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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ignored good advice, and guess what!

27 replies

bustedmonkey · 01/09/2013 12:51

I'm back that's what!

Several months ago I found my H on NSA site and chatting to ppl, got some good advice and arse kicking that I needed (and asked for!) on here. However, when I confronted H he was so distraught he cried and begged. So I stayed and he promised to never do that again.....well I don't have to tell you what's happened now Hmm

Yep. Found out more chatting was done last night through a new FB profile, pretty much all talking about when are you in London. In chats saw reference to seeing one of them on another nsa site. In internet history, the contact details of an escort agency had been viewed.

So there AF, cjel - you did tell me so.

As i clearly got him totally wrong with regards to relationships and women, i'm going to have to be very cautious and secretive in how i go about leaving him. To add to cheating, he has always been secretive with money and our financial situation so he could easily screw me over on that. Most worryingly we are also holding money on behalf of my mom. He is quite tight with money so i he will try to leave me with as little as possible.

Could someone please advice on what i need to do and who i should see. I'm not going to confront him, i see no point. I just want to end this and leave once and for all.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 01/09/2013 12:54

Do you know where all the money is and have access to it?

talulahbelle · 01/09/2013 12:56

Can you confide in your mum? Get her to get her money back at least.

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 01/09/2013 13:02

I do (atleast i used to, unless he switched after confrontation few months ago) in theory. We supposedly have all joint accounts. I have cards and internet access, but have never logged on or even remember the card pin nos. Or even look at statements.
i'd rather not tell my mom till i'm out or she'll just worry. I would have to tell my older brother who can help me with stuff......if i can also get him to not beat up H in the course of it! thankfully he lives in the other side of the world.

I guess:
list all accounts and balances get access to them
move mom's money to bro
list all properties (we have a few investment properties)
get copies of all of the above
nosy through his mail to see if he has other sole bank accounts

OP posts:
bragmatic · 01/09/2013 13:02

Legal advice is always a good start.

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 01/09/2013 19:03

Thanks yes, it would be. How much can I expect to be paying? as he see's all account activity I will have to withdraw cash slowly to pay etc.

What I really want to do is leave home with my stuff and send him an agreement to financial settlement sent to him. Is that feasible? How long with it take to be properly divorced? I think he will contest it, but will his nsa activity count as 'adultery' for a quickie divorce? I don't have proof that he's met someone (either now or before) but I do have all the screenshots of the messaging and the internet history.

I intend to use the evenings in the next couple of weeks to look up our finances. And after I've looked up finances then ask him about finances to see if there's anything else lurking I don't know about or if he doesn't mention something I know, so i'll know where I stand with him. I've spent the day with him being 'normal' and will continue this till I can leave.

No kids involved, thankfully. I've no friends in r/l, sorry if i'm asking silly questions and I'm sure i'll continue to do so; practical advice is the most useful no matter how much I read up.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2013 19:31

I am so sorry, love

Perhaps post on the legal or divorce boards ?

Alternatively, look in the phone book for family law solicitors who offer a free half hour and make an appt ASAP

KristinaM · 01/09/2013 19:38

I'm sorry I have no good advice, only one practical tip about money

When you go grocery shopping, you can get cash back and it just shows up on the bill as Asda, tesco etc. you can buy milk and £50 cash back and it will be show tesco £51.48

Much less obvious that taking £200 out the cashline

Hissy · 01/09/2013 19:49

I'm so sorry too, it's always nice to hope for a happy ending, but sadly these stories so often go the same way. Script! So sad!

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 02/09/2013 13:34

Thanks, and good tip kristina. I'm at work, moving jobs next week and finishing handover this week. My head is all over the place. How does one cope with work whole life is falling apart.

OP posts:
MissDD1971 · 02/09/2013 13:36

I work for a solicitors. Is there any way you can get your mum to maybe sign a document (no idea what) saying she's given money to him?

and yes, you need a GOOD family solicitor ASAP.

MissDD1971 · 02/09/2013 13:37

just saw you can transfer mum's money to brother. that's good.

Wellwobbly · 02/09/2013 13:42

Hi BM, well done for not showing your hand.

Get legal advice, and part of that legal advice must include a forensic accountant.

He can make any rule he wants, but he will find the courts are bigger than he is.

Cashback on all transactions. Buy extra of expensive essentails and hide them in the attic: washing powder, flash etc.

Have you got proof that the money he is holding is your mother's? Send him an email: about my mother's money, what is the current status? I calculate that after she gave you £x 000 to look after, she should be having £y interest, or have you done anything else with it?

If he replies in the affirmative, he has agreed that it is your Mum's money. If he says I don't know what you are talking about, then the forensic accountant can prove money from your mother's account to his.

Get legal and accounting advice, and move like a leopard. Good luck BM

MissDD1971 · 02/09/2013 13:55

ITA with Wellwobbly. move quickly and don't show him any mercy.

No idea how it would work with financial orders as you don't have kids.

move out if you can do so.

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 02/09/2013 14:42

Gosh, yes a forensic, I do hope it doesn't come to that. I roughly shud have an idea, given his filing habits, but there is the bottom drawer thats always locked. I am going to have tell my brother. I told h yesterday that I think mum wants to move to live with bro and his kids, and does he have her money in tact, he said yes. So I want to get that off to bro soon. Although difficult to keep a straight face at work it is a good distraction. I haven't cried yet. But I will email him as suggested in the pretext of having to let bro know how much we hold for mom.

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 02/09/2013 15:33

Do you have your own bank account? If not, open one. Might be worth opening an account at the same bank then , if you set up internet banking, you can do an instant cash transfer to your personal account immediately before you tell him / leave him. You should be able to get your own PIN / new card / set up internet banking for joint accounts without him knowing - as he can without you knowing.

I'm only suggesting moving your mum's money plus whatever is reasonable to live on etc and it should all be above board, this might just be easier to manage from a practical point of view.

Wellwobbly · 02/09/2013 17:05

BM get that mother money conversation IN WRITING. Email him at work...

oh, and learn how to pick locks. (locksmith)

petalsandstars · 02/09/2013 19:36

I would also be careful with your own internet history etc in case he is likely to use the same computer. If so then it may be worth posting elsewhere on mn in case he gets suspicious.

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 02/09/2013 20:46

Right, got originals of some bank statements and property things to copy at work. I've got some of them on iphone photo - is that enough or do I need copies of documents? the bottom drawer was open Grin

If I open an account the mail will come home and then he'll know, so not sure about that. I will move mom's to bro and then stash some cash for me. I am supposed to be seeing my mom who lives overseas, I will take some cash with me then.

I've downloaded some forms to look at so I'm clued up when speaking to solicitor.

I'm not going to be an arse, it will be above board. this is on 'in private browsing' now Wink. I don't know how i'm going to tell my bro and mom, they'll be devastated for me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/09/2013 21:32

Call your bank and explain the situation, ask that it be paperless, and that if you need to sign anything that you'd do it in branch.

OvertiredandConfused · 04/09/2013 09:32

You need your own bank account - you'll need an account for your salary etc. The bank can help with this. I think you can opt to collect cards and other related mail from a branch on production of ID. If you have an internet account, that's easiest in terms of paper.

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 07/09/2013 12:38

So, I've told my bro who has been brilliant. A week since I found out, I've gone through cold shouldering H and then being friends with him now, but I've not confronted yet.

Bro insists that I move out before I confront as he doesn't think its safe (or normal) to live in the same house after that as i'm certain I want to leave. Is that the best thing to do? This will mean that I have to get a place sorted, open my own bank account asap. Its quite hard to remain normal for long, I'm doing well I think till I get mom's money out. the thought of having to be normal for another 2-3 weeks is excruciating. On the other hand, it will give me the momentum I need to get out.

Bro also says I am silly to want to know answers and that should not expect to get closure as all i'm going to get is a load of excuses and apologies and promises, not necessarily the truth. And this will mess my head. But I need to know all the details. so i'm also wondering if i'll get any truth if I've already moved out and ending it, i.e. H is more like to spill some truths if he thought there was a chance for 'us' if he were honest? Am I being naïve?

I have days when I think, this isn't too bad as he's not really met up with anyone (well at least anyone he was chatting to now). On the other hand he did give his no to one and said are you even in London...and that he found her on adultwork. So the intention was/is there. Then I have to open up the screen shots to remind myself this is unacceptable to me and I want out. I guess that's normal. I hope I don't break.

OP posts:
sisterofmercy · 07/09/2013 15:02

I have no advice to give except to note my admiration in the calm and methodical way you are making plans. Good luck on successfully taking back control of your life. ^^

Original poster
bustedmonkey · 08/09/2013 11:37

Thank you sister. I'm looking for appts to move out to.......getting cold feet.

Ended up spending the whole day with H yesterday, which was so excruciating. I felt like a total fraud.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bustedmonkey · 08/09/2013 21:28

So, managed to hack into the fb account.....this has been going on since 2 years after we got married. I cant believe this is happening to me. I cant believe this is the man I married, my friend.

OP posts:
raisah · 08/09/2013 21:47

Speak to a solicitor and get advice, I believe the first 30 minutes are free. Also, change your will if you have one so that your h can't inherit from you should something awful happen to you before your divorce is finalised.

I agree with the others who advised that you get email confirmation from him about the status of the money he is holding for your mum. If he denies all knowledge later on then you can pursue him for theft.