My sister has got herself in a right mess, not sure what to do?

[looneytune]

Where do I start??? (sorry it will be long)

Last year my sister mentioned to me that she'd been seeing a married bloke who she knows from school (he drops his kids off). I tried to point out what would probably happen (she's also married with 2 kids) but she had it in her head that she wanted to move in with this bloke she's been seeing for 2 weeks and live happily ever after with him and her kids. I told her that it will be messy blabla and she said 'oh no, ds is best friends with his ds, they'll love living together' - cuckoo land!!! Anyway, tried (in nice way) to make her see sense but never got through. I told her I thought it was great she was getting attention again (as she'd gone from size 24+ to size 12 figure) but that's all I thought was good about it.

Anyway, this is about a year ago (ish). Her dh found out ages ago and so did the rest of my family. The boyfriend and his wife split up and the rest has been pretty much hidden from the family (my parents are just trying to help but she's been getting a lot of advice about working it out with her dh and sorting her life out but she obviously doesn't want to hear it).

In the last week or so, my family have discovered her dh's blogs (online diary for those who don't know) and have been keeping an eye out. Lots in there which has made us aware of the latest situation but I won't go into that.

What's worried me is that last week my sister sent a text to my mum to pass on to all the family, basically saying sorry for everything and a kiss on the end. This worried me, my sister doesn't do kisses. She's taken overdoses before and so it made me think. I tried to get hold of her but couldn't but part of me thought it would be ok as she's an attention seeker anyway and has taken overdoses before and then told us straight after - this is her way of getting us on side without having to apologise about stuff.

Anyway, after reading the blog, we discovered that indeed she had tried something on that day. It looks like she took an overdose (then threw up) and cut her wrist - lots of blood on towel etc. We're pretty sure that she's done this as she now has realised she wants to stay with her dh but she's run out of chances and he won't have her. I'm pretty sure she didn't actually mean to end it but just to make him feel like he has to take her back.

Anyway, he's not having her back but sounds like he's trying to help her sort her head out. Well, last night she moved in with her bf as she's the type that just won't try it alone.

I'm really worried she's lost all grip with reality and don't know what to do. She wants custody of the kids yet has been staying 2 hrs drive away and not getting back to take kids to school even though promised. Her xdh is very lucky that work are understanding about his lateness but he must be careful. So, she wants custody but is never there for her kids and did herself harm - I'm afraid my sister at the moment is an unfit mother and actually better off with their dad :(

I can't get through, only by text and when she replies, it's just I'm ok and kisses - she's covering up. I want to offer my brother in law support but am not supposed to know what I know and he's not a fan of our family since xmas (long story) . Don't know what to do. He's having trouble with school runs/work and neighbours have been getting involved but starting to get p'd off about it (know this from blogs).

What do I do??? Do I just be honest with him and say I know and can I help or should I keep out.

This is my neice and nephew - haven't seen them for ages now :(

Sorry it was so long!

Great news that you've managed to broach the subject with him and the truth is out there. Hopefully now he'll feel able to let you help.

Well done looneytune. By your gentle prodding you have hopefully got a foot in to checking on the welfare of the kids but without revealing about the blogs which could have backfired. Hope you can make further progress and get to see the kids soon.

Yeah, I must admit I wasn't happy about him knowing we read the blogs and also, it's our only way of finding details out as neither of them are giving much. At least this way I have contact now and he's emailed me this morning about the email that I sent yesterday (just arrived) so I can now ask if he got my email about having the kids and what does he think etc.

I wish I knew where my sister was, all I know is that she's somewhere in the country about 2 hrs away (i think i know where she might be from the blogs but i don't know why there - maybe boyfriend now lives there?)

I texted my sister last night, friendly but asking for her to please text and just let me know where she is so I don't keep worrying. I've realised I've probably just given her what she wants. It's very likely that she's read it and decided not to reply on purpose as she loves the attention of us worrying - isn't that sad and cruel

Anyway, sod her for now, my neice and nephew are what matters!!!

Well keep up the contact with your BIL looneytune and hopefully that will lead to the children. TBH it must be quite hard for him atm if he is in a country with all his family miles away and trying to sort out childcare, work etc.

I know. Despite the horrible things he's said to me and my dad in particular (i'm sure my sister fed stuff to him, she's always been very jealous of me since we were kids), I still want to be there for him too as he really does have no one. At least he's got lots of friends now, seems my sister's friends have gone against her and helping him out - good!

Just going to email him now and gently see what can be done about me having the kids. He could have a night out or chill without the worry of childcare!

sister just called, really confused now

Why are you confused looneytune ? What has she told you. I hope you are ok.

looneytune..

Very sorry to hear about all your difficulties with your suster, it must be very stressful for you.

I'm surprised no-one has asked this before, but has your sister had any kind of pyschiatric help or support? It sounds very much as though she may be mentally ill, especially with the repeated overdoses.

not ignoring you, it all changes by the second. thanks for asking and will be in touch soon. got my brother and brother in law on msn and having different conversations, doing my head in!

anyway, thanks

Let us know when you can, it all sounds pretty complicated!

Sorry I disappeared, with my sister things can change by the hour and I was just about to post about one thing then it all changed and I was just really confused.

Janos - I think my sister did go to counselling once but can't remember, I need to check when parents are back at weekend. To cut long story short, sis very very poorly baby (lost oxygen when cord wrapped round neck, she's a twin) and actually suffered cot death months later and dad brought her back with mouth to mouth etc. Dr's said was a miracle. ANYWAY.......very poorly, surprised turned out normal(ish), wrapped in cotton wool as kid, always had problems with relationships (friends etc) and we as a family have tip-toed round her for all these years. She's got away with so much and this is the first time we thought we needed to be tough and let her learn from her own mistakes. Sounds cruel like that but if you knew the history, you'd know it's right. I think she needs to speak to someone professional as I think the whole of the way she was brought up and being so ill, I think it's affected her ability to think like normal people do.

That aside...........here's an update as short as I can make it...........

Sis phoned yesterday, said not just walked out on kids, looking at schools, for house etc to try and build new life as not in love with xdh blabla. I agree not to stay with dh however I feel she's just moving in with other bloke as would never manage on her own (she's never tried the alone route - EVER! and she's also very very lazy). Told me she's got a solicitor who insisted my sister WILL get the kids. I mentioned I was worried she'd done something last week (I know she did but can't say that) due to a particular text which was strange. She said something did happen but she wouldn't say what. I had to be very very careful how we spoke and to be very on side etc as she's the queen of hanging up!!! I wanted to find out if her solicitor knew she'd harmed herself - makes a big difference IMO! Anyway, she mentioned coming back this weekend but still wouldn't tell me where she's living (I know where though!). She still says we don't know her xdh but won't say what that means so I think she's just saying it (she's funny like that). She did however say he has pushed her and called her a slag in front of kids and i said it's wrong but it happens when stressed and upset. Doesn't make it right but doesn't make him a bad father iyswim. She says he's trying to 'stitch her up' and I take that as he wants the kids - don't blame him!

THEN, my brother phones her last night and said he think's he's persuaded her to rent in the area she's from, she can stay at his place blabla. I only know from chatting on MSN, I couldn't call him. Trying to get hold of bro now to get full details. Basically he would have insisted she confirmed some details and she would never hang up on him (they're twins) so he can get away with being more forceful.

SO, as for my sister's plans?????

In meantime, me and brother in law chatting nicely. He's looking into childcare vouchers at work and asked how much I charge for summer hols (I'm a childminder) and I'm not replying yet as he obviously doesn't know her plans and I'm scared of messing things up I'm supposed to be confirming whether or not I want the kids this weekend and don't know what to say. Can't get hold of parents or brother to get advice. I know she's coming down and I don't know the plans and what's she going to think about me going behind her back etc.

Oh, I'm so unsure what to do. It's doing my head in!!!

Anyway, that's it. Tried to keep it short but couldn't - sorry!

Right, emailed him and said my brother has let me know sis is coming this weekend so probably best not to have them then. I said maybe next weekend. There, sorted it in the end!

I think you did the right thing to e-mail BIL. It wouldn't have looked great if you had them and BIL found out your sister was coming. Your sister would also know you've been talking to him.
I'm not sure your sisters solicitor is correct that she will get the children. I'm sure he would fight any custody battle.
I hope things get better for you.

Thanks, I don't think my sister has been totally honest with the solicitor as all my family also think she shouldn't/won't get custody. God knows!!!

On a more positive note, I had some great news today. Some people on MN know that dh lost his job on xmas eve (we're fighting it), well he's applied for loads and loads of jobs and never even got offered an interview - unfortunately age isn't on his side . He finally got some temp work after 2/3 months of major struggling (we almost lost the house!). Well, he had an interview last night (at company temping for) and was told this morning that he got the job and starts Monday!!! It's not supposed to start until end July but they are so impressed, they want him to start asap as it's a brand new team they are putting together! Also £2k more than we thought!!! Finally, after half a year, things are looking up!

Sure I'll be knocked back down with the next installment on the sister situation!!!

Oh well, I'm happy for now anyway

Congrats to DH on the job

Well done to your dh! I know that feeling of having a weight lifted from you, it's great isn't it!

Thanks guys. It's been a real struggle but I see light at the end of the tunnel now Just need to take old employers to court and WIN!!!

Feel sick. Sister due to see her kids this weekend and I just hope it's not a messy meeting. These poor kids do not need to be around this!!

Keep your fingers crossed it goes ok for them

Don't believe it, sister was on her way to see her kids when she had an accident on the motorway and crashed into central reservation and wrote her car off . God knows what's going to happen now, she's with my brother at the moment and I'm waiting to hear the full story.

She said she thought she was a gonna which must have been terrifying. I feel awful now about all the bad things I've said

Oh no! Hopefully it'll be like my dh's crash, also ending up in the central reservation with car written off - he got off with a slightly sprained wrist.

Great news re your dh.

Just spoken to bro and he couldn't give any details as was in middle of playing with nephew. I presume she's fine, not in hospital or anything. I know fire engine was there but not sure if needed. Anyway, she's alive and now with the kids!

She wasn't fully comp so that's it for the car as she has no money. That may help her to decide to stay in the area???

Thanks about dh, we still can't believe he's finally got a job!!

Sister is fine, very lucky (brother said car is a right mess) but all she suffered was a loss of car.

Spoke to sis earlier and she is going back to boyfriends (now learnt that living with him and his parents. sis and boyfriend no jobs and no cars). Her xdh is driving her there tomorrow afternoon as he had the day off anyway. He's off to CAB in the morning to find out his rights. Found out the solicitor my sis has got advice from is one of these free ones and we're sure she doesn't have all the details (sis harming herself then taking overdose).

Anyway, I am going to see her in the morning before she leaves and whilst her xdh is out (although I'm sure I'll see him quickly before he leaves).

My brother said when they spoke yesterday, he made it very clear that the kids should stay at the same school etc as they have enough to deal with due to split without sending them somewhere with a new bloke on the scene and no friends or anything familiar. She deffo wants to move away to where she's staying but I THINK she may agree that it's best for kids to stay. I will give my piece tomorrow and if she decides to fight for the kids to go with her, me and my parents (and prob bro) will all be on the kids dad's side as we need to look out for the kids!

If anyone has any advice on how to tackle sis tomorrow, please feel free to say

BTW, this broke my heart.........brother playing upstairs with nephew (8) yesterday. Nephew went distant for a min or 2 so bro asked what was wrong, nephew said 'oh, my mind is playing tricks on me, i thought they were arguing again, it's okm they aren't' and he had tears in his eyes. My brother gave him a hug and he just started crying. [i'm in tears again now, poor loves!]

My sis has it in her head that when the kids say they don't mind where they live, they really don't mind. They just don't want to make things worse so are going along with things and bottling their emotions up. The kids haven't really cried in front of their parents and have just kept all this to themselves. I just want to give them both a great big cuddle!!!

I hope everything goes well with your sister. I think she needs to be told to think of the children for a change. How would they feel going to live with her boyfriend and his parents who they don't know.
Do you think it'll make any difference if she knows that you are on xdh side.
Good luck.

Thanks. My brother has already spoken to her but I'm not sure how clear he's made it who's side he's on. If he's said he's on xdh's side then it might make a difference as he's her twin and she tends to listen to him more than anyone else. Having said that, my brother did say that she sounded like she'd choose the new life over her kids - selfish cow!

All I can do is say what I think and see what my opinion is after seeing her as I haven't seen her for months. It's hard when other people say what happened, you can miss bits.

Should be an interesting meeting anyway. Will post later and let you know what happened. It won't be until tonight probably as I'm off to see JellyJelly this afternoon to try and cheer her up - you'll know if you've read her thread (dp dropped bombshell )

Looneytune, what a nightmare.

Your sister is clearly not thinking straight if she wants to uproot her children - that is not on. She must think of them first, they're innocent.

I think your sister needs some tough love, it sounds like she's living in a fantasy world.

Good luck, hope today goes well.