If Im being unreasonable with my grown up daughter, i need you lot to tell me. I feel so confused!

[Shellywelly1973]

Dd is 21. Lives at home. Older ds24 moved out 5 years ago when he went to uni. Other dc are dd11, ds8&ds5. Im 19 weeks pregnant. Dd21 reacted really badly to news of the new baby. She hasn't spoken to me or Dp in 3 weeks. Ignores us & barely answers when we speak to her. She sent me a really nasty & insulting text the day i announced the pregnancy.

Now there's part of me who totally understands her point of view. I understand she feels Im too old to be having more dc. I've got plenty, why have more!

But, she's gone out of her way to tell a family member Im pregnant. I have gone NC with this person. Dd knows how deeply hurt & offended i was by something this family member did about 6 months ago.

Im really angry at dd. This probably isn't fair of me but its how i feel. I've carried a secret for dd for about 3years,a secret she's kept from all the rest of her family. I would never ever betray dd. I had a mc 2 days before her 21st. We didn't alter any plans due to the mc. Everything went as dd wanted. She never even asked if i was ok. She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't do any housework. She never helps with the younger dc.

I've done a mightly shit job with her. Shes very successful but one spoilt princess.

I want her out of the house if Im honest but i won't do that as Im her parent, the so called responsible one... How do i move on from this? am i the one who's actually out of order by having another baby?

Dd has betrayed my trust by telling this person & well she knows it but i need to get over it, how do i do that? should i forgive her?

Any advice appreciated as my mind is really confused!!

Im surprised by all the responses. Dd after usual tax&N.I, £ 900 per month. She is an apprentice.

The reason she didn't pay rent was initially she was working part time. She started her apprenticeship last year. I said to her instead of rent she should save for a deposit as she has wanted to leave home for ages.

I recently was shocked to find out shes not saved a penny.

I don't expect dd to help with her siblings but i was pointing out that she doesn't contribute to our family in any way.

Her dad left me when she was a baby. I've been with Dp 15 years. Lived together 12 years. She's chosen not to have a relationship with her father. Her older brother sees their dad.

The secret i mentioned is to do with her boyfriend. She's moved the boundaries. Its like the trust is gone. I don't really feel comfortable with her. Im deeply hurt by her.

If i try to talk to her, it will be all about her. She won't admit to doing anything wrong. I know it will be pointless...

Well if she gets £900 a month she can at least contribute some board/food money and she should be pulling her weight around the house. No she does t have to help with siblings bit lay dry, cooking ,cleaning etc are all parrt of family life. If my 14 and 11 yr olds can cook and do a load of lay dry etc then a 21 yr old bloody well can.

If she won't talk/listen reasonably maybe just wrote down house rules for all and I sits she sticks to them. What about some form or mediation/counselling for the two of you?

It isn't pointless, she needs to learn that her words and actions affect others. She needs to hear these things from you.

Wow, that's a lot for an apprentice! I thought they got a lot less than that.

Well, if I were you, I'd charge her board and if necessary you could save it for her.

Does she have her own room in your home or does she share?

And you just can't compare you keeping her secrets and her not mentioning your pregnancy - I mean a pregnancy soon becomes public knowledge doesn't it?

I don't think you want her living with you though and its not going to get any better - I thought she was going to be doing her finals when the baby was due but must have got that wrong - sorry.

So perhaps the best thing is to work out how she can move out.

It's not pointless if you are pointing out to her that it's time to take some responsibility and make a contribution to the household. Whether she admits to having done anything wrong is irrelevant. The fact that she has saved nothing shows that she has no self-discipline and no intention of moving on from the current situation. You have to charge her some rent for both your sakes. Save the money she gives you in another account and give it back to her as a deposit later so that she can move out if that's what it takes, but carry on as you are and you are going to end up hating each other. It's not too late to take control of this situation, but you need to sort it before you are overtaken by the birth and the new baby.

Tricky. How far does £900 stretch where you live? Is it feasible to cover a flatshare rent, bills, transport etc? I'm just trying to establish whether you feel asking her to leave is actually an option.

What do you want to happen? Would the ideal be that she moves out and you try to re-establish your relationship at more of an adult distance, or that she admits she has been unreasonable and a bit nasty and apologizes?

She has her own room and bathroom at the top of the house I think? Does she keep that clean/tidyish? Please don't say you clean her bathroom, do all her laundry?

Ask her for rent and out it in a savings account for her savings for a deposit? Is she likely to get a better paid job after apprentice scheme? I think she needs some idea of budgeting and you need to feel less taken for granted/used.

I haven't even read the other posts yet so apologies if this has been said .

You are in no way wrong to be having another baby no matter what your Dd thinks & she must be exceptionally Jealous to be acting this way .
It is not acceptable for her to behave in this way towards you or to make you feel this way .

I am one of 9 & the eldest is 30 & the youngest is 4 & no way would any of us behave this way towards our Dm or siblings/future siblings .

She needs a good dose of reality & if you want her to move out then tell her & give her a set time limit etc to leave , this will not make you a bad parent at all .

Hope your ok

Sorry but she's an adult. By being her parent you need to teach her what being an adult is all about.

She's is:

1. Living in your house but not speaking to you
2. Earning money but not paying her way.
3. Not saving to move on from your house
4. Not contributing to household life.

If I was you, I would present her with a variety of solutions to choose from:

1. Pay her way in the house (you could even save this behind her back to help her with a deposit later). This would only be on the condition that she is polite in the house.
2. Get her own place and do what she wants there.

Congratulations on your new baby. I hope by the time the baby is born that you have a calm household. Hopefully when the baby is born she can accept it.

Speaking as someone who does have a much younger sibling it can be difficult at times because you can't have the same adult relationship with your parents. Like you can't go out for a glass of wine or a late dinner. They forget what age you are and speak to you like you're the age of the younger sibling. BUT this has been happening in families, around the world, for years. If its the way it is in your family, you just have to accept it.

Is there a particular reason why she is unhappy with you having another baby?

Please try not to compare your non disclosure of your daughters secret to her telling your relative of your pregnancy, to do so would be a dangerous path to tread. The circumstances are very different, not least because a pregnancy usually becomes common knowledge once a baby arrives.

I would sit down and have a proper, frank conversation with her to be honest.

She needs to know it's not all about her. Some might be cross with me for saying this but she is a woman now, not a child. It's a decision that you have made and it isn't up to her whether you have a baby or not.

If she acts entitled I wouldn't let her do that. I'd let her continue on wither attitude and completely ignore it.

Because she told this person you aren't talking to, she obviously isn't considering your feelings. It seems to me you have let her have her way the whole time that she thinks everything in the house is about her. You have to tread on eggshells and you should never have a household that revolves around one person, because that is ridiculous and it isn't doing her any favours in the long run.

This is coming from a 23 year old. If my Mum would've had another child when I was 21 I would've been worried about her health, not whether it didn't agree with me or not. But I'm not a selfish person, your DD sounds like she is.

Perhaps she has some narcissist tendencies or even some histrionic ones. Either way, it doesn't mean you have to just put up or shut up.

It's YOUR house
It's YOUR baby
It's YOUR decision when to tell people.

It's not about her.

Treat her like an adult.

I am really shocked that parents think it's okay for their earning adult children to not contribute to the cost of living ie food and energy bills, I really just don't get it.

How do people become responsible if they are never given responsibility...

I also think you need to tell her how rude and hurtful her attitude is why does she expect you to respect her life choices and continue to support her financially when she is being so disrespectful in return?

With respect to me keeping quiet about dds s

ecret, its about respect. Its about trust, decency etc. My dd knows i will support her unconditionally. She knows i literally would lie my head off or do whatever she needs. I expect dd to remember that.

In her text, she called me Jeremy Kyle scum. A tinker & liar.

She thinks i should only have had her & her brother. I have a ds with ASD & ADHD so the majority of my family agree with her.

She needs to grow up and stop acting like a selfish brat. I would not ask her to leave but would say the time has come, at 21 for her to pay rent and out of her pay I think around £3-400 per month sounds fair. She also needs to do some chores to help the whole family and you must not be coking and cleaning up for her. You need to sit down and tell her how you feel and move this forward, you can't go on with no speaking and this hostile attitude and the negativity in the house. Stay calm and be the adult but be clear and stand firm.

Sorry for typos on phone!

Jeremy Kyle scum, tinker and liar. I would be fucking furious. I would struggle not to call her an immature, scrounging, gobshite but I did say you need to be an adult in this. Good luck!

I don't really have any advice, sorry. I just wanted to say that I'm 18 and when I was 16 I was earning about £870 a month after tax through an apprenticeship. I gave my mum £300 (£400 if I could afford it - I'm a reptile fanatic which is expensive) for rent and food and stuff and I thought it was totally fair. I would never have dreamed of earning that amount of money and not giving any to my mum. I still did tasks around the house too - washing, ironing, dishes etc. Your daughter has to buck up and contribute to the running of the household. It sounds like you have to give her an ultimatum.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the situation with your daughter

"Clearly if that is how you feel about me then perhaps you should no longer benefit from my financial support, as ever I will always be there for you regardless"

OMG I would be beyond livid, just who does she think she is!! It's the sort of thing I could understand coming from a hormonal, over emotional teenager but at 21???

I doubt very much that she has suddenly turned into a spoilt princess. You have probably indulged the little madam and are now taken aback because instead of being grateful for the shit she's gotten away with, she feels entitled. Its time you started doing what you should have done years ago, which is assert yourself and impose boundaries. She's 21 and should be contributing to the household whether that takes the form of ad hoc childcare, chores, rent etc. Kicking her out right now would be a petulant response which could have lasting repercussions, talk to her and explain your hurt and how things are going to change.

Sorry I think that would be my response!

I would sit down with the disrespectful madam and tell her straight. Obviously she doesn't want to be living in your home any more. That she resents her younger siblings (obviously without them there). It's not a long term solution to live in a house where one member is ignoring others and being disrespectful in x,y and z way, so it's best if she finds somewhere else to live.

I would not live with an adult who ignored me. Who didn't want to be around younger family members. Who sent me disrespectful and insulting texts.. If this was an adult who I was living with as a partner this would be class as abuse. Abuse, doesn't just come from partners. It comes from anyone.

I don't really understand why support her unconditionally should include letting her walk over you?
Are you feeling guilty over something you should have provided for her and you haven't?
Or - have you learned to respond in certain way and can't imagine to be sensible in dealing with her.

If she was as successful as you claim she would have EI to behave towards you. IMHO she is using you and laughing behind your back because she knows that.... you will support her unconditionally.