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Original poster

I keep stuffing up dates arghhh

55 replies

Throwingthetowel · 04/09/2013 07:05

I'm reasonably attractive and have no problem getting dates, it's keeping them I struggle with.
This week I met with a guy I'd Been for a brief date with six weeks ago and then due to him being away for work and sick it took until this week to catch up again, lots of sexting in between.
So the date itself goes well, we both know its going to end up in bed that's was average tbh, a few comedy moments where I got cramp that kind of thing.
Anyway a bit of morning glory the next day, he drops me at the station for work, kiss goodbye and speak soon from him and then nothing. The silence is deafening lol

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 04/09/2013 07:28

Sounds like it was clear he wanted to get his end away and that was that. He got what he was looking for, and off he fucks, I guess.

Bant · 04/09/2013 07:28

Sounds like you didn't stuff anything up, but the guy was only after a one night stand. How long since he was I'm touch?

Original poster
Throwingthetowel · 04/09/2013 07:36

48 hours I guess, I did say that wasn't what I wanted though, was really clear and he said he understood that, added me on FB etc, do you do that with ONS ?
Oh well I'll chalk that one up to experience. I'm certainly not texting him first.

OP posts:
Bant · 04/09/2013 07:40

Some men like to wait for 3 days to show they're not needy.. But there's no point hanging around by the phone. You've done nothing wrong and he may be busy, or a player. No way to know until you know

Original poster
Throwingthetowel · 04/09/2013 07:44

3 days ..... Crickey, I am so out of practice .... I know he is busy but a text would've be nice I suppose.
I need to go on some sort of course for beginners at 38

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 04/09/2013 07:52

The learning point from my POV is how little difference it makes whether you say 'I'm looking for a relationship' or not. If a shag is what they're after, they'll say anything you want to hear. Sad, really - dunno why the OD sites bother with a 'what I'm looking for' check box, meaningless AFAICS

Original poster
Throwingthetowel · 04/09/2013 08:01

I think I'm knocking the sexting on the head too, frankly I was a foregone conclusion wasn't I ? He just needed to get the couple if stinks out the way and bingo.
Am cross with myself really.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 04/09/2013 08:07

To be fair, what responsibility is it of the OP's date if she's looking for a relationship or not? You cannot know after 1 or 2 dates if someone is right for you even if you're both looking for a relationship. I actually think it's unfair to say I'll only sleep with someone if it's serious etc and then sleep with them on the second date.

hat said he sounds like he could be an arse who told you what you needed to hear. So learn from this and don't allow yourself to be manipulated and decide what you actually think about casual sex. (It's OK to like it!)

Plenty of people look for relationships but have ONS or flings along the way.

Personally I wouldn't have done lots of sexting ahead of the second date. To me, that sets the scene for a ONS.

TheBakeryQueen · 04/09/2013 08:09

You can contact him if you want. He might be thinking the same.

But if you want a relationship then I'd suggest developing a relationship first before sleeping together. Just my opinion of course.

VelvetSpoon · 04/09/2013 08:21

OP, just chalk it up to experience. Most men who OD in my experience are just looking to get laid, and will bullshit, lie and give you any old flannel to get what they want - tbh if you hadn't slept with this guy after date 2, he may well have hung around til date 3 or 4 to get what he wanted, and done the disappearing act at that stage. If he was just after sex - and it sounds like he was - it makes no difference as to whether you dtd on date 2, or date 7, the outcome would always have been the same.

CuChullain · 04/09/2013 08:33

@ VelvetSpoon

Most men?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 04/09/2013 08:43

She said most men who are on OD sites, which is probably true!

Original poster
Throwingthetowel · 04/09/2013 08:53

I just like honesty, if he'd said I just want to fuck you I may still have been up for that, but I specifically said that wasn't what I wanted.
Hopefully I'm completely over thinking the whole thing.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 04/09/2013 09:01

Read 'why men love bitches'. It'll give you some tips. It's a laugh and not to be taken too seriously but worth reading as a light hearted reminder of the basics of dating with dignity.

watchforthesnail · 04/09/2013 09:02

you played right into his hands this time im afraid :)

yes, men online will say anything, FB, spend ages texting, as it creates a false intimacy... which means you are more likely to be open to shagging them quicker... because those 2 dates feel more than just two dates.

You making it clear to him you didnt want a ons means nothing, hes just going to agree and run, which he did.

Dont sext unless you are up for some casual fun yourself, dont assume hes not sexing lots of other women too.

dating has changed a lot, online dating comes with a whole set of rules that can be rather baffling, and some behaviors which will raise your eyebrows. Its a learning curve, dust yourself off, be wiser next time :)

CuChullain · 04/09/2013 09:07

She said most men who are on OD sites, which is probably true!

A rather lazy generalisation, which is what I was trying to point out above. Most of my single male friends are using online dating sites, most of them are just looking for a like minded, thoughtful women with whom they can settle down and have a long loving future with. I met Mrs CuChullain through match.com, I was looking for similar. Of course there are players and chancers when it comes to OD (both men and women), but after a bit practice they are easy to spot and avoid leaving you to concentrate your efforts on people who at least share the same end goal as you (i.e. LTR).

The subject of OD comes up a lot on these pages and it is a bit despressing seeing the same tired lazy stereotypes thrown about every time.

Lovingfreedom · 04/09/2013 09:13

Well done ChuCuillain.

Lovingfreedom · 04/09/2013 09:15

Sorry spelt your name wrong...how lazy...whoops!!

HairyGrotter · 04/09/2013 09:43

TBF, with my experience of OD, which was about 3 years worth, 90% of the men who contacted me or I contacted were init to get their ends wet. Obviously, I can only go on what I've experienced. I met y DP through OD, I slept with him on the first date Blush as I wasn't that interested in dating him, wasn't my type etc, but we continued contact and I've never been happier. He's absolutely wonderful and I couldn't be without him.

There are plenty of men online that are genuine, it's a case of shifting through the shit to get to the gold. Chalk it down to experience, and crack on!

SunRaysthruClouds · 04/09/2013 09:57

It could be my old age but there is something that I can't get my head around with 'I slept with him on the first date as I wasn't that interested in dating him'.

Otherwise completely agree with CuChullain, and I have had many conversations with my exW about her experiences and they don't seem to tie in with the generalisations thrown about on here.

VelvetSpoon · 04/09/2013 10:01

It's not a lazy generalisation, it is my direct experience, which is valid. Simply because Cu you met your wife via OD, and have friends who are doing it who are (or tell you they are) seeking relationships, doesn't entitle you to discount my experience, which is that most men are not looking for relationships, or even a fwb, they simply want casual sex. I have met perhaps a handful of men in 4 years of OD on various sites, who were seeking (and capable of) a relationship. And I know I am very far from alone in that experience.

SunRaysthruClouds · 04/09/2013 10:02

Oh and exW has met and had good relationships with more than one man and is with someone very nice (by all accounts) now.

SunRaysthruClouds · 04/09/2013 10:06

Well Velvet 'most men' is a generalisation. If I felt like being pedantic I would say your experience is that most men who you have contacted or who have contacted you etc... Not the same thing necessarily.

VelvetSpoon · 04/09/2013 10:12

sunrays really does it matter? I did say in my experience of OD, which shouldn't make it necessary for me to have to further expand on that comment by adding in my experience of men I have contacted/ been contacted by, but since you seem intent on having a dig at me, and proving your anecdotal evidence from your ex-W is more valid and correct than what I have actually witnessed first hand, I hope the above expansion on my point satisfies your pedantry.

HairyGrotter · 04/09/2013 10:13

Sun, I was a free, independent woman who enjoyed casual sex. I found my DP attractive, but was not sure we were compatible in terms of a long term relationship. Neither of us were attached, so we had sex because we both wanted too. Simple as that. Turns out we fell in love and are extremely lucky and happy Grin

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