Afternoon, tis me, Mouse
WARNING, VERY LONG, WAFFLING, JUST THOUGHTS, SELFISH POST ALERT
So, for the last few weeks, I've been thinking about my relationship with alcohol and where it all started. Really started and why.
Most of you know that I used to be in a very abusive relationship, something that I've never hidden, but also something that I'll never get over, of forgive myself for and that's when I really started to drink, in the day, after dropping DD at school, after picking her up, cooking dinner, after she'd gone to bed, BUT only ever when I was at his house and with him.
I started to think of all the horrible things he put me through and each memory I have is linked to alcohol, that was my medicine, my healer, my soothing friend who understood my pain.
It was who I'd turn to, I made alcohol a close friend, almost a real 'thing', it had a solid presence in my life almost. Every time that he cheated, I'd get a bottle of vodka, and some beers and we'd sit, me and my best friend and try to make excuses as to why he'd cheated, hit me, hurt me again, and much worse..... 
We'd talk to each other for hours me and my friend, not aloud of course, in the lounge whilst he was in the kitchen. He'd be in there with one of his mates, who'd happened to have 'just popped round' drinking beer, DD would be at my parents or at her father's.....
All of my real friends had gone by then, he'd seen to that, so my new friend and I grew really close, the worse things got, the more I spent time with her, Voddy.... he paid for it, he always made sure that I had plenty in when I was at his house. The place was never booze free, the place was never empty, he always had someone to go and 'see' there was always someone/thing more important than me in his life and I knew it. Eventually I knew what he was doing to me. And I let him because I loved him. I thought I could change him, love him enough for him to love me back, really love me. Completely.
So Voddy and I grew closer, when she started to run out on me, have nothing left to give, I'd turn to other 'friends' wine, beers, and even the odd line of coke, again, all things that were on tap at his house, the house that he said would always be my home. DD's home but I got the impression that she wasn't always welcome. He was happy to be her dad when it suited him, something I didn't see at the time, something that cuts so deep now I could weep.
Voddy took that away from me, she hid the truth, the reality, she hid what he was from me because I didn't want to see it, so, that's what she did..... didn't she? 
Except it wasn't my home, he was sharing his house, his bed with others...... his life, his car, every part of himself. And I let him talk his way out of the most obvious situations time and time and time again, I believed the lies, the promises..... I took them all as paranoia, I was the unreasonable one, they were all just his friends with benefits
But I believed what Voddy told me much more. She understood me, my feelings, my worries and she knew how to ease the stabbing pain. She'd soften the edges, soothe the ache in my heart, in my head, something my own DD could have done easily. Why didn't I walk away and go to her more? Why did I believe that when he invited me round for dinner, that's what would happen.
When I finally left, I left Voddy behind too, (mainly because I was in a hostel for battered women and alcohol was strictly forbidden), but I didn't really miss her, I missed him. I would cry myself to sleep. DD did too, miss him and I couldn't tell her why we'd gone or what the place was or why we only had two bags of clothes and my beat up old car......
It felt odd not to drink, not to have Voddy there whenever I wanted. But in time, I realised that all she was doing was helping me to hide from pain. Hide from myself.
At the bottom of the empty bottles, there was nothing left, a void, a space, open, gaping and so obvious. She gone, so I replaced her.
Now that she wasn't even a part of my life, I had to find other ways to numb the pain, close the boxes, shutting my eyes was the hardest thing to do, I saw him when I closed my eyes. But I had help, I had counselling, I had support and I had my real friends, family back, and best of all, I had DD all day, every day.
My DD was my cure and I had to put all of me into her to heal, to start again.
I have no idea why I've been wanting to post for this a while, I've been thinking about triggers and where it all started and why I drank.
I suppose I've posted this because we must all have a trigger, something/someone that started you drinking? Someone or some event in your life that made you say fuck it and before you know it, you have a best friend, just like Voddy
Some years later, I met up with her again, after Nemo was born, and that's why I've been on the Bus for four years :)
Because this time, I knew what the friendship would mean to her and to me..... and this time, I had someone who actually did love me, for me :)
The lesson? At the end of the bottle, is an empty void, not the answer you're looking for, not the love of your life, not the winning lottery numbers, not the meaning of life, not the reason that you're drinking in the first place, not your dream job - just nightmares, sweats, poor sleep, peeing in the night.....
At the bottom of the bottle, is the bottom of the bottle and your purse or wallet is that bit lighter..... your self loathing, that bit more, your physical and mental health, that bit more damaged, your life as a whole, that bit more shit actually.
Thank you if you've read this.
It's been whirling around in my head of late, I've been thinking about him and all the fucking abominable things that he did to me, the shocking and appalling lies he told, being picked up, bleeding and battered from his driveway by a male police officer, mostly naked with my ripped coat thrown at me, and my smashed mobile thrown after me, trying to play it down and make excuses, explaining bruises or not.... I must have stank to high heaven of Voddy.
My friend Voddy and the comfort, support and kindness she showed me
And then when Voddy and I met again, I would fall because of her and have to explain more bruises. I'd blackout. I'd puke. I'd embarrass my gorgeous DD, DH and put Nemo at risk.
Once. Just once. But ONCE was enough!!
It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
I promise. xxx
PS - I've not read this back, I've just typed so sorry for the shit grammar, spelling etc 