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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not so DH pressuring me into have sex more than I want it

55 replies

Jobean · 03/09/2013 22:19

My DH and me have different sex drives. I suppose its the usual story after having ds 10 and dd 5 you lose I interest and the opportunity to do it. I'm happy with 2-3 times a week but DH wants it every day and if he doesn't get it he gets extremely grumpy. He's making the whole thing such an unpleasant issue that its putting me off it and him entirely - yet he does not see my point at all. Sometimes after a hard days work when I go to bed I'm fit to drop, the last thing on my mind is sex. Lately though the reaction has taken a turn for the worse, if I say no he says I'm wierd and not normal- great way to try and get your partner in the mood! So I clam up and there's no way he's getting it then. But yesterday things took a real turn. I had been on a late night out for one of my close friends birthdays on sat night, he stayed in with the kids one of which was on a play date so he only really had one. I had prepared dinner for them which he only had to warm up. Sunday night I took the two kids to a local fair til 9 and we had our tea out. DH stayed in watching the football. Sunday night no sex. In the middle of the night dd came in after having a nightmare and I ended up in her bed settling her down and eventually fell asleep there. No work Monday for me so I slept in. Heard DH about 7 pottering but didn't get up. I went back to my own bed about 8 and he came in in a right grump. Then he got into bed and tried it in and I told him to get lost I was not in ghd mood and wasn't going to be moaned at for not getting up earlier to make time for sex. He went ballistic threw the washing basket everywhere and started to hit me with the lid bruising all my arms and legs - this is all whilst thank his the kids were asleep. He really bloody scared me and really hurt me. He said he wants to leave and I don't want him to stay. He won't leave until he has half the share if the equity in the house. It's a nightmare it could take months to sell the house and I'm stuck with him. He does have a short fuse and has been verbally abusive to me before but never physically, then like most abuser is soooo nice in between as long as he is getting his own way, my god reading this you must think I'm so stupid staying here and putting up with this man. I started this thread thinking is it my fault for turning him down. He also started raging about how he'd looked after the kids do I could go out flaunting myself - what a joke! I go out maybe 4-5 times a year oh I'm rambling now help? I feel really stupid that I can't exit this relationship and feel its all my fault :(

OP posts:
rainbowfeet · 03/09/2013 22:23

He physically assaulted you, if you want him gone then report it to the police... Don't live in fear Hmm

picnicbasketcase · 03/09/2013 22:26

He attacked you because you said you weren't in the mood. You need it to end it. Hopefully someone who knows how the legal side of getting him out works will be along shortly. I hope you're okay.

Ehhn · 03/09/2013 22:26

There will be other wiser people than me on here...

sorry you are going through this. Are you hurt/bruised? If you are, document the attack and then phone the police. He has committed a crime and so you can deman reasonable protection in your own home.

Chin up :)

Ehhn · 03/09/2013 22:26

Sorry that smiley is supposed to be a supportive face...

giantpurplepeopleeater · 03/09/2013 22:27

Please call the police. He has assaulted you. They can help you get him out of the house and the rest of th stuff can be sorted after.

Viking1 · 03/09/2013 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 03/09/2013 22:28

Please contact the police and women's aid. They will help you.

No one should be assaulted for not wanting to have sex, verbally or physically.

He is very abusive. I'm so sorry.

ModeratelyObvious · 03/09/2013 22:29

Call the police, please.

BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 22:31

I don't know much about this sort of thing, but I would suggest you speak to your GP about any injuries, report the assault to the police (101 non emergency number, or go in if it's easier) and maybe speak to Women's Aid. I think it is very important that you get this documented.

Thanks
SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2013 22:31

Yes, report him to the police and call WA. You can have him removed from the house and a court order in place to prevent him from returning, because you have reasonable grounds to fear violence from him.

No one is entitled to sex. You are not property. He is abusive, and he is completely in the wrong.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/09/2013 22:32

Please call the police. Having a record of his assault is vital to get him out of the house.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 03/09/2013 22:34

And he is completely in the wrong to demand and coerce you into sex. He doesn't have a right to sex with your body. You cold say no every night for a year and you wouldn't be in the wrong. He's a sexual abuser and he's completely foul.

sweetiepie1979 · 03/09/2013 22:37

Jesus Christ! Call the police! Get rid what a bastard!

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 22:37

If you want him gone you can call the police. You can do it after the event so don't worry you didn't at the time.

LTBAngry

Jobean · 03/09/2013 22:39

I can't believe I have been so stupid. I am an educated person, with a great job and am the major bread winner yet I allow this man to crush me and I don't feel I have any power to overcome it. We are not talking I am sleeping in my dds room. The house is on the market as I can't afford to buy him out which means major upheaval for the kids but this is no way to live and no way to show them how relationships work. I'm not scared to the point that I feel
I should go to the women's refuge but I do know this has to stop. I'm me wr good enough I run myself into the ground to keep things happy and do not to set him off what am I doing its soo woeful and I'm so ashamed I live like this - he thinks he's normal and everyone else is wrong !

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 03/09/2013 22:42

Please report him to the police. He does not deserve to breathe the same air as you.

Jobean · 03/09/2013 22:44

I've been too ashamed to tell anyone :(

OP posts:
Jobean · 03/09/2013 22:44

Everyone thinks everything is just great !

OP posts:
BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 22:49

It's ok to feel awful, but none of this is your fault. He has physically assaulted you, in your own home, because you wouldn't have sex with him. Get this logged with the police. See a solicitor tomorrow. Make this be the last time. You can do this.

valiumredhead · 03/09/2013 22:51

You don't have to leave, he does though. You stay put!

You poor thing x

Inertia · 03/09/2013 22:56

As well as speaking to the police and solicitor, you should see your doctor urgently - both to check that you are physically ok and to have an official medical record of your injuries.

The police can make him leave - he has committed a violent crime against you. You don't have to live with this.

Darkesteyes · 03/09/2013 22:58

OP Report him to the police He has assaulted you. And yes see a solicitor. HE will have to leave not you.

NorksAreMessy · 03/09/2013 22:59

Oh, jobean this has been going on for years, hasn't it?
You know that it will go on for years more if you don't change something yourself. You are not going to change him.

We will help you, support you, advise you and hold your hand, but you have to take the next step on your own

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 23:01

You have a perfect excuse to take a short cut and give you what you both want

he wants to go, you want him out

Report him to the police for assaulting you and get a restraining order

Job done

You won't though, will you ?

Jobean · 03/09/2013 23:08

Thanks everyone I'm crying my eyes out reading this is such a release to share rather than paper over the cracks til the next time. I will stay strong life is too short to live in fear or to live life treading on eggshells x I will do it I will I may not get police involved but I will see a solicitor - I'm not sure he's even entitled to half and if not I may just be able to afford to stay here with the kids xx thanks for support and just writing it down has made me see it for what it really is - will keep you posted xx

OP posts: