Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Be careful what you wish for

32 replies

londonmouse · 03/09/2013 14:28

This is a genuine first post. I have only just joined as I go on other forums, but if I asked in any of those I would be outed straight away and wouldnt get a sensible answer.

I moved up to my town a couple of years ago with my DH and two sons. I made a few really close friends through my sons school and we now have a group of about 6 of us who are all really good friends.

Before meeting my DH I had a short fling with another woman. I wont call it a relationship because it wasnt. It was the two of us getting what we wanted without any strings. Its always been a bit of a fantasy. Nobody, not even my close friends knew.

After a slightly drunk chat with one of the mums in our 'group' she revealed she has the same feelings and has basically tried to initiate an affair. I am hugely flattered, and mostly tempted, but I do genuinely love my DH. I am going crazy. I see her every day. She is one of my closest friends. I am a bit annoyed that our friendship has been put on the line, but I am so tempted to give in.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 14:29

I did have a lurk in the Turning Tavern, but it looked like there was nobody there anymore.

OP posts:
Xales · 03/09/2013 14:38

How would you feel if someone turned around to your DH, told him they fancied the pants off him and tried to initiate and affair and that he was tempted to give in?

She may be a friend but she is not a friend of your marriage.

Which do you value and want to have more?

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 14:45

My marriage. Without a doubt. He is my BF. But sexually, I would prefer to be with her.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 03/09/2013 14:48

Don't do it. You need to back off from here. I know she's your friend, but she's not that good a friend if she's willing to risk an affair with a married woman. This town has a big enough social scene for you to be able to move around without her.

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 14:52

our kids are in the same class. We see each other everyday. :'-(

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 03/09/2013 14:54

I'd go for it OP - but promise to let DH watch lol

CoffeeandScones · 03/09/2013 14:55

Do you mean you would prefer to be with her as another fling, or if you had to choose one sexual partner for life?

Xales · 03/09/2013 14:55

If you want her sexually talk to your H about an open marriage for both of you.

If he says no, you have to back down on your contact with her or end your marriage.

AFishWithoutABicycle · 03/09/2013 14:55

Three some?

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 14:59

Coffeeandscones I would prefer to be with another woman if I had to chose a sexual partner for life. But I wanted children and I love the companionship of my DH.

I wouldnt want an open marriage and I wouldnt want to ask DH for one or a threesome

OP posts:
Mabelface · 03/09/2013 15:00

Then you rock up just before the kids go in, and right at kicking out time. Believe me, if you do, it won't be long before it gets around. In this town, if you kick someone one end of the town, someone at the other end starts limping. Gossip is rife here.

Mabelface · 03/09/2013 15:01

I know I sound a bit harsh, but I've lived here for 8 years and know what it can be like, particularly in certain areas.

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 15:03

thats the problem. Well one of them.

There is no way we would get away with it.

But I dont know whether I even do want to 'get away with it'. Fantasies are great when they are just that. When one makes a beeline for you it knocks you sideways

OP posts:
Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 15:03

You are not sounding harsh Madlizzy. It is the tough truth.

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 03/09/2013 15:08

I wouldn't have even put the name of the town in myself, I think someone may recognize you (what if your crush has gossiped already?)

I would get this deleted and not go there with your friend anyway, it's irrelevant that she's a woman, because once you are married and have promised to be faithful, and that counts even if a sex god or goddess turns up! I would stick to those vows as I think it is extremely unlikely this would turn into a relationship and combusting your marriage for hot sex a few times just isn't worth it when you think of the next 40 years.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/09/2013 15:09

When I was 21 I had a 4 month fling with a woman and it was brilliant! She had a long term partner, who I knew, and he was fine about it. The three of us would hang out a lot but when it came to anything sexual, it was just me and her - he wasn't watching by the way. It all started off as a bit of fun but then her partner got peeved because we spent more time just me and her and less time all together. That's what ended it eventually.

That was a very, very long time ago now though. I'm married now and expecting our first baby but I still think of it all very fondly.

I often wonder what I'd do if I bumped into her again, Grin

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 15:10

"combusting your marriage for hot sex a few times just isn't worth it"

you are right. But its killing me. :-(

OP posts:
Dahlen · 03/09/2013 15:16

You married your DH because you wanted children and valued his companionship. That's not a bad basis for a marriage in truth, but it can be made to appear lacking in contrast to one that contains not just mutual respect and companionship but also passion. The trouble with marriages like yours is that they only tend to work until the stage at which one spouse discovers that passion with a third party. Sometimes, that never happens, which is great. Unfortunately it happens all too often.

This is not about you being bisexual, not really. Ok it would have been a lot harder to have children with a female partner (although there are donor clinics, etc) and you'd have also had to face being a social curio even in these 'enlightened' times. I understand why you chose the more conservative solution, even though it may have contradicted what you really desired deep down. However, it's all a distraction really. You made the decision to be married without feeling huge sexual attraction. That's no different from a heterosexual woman making the same decision and then meeting a man who ignited every passion.

Now you have to decide whether the marriage is worth more than the sex and not give in to this woman. Or you decide you can't live life without that degree of passion (which is a valid decision BTW) and change your life either through an open marriage or divorce.

If you're actually gay rather than bisexual, the above still stands but it is way more likely that your marriage will crumble eventually as the strain of denying your sexuality starts to affect your mental health.

Hope you sort it out.

Mabelface · 03/09/2013 15:16

I posted another reply, but mumsnet ate it. Just to say, keep it as a fantasty and treat her like 'What were we like when we were drunk! Don't we talk rubbish!' and stay on a normal friendship level. It's not worth destroying your marriage and your kids' lives for.

Original poster
londonmouse · 03/09/2013 15:19

Thank you all so very much xx

OP posts:
CoffeeandScones · 03/09/2013 18:48

OP I'm a bit confused as to how you know you'd be happier long term (sexually) with your friend rather than your DH, if you haven't actually been with her? I can imagine being attracted to other people, but I don't see that I could 'know' anyone else would be better..?

Either DH just doesn't do it for you at all, or perhaps you prefer women to men generally? Or it's just an overwhelming crush?

If one of the first two options then I can't see how you and DH will be happy long-term. If the last option then maybe you need to let it go for the sake of your marriage and family.

Cabrinha · 03/09/2013 22:04

If you choose your marriage, I'd just add that you really need to make sure you keep the alcohol away when you're with her.

beaglesaresweet · 04/09/2013 00:53

I can't see OP, why you wouldn't want an open marriage (with rules etc.), is it because you can't stand the thought of your H having flings, or because you just know he won't agree to open marriage?

It's worth considering though, especially if he ever had a hunch about your sexuality. Of course if he's likely to be completely shocked and you know it, then just forget about this woman.

But as Dahlen says, you can't deny your sexuality forever, unless your interest is ignited only on rare occasion.

CharityFunDay · 04/09/2013 03:11

The other mother has stepped over the line by trying to initiate an affair with you. Steer clear, or at least avoid getting drunk with her.

OTOH if you feel that your lesbian side is too strong to be denied, then talk to your DH about it. It might upset him, but then again he might be fine with it -- only you two can sort this out between you.

I've been in straight relationships with gay crushes, and while not fun, due to the 'what if?' factor it is survivable.

Good luck.

Lweji · 04/09/2013 08:30

My usual advice would be to distance yourself from her.
It's difficult to keep a clear head when temptation is staring at you.

You are in a long term relationship and something else would seem exciting and new. It may end up in tears to all of you.

So, I'd take time from her and evaluate my marriage for itself, without exterior pressure.
If you're not happy and it's not enough for you, then leave, but not simply because you are excited about the possibilities with this other person.

Gender is not very relevant.

If you have deep feelings for this woman and she has for you, it's one thing, and she'll wait while you figure out what to do away from her.
If it's just a physical attraction and a fling, then run away like the wind.