My sister has got herself in a right mess, not sure what to do?

[looneytune]

Where do I start??? (sorry it will be long)

Last year my sister mentioned to me that she'd been seeing a married bloke who she knows from school (he drops his kids off). I tried to point out what would probably happen (she's also married with 2 kids) but she had it in her head that she wanted to move in with this bloke she's been seeing for 2 weeks and live happily ever after with him and her kids. I told her that it will be messy blabla and she said 'oh no, ds is best friends with his ds, they'll love living together' - cuckoo land!!! Anyway, tried (in nice way) to make her see sense but never got through. I told her I thought it was great she was getting attention again (as she'd gone from size 24+ to size 12 figure) but that's all I thought was good about it.

Anyway, this is about a year ago (ish). Her dh found out ages ago and so did the rest of my family. The boyfriend and his wife split up and the rest has been pretty much hidden from the family (my parents are just trying to help but she's been getting a lot of advice about working it out with her dh and sorting her life out but she obviously doesn't want to hear it).

In the last week or so, my family have discovered her dh's blogs (online diary for those who don't know) and have been keeping an eye out. Lots in there which has made us aware of the latest situation but I won't go into that.

What's worried me is that last week my sister sent a text to my mum to pass on to all the family, basically saying sorry for everything and a kiss on the end. This worried me, my sister doesn't do kisses. She's taken overdoses before and so it made me think. I tried to get hold of her but couldn't but part of me thought it would be ok as she's an attention seeker anyway and has taken overdoses before and then told us straight after - this is her way of getting us on side without having to apologise about stuff.

Anyway, after reading the blog, we discovered that indeed she had tried something on that day. It looks like she took an overdose (then threw up) and cut her wrist - lots of blood on towel etc. We're pretty sure that she's done this as she now has realised she wants to stay with her dh but she's run out of chances and he won't have her. I'm pretty sure she didn't actually mean to end it but just to make him feel like he has to take her back.

Anyway, he's not having her back but sounds like he's trying to help her sort her head out. Well, last night she moved in with her bf as she's the type that just won't try it alone.

I'm really worried she's lost all grip with reality and don't know what to do. She wants custody of the kids yet has been staying 2 hrs drive away and not getting back to take kids to school even though promised. Her xdh is very lucky that work are understanding about his lateness but he must be careful. So, she wants custody but is never there for her kids and did herself harm - I'm afraid my sister at the moment is an unfit mother and actually better off with their dad :(

I can't get through, only by text and when she replies, it's just I'm ok and kisses - she's covering up. I want to offer my brother in law support but am not supposed to know what I know and he's not a fan of our family since xmas (long story) . Don't know what to do. He's having trouble with school runs/work and neighbours have been getting involved but starting to get p'd off about it (know this from blogs).

What do I do??? Do I just be honest with him and say I know and can I help or should I keep out.

This is my neice and nephew - haven't seen them for ages now :(

Sorry it was so long!

ok, apologies, that was MUCH longer than it was meant to be sorry!

looneytoons... if he has blogs then he can't be annoyed if you read them. After all they are there to be read... so don't feel 'guilty' about snooping, you're not really, you're a concerned participant in the whole thing.

Has he got the option that people can comment on them? You can always leave him a message on there saying that you want to help but if he tells you to go away you accept that - or something along those lines.

Do you know whether social services has at all be involved due to your sister having self-harming tendencies? Surely the kids would be better off with the father if the mother is a bit all over the place, at least until she got herself sorted?

Depends why he's "not a fan" of your family. If he's posted all this on a blog for anyone to read, I don't think he can object when people read it. I'd be inclined to make a friendly call saying that you know you've had your issues but you stumbed across his blog and wanted to know if you can help out with school runs (assuming that's the kind of thing you mean).

I really don't know what you can do for your sister if she won't accept that she has a problem. I agree with you that it sounds as though the children need the stability of a home with their dad right now.

I'm just worried about messing up with him and having no contact at all with the kids iyswim.

To give you an idea of why I'm worried.........

When he found out about my sis, we chatted on email lots and he said it really helped. Yes, I slagged of my sister as she was being a total COW to him and the kids and it helped him (he said) as he felt he had some support (his family live in Aus).

All of a sudden, he decided to try and work things out with her and slated my family for having said bad things about her. This turned into HUGE family row around xmas and nothing been the same since.

How did we find his blogs???? my db noticed them on bil personal webspace on MSN - he knows we are all able to see when he's offline etc. but I don't know how he'd feel about us snooping. Having said that, you are right, they are public.

I've emailed him today just asking if everything is ok as can't get hold of sis etc but he just says to keep trying. He's giving nothing away direct. If he did, I feel I could then ask if we can help.

Do you get what I mean?

She's so stupid as all these things she's doing will go against her and I very much doubt she could have custody of the kids.

She's terribly lazy anyway, her dh always did everything (even though she was at home all day apart from one very part time job).

Even though he turns nasty at xmas and said some UNFORGIVEABLE things, I still think the kids are better off with him. I just don't want to loose touch though. It's all so sad, I just feel like I'm loosing the last bit of family I have here!

LeahE - just seen your post, was replying to other one. Hopefully that roughly explains why her dh is not a fan of our family?

I really really want to help but feel very alone. They live about 20 mins from me and my db who's currently local, is moving away soon. I'm a childminder and could help with after school care for the kids (free obviously) but the problem with that is the size of my car, I'm full with ds and mindees. I reckon I could get round it. My parents move back up north when ds was 3 months old so even though neither work, not a lot they can do from there.

Maybe you are both right, maybe I should say I couldn't find anything out and was so worried I thought I'd see if he had anything online and then say I discovered his blog??? It's just so scary the responsibility of making a decision like this that could go tits up.

I'd offer help. No matter what he has said or what he has done, it is your niece and nephew that you are ultimately helping here. If it means that you get to see them more often, then I'd keep on the sweet side of him. He's had to put up with a lot and I think you can forgive the odd outburst when you're under the kind of stress that he is, plus you don't know what your sister has been telling him about you all. I have a sister who is an attention-seeker and to everyone she knows, her hv, her friends etc, we are the family from hell who never volunteer to help, who never support her etc, this is esp hurtful as I bent over backwards to help her at times but this is never mentioned.

So offer to help. He'll be wary of you at first, he may think that you'll cause trouble, but keep offering, one day he might take you up on it and then perhaps it'll turn into a regular thing. Your niece and nephew sound like they could do with you around.

Right, I'll contact him then. I don't have a problem with him at all, I want to be there for him, I know what my sis is like and believe she has fed him with loads of stuff to make us sound terrible - she has it in her head that she's had a really terrible life (I think brought on by the fact she was so very very poorly as a small child and should never have survived - she's never been able to keep friends, she's messed up!). The reason I was worried about contacting him is because he still seems to be protecting her and I'm worried he could tell us to f off and I've blown my chance type thing.

I'll go for it and hope and pray that he understands. I love my neice and nephew and I know they've been dragged into it (we were told at one point that nephew wanted to live with daddy, neice wants to live with mummy - he is 8, she is 5) :().

I'm going now as it's got me in tears again and I can't let the kids see!

Thanks everyone!

By the way, if anyone reads this and knows whether or not my sister's behaviour is likely to mean no custody of kids, please let me know!

Thanks :)

I think it will be the right thing that you contact db and you could say that what ever has gone on in the past is to stay there. You want to help because you love you niece and nephew.

How would db feel about sis having custody of the children,from what you've said at the momment I don't think she is the most stable thing for them at the momment.
I hope you db lets you help.
Good luck.

Although she's my sister, I do totally think my brother in law is best with the kids. She's been totally selfish, her dh had to clean up the blood before the kids came back from school very shortly after. She's always been lazy, selfish etc. but she still manages to me with her behaviour.

I asked about custody for peace if mind really. How horrible is that. That I'd want it to be hard for her to get the kids at this stage!

It's not horrible. You know your sister well and you know how she looks after her children. It is not wrong to want them to be brought up in a happy home that is stable.

Thanks, that's exactly what it is, just looking out for the poor babies :(

Have you made contact with your brother inlaw,how will you contact him.(e-mail telephone etc).
I really hope that he allows you to help.

Hi

I texted my parents earlier and am waiting for reply before I contact bil. Basically we all (family except sis) agreed to talk to each other before making big moves because of what happened at the end of last year. My mum knows about Mumsnet and I told her you all thought I should contact him. Just waiting for the all clear (they are away so that's why I didn't call - not very good signal).

Anyway, thanks to you all for making me see this is the best move. Hope to contact him in the morning :)

Good luck I hope it goes well for you.

Thanks

Bloody parents though. They are telling me they don't want bil to know we know about the blogs as he'll probably stop them and this is the ONLY way we are finding things out . As it's my db that found the blogs, he and the rest of my family could get grief if bil does turn nasty (he has in the past).

I've now got to think of another reason for offering help to bil. If only my sister would tell me/us she's gone, that would mean I could let bil know I know and offer help. I've been emailing him but he won't tell me himself

Can you invite the niece and nephew over for a play date with your kids? My concern really here is, what the hell is going on at their house, the blogs may be completely fictitious for all you know (although it doesn't sound like it) but they could well be telling only part of the story.

I'd be involving social services as well, this family needs help.

Sympathies to you and your parents, it must be a dreadful worry

I've been asking and asking if I can have the kids overnight one weekend but they won't commit and it's doing my head in. I'm a childminder so not allowed them during the week as I'd be over my numbers and I'm not allowed to take time off without giving 4 weeks written notice!

I wish my bloody parents would come down and just turn up one evening or something. I'd go with them, I just feel so alone yet being told what I can/can't do by my parents.

Anyway, got to feed baby mindee and other will be here soon.

Thanks all of you for your advice, I'm working on my parents and WILL do SOMETHING, just don't know what yet?

Agreed - it's a bit rich for your parents to dictate what you should do when they are miles away and apparently not concerned enough to come down and see what's going on, when they believe their daughter might have attempted suicide?!

As they're away on holiday right now I'd be tempted to leave it until they get back, and then basically say "I want you to come down here". If they won't, I think you need to take matters into your own hands.

Could you just turn up,and say you thought you'd pop down and make sure everyone was ok because you haven't heard from your sister.
Does anyone have a birthday coming up.

I suppose i've been a bit harsh on my parents. They've had a crap few years. Major marriage problems, moved up north for new life to try again, nan got dementia immediately after they moved (or it came to light) so they moved in with her after a while and it's been hell for them (not easy to look after!). This is the first break they've had. They are just away in caravan for few days and unfortunately, this all came to light as they were leaving

I will leave for now but if get very worried, I suppose I could contact him saying I've got this feeling she's not there from the lack of getting hold of her when the kids would normally be back etc etc.

He'd find that odd, honest. No birthday's now til Aug. Thanks though. I may end up doing that if i get really desperate!

I don't think it really matters if your BIL finds it odd, your sister has a history of overdosing, now you can't get hold of her by phone (although obv she is still alive), you could say you've come to see her to make sure she's alright.

Or even pretend a friend has just moved in to a house round the corner, hence you are in the neighbourhood ...

I have been getting texts back from sis just saying she's fine but no actual info in response to me asking things. I think I will turn up though as I've got enough reason without the blogs to feel something isn't right!

Update:

Emailed BIL saying couldn't get hold of sis still, is it ok to come tonight (last night). In meantime, texted sis saying hi, in area today, would like to pop in after school blabla. Found out email system down so bil didn't get email til this morning. Sis finally replied to my text saying she was not in the area which was confirmation enough. I therefore went on MSN last night and got hold of BIL. Told him I gathered my sis had gone and asked if he needed anything.

Didn't dig for info apart from asking where she was. He just said far enough! All was pleasant and he said he has loads of help from neighbours which reassured me. I offered AGAIN to have them over a weekend and said I'd love to see them. Hoping he will agree, was pleasant enough. He thanked me and I now feel I can chat to him as long as we keep it about the kids and stuff. I thanked him for being a great dad and looking after my family!

Thanks it really. Thanks for the push!!!