/09/2013 10:26

I asked whether he tried to sabotage your plans in other ways whilst you were out with friends and he has indeed done this. The texts re the haircut is a classic example, he knew you were with a friend but decided to text you on some pretext anyway.

You went on to text that you were on your way back which is precisely what he wanted all along.

LittlePeaPod · 08/09/2013 10:32

I am really sorry and maybe I am blind here but I can't see any controlling behaviour in what I have read so far. The Ops DH has not tried to stop her going out or told her she can't etc. His been irritated about their sons haircut etc. with young children I think it would be courtesy to speak to your DH if you are planning to go out/stay out over night. After all he would be at home with the children.

Again I am really sorry but I am struggling to see where the controlling aspect of his behaviour is in what I have read so far?

LittlePeaPod · 08/09/2013 10:35

BTW Op I am speaking from experience here. I lived in a home with an EA, controlling and violent father.

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 10:39

Would you suggest sole counselling with relate or another professional?

Btw a couple of weeks ago I decided to nip to a shop with Dd to buy something for the house that we needed - I would be out for an hour, DS was watching TV and didn't want to come and H was doing similar. I just said I was going with DS which resulted in a stupid type argument as follows:

Me: just nipping to x to get x with DD won't be long
H: you're going now? Why?
Me: cos we are free and I've been meaning to get X for ages
H: But it's nearly time for kids tea
Me: it's not we've got an hour/hour and a half before then
H: you're going near there tomorrow do it then.
Me: Don't want to do both tomorrow it would be too much

This went on and on until I had a strop and said

Me: forget it I'm not going
H: think you should go

Blah blah - totally weird and I have no idea

OP posts:
pictish · 08/09/2013 10:41

I think that the text was a blatant reminder to you that he is there and you ought not to relax too much, because he is still the most important concern in your life, and right now, you haven't apologised enough about upsetting him over the sodding all important haircut*.

*Tenuous excuse to treat you like dirt, and simultaneously assert his authority, while having you absorb his shit.

Imho.

pictish · 08/09/2013 10:43

So he talks you out of your own decisions, then pretends that he didn't, so it's your own fault if you don't go?

Original poster
Peterpurvis · 08/09/2013 10:46

Little Pea - Thanks it's useful to have POV maybe I am being unfair to him. However I will say that I would always check it's ok to go out and stay over. I haven't stayed over anywhere without kids for at least a year.

If you're irritated about a haircut is it fair to text me when I'm out with a friend who is very unwell and having a bad time? If it was me I would talk to him about it and then stick to what we agreed. Ie the night before we had a discussion and said to leave it, it would grow so why send a text when I'm out?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/09/2013 10:46

He sounds controlling to me, he is belittling you and getting you to seek his approval or face the consequences. Says he is happy for you to go out however ensures that you are on edge whilst out by send you unpleasant and unnecessary texts.

I'm not sure counselling with someone so manipulative would be a good idea?

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