My ex keeps coming on to me- Should I tell new dp?

[oreoaddict]

Ok, so quick back story.....

I was with my ex (dd's dad) for nearly 10 years. Over a year a go, I was struggling with my sexuality, realised I was bi sexual and I met a woman who I fell in love with. Me and my ex broke up before we got physical, as I'm not the type to cheat. We would have broken up anyway, as we're just not right for one another and actually, looking back, he was very aggressive, moody and some might say, an emotional abuser. Actually, towards the end, it was physical a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he man handled me a lot and at one point, had me up against the wall. So basically, not the nicest guy in the world.

I've been with my gf for nearly a year and we're very much in love, committed and very serious about one another. My ex knows this. Obviously I have to keep things amicable for the sake of dd, who is 6. We live close and so he sees her a lot. 3 or 4 times a week actually, but usually just for an hour or so after he's finished work. He's in a new relationship, but I know he's only using her. I am glad he's found somebody because he was desperately unhappy in the beginning when we first broke up. However, like I said, he's just using her and I can't see it lasting.

I know he wants me back and in the beginning, he used to try and kiss me and would cuddle me, just that little bit too long. Made me feel very uncomfortable and even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I almost felt guilty. Does that make sense?...

Anyway, that kind of stopped for a few months, but recently, whenever my gf isn't here, he'll come on to me and I've been getting really angry with him. Today was the worst. I was looking under the stairs for dd's book bag for school and he just pinched my ass! I told him to stop doing that and he laughed and told me that I love it really and he just can't help himself. He even kept doing it after that! He always says really inappropriate things to me about missing cock etc and like I said before, it makes me feel guilty. Like I'm hiding something, which I am. I told her once, when he tried to kiss me, but that was because I was so upset about it and I really couldn't keep it to myself, but the other times have been less obvious, but it's pretty constant now. I've told him to stop it, but he just seems to find it funny.

My dd actually heard me tell him to get off me today and I have a feeling she'll be saying something to gf as they're very close now.

So, should I tell her? I don't want to upset her 'unnecessarily'. I would never cheat on her. I couldn't, but I know how I'd feel if it were the other way around. So if I know I'm never going to do anything, is it worth hurting her? It just feels so wrong keeping it from her, like it's a secret between me and him and I think that's what he's trying to do.

Advice really appreciated.

Thanks

Agreeing with others.

You should not be limiting contact. You should be stopping this man from entering your home or even coming anywhere near you.
Your DD is 6, she can walk to the door.

If he lives nearby, he can have her at his place, or take her elsewhere.
He does not need to be in your home at all, or anywhere near you.

Do tell him that the next time he touches you or sends sex related messages, you will report him to the police.

Tell him through a text or e-mail, so that it's in writing and you have evidence that there is an issue and he has been warned.
Keep all messages and texts from him in case you need to support your case.

Do tell your gf. I'm sure she'll be shocked and will support you.

Never mind amicable. Amicable will happen when he respects you.

Dahlen, no I know she's an adult. I know she could cope and deep down, I knew that this was something I was going to need to talk to her about, I'm not sure where to start though.

lweji, I don't think he'll ever respect me. He's never respect anybody. He always told me to shut up and would shout at me most days. He didn't really see it as a problem though. He just thought of it as part of any relationship, which of course is bollocks! I see that now, but I was starting to believe that I didn't deserve any more.

Regarding my dd, it's very complicated. She has certain issues. Mainly social and emotional and it's imperative that me and her dad aren't at each others throats. She's been much happier in recent months and much more settled and I don't want to rock the boat. If I have a middleman handover thing going on, she'll pick up on it and it will really upset her. I guess I very naively thought I could protect her and my dp and handle it myself. When he's angry with me, he's a rubbish dad and so that's another reason I suppose that I've been putting up with much more than I should. I'm used to trying to keep him happy, in order to keep dd happy. If he's having a bad day, he'll shout at her and his fuse is non existent. I know it's not my job to keep him happy anymore, but obviously I still have the overwhelming instinct to protect my daughter.

oreoadict - I know it's tough. I feel for you. I think with your DP it will be easier than you think. She loves you and will want to help, so will probably be angry and upset on your behalf but very understanding and supportive. All you need to do is start with: "You know I've told you before about XH and his unwanted advances? Well, he's not stopped doing it and it's been getting a lot worse. I was hoping I'd dealt with it, but it seems to be escalating so I need to talk to you about it." The conversation will then take on a momentum of its own. Good luck.

I hope I don't upset you with this, but I think you really need to reconsider your X's role in your DD's life. If the positivity of his relationship with her is dependant on you policing it and managing him, it's not really a relationship at all. In fact it's something that has the potential to be very toxic to her unless you are able to put in safety checks that act independently of you. Your DD really doesn't need to grow up having a relationship with a father who thinks nothing of treating women as second-class citizens who have no rights over their own bodily autonomy. It could damage her perception of male/female relationships and her ability to view any kind of assault (whether physical, verbal or sexual) as wrong.

I really don't mean to alarm you or upset you. You are obviously trying very hard to be the bigger person here, putting everyone before yourself, especially your child. You sound like a good mum and a loving partner. Please don't let your X undermine that. If he's a rubbish dad, let him be one. That is actually far less damaging than picking up the slack for him and allowing your DD to have completely unrealistic expectations of him that will ultimately be cruelly dashed in a way far more catastrophic than if she's just grown up expecting very little of him.

Best of luck with it all.

Dahlen, thank you. I know I need to stay strong. I get what you're saying about letting him fall on his own sword. It's exhausting feeling like I have to create this better version of him, in order to protect her. Looking back and actually, reading what I wrote is making me realise that I've been doing the complete opposite.

However, I do actually remember saying to him when we were together(towards the end) that one day dd will grow up and she will see him for who he really is and it will be her choice whether or not she sees him. The older she gets, the more I see that her vision of him is changing. Being the 'fun dad' who throws her up in the air and buys her loads of junk food on a sunday, isn't now enough, not that it ever was. She says to me a lot now that she doesn't want to go out with him, because he shouts at her and he doesn't understand her. I know he loves her, but I don't believe that love alone is enough.

I just got another text saying "have I said something wrong?!" I feel like I'm going mad!

Tell him you have DD to consider otherwise you'd not be seeing him. From now on he waits in the car or on the doorstep. A challenge, a ex with a lot of history who cares He can't imagine he be at liberty to pester you. You don't owe him a grope or sneaky feel for anything that's happened in the past year. If he was always all hands back in the past he needs to realise those days are gone and learn some manners.

Hurting gf by not sharing this with her is more likely than injuring her feelings by being honest. She knows he's your ex not some random. For that matter his current gf may be around a long time she will take a dim view of his antics and if you don't deter him he may end up spreading the rumour you want him back and are trying it on with him.

Tell DP your ex has been harassing you and overstepping boundaries. You are imposing restrictions and it might be muddling for DD so you are mentioning it to gf now so she is in the picture.It is up to her how she reacts but I would hope you talk it over.

Honestly, it may do your DD a world of good if she doesn't see you together and how he acts with you.

It's quite possible that seeing how assertive you are with him, ie rejecting him, that it will be healthier for her.

And if you are at all concerned about how he treats her, you can raise your concerns to the relevant authority and push for supervised contact.

Donkey, I know I don't owe him any of these things. It makes me shudder every time it happens and when I see it written down, it makes me feel so weak and pathetic. If anybody else was telling me this was happening to them, I'd just say don't accept it and it shouldn't have happened more than once etc. I guess when it's actually happening to you, it's a little different.

I'm not seeing dp until Friday night. We speak every day, but I really don't want it to come out over the phone. I try to be up when I speak to her, but the fact is, I'm miserable right now. If she asks me if I'm ok and I say yes, I'm lying. I want to be honest with her, but I really need to wait until I see her. So nervous.

I feel so angry on your behalf.

You are in no way responsible for his behaviour, but I think you can help to stop it. If he tries it again, don't just bat his hand away, grab his wrist and bellow "NO" into his face. Then explain to him that he does not have permission to touch you and it is assault and if he carries on you will report it.

I don't think you should worry about your dp.
If she reacts badly (apart from wanting to kick his sorry arse) she's not worthy of you.

On the other hand, I think you need to tell her what you are going to do about it. Preferably keeping him outside, letting him know that anything else will be reported to the police and that you will go to the police if he oversteps your boundaries.

If you go to the police he won't be locked up for life. He probably won't even be locked up. But, he will know you have clear boundaries that he should not cross.
And every time he steps on them, he'll be taking one step further towards proper jail.
It will be his choice, and whatever happens, it will be his responsibility.

I would suggest you don't respond to any texts that don't directly concern your DD and that you do the handover on the doorstep. You can keep the smile on for your DD's sake, but make sure she's ready in advance and when she comes back send her straight off to do something/check something and keep him outside. If he asks when you're face to face, tell him that until he can behave appropriately he can't be in the house.

Third party hand overs might be unsuitable with your DD but there's nothing to say you can't have a third party in the house during them.

Also, you don't have to wait for it to happen again.

Tell him now that his behaviour is not acceptable and enforce your boundaries now.
He's clearly not respected you so far. He won't until you have put space and the police (even as a threat for now) between you and him.

And don't get down on yourself about it. You haven't done anything wrong. You have been with someone who was emotionally abusive and wore down your boundaries. You can start to rebuild them. No one has the right to touch you when you've told them to stop. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Your DP should be supportive.

"Mainly social and emotional and it's imperative that me and her dad aren't at each others throats. "

He is using this to control and abuse you. He is in essence blackmailing you to cope with his behaviour over your dds issues.

As you are discovering, your dd is not really enjoying her time with him, so why have him in your and her home and comfort zone so much?

I agree you should speak to somebody about this.
Dont engage with him on text.

euro, I have actually done that before(wrist grabbing) but again, he just laughed. Just remembered how much I just to push him away when we were together. We'd be in bed and I'd wake up I the morning with his hands all over me and I'd tell him to get off, but he just wouldn't stop. I never felt threatened, in that way anyway, but looking back, his reactions to my rejections is actually sickening. At one point I actually ended up in tears, out of pure frustration and he backed off then and said he didn't realise, which must have been bullshit, because how many times do you need to tell somebody to stop touching you, before they know you're being deadly serious?

Morphy, thank you. I try not to beat myself up about it, but I naturally assume that things must be my fault.

Quint, I agree. That's exactly what he's doing. It's wicked.

I'm pretty sure he knows you're serious, and he's getting off on the fact that he's upsetting you. You know that too. I'm sorry, he's a vile rapey shit

Could you try to talk to someone about this? Your DP, a close friend?

Scrambled, there's only one of my friends who I'd feel comfortable talking to about this, but then, I'd say she's got a lot of her own problems with her current partner, so not sure if I should burden her with mine too. She knows my ex quite well, but her dp is quite good friends with him and they work together sometimes. I spoke to her a lot about him when we were still together, so she knows how he can be.

Great! He's just turned up. Will report back.

Really, it sounds like you and your dp have a good relationship- talk to her, she can support you in a way that we on the internet can't.
Regarding what your ex is doing, I think if your dd has social and emotional issues, then preventing her from seeing casual assault as the norm is imperative. In fact it's imperative that we all raise our DDS to reject casual assault. It's not okay what he's doing. If you say nothing now to avoid confrontation, then when it happens to your dd as a teen/young adult she may ignore it to avoid confrontation.

Find a way to stop it.

If you put up with his abuse in front of your DD you give her the impression that it's something to put up with, and she'll feel less validated to stand up for herself in future relationships.

If you make your ex keep his distance (outside handovers only, and no contact, bar via text or email) you are showing your DD that's how you treat people who abuse you.

Which do you prefer?

Tell her!

Actually dd has never seen me just ignore or put up with it. I've always said it was wrong when he shouted at me. The problem in the end, among many others, was that she was witnessing much more than she should. Lots of arguing and I'm sure she could sense my resentment. I genuinely thought I could stay with him for the sake of her, but then you stand back and really see how things are and I realised I was being incredibly foolish.

Team, I intend to. Just want to get it out the way now, but as I said upthread, I'm very nervous.

have read the thread and don't understand why you wouldn't tell your gf, your ex gropes you ,sends you texts, your daughter sees this, and therefore will think that's a good way for people to behave?

I am telling her. I guess I just wanted to make sure I would be doing the right thing. I know some people might say, what's the point, you'll only hurt her etc. But then I guess that would only be if it were a one off and the inappropriate behaviour had stopped.

Yes, she sees you say no, but you keep allowing him in and being friendly with him, despite what he keeps doing.

She'll think it's ok to be with people you keep saying no to abusive behaviour.
Show her how to properly get rid of it.

Op ? I?m wondering if there is more to this which is fuelling your anxieties over telling your dp?

Ultimately there are two different issues here really. If you?re not happy with your ex?s attempts to come on to you then you just need to tell him to stop it and make some kind of arrangement that means you are not together in a confined space any more. But while we obviously don?t know the history of your relationship, it is possible that some of his comments e.g. about you ?missing dick,? are essentially him lashing out because he?s hurt. At the end of the day, you left him for another woman. It doesn?t matter that there wasn?t anything physical ? you were emotionally involved with someone else which prompted you to end your relationship with him. An emotional affair is no less an affair than a physical one, and if you were a man having done the same you would have had a vastly different response on here.

The rejection over being left for another man (or woman if you are the woman being left) is devastating. I imagine the rejection felt over being left for someone of the same sex is a double devastation because it would leave you questioning your whole relationship and whether the whole thing was in fact a lie. So while I do understand that the relationship was already in difficulty and he had his faults, and that your affair was a symptom of your split rather than the ultimate cause, I do think that he does deserve some understanding for the way in which you ultimately ended the relationship ? two wrongs don?t make a right.

Wrt your dp, you have stated that you are very much in love, have stated how close your dd and her are etc, is that true or are there perhaps some insecurities on your dp?s part? I can imagine that being the first time lover of someone who has just left a heterosexual relationship for you brings with it its own insecurities and difficulties especially if that person only started to question their sexuality at the same time as falling in love with you iyswim. Added to the issues that do come with having been the ow to then becoming your lover is it possible that your dp has some worries that A, you might still be doubting your sexuality and B, that you might go back to your xp hence your reluctance to tell her? This is clearly a very complex situation and not as simple as woman leaves man and ends up in relationship with another man ? it?s far more complicated than that and as such are likely to have added complications iyswim.

Any relationship has to be built on trust and transparency. If there are any doubts, then withholding this kind of information will only erode that trust in the long-term.