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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should my dh have dropped everything to help me?

46 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 09:25

My dad is livid with dh.
Dh stayed over at his sisters over weekend for a drinking session. She's about an hour away.
As sods law would have it I developed a nasty case of d&v and as I couldn't get hold of dh my dad came over to help me and look after dc's, from 5am -mid day. it took all day to get hold of dh and he made no attempt to rush back. When he did return he went straight to bed obviously very hungover. Sil sided with him and I got the impression they thought I was being very rude and difficult wanting him to come back to me.
I'm upset that last night he wouldn't get dd ready for bed and I had to do it (while feeling really ill) he was far more interested in sleeping off his hangover.
I just don't know what to think!

OP posts:

ShatnersBassoon · 02/09/2013 09:35

Could he have rushed back if heavy drinking was underway? An hour away in a taxi would be horribly expensive, and would he have been any use anyway?

You and your dad muddled through. I'd be more annoyed about ignoring calls etc. than the non-appearance tbh.

curlew · 02/09/2013 09:37

Difficult. Was it easy for your dad to come and help you, or was it incredibly inconvenient? Is the weekend away a regular thing, or a one off?

BebeBelge · 02/09/2013 09:38

yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually.

The only excuse would be if he had had too much to drive but I would expect him to explore all other options regarding taxi, public transport etc first and in that scenario he should have taken over all childcare the second he finally stepped through the door.

I hope he is not always as selfish,, OP. Poor you. Hope you feel better now. And what a lovely Dad you have!

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 09:44

Thank you, my dad was happy to help but he was so shocked that dh wasn't so bothered about it at all! His sister picked him up so he didnt have his car and had to wait until she was ok to drive before setting off. This is his argument.
The worst bit for me is that I couldnt contact him and the fact that his drinking is becoming more and more of a problem. Sil has no responsibilities. Divorced/no dc's so I feel she doesn't really 'get' why I get annoyed with them sometimes

OP posts:

Notmyidea · 02/09/2013 09:48

I think he probably felt dreadful too, although of the self-inflicted variety.
I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything, especially if he were over the limit to drive but you should both be muddling through and helping each other today.
Is there a sense of fairness between you when it comes to who gets the time and money for nights out?

BlissfullyIgnorant · 02/09/2013 09:49

Next time he has a hangover, clean the carpets with one of those machines you hire from Homebase . Of course, you'll have to vacuum everywhere before washing

curlew · 02/09/2013 09:50

"yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually."

Should he? I don't think I would expect my Dp to, unless I was actually really properly ill, or there wasn't anyone else to ask who would be happy to help.

But he's not an arse and doesn't go out often- if he was and did I might feel differently,

Mojavewonderer · 02/09/2013 09:53

If he was pissed up I would be glad he didn't bother coming back if I were you because at least you had your dad to help. It's sucks you were ill and at a bad time but you had help and your husband couldn't have predicted you would get ill when you did.
My husband goes away for months at a time and you can bet your bottom dollar something bad will happen as soon as he's stepped on the plane but you just middle through, that's why us women are made the way we are.
I was due to move 5 hours away last year and on move day I got norovirus, I was meant to be driving my kids and pets 5 hours to the new house but because of my delicate state my husband had to abandon his car and drive us all instead with me throwing up in a bowel and having to stop every half hour. When we got there my husband was angry, tired and not very nice to me but we got through it and managed to have the house straight in a day can you believe although no thanks to me because I just hugged the toilet all day while my mum & husband unpacked. I of course got my own back when one evening 4 days later my husband suddenly jumped up and starting vomiting in the downstairs toilet hehe he had caught it too! Cheered me right up that did. About 2 days later he went out and bought me flower, chocs and a I'm sorry card because he hasn't realised how poorly I had been and he felt so awful for being so mean to me.

MissStrawberry · 02/09/2013 09:53

It wasn't so much the being pissed and the SIL being an interfering cow but the fact that he turned his phone off and showed how little he cares about you and the children that is the main problem imo.

CinnabarRed · 02/09/2013 10:10

Would you like to talk about how his drinking is becoming more and more of a problem?

I'd be pretty pissed off by his behaviour, FWIW. Sure, everyone's entitled to a night off, but if he was still incapable of helping you put DD to bed the following day and when you were pretty ill, then that's not OK in my book.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 10:17

He's always been a drinker but it just seems like drinking is more important than anything else now. He usually dinks on his own or with his sister who encourages it. His doctor has told him to cut down as his liver is in bad condition. You'd think that would be enough!
Is it fair to ask him to choose drink or his family?

OP posts:

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 02/09/2013 10:24

Yes of course he should have come back straight away. He wasn't at his best friend's stag night or something that will only happen once. He was doing something he can (presumably) do any time, and you were ill and needed help. And to moan and groan about a hangover and not be bothered about his family is poor.

Sadly from your later posts, OP, it sounds like his drinking is a major problem. You need to get support on dealing with that.

curlew I don't get your reference to "unless I was actually really properly ill". Full on D&V is not a walk in the park. And certainly it comes above 'suffering from a hangover' in my book.

OctopusPete8 · 02/09/2013 10:25

I'd be very angry at the not helping when he got back.

sparkle12mar08 · 02/09/2013 10:30

For the original question only, no I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything and come back - it would have cost a bomb if too drunk to drive and he'd have been useless to you anyway. I would, however, have expected contrition on a humungous scale once he did arrive.

As to the broader question of his general drinking, only you can know whether or not an ultimatum would work. I would only say that you should not even consider issuing one unless you are absolutely determined to see it through - it's a pointless exercise otherwise.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 10:39

I am going to ask him to see a doctor again or go myself and tell them what's happening. I think the drinking and his lack of responsibility is the main issue really

OP posts:

OhDearNigel · 02/09/2013 10:41

yes, he absolutely should have dropped everything to come home presumably because he, you know, loves you and cares about you and the dc? I'm shocked actually

My DH loves and cares about me, however it would not cross my mind to recall him from a planned social activity unless I was completely incapacitated. Surely you just shove them in front of the TV, lie on the sofa covered in a blanket and say "be gentle with Mummy". That's what I do.
I would, however, expect him to be helpfulness personified when he got home - hangovers do not buy a "get out of jail free" card in my house.

RaRaZ · 02/09/2013 10:42

Same as Sparkle: I think -especially on a weekend night! - it would have cost a bomb to get a taxi back and quite possibly taken a while to find one that's free as well. I wouldn't really have expected him to come back, and if it was my DP, I'd have rathered he hadn't broken the bank to do so. BUT I'd have expected his first concern when he got in to be how you were and how he could help.

OhDearNigel · 02/09/2013 10:43

OP, from your last post I assume this is a regular occurrence ? In that case I take back my last post which was based on the assumption that Big Nights Out are a rare festivity as they are chez Nigel.

If he's doing it all the time then this is not fair and he needs to man up.

Floggingmolly · 02/09/2013 10:43

I'd be more concerned with him spending the entire weekend at his sister's with the sole purpose of getting rat arsed. That's your real problem, not the fact that he didn't curtail the party when you were ill

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 10:51

I agree! I just don't understand what is so great about getting wasted all weekend when you've got a young family to have fun with instead :(

OP posts:

curlew · 02/09/2013 10:55

"curlew I don't get your reference to "unless I was actually really properly ill". Full on D&V is not a walk in the park. And certainly it comes above 'suffering from a hangover' in my book."

I meant ill like not knowing what with and doctors and stuff. Not something you can go to bed and get over while somebody else looks after the kids.

Hassled · 02/09/2013 10:57

I'm not surprised your Dad is livid. Listen to your father.

If your DH had been working then fair enough. But to leave you struggling so he could carry on drinking? That's really crap.

curlew · 02/09/2013 11:01

But she wasn't struggling- she had her dad helping her.

If I was visiting my sister and Dp called me back because he was ill when his parents or someone were happy to help out, I wouldn't be at all impressed,

QueenQueenie · 02/09/2013 11:11

The real problem is the drinking. Choosing to go on a bender from the weekend away from home and drinking to such excess that he's pretty much useless for days afterwards? What sort of way is that to live when you have a family, what sort of role model is he as a father? The only person who can adresss that though is him. You need to decide how you feel about it, what you expect him to do / not do and have a frank discussion about this. Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who does this.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 02/09/2013 11:12

My dad is angry because its not his job to be looking after me its my husband's job really. Dh has no sense of responsibility. This happened Sunday when they weren't still drinking but sleeping with terrible hangovers!

OP posts:

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