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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

menopause my dh and porn

64 replies

ianandsibel1971 · 06/09/2013 22:32

Not sure how to start this.

I've discovered that my dh is watching online porn, I confronted him today about it having checked his history on his laptop.

I feel betrayed but I am 49 and starting the change and just not interested in sex, he is 7 years younger and when I confronted him he said he felt ashamed but need an outlet for his needs.

I am angry but has he really done anything wrong

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 06/09/2013 22:36

I think if you're not interested in sex, you aren't really on a position to stop him tbh. Why aren't you interested in sex anymore?

Yseulte · 06/09/2013 22:51

If you're not interested in sex, why do you mind if he watches porn?

Fairylea · 06/09/2013 22:56

Hmm porn is a difficult topic because it's acceptable for some and not for others.

But if you've completely gone off sex and your dh hasn't I don't think you can expect him to give up any sexual desires he has.

Have you discussed your lack of sex drive with him? Is it something you are trying to work together on?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 06/09/2013 23:05

"If you're not interested in sex, why do you mind if he watches porn?"

That's a good point. I'm in a similar situation. I don't know exactly why it bothers me either but it really does.

Will watch this with interest. Any thread that mentions a partner and porn always gets a response of some sort.

Jellykat · 06/09/2013 23:16

Would you consider using HRT, or any of the more natural recommendations on the Peri Meno threads to get some sort of Libido back?

I don't really think you can expect him to forget about his sex drive, and it's not as if he doesn't fancy you anymore is it? Sounds harsh, but i'm peri meno too, so i do get where you're physically coming from.

Fairenuff · 06/09/2013 23:22

You say that you are not interested in sex but do you still have a sexual relationship with him?

peggyundercrackers · 06/09/2013 23:27

realistically what do you want him to do? or what did you expect him to do?

It doesn't sound like he is being unreasonable though, lots of people use it as an outlet.

why did you look at his internet history on his laptop?

Leavenheath · 07/09/2013 01:01

I'm aghast at some of these posts.

Are folk confusing masturbation with porn use?

It is possible to wank without porn, you know.

OP if you're not interested in sex and your partner still wants orgasms, I presume you don't have a problem with him masturbating, but he really doesn't have to use unethically sourced material to do that.

Rules · 07/09/2013 01:13

Why do you think your not interested in sex op? Going through the menopause doesn't mean you lose your libido. I think that as your still young you might sort this out for him and for yourself. It's very healthy for you to keep enjoying sex and keeps you bonded as a couple.

CharityFunDay · 07/09/2013 01:21

but he really doesn't have to use unethically sourced material to do that.

Since when was all porn automatically 'unethical'?

You are being ridiculously uptight about it.

OP, I reckon it's none of your business what he wanks to, as long as it's legal. Don't be a "dog in the manger".

Leavenheath · 07/09/2013 01:24

You tell me how you can prove it is not unethical.

CharityFunDay · 07/09/2013 03:05

Don't be stupid.

You're the one making a substantive claim, it's up to you to prove your case.

And you can save your typing calories, because I'm not getting into this tedious old argument on this thread anyway.

cronullansw · 07/09/2013 04:50

''I am angry but has he really done anything wrong''

So whats the problem?

You've taken sex off the menu.

He's watching porn, instead of going out and pulling hot MILF's, you should be over the moon, not angry.

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2013 06:43

Leavenheath why are you aghast at the previous posts to yours? What a ridiculous thing to say.

Not only do you want the ops DH to accept that sex has stopped with her, you want the OP to dictate what he is able to wank to. That sounds very unfair to me Confused. If my DH stopped having sex with me I would tell him to get lost if he then put conditions down as to how and when I could masterbate (unless it involved an affair).

Menopause should not be the end of a sex life.

Leavenheath · 07/09/2013 12:40

I'm aghast because a woman has come on here to explore her feelings about her partner using porn and instead of inviting her to discuss that in a supportive environment, she mainly got responses that focused on her not wanting sex, that assumed she was against masturbation itself, that accused her of being a 'dog in a manger' and which told her that she was being unreasonable to expect any other behaviour.

Since I posted, she's been told to count her blessings that her partner isn't being unfaithful, described in that poster's usual misogynist language.

I hope she comes back, but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. The whole tone of this thread is that unless she has sex with her partner (when none of you know whether the menopause is making that painful or difficult) she has to accept her partner masturbating to porn.

So I'm here to say to the OP 'No you don't have to accept that. If you're uncomfortable about your partner using porn to masturbate, you've got the right to those feelings. Masturbation is normal but people really don't have to use porn to do it.'

valiumredhead · 07/09/2013 13:07

I agree with leaven

AnyFucker · 07/09/2013 13:19

So I'm here to say to the OP 'No you don't have to accept that. If you're uncomfortable about your partner using porn to masturbate, you've got the right to those feelings. Masturbation is normal but people really don't have to use porn to do it.'

Agree

valiumredhead · 07/09/2013 13:24

Grateful he's not pulling some hot milfs- speaks volumes about your own relationship of you think that is acceptableHmm

mercibucket · 07/09/2013 13:26

everything leavenheath said

AnyFucker · 07/09/2013 13:40

Some people are so desperate to bring others down to their own level so they can bolster their own dubious sense of superiority, they think it appropriate to go on threads where people are upset and try very hard indeed to make them feel even worse.

FeelingDeceived10 · 07/09/2013 13:49

Well if I was the OP I would certainly not come back.

I understand her confused feelings towards the discovery she's made. She may not have been snooping exactly, it's easy to stumble across things you'd rather not have.

People have their own limits around this sort of thing. Maybe it's the frequency of what he's doing, it's possible to be addicted to porn in a way that neglects your real life relationship. The OP might feel more like sex with her partner if he was willing to talk to her, they could work out why she is less interested now, what might make her feel more like it.

OP if you look back at this I would recommend seeking some couples counselling for you both Relate are a good starting point they do offer a specific psychosexual counselling service.

I'm reeling about this sort of thing (and much worse) in my own life at the moment.

People were way more supportive to me, you should be ashamed of yourselves those who have belittled the OPs distress.

valiumredhead · 07/09/2013 14:05

This thread high lights exactly why I would never come to MN for any advice other than what blusher is in this season. Which is a shame as it's meant to be for support.

OP counselling sounds like a good planSmile

Bowlersarm · 07/09/2013 14:16

I didn't realise you were only supposed to post if you agree with the OP!

Leavenheath · 07/09/2013 14:36

It's not about 'agreeing with the OP'. Plus, sarcastic and passive aggressive posts claiming that there are unwritten rules on the board, hardly advances the discussion.

Surely it's about acknowledging the OP's feelings and not rubbishing them? And sticking with the issue she's posted about and not blaming her for why it's happening?

You might not feel the same way as her about porn and it's fairly commonplace (although baffling) for posters to conflate porn use with masturbation even though they are entirely separate entities, but it's the ridiculing put out or shut up nature of some of the posts that was indefensible, in my view.

Boosterseat · 07/09/2013 16:05

[Shock] At the "overreaction" posts here, FFS it's not AIBU.

His balls will not explode if he doesn't wank to porn

Op- part of feeling sexual for me is feeling confident and add the menopause and the porn discovery and I'm sure you're not feeling your best. Porn and shame go hand in hand (excuse the shit pun) for some men and he may be feeling awful too. Please talk to him about how it's made you feel, explain porn use may only dampen your desire further and you don't want to get into that cycle but want to reconnect sexually as a partnership.

Porn disgusts me, if you search my previous posts you can see it gets me very emotive but I love sex, I'm a very sexual person but part of that comes from my partners desire to please me, make me feel secure and loved daily which is in itself a massive turn on. For good sex, the turn on has to be mental combined with the physical, the build up of promising each other that you can make them feel good has got to be better than seeing some stange bloke cum on a strangers face?

God that was so Tmi Blush

But I firmly believe the best sex can come from truly being in tune with each others feelings, talking about it when you're not feeling sexy and ask the other person to support you.

thinks I should shut up about it now

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