My ex keeps coming on to me- Should I tell new dp?

[oreoaddict]

Ok, so quick back story.....

I was with my ex (dd's dad) for nearly 10 years. Over a year a go, I was struggling with my sexuality, realised I was bi sexual and I met a woman who I fell in love with. Me and my ex broke up before we got physical, as I'm not the type to cheat. We would have broken up anyway, as we're just not right for one another and actually, looking back, he was very aggressive, moody and some might say, an emotional abuser. Actually, towards the end, it was physical a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he man handled me a lot and at one point, had me up against the wall. So basically, not the nicest guy in the world.

I've been with my gf for nearly a year and we're very much in love, committed and very serious about one another. My ex knows this. Obviously I have to keep things amicable for the sake of dd, who is 6. We live close and so he sees her a lot. 3 or 4 times a week actually, but usually just for an hour or so after he's finished work. He's in a new relationship, but I know he's only using her. I am glad he's found somebody because he was desperately unhappy in the beginning when we first broke up. However, like I said, he's just using her and I can't see it lasting.

I know he wants me back and in the beginning, he used to try and kiss me and would cuddle me, just that little bit too long. Made me feel very uncomfortable and even though I hadn't done anything wrong, I almost felt guilty. Does that make sense?...

Anyway, that kind of stopped for a few months, but recently, whenever my gf isn't here, he'll come on to me and I've been getting really angry with him. Today was the worst. I was looking under the stairs for dd's book bag for school and he just pinched my ass! I told him to stop doing that and he laughed and told me that I love it really and he just can't help himself. He even kept doing it after that! He always says really inappropriate things to me about missing cock etc and like I said before, it makes me feel guilty. Like I'm hiding something, which I am. I told her once, when he tried to kiss me, but that was because I was so upset about it and I really couldn't keep it to myself, but the other times have been less obvious, but it's pretty constant now. I've told him to stop it, but he just seems to find it funny.

My dd actually heard me tell him to get off me today and I have a feeling she'll be saying something to gf as they're very close now.

So, should I tell her? I don't want to upset her 'unnecessarily'. I would never cheat on her. I couldn't, but I know how I'd feel if it were the other way around. So if I know I'm never going to do anything, is it worth hurting her? It just feels so wrong keeping it from her, like it's a secret between me and him and I think that's what he's trying to do.

Advice really appreciated.

Thanks

By "deserves some understanding", wannabe , I take it you don't mean "should be allowed to assault the OP if it amuses him"?

He does not have the right to sexually assault her because she left him for another woman. He doesn't deserve understanding or sympathy for this

wannabe, you've made some good points and yes, you're right when you say it's a very complex situation. However, I never said whether or not I had shown my ex any understanding or sympathy. The truth is, I have and still feel bad for him sometimes, but that has nothing to do with what he's doing to me. Nothing. He was doing this to me before we split up. He didn't just have a few "faults", he was abusive and nasty a lot of the time. I can't be sympathising with that kind of behaviour, surely.

and what do you mean "two wrongs don't make a right"?

Are you saying that me becoming interested in someone else, respecting my ex enough not to act on it before we split up, is the same as being emotionally and sometimes physically abused for nearly 10 years? Is that what you mean by two wrongs don't make a right?......

oreo I would not be taking this lightly, his assumption that he can continue to touch you when you ask him not to and, more worryingly, his assertion that you "miss cock" are massive red flags.

Some of my gay friends tell stories of people trying to "prove they're not gay" by sexually assaulting them and that is what your ex is starting to do, even if only in small measures at the moment.

oreo I hope you make it to the weekend with your nerves and emotions in one piece. Holding on to something like this until the 'right' time is very hard.

I think wannabe makes some good points about the possible causes of insecurity in your current relationship but I am more concerned by what to me seems an over willingness to assume responsibility for other people's behaviour. Your DP has no justifiable reason to be angry with you or even just hurt by the fact that you have been assaulted. To me that suggests you have internalised far too well the lesson that you 'asked for it' when you've been mistreated. Not at all surprising if you had a long term relationship with your X if his behaviour now is typical of what you experienced when you were together.

When you talk to your DP about this, please focus on the fact that you are the victim here and entitled to ask for support from your partner. It is not your role to defend yourself and spare her feelings and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to.

Callani well it's actually not just my ex who comes out with those sort of comments. I had some preppy creep run his hand up my skirt one night when I was out with my gf and we dared to share a kiss. He leant over and asked what I was looking for and so I told him I wasn't and he didn't believe me and asked if we were interested in a threesome. When his hand disappeared up my skirt, he got my drink on his head(lucky he didn't get the glass too) and I got the fucker chucked out. Unfortunately though, that wasn't a one off. I think some blokes think we're some kind of man trap or something. 2 sexually frustrated women, who will just have to make do with one another until a man comes to rescue us and do the job 'properly'.

I guess because I've known my ex for 10 years and I'm kind of used to his behaviour, I hadn't really viewed it as the same, but the more I think about it, the more uncomfortable and actually more scared I become.

Your ex is using the fact that he knows you well enough to know you won't actually do anything but tell him no.

He's right isn't he? you protest and say you won't stand for it but are trapped in this loop of never effectively addressing it.

You need to tread carefully here because you are making it into a big dirty secret, which grows every time he does something you don't address.
This type of behaviour is totally dependant on the victim not telling anyone else.

Whether its because they think its their problem to deal with or that others might not believe them. The only way to take that power away from him is to do exactly what he knows is the last thing you want to do, shine a big searchlight on him and his actions by telling as many people as you can.

The more you collude with him via your silence, even though its for different reasons, the more you play into his hands, and the easier it will be unfortunately for the worst case scenario of his version of events that you welcome his advances to be believed. It is a sad fact of society that although this is a well established pattern of abusive behaviour people inevitably blame the victim the longer it goes on. Put an end to that cycle now.

You cannot deal with this on your own, no amount of limiting your contact with him will make him get the message. He may believe the misogynistic view that he can cure you, or see it as a challenge to get you to submit to his wishes. You need to help yourself by involving others and let them be a barrier to him. Your daughter would get used to this transition even with the problems you allude to with plenty of preparation beforehand. We can't stop our children's worlds from changing but we can prepare them as much as possible so that they are more able to adapt to that change.

All you are doing is keeping yourself and your family safe, it is his actions which are causing the disruption.

let me clarify the people more likely to believe him the longer it goes on. Yes it happens and yes its only the ignorant and idiots who do it, however the fear of that outcome grows in your own mind as it continues. Each day you will subconsciously add another person to the list of those who would judge and disbelieve depending on what new stunt he pulls each time. Its a pressure you needn't carry and will only serve to isolate you further and more successfully than his actions alone ever could.

I can't repeat this enough - people rarely change without an incentive to do so. Your bell-end of an ex isn't getting one he recognises as such. Your wrist-grabbing and scolding amuses him because he knows they're empty threats. Past time you went to the next level. Next time he pinches your ass, laughs and claims you like it tell him, "Yeah, I like it so much that if you do it again I'll have you charged with sexual assault/get a restraining order." And MEAN IT!

I remain somewhat baffled by your reluctance to tell your DP. Your (anyone's) partner should be the one person you share everything with. I struggle with your notion that she'll be hurt. More likely she'll be angered by his behavior. That said, the longer you leave it the more likely you'll have to answer, "Why didn't you tell me? Don't you trust me?" And she'd have a point.

Finally, what should concern you most - you've mentioned how DD is seeing stuff you'd rather she didn't but have you thought about the future potential of that? A few years from now she could suffer the misfortune of an abusive partner and if she tolerates the abuse rather than pro-actively taking steps to prevent it she'll be following your example.

All credit to you, you've tried being reasonable but it hasn't worked. The one person you can change is YOU and, right now, you need to be more assertive.

Nobody said the op deserved to be sexually asalted, don?t be so ridiculous. I said at the very beginning of my post that the op needs to lay down the law with regard to her ex and stop it from happening.

My reference to understanding was in relation to comments the op?s ex had made wrt her wanting ?dick? which, while fairly horrible, could well be a reaction to the fact the op left him for another woman, something which would undoubtedly have been difficult for him to deal with.

As I said there are two issues. The ex shouldn?t be coming near the op in order to sexually asalt her. But every time the op lets him into her house, says that she can?t upset her dd by changing the arrangements etc she is enabling this behaviour since the man clearly won?t take no for an answer.

To be blunt ? in the past year the dd has had to contend with her mummy and daddy splitting up, and her mummy forming a relationship with another woman ? a change in the access location is nothing compared to that. Stop enabling this man and making excuses why you can?t do something about not letting him into your house ? it really is that simple.

As for not telling your dp, you need to ask yourself why you don?t want to do that, and I would question whether you really are sure about your sexuality and whether you are in fact having doubts hence why the reluctance. It?s a big enough thing to leave a relationship and end up with someone else within a year, it?s quite another to decide you?re gay, leave a heterosexual relationship and suddenly find yourself ?deeply in love? with another woman when you never have been previously, and it wouldn?t be beyond the realms to question whether that really is how you feel.

wannaBe, I'm not making excuses and actually, it isn't that simple. Non of this is simple. I feel so much pressure to do the right thing for my dd, my dp and I am way down the line. In face, I don't really think about me at all, which is probably why I've been trying to brush this under the carpet. I felt like I could take this on and stop this in a civilised way, but of course as things develop, I'm realising that that's obviously not going to happen. This is why I have started looking for help. I'm not just going to continue taking it and I am going to be talking to my dp about it. All I wanted was some impartial advice and I'm genuinely incredibly grateful at what I've received so far. It has helped me see things more clearly I think.

Also, why do you feel I need to question my sexuality because I've been nervous and was slightly unsure that telling my dp was in everyone's best interest? I don't understand the correlation. I keep re reading your last paragraph and I can't understand why you feel I'm having second thoughts. I actually never said I was gay. I am bi sexual, but honestly, I feel that gender is almost irrelevant as I've fallen in love with a person, that's it. The reason I'm nervous about telling her, is simply because I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily, but as I've said, I'm understanding that I have no choice.

and of course his "wanting dick" comment is because I'm with a woman, but again, it doesn't excuse it. It's not just "fairly horrible", it's disgusting and it makes me feel no more than a piece of meat. I can't give him understanding when he says such vile things and if I'm being honest, I find it slightly disturbing that you think I should.

This man has too much time on his hands spending it mooching about and aggravating you. How was he yesterday afternoon? Kept a safe distance with no crassness or innuendo I hope.

Btw not sure if DD has met ex H's gf but have you? I was intrigued by why you seem so sure this relationship of his is doomed to be short-lived.

Could grandparents act as a buffer zone for you and DD and ex temporarily?

Hope you have broached all this with DP or have cobsidered doing so.

considered

Donkey, yesterday went ok. Although I was annoyed that he turned up nearly 2 hours early. I asked why he didn't call, but he just said that he assumed if it was a problem, I'd just tell him when he got there, but that's ridiculous. As if I'm going to turn him away after dd has seen he's there. She'd be crushed and she would be incredibly confused. She didn't want to go out, so I did some work upstairs. He didn't try anything on, but when he left he gave me 'that look' and once again, I felt uncomfortable.

I haven't met his new gf and neither has dd. Actually, my ex doesn't really want them to meet and he's told me that he knows it isn't going anywhere. I know what you're going to say- of course he's going to say that to you, Actually though, he was really interested in another girl, but she was messing him around, so things kind of fizzled. He told me he could have fallen for her, so I really don't think he's just telling me that things aren't going anywhere with his new gf, just to kind of keep the door open for me, so to speak.

My gf just rang and she says she's coming round tonight, which was a lovely surprise, but at the same time, I'm starting to get really nervous. She asked me earlier on the phone if everything was ok and I said, not great and that she didn't need to worry, but I'd talk to her about it when I see her later, so not long now. Feel quite sick.

See, he's still invading your space and pushing your boundaries.
He showed up 2 hours earlier and you had to keep upstairs to give them space (avoid him).

Be a bitch. It pays off.

Why do you feel sick?

Because she'll tell you to keep this bastard away and you don't want to take those steps?

Lwejino, that's not why. I just know it's going to upset her and I'm quite an anxious person anyway, so my emotional reactions can be a bit ott sometimes.

What you said in the call sounded like you pitched it fine. DP had sensed you have something on your mind. Half the battle is setting the scene. Now you can get it off your chest. As long as she doesn't worry you want to call it a day. Nice greeting when you see her, DD out of earshot and explanation.

Looks from ex you can ignore. His timekeeping sucks. If he's not taking her out there's no way he gets to swan in. If he rolls up way ahead of time and she's home say it's not convenient and just tell him to come back at the right time with a grocery item like milk or bread. Then you can tell DD if she spots him Daddy's gone to buy milk or bread.

She will get upset for you.
But you are the one being upset over his behaviour.

I'm sure she'll be mostly supportive. :)

Thanks lweji I hope you're right.

You have to tell her. You know what he's trying to do by making a secret between you. Your dp will be pissed off I'm sure but not as much as if it comes out another way.
I wonder if he would be acting like this if your partner was a big bloke who might kick his ass.

Fish, it's a good point, but he's so cocky, he probably would. He's very tall and muscly and he's got a bit of a reputation for not being messed with. I think this is another reason why he just can't get his head around the fact that I'm not interested in falling for his, oh so romantic, advances. He's very much wanted around where we live and when we were together, he got a lot of attention from women and when we first broke up, it was like bees on a honeypot.