My ex keeps coming on to me- Should I tell new dp?

[oreoaddict]

Ok, so quick back story.....

I was with my ex (dd's dad) for nearly 10 years. Over a year a go, I was struggling with my sexuality, realised I was bi sexual and I met a woman who I fell in love with. Me and my ex broke up before we got physical, as I'm not the type to cheat. We would have broken up anyway, as we're just not right for one another and actually, looking back, he was very aggressive, moody and some might say, an emotional abuser. Actually, towards the end, it was physical a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he man handled me a lot and at one point, had me up against the wall. So basically, not the nicest guy in the world.

I've been with my gf for nearly a year and we're very much in love, committed and very serious about one another. My ex knows this. Obviously I have to keep things amicable for the sake of dd, who is 6. We live close and so he sees her a lot. 3 or 4 times a week actually, but usually just for an hour or so after he's finished work. He's in a new relationship, but I know he's only using her. I am glad he's found somebody because he was desperately unhappy in the beginning when we first broke up. However, like I said, he's just using her and I can't see it lasting.

I know he wants me back and in the beginning, he used to try and kiss me and would cuddle me, just that little bit too long. Made me feel very uncomfortable and even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I almost felt guilty. Does that make sense?...

Anyway, that kind of stopped for a few months, but recently, whenever my gf isn't here, he'll come on to me and I've been getting really angry with him. Today was the worst. I was looking under the stairs for dd's book bag for school and he just pinched my ass! I told him to stop doing that and he laughed and told me that I love it really and he just can't help himself. He even kept doing it after that! He always says really inappropriate things to me about missing cock etc and like I said before, it makes me feel guilty. Like I'm hiding something, which I am. I told her once, when he tried to kiss me, but that was because I was so upset about it and I really couldn't keep it to myself, but the other times have been less obvious, but it's pretty constant now. I've told him to stop it, but he just seems to find it funny.

My dd actually heard me tell him to get off me today and I have a feeling she'll be saying something to gf as they're very close now.

So, should I tell her? I don't want to upset her 'unnecessarily'. I would never cheat on her. I couldn't, but I know how I'd feel if it were the other way around. So if I know I'm never going to do anything, is it worth hurting her? It just feels so wrong keeping it from her, like it's a secret between me and him and I think that's what he's trying to do.

Advice really appreciated.

Thanks

I do think you need to beware your ex. Your consent seems unimportant to him. What if one day he doesn't stop? Could you have someone else present at handovers, not let him in if he's early etc? In some way re-set the relationship so he can't casually assume this intimacy? I would suggest moving to fixed contact times, too.

Good luck with telling your partner. She does need to know. I know things become more real, often in a slightly scary way, when you tell people about them, but take all the support and ideas you can get, which she will surely be happy to give.

Eldritch, there have actually been times when we were together when he didn't stop, but I honestly was just so used to it and at one stage, I genuinely thought that I should just give in. I didn't feel like I had been raped, but I was left feeling used and often quite tearful.

You were. :(

I am worried too about what he might do.

Will you let him in if he shows up hours earlier and your DD is not home, for him to wait for her? Or he just shows up to "talk to you"?
He may well be testing the waters now.

I cannot stress enough that you really should be preventing him from entering your house, even coming close to you, or even letting him talk to you.
That you should tell him (in writing - text or email) now that you will call the police if he doesn't respect these boundaries.
For your sake, as well as of your DD.

You can make it simple.

Oh heavens, OP, that's truly awful. I am so sorry. The more I read, the more I think you should avoid being alone with him, including when you tell him (I do hope you will) that because of his behaviour the rules have changed re contact and handovers.

Well he's seeing her on sunday and dp will be there at the handover and at the weekends, when he has her for a whole day, I don't really see him and he certainly wouldn't try anything when dp was around anyway.

Originally when we first broke up, I think we were just trying to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of dd and so, because he still lives and works close, we just assumed he could pop in with a bit of warning obviously, several times in the week too.

That's honestly not how I felt at the time. I think I just got so used to that used, empty feeling, that I kind of just went into shut down mode iyswim. There was never any force involved, but I can see now that it wasn't right.

Feeling quite emotional now. Things seem different. Dp's going to be here in a minute. Need to sort myself out.

Stability for DD is important but it doesn't mean things will be as they've always been regarding ex behaving as he pleases. Un-learning a sort of self protect mode of "go numb, tune out" must take time. Back then you may have felt stuck or powerless. You're not now.

oreo how did the talk go with your dp? Hope you're feeling better for doing it. Please don't keep trying to deal with this all by yourself. I'm sure that's a major part of who you are, but your ex knows this and is using it as a way of control. The only way to break situations like this is to break the pattern so to speak. Hope your dp was supportive (I'm sure she was) and try to figure out how to deal with him together.

Just a quick one, cos I'm about to pop out, but I'll finish off later.

I told her this morning. She said beforehand that she knew something was up. I wouldn't say she took it well, but yeah, she's being supportive. However, she does want to "rip his balls off", so I don't think she's going to be over the moon to see him next, which should have been sunday. Think I'll keep them apart for a while.

She's been a bit distant this morning, but insists she's not annoyed with me for not telling her sooner. She's very upset, but I guess it was inevitable. She said for the sake of dd, she won't confront him, but I think she's going to find it very hard.

Her anger is understandable oreo, if that was happening to my dp I'd be fricking livid. And I'd also want to rip the guys balls off. Actually I want to do it too and I don't even know you . Don't taker her upset and anger personally, it hurts when your partner is being treated badly.

Is keeping them apart the best thing? Showing a united, calm front to your ex might be better. And safer for you.

In her place, I'd be very concerned about your safety, and would be questioning myself why you don't put a stop to contact with him.

He doesn't need to ever be in your house.
It's an easy boundary to set and keep.
You just explain to your DD that you are separated and don't want to confuse things, so she must see her dad away from home.
Most children go out to the other parent. It's not a big deal.

And it's a conversation both of you could have with him, so he knows she's on the loop, although you should be the one telling him about the boundaries.

Being nice is not necessarily the best thing all the time, particularly with nasty abusers.
IME, only being strong and firm works.

Aside of all the more complicated parts of your situation. In my experience, when a couple splits up but tries to keep going with very frequent, informal contact where kids are concerned, it can work for a bit and sometimes eases the pain of an immediate split (if you have two sensible grown ups) but in the longer term it rarely works well. It's actually more confusing for kids to have parents who are not together, but still play at being happy families, and once you get new partners in the mix it can be a confusing muddle all round. I'd avoid contact between your DD and her Dad in your home, it's invading your space.
BTW your ex sounds like a knob and I think you're well rid of him.

Thanks for all your messages everyone.

Well she got a little angry with me at lunch because she says she doesn't understand why I'm not more angry. She insisted that her anger wasn't directed at me, it was just she's struggling to come to terms with what's been happening. She's normally quite a placid person, but she's just furious!

She says she trusts me completely, it's just that she hates to think that I've been putting up with this on my own.

She's definitely concerned for my safety. I'm trying to reassure her. I will definitely be keeping contact with him to a minimum. Just want to do the right thing, for everyone.

Just want to do the right thing, for everyone.

See, that's where the problem is. You have to chose who you will do the right thing for.
Your DD (but not at the expense of your self respect, physical and emotional integrity)
Yourself
Your partner

Not the bastard.

If you haven't already done so, you should really consider counselling. Although you have finally recognised his behaviour as abusive your need to "just want to do the right thing, for everyone" has prolonged you and your daughters exposure to his assaults and the only beneficiary of this mindset is the man who assaulted you.

As loving and understanding as your partner is, it is very hard to sit back and watch someone you love being abused, especially when they are not that proactive in its prevention. He has assaulted you in your own home, he should never darken your door again.

What you did, or didn't do, aren't the reasons behind this mans appalling behaviour, your responsibility begins and ends with how much of his appalling behaviour you expose yourself to.

Well that was an 'interesting' weekend........

Dp spent a fair amount of it in tears. It was horrible. I think it was because she was so angry that she couldn't do anything about it, so it was a sort of release. I don't mean that I'm going to allow this to continue, I just mean that she would want to confront him about it, but understands that it's not the best thing to do. Well, I don't believe it is anyway......maybe I'm wrong.

When she saw him briefly at pick up and drop off time, I could almost see her blood boiling. She did very well to control it.

Ok so it's not been going well

I told ex over the phone that I'd had enough and it had to stop. He said that it was fine, he won't do it anymore and he was hoping that we'd get back together, so I told him that no, that wasn't going to happen.

Now, I wasn't naïve enough to think that that would be that, but I did think that it would help. However, yesterday he came in for not even 2 minutes and he did it again! I was making dinner and he commented on my new jeans, saying they suited me. He tapped my bum and said that if he could, he'd "smash the life out of it" and was I really really sure I wasn't interested in a "sneaky bit of cock anymore". DD was in the next room, so I told him (not quite as firmly as I would have liked to) to get out. He laughed and I said I meant it. He left and since then I've received lots of "what's the problem?...." messages, which I've completely ignored. DD was confused because she obviously didn't understand why he just disappeared and so I let her ring him and have a chat with him over the phone. I didn't talk to him, but he's seeing her today instead. I texted him to insist that he takes her out and until he stops groping me, that's how it will stay. I got a very short, blunt reply of "fine, whatever".

My gf asked me last night over the phone if he'd tried anything else and I really didn't want to tell her over the phone, but obviously I had to. I can't lie to her. You can imagine her fury!

Sorry, just had to vent. Feeling so upset. Been crying most of the morning cos I feel like he's out to destroy me.

I'm really sorry to hear it hasn't stopped. But actually, you've done bloody well-told him straight, and reinforced that by getting him to leave, then ignoring the texts.

Next time he comes for DD, try and just do it at the door: have her ready, don't let him in, when he drops her back, shut the door on him if necessary. Has he got a key to your place? Change the locks if he has.

it is really hard to stop smeone coming in at the door when handing over but do it you must. is there a drive way or stairs or pavement slightly away rom door even two metres to hand over? dd is old enough.

when he rings bell, dont open.

get dd shoes on etc bag ready and only open door when she ready to go - open and go out with her, your keys in your hand then shut door behind you. wave good bye then go back in.
make it clear the boundary is at the door.
(having problem with my ex at the moment he tries to barge in...)

your dd seems v savvy and aware so you can explain why in simple terms - you dont like him pinching your bottom so that is why you wont let him in your house. this teaches her about boundary setting too.

dont discuss this any more by text, only talk about what time is he comcng to pick up dd.

the more you engage in discssions about whether or not you are getting abck together the more he takes it as a way in... the fact you thinking about it enough to say "no" makes him think and realise yes you have considered it - it is enough in his head...

you have said no. you dont need to repeat it. and what he is doin with his gf is none of your business really, dont give it ehad space...unless it impacting on your dd...

FGS!

Keep this man out of your house and be very firm about it.

Eldritch, thank you, but I don't really feel like I've done well. I just want it to stop, so I feel like I've failed in my approach.

I honestly thought I'd been very firm. I'm not someone who takes any shit and even though I was with him being emotionally(mainly) abused for nearly 10 years, I certainly was never considered a walk over or weak or anything. Of course I'm not suggesting that only weak people can be victims of abuse. Absolutely not. I'm just saying that I look back and although I still have certain confidence issues, I can't believe I put up with this for so long. Sorry, I know I'm repeating myself.

As all this goes on, things which obviously were pushed to the back of my mind, are coming to the front. More and more, every day. It's so disturbing how I almost trained myself to believe that all men were like this and all women, behind closed doors, were being treated the same way.

I feel like I really need to get it all out, but I'm scared to.

Sorry, thanks for your suggestions cest and lweji.

And if he tries to barge in, do call the police. (give him one warning)

hes doing this because youre enabling it tbh. If I was your girlfriend id be pissed off that you were being so damn unassertive. Why on earth are you letting him over your front door?? You owe him nothing. Dont let him in.

Hes obviously a complete bastard, and hes in the wrong, but the only thing YOU can change, is how you deal with it. Stop being a drip and stand up for yourself

What a slimeball. Sounds like you're getting better at establishing boundaries, but really, you must do as cestlavie says and do the handover at the door. There is absolutely no reason for him to come in.