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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is 4 months too soon?

27 replies

scratchinghead · 01/09/2013 21:55

Im new to this and Im very confused..
After many years of my H being critical, judgemental and a bully I finally plucked up the courage and left him. We were married 30 years.
He begged me to reconsider saying he would change, that he would be kind to his DC's, that we were his life.
But I stuck to what I felt despite it being really hard as he was using DC's to get to me.
I knew after about 6 weeks of all this he had found someone else and one of our DC's tells me they are now house hunting together.
I am totally gobsmacked at this, surely 4 months, which is all it has been, is way too soon to move in with a new partner and just expect DC's to accept this and for her to almost step into my shoes?
Fair enough if he wants to move on, but move in?
Or maybe that was why he was so horrible to his family, because she was always there? But if so why not leave us to live with her before?
As I said, confused..

OP posts:

Leverette · 01/09/2013 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MexicanHat · 01/09/2013 22:12

It's possible that she has been around but he didn't want to leave his family for her. Now you have taken the decision out of his hands it's probably preferable for him to be with her rather than be on his own. Any suspicions of OW?

There is another Mumsnetter in a very similar position catkin I think. She may come along with her experience.

Viking1 · 01/09/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabiesAreLikeBuses · 01/09/2013 22:18

Way too soon. You have to wonder too a what kind of woman is willing to shack up with someone within, effectively, weeks of the end of a long marriage. I agree with leverette he clearly needs to not be alone. All you can do is focus on rebuilding you - she will never step into your shoes as far as dc are concerned. You only get one mother.

Original poster

scratchinghead · 01/09/2013 22:21

I had no suspicions, no.
But his work took him away for long periods and he always called me on his mobile so I suppose he could have been anywhere.
If he thought so little of DC's when we were together, why is he now being this amazing dad to them? To prove that he is a good man and that it was all my fault?
Stupid me.

OP posts:

MexicanHat · 01/09/2013 22:25

He will revert to type soon enough OP.

GemmaTeller · 01/09/2013 22:34

My ex did this....he was so devastated when I left it took him, oh, maybe all of two weeks to start seeing someone else....

Some men just can't be on their own

Leavenheath · 02/09/2013 01:18

We've seen this happen recently with a couple of men on the fringes of our social circle. Re. one of them, I'd bet my house the new woman was the OW, but publicly they are coming out with elaborate (but not consistent) stories about how they met within a fortnight of him leaving home. No-one we know is buying it, least of all his ex-wife. The other spent about a month boring everyone to death crying on everyone's shoulders, before starting a relationship with some drippy neighbour who'd taken pity on him and started doing his ironing.

There are some men who just aren't emotionally intelligent enough to spend time on their own. And sadly there are some really desperate women out there who don't see rebounders who just want sex and housekeeping, as Men To Avoid.

cronullansw · 02/09/2013 02:55

Confused?

You will be :)

She asked him to leave, he did.

Now she is 'confused' because he's living a life.

Who else is confused that op has got her wish, ie, hubby out of her life, but op is now not happy.

mummytime · 02/09/2013 06:01

Cronullaw - go away!

I know someone whose wife died. In less than a year later he had remarried. And I know he hadn't even known the woman before his wife died (she lived the other end of the country and they met via a Christian dating site). He just couldn't be alone. They have moved away now, but I wonder first if he had slightly Narcistic tendencies (as neither of them seemed to see their behaviour could be upsetting to his grown up children). Also whether it would be a case of "marry in haste, repent at leisure".

lunar1 · 02/09/2013 07:05

Way too early to bring a random stranger into your children's lives.

Lovingfreedom · 02/09/2013 08:04

TBH if you're no longer together his love life is his business.

Mum2Fergus · 02/09/2013 08:34

With respect...it's none of your business.

Original poster

scratchinghead · 02/09/2013 09:56

I know its not my business and I am not concerned that he has moved on, that is totally his right and I do not begrudge his happiness.
It gets him out of my life. And yes that was my wish. Why would I want to be with a man who spent his life criticising me and our DC's.
But I am concerned that his actions affect our DC's. That is still my business.

OP posts:

MexicanHat · 02/09/2013 10:06

Of course it's the OPs business when there are DC involved!!! She doesn't want him back she is concerned about her DC - how can you possibly know someone well enough to move in with them after 4 months. Talk about needy

comingintomyown · 02/09/2013 10:07

Yes for that reason its very much your business

Within a few weeks of him deciding to leave my XH had lined up my replacement, she was an OW but not really. She was a known gold digger but suddenly when she dug XH she wasnt but just misunderstood by everyone !

Anyway I told him to keep our DC away from her and he more or less did for around 4 months or so and they didnt move in together for nine months.

I remember in one of our maudlin chats pre him moving out him telling me he was "no good on his own" , some people will do anything not to be single. Thank goodness I am not amongst them

Lovingfreedom · 02/09/2013 10:49

It's still not her business unless the children are at risk.

Hannahsmum95 · 02/09/2013 15:07

My XH and I had an awful marriage where neither of us were really interested in each other for the last few years of it. He gave up (and I guess quite rightly so) and moved out. He found someone new within a few weeks but didn't tell em until they'd been together months. At first I was angry he hadn't told me sooner but then thought about the fact that had he done so I only would have jumped down his throat he'd moved on so quickly. I hated her. I didn't feel threatened about her meeting my daughter as no one will be able to take my place as her mother but I just made sure I was fair about it all. This was years ago. He's still with her. And they are married with another child. I can't help but be happy he's found someone to be with (I found someone a couple of years ago who makes me happy) so I don't think it's fair to question "what kind of woman would go with a man who has just come out of a long marriage" as for me and my XH our marriage was over long before we physically split and I can't be angry with his OH for being with him....

If 4 months feels too soon then tell him. Ask him to wait before he starts introductions. He needs to be certain about his OH before he does anything concrete! X

lunar1 · 02/09/2013 16:20

How would anyone know if the children were at risk after such a
Short relationship? That's the problem isn't it?

newlifeforme · 02/09/2013 17:22

I do think its too soon, especially when children are involved.I've seen the impact on children as my dsd's mum rushed into new relationships, sadly most of them ending so she witnesses the honeymoon phase when mum is less available to spend time with her, the moving in stage where the children are expected to welcome the presence of a new person and all the routines change.This is something adults seem to ignore, its the child's home as well and a new person changes the dynamic which they are just expected to adjust to, often so quickly after their parents split.Its a massive change but 'loved up' parents just see the benefits that it brings them.Subsequently my DSD has seen the storming stage which happens when the honeymoon is over and reality of life hits home.Mr Wonderful is rarely perfect for long and the children feel the impact as the adults make these discoveries.

I think single people can behave how they want in new relationships but parents should set a higher bar..how can you really judge someone's character and compatability in a few months, it take at least 2 years IMHO.

My DSD is only just settling down after her mum moved her new partner in, its taken 3 years for the children to adjust but she won't be able to get those years back.

I also think men tend to move on quickly and doesn't necessarily suggest an OW, I just think they enjoy the domestic setup that a female partner can bring.

Hannahsmum95 · 02/09/2013 17:26

At risk? At risk of what? We expose our children to a wide variety of people that we have known for much less time. Surely it is the responsibility for, in this case, the XH to determine if their OH is suitable. After all they are a parent too. They aren't going to put their child at risk surely!? It's not as though the child is going to be left in the care of the OH is it? The XH will be there the entire time.

Lovingfreedom · 02/09/2013 17:32

Yes well everyone can speculate and moralise as much as they like but other than appealing to her ex's better nature there is nothing OP can do. It's up to her ex who he spends time with now and pretty much what he does with kids when they are in his care.

Hannahsmum95 · 02/09/2013 17:35

I agree lovingfreedom. I found that a bitter pill to swallow when I was in the OP shoes but I just focused on my daughter and answered any questions she had and supported her as best I could with the change.

cronullansw · 03/09/2013 01:28

Now I'm the confused one.........

Lovingfreedom, hannahsmum are of the same opinion as me, but I'm the one told to go away by mummytime.

I wonder; why the discrimination?

Absolutelylost · 03/09/2013 01:37

Your DH waited ages in comparison to mine!! He's moved in after knowing her about 6 weeks....and he wants our 5 yr old DD to start staying weekends very shortly. Lets just say it's under discussion....

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