Need advice quite quickly. Domestic violence involved.

[WhatAFoolAgain]

I asked h to leave last year after he held a knife to my throat. Previously he had tried to strangle me but I had never reported it to the police.

I phoned the police on the night of the knife incident but never pressed charges. Social services were involved but closed the case as they said there was no threat to the dc.

A year has passed. I have been stupid and have been off and on with h. I am 18 wks pg by him.

We had planned to go away next week with the dc. I know. I know. I paid money into his account this morning towards car hire and then he said he wasn't coming. Because I still had his bank card he came round to collect it. I had already asked him not to come because I knew he was going to kick off but he came anyway.

He walked in the back door. I asked him to leave straightaway. He did. I locked the door behind him but he came back and started kicking the door. I opened the window and told him to stop. He reached in the window and grabbed my purse. I shut the window. He grabbed a spade and started trying to smash the kitchen window.

I phoned the police. They are on their way.

He went to the cashpoint and took all my money out of my account. Then came back to the house. Banged on the front door and then posted my bank card back through the door. He sat outside for a bit and drove away. Is it theft if he knows my PIN number?

Whats going to happen next?

Are social services going to be involved again?

Am I in danger of losing the dc?

This is a joint house. I just want to move miles away from him. As long as I am around him I feel I will keep going back to him.

I am pathetic.

How big is the house?

Could you get a lodger?

Preferably a large boxer, or a martial arts black belt?

Or a guard dog.

At some point I considered installing CCTV, as has CCTVmum .

At the very least, you'd get filmed evidence.

With exH, I did film his stalking to the flat, as well as threats, etc.

You could also talk to neighbours or friends, about providing witness statements if he attacks the house again, or maybe they have witnessed the attack?

He's been back again tonight. I forgot to lock the back door when I was upstairs putting the dc to bed. He came in and took all the money out of my purse and then ran out. I saw him running out from the upstairs window.

I phoned the police on 111 and reported it.

He then text me a couple of hours saying he was in the back alley again, could I fetch him a blanket?!

I phoned 999 this time. The police have just left. He just filled a dash form again. Said I need to get a separation order from a solicitor. He also checked around and didn't see him anywhere so I think he was just trying to frighten me. They can't do an harassment order as he has children living here so could just break and say he was here seeing the children. And also his name is on the mortgage which makes anything else pretty impossible. Unless he harms me in which case I can take out an injunction.

He didn't take a statement about the theft so I think that will be dealt with tomorrow.

I think now the SS will def be involved and if they are I will ask them for help.

The police said if I phone the council about the key he has to the back gate with a crime ref number, they should change the lock. If they don't then they can go and ask him for the key back.

I can't believe he has taken my all my shopping money. I have no money now so will have to take out a pay day loan to get me through.

I was really scared when he said he was in the alley but the police have calmed me down.

I phoned WA earlier and left a message. They phoned me back but it was when I was waiting for the police to arrive so she said she would phone me back. I had a missed call from an unknown number while the police where here so may need to phone them back tomorrow.

I am also changing my phone number tomorrow but this will wind him up because he can't get hold of me so am wary of doing this.

I hope the police can do something. Get that crime number and ring the council and create a fuss about that key. Get your MP involved if necessary.

DO ring WA. You need help and advice from them which is free and they can advice in any other steps you can take.

Thank you to everyone who has PM'd me. I really appreciate it and will reply tomorrow when I have the energy. The support means a lot.

I am just so drained by the stress and the pregnancy. Being on edge is making hard to switch off and relax.

He has just text me saying he loves me and doesn't understand why I want him to die ( I haven't said I want him to die btw)

He is beyond belief really.

Please don't take out a payday loan.

Talk to the WA tomorrow.

You've done brilliantly in phoning the police and getting on the radar.

yes I would change your phone number. Have you an old handset you can put your current SIM card in? That way all his texts & calls will go through as evidence.

If you are both on the mortgage but you don't pay anything to it then have a word with the mortgage company and ask what the procedure is for getting you OFF the mortgage or at least not responsible for half of it in the circumstances. Then you can leave him to deal with it, & get to a refuge then rehoused by the WA.

The legalities of selling the house & claiming a share can come later when you & the DC's are safe.

Make a note of how much he has stolen from you, that will come out of any settlement you claim for later.

Lock all the doors & get some res if you can.

Don't engage with the texts-ignore him -to reply is feeding his paranoia.

He isn't paying anything towards the mortgage. I had to quit work when he left last year. I used to work 20hrs a week till 7pm, would have the dc. When we split he told me that he was 'allowing' me to work by having the children. Then he refused to have them at all so I had no choice but to quit.

I now get help with the mortgage as CCTVmum said, its SMI mortgage assistance,they pay some of the mortgage for me but not all of it. I pay about half of it.

He hasn't contributed to the mortgage since he left.

I forgot to say that my address is being flagged by the police for the next three months.

Rather than a payday loan (they really are the road to hell) could you sell anything at Cash Converters? I know they dont give you much but it is cash in your hand on the day and you wont pay a fortune in fees to get it. You could do the "buy it back" thing (ie, pawning) as I think from what I read on MSE the fees are a lot lower than pay day loans.

hi Whata I am sorry to see he has done this again!

I think you need to view this as any break in and make sure you have every door and window locked.

Victim support may be able to get alarms for windows etc? You can get hand held alarms too.

This man is very very dangerous and he is playing with you. He is projecting on you and suggesting you said 'I want you to die' so you will text back and say ' hope you do die' etc etc so he can go to police and say YOU are threatening him not other way round! This is common behaviour of a psychopath.

My ex ie when he attacked house one afternoon we caught colour and ? make of car he escaped in.
i drove to his parents 40 miles away to try and see if I could see car. When I pulled up to side of street I spotted the CCTV in his bedroom window at parents only because of flashing light. It was hidden well.

Any way my ex attacked in hope I would go to his parents and I would be caught on camera at his parents house and recieve injunction!

BUT it was ex attacking MY house!
this is projection where they try to get the victim to do the behaviour they are doing...maybe he though I would kick his parents front door and then I would be seen asthe criminal to allow him to continue and most of all control.

You need to get that text logged with police. Please take it to police station tomorrow and get it logged. This is evidence.

Try not to have cash in house anymore.

Sadly i dont think it matters he is not contributing to the mortgage as his name is legally on it! He will use this to control you.

Phone Income support and ask for crisis loan re DV situation. You should get a 0% loan fast.

You need to be one step ahead which is draining as you never know what he will do next. He will get mad if you try and gain control so please get CCTV, locks changed etc

I still take my mobile to bed and used to have 999 ready on dial and silent ring etc

Stay safe

xx

Dh has now told me he has told the benefit fraud people he has been sleeping here - he hasn't.

He has sent me a photo of the benefit fraud form he has filled in.

So now I have to prove he hasn't been living here.

I really can't cope with all this. I feel like taking the dc and running far away.

He isn't dh!

Please phone WA again.....

Do you have a food bank locally? They would help in a situation like this. You can look here

do you have any proof he has been living elsewhere? Do you have police reports that have his address on? Where is his post delivered to?

If he really is not living with you, then there should be something to prove it.

You still feel like you'd go back to him, even after all this madness?

Imagine next time he's got a spade in his hand and its your head rather than a window. Now imagine your kids at your funeral.

If he was trying to smash his way through the window with a spade there can't be "no damage". That's just impossible.

He has sent me a photo of the benefit fraud form he has filled in. did he send this by text or email? If so keep it, print it and keep a printed copy aswell.

You will be able to prove this is malicious complaint, by the Crime reference numbers etc.

can you face the idea of seperating from him Legally? ie through the courts?

Right how did he know your pin number?
Call the bank rightnow and get a block put on your account and get your pin changed.

I´ve got to go.

Hang in there you will get through this.

How much did he take out of your account with the card and pin? How much has he taken out of your purse? Is he taking large sus of money for a reason?

xx

Food bank rather than pay day loan.

You need to get a referral voucher from someone like your GP or SS or your DCs' school or maybe the YMCA if there is one near you. The police might know where you can get one.

You get the voucher and then go along to the food bank and collect the food. It is calculated to be enough for a family for three days - but honestly it can last longer than that. They give you loads.

You are not stupid - he is.

Hi whata, I've been through what you're going through but my ex and I didn't have a house together or children thank god! I went through hell and back. Last time I saw him he was threatening to batter me with a plank of wood! He's getting off on trying to control you and he's going to do it no matter what. I'm glad you phoned the police, they'll have it on record. You need to speak to whoever you have the mortgage with and the citizens advice to find out legally where you stand with the house. Keep a diary of every contact you have with him, the more he loses his grip with you the more erratic he will be and it sounds like he's starting. Remember though he's scaring you with threats and a lot of these are bluffs, look at everything rationally - would he really dob you into the benefits agency - pretty doubtful otherwise he's in the shit, phoning up from the alley wanting a blanket is the sob story controlling bit, threatening you with the house is the anger bit. Get legal advice, get to the benefits agency and ask for a crisis loan. I was pregnant once and my ex punched me wanting me to miscarry. I can hear how strong you are, please don't give into him - this is the hard part which is staying strong when he'll have zapped your confidence and self esteem out of you. I've been there, got the t shirt and life is fantastic for me and I know it can be for you. He will never change no matter what he promises you and it will only get worse. Get as much emotional, financial and legal support that you can