Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not so DH pressuring me into have sex more than I want it

55 replies

Jobean · 03/09/2013 22:19

My DH and me have different sex drives. I suppose its the usual story after having ds 10 and dd 5 you lose I interest and the opportunity to do it. I'm happy with 2-3 times a week but DH wants it every day and if he doesn't get it he gets extremely grumpy. He's making the whole thing such an unpleasant issue that its putting me off it and him entirely - yet he does not see my point at all. Sometimes after a hard days work when I go to bed I'm fit to drop, the last thing on my mind is sex. Lately though the reaction has taken a turn for the worse, if I say no he says I'm wierd and not normal- great way to try and get your partner in the mood! So I clam up and there's no way he's getting it then. But yesterday things took a real turn. I had been on a late night out for one of my close friends birthdays on sat night, he stayed in with the kids one of which was on a play date so he only really had one. I had prepared dinner for them which he only had to warm up. Sunday night I took the two kids to a local fair til 9 and we had our tea out. DH stayed in watching the football. Sunday night no sex. In the middle of the night dd came in after having a nightmare and I ended up in her bed settling her down and eventually fell asleep there. No work Monday for me so I slept in. Heard DH about 7 pottering but didn't get up. I went back to my own bed about 8 and he came in in a right grump. Then he got into bed and tried it in and I told him to get lost I was not in ghd mood and wasn't going to be moaned at for not getting up earlier to make time for sex. He went ballistic threw the washing basket everywhere and started to hit me with the lid bruising all my arms and legs - this is all whilst thank his the kids were asleep. He really bloody scared me and really hurt me. He said he wants to leave and I don't want him to stay. He won't leave until he has half the share if the equity in the house. It's a nightmare it could take months to sell the house and I'm stuck with him. He does have a short fuse and has been verbally abusive to me before but never physically, then like most abuser is soooo nice in between as long as he is getting his own way, my god reading this you must think I'm so stupid staying here and putting up with this man. I started this thread thinking is it my fault for turning him down. He also started raging about how he'd looked after the kids do I could go out flaunting myself - what a joke! I go out maybe 4-5 times a year oh I'm rambling now help? I feel really stupid that I can't exit this relationship and feel its all my fault :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Jobean · 03/09/2013 23:09

Thanks everyone I'm crying my eyes out reading this is such a release to share rather than paper over the cracks til the next time. I will stay strong life is too short to live in fear or to live life treading on eggshells x I will do it I will I may not get police involved but I will see a solicitor - I'm not sure he's even entitled to half and if not I may just be able to afford to stay here with the kids xx thanks for support and just writing it down has made me see it for what it really is - will keep you posted xx

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 03/09/2013 23:11

Why dont you want to get the police involved He has assaulted you. Are your family or his a bit victim blamey? Is that the reason.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 23:12

Jo, start telling people in RL

Covering up for his abuse and keeping up the facade is damaging you, and colluding with him

You might be surprised that he isn't actually fooling all of the people, all of the time

fuzzywuzzy · 03/09/2013 23:12

Report him to the police get a non molestation order.

Who's the main carer for the children? If you are the starting point of financial settlements is 25% of equity to him, or you can have the house sale put on hold till when the children are older I think 16/17, think its called a mesher order & then sold with proceeds split between you both.

Firstly get him out of the house & be safe.

BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 23:14

Report it to the police for the fact that they will log it. AFAIK you don't have to take it any further than that. Go to your GP and get the bruises on record for the same reason. You may never need this evidence. On the other hand ...

Lweji · 03/09/2013 23:17

Been there.
Got rid of the bastard.
Got custody of the child.
Got him a nice criminal charge.

Also highly educated, good job, main bread winner.

I went to the police, and to hospital to be treated for the injuries.

Please take care of yourself, and have your phone with you at all times.
He's likely to hurt you again, now that he's started.

Please don't be ashamed. He did this to you.
You didn't cause it or asked for it.
His responsibility.

Original poster
Jobean · 05/09/2013 09:42

Well the morning after I wrote the original post he beat me in front of my two devastated DCs, punching me slapping me, holding me by the throat and dragging me round the front room by my hair all before we were about to set off for the school run. I didnt say anything to him to provoke it it just came from nowhere. Now in a refuge but safe - devastated but relieved to be out of there and now on a journey which I never expected to be on, I will be fine but I am so worried about my DCs, they have both gone to school today but are they really ok? Oh god I wish I had left the night before :(

OP posts:
Snapespeare · 05/09/2013 09:49

You have been very brave. No point in blaming yourself a little for not leaving sooner - you've now left and are getting support. Your DCs will be fine, they'll get support too - & I know it's difficult, but tell the school... They will want to help your DCs.

Fairylea · 05/09/2013 09:50

You are a survivor. And so brave. Your dc have seen that you put them first. You have left.

Thinking of you and hoping you get all the support you deserve.

oldgrandmama · 05/09/2013 10:05

Your poor girl. PLEASE tell me you've now contacted the police?

LurcioLovesFrankie · 05/09/2013 10:05

Nothing constructive to offer other than a big hug. Well done for being incredibly brave and getting out. I second the advice about telling school so they can support your DC, and understand their behaviour. I also hope you can find it in yourself to report to the police but it's entirely your call. Do go to your GP to get your injuries seen to and documented.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2013 10:46

I am so sorry Jo. Ask for as much help as possible from the refuge staff in talking to the children. You have done a Good thing....shown them that violent people do not deserve to be part of family life

Lweji · 05/09/2013 10:56

Glad to know you are safe.

Sad for what he did to you. :(

There is nothing you could have said that could ever have provoked such an attack.
Bar trying to kill him, there's nothing you could have done to provoke it either.

Do be careful when picking up the children from school.

Have your phone with you and call the police if he's around.

Your children will be ok, because you have left. Try to give some normality to their lives, but be available to talk about what happened. Answer all questions truthfully without trying to avoid the matter.

Wishing you a much happier life, although he may well be making it difficult at first.

PottedPlant · 05/09/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KoalaFace · 05/09/2013 11:10

Oh Jobean we're all here to offer support. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Don't blame yourself, keep focusing the blame on the right person - the abusive, violent excuse for a human.

Your children will be okay with you giving them love and support in how they are feeling.

VoiceOfRaisin · 05/09/2013 11:39

I am so sorry this happened to you. You MUST get proper legal advice but I am certain that the DC won't be living with their father after his performance, whether or not he has been the main carer until now. on that basis, you should be able to retain the family home at least until the DC finish their education. Get this confirmed to put your mind at rest. Assets are split first according to NEED, and you need a family home to house you and your DC.

Your DS is 10 and witnessed a brutal assault. Has he spoken about it? Can he talk to anyone in RL to share what he is going through? I agree about sharing with the school, and telling them not to allow the DC to be picked up by their father for the "dentist" or anything else.

I am so glad you are in a refuge as I am sure they will help you access the advice you need. I wish you strength.

cloudskitchen · 05/09/2013 11:52

oh my goodness. I have just read your thread right through. I hope you are ok and your dc to. Time to concentrate on yourselves. what an awful thing for dcs to see. You have given them the best example possible by getting out of there x

Inertia · 05/09/2013 20:04

Oh Jo I'm so sorry it has come to this- thank goodness you are safe now.

Please make sure that you see a doctor to get your injuries checked out, and please please go to the police if you haven't already.

If you don't get all of these incidents logged with the police, there is a much bigger danger that this man will get unsupervised access to your children- who, as you've said, are traumatised by what they've witnessed (not meant as scary or blame-laying btw, but a man that vicious clearly cannot be trusted; he will lie about what he's done, and tell the world that you are crazy and turning his children against him. You have the evidence for what he's done, but it needs to be properly recorded).

Agree with previous posters- you do need to explain to the school what's happened. I would make an urgent appointment with the Child Protection Officer or Headteacher to explain what's happened. They should set immediate measures in place so that your children cannot be collected by their father, and they should be able to arrange some kind of counselling. You probably need to make sure that the police have taken any statements they need first.

I'm so sorry. Take care.

BitBewildered · 05/09/2013 21:20

I'm so sorry too. What an awful time you've had. I think the posters above have all the practical advice I would have offered you covered, so I'll just give you Brew and Cake and ((hugs)).

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2013 22:06

There is lots of help out there. For instance, it is quite likely that you would be able to get him forcibly removed from the house and barred from returning, so that you and DC can go home and carry on living there - though if you would prefer to make a new start in a new home, that is up to you. Best of luck. You're free of him and things can only get better.

PrincessYoni · 05/09/2013 22:52

How horrendous for you. You've done the right thing. Your poor DCs too Sad. Be brave, tell them that yes he did a horrid thing but it won't happen again and they should not live in fear because you have been brave and removed them and you from the situation. You are doing very well. Now, get the police. You have 2 little witnesses. Good luck xx

SoThisIsHowYouNameChange · 06/09/2013 07:25

You are in my thoughts today, op.

BitBewildered · 06/09/2013 07:31

How are you doing, OP? I hope you're safe and have got some rl support.

cloudskitchen · 06/09/2013 09:05

How are you are dc doing jobean?

internationallove985 · 06/09/2013 14:02

Hi O.P so sorry for your experience. Please report him. You don't need me to tell you that was abuse.
Also you say you have been ashamed to tell anyone it's very easy to pretend in R.L that all is well but please do not feel inferior for asking for support it takes great strength and courage to say I need help. x