Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice quite quickly. Domestic violence involved.

97 replies

WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 17:29

I asked h to leave last year after he held a knife to my throat. Previously he had tried to strangle me but I had never reported it to the police.

I phoned the police on the night of the knife incident but never pressed charges. Social services were involved but closed the case as they said there was no threat to the dc.

A year has passed. I have been stupid and have been off and on with h. I am 18 wks pg by him.

We had planned to go away next week with the dc. I know. I know. I paid money into his account this morning towards car hire and then he said he wasn't coming. Because I still had his bank card he came round to collect it. I had already asked him not to come because I knew he was going to kick off but he came anyway.

He walked in the back door. I asked him to leave straightaway. He did. I locked the door behind him but he came back and started kicking the door. I opened the window and told him to stop. He reached in the window and grabbed my purse. I shut the window. He grabbed a spade and started trying to smash the kitchen window.

I phoned the police. They are on their way.

He went to the cashpoint and took all my money out of my account. Then came back to the house. Banged on the front door and then posted my bank card back through the door. He sat outside for a bit and drove away. Is it theft if he knows my PIN number?

Whats going to happen next?

Are social services going to be involved again?

Am I in danger of losing the dc?

This is a joint house. I just want to move miles away from him. As long as I am around him I feel I will keep going back to him.

I am pathetic.

OP posts:
cantdoalgebra · 31/08/2013 18:10

Why are you even asking him to give back the key to the gate so you can lock him out? Get the lock changed yourself or get a padlock.

Original poster
WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 18:11

I just wish we could work it out.

But I know I can't be with him. He just resorts to violence.

I can't get away. I tried last year. I am tied to a mortgage which I can't clear by selling the house. I have a bad credit rating because he ran up debt without me knowing.

I am stuck in this house. Trapped.

I would give anything to move far away. But I can't.

OP posts:
drmelons · 31/08/2013 18:11

Please phone the police ASAP. If it was a stranger doing this you wouldn't hesitate to call. He is threatening you in a criminal way and you need help to keep you safe.

Please, please call them again
Xx

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:12

You must call the police again. Every time you let him get away with this it is giving him a pass to do it again.

He will never stop because he knows that you will let him do it.

You cant escape him on your own, you need the police and WA. Call the police NOW and demand to know where the fuck they are when you and your DC are trapped in your own home being threatened by a maniac.

Original poster
WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 18:13

I don't have a car.

I don't have anyone. My parents have passed away.

The metal gate is he has a key to is a council gate that runs along the back alley, everyone who has access to the alley has a key. He took my key when he moved out. The council won't change the lock. He unlocks that and reaches over and undoes the lock on the back gate.

I want to go. Forever. I really wish it was that easy.

OP posts:
BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 18:14

Bugger the mortgage your lives are in danger! You have to start thinking clearly. You mustn't let this man anywhere near you.

Original poster
WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 18:14

Where do I go though Baldricks?

OP posts:
BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 18:15

You can add an additional lock onto the gate if its on your own property though surely?

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:15

For a start, get several large bolts and put them up the gate, out of reach, and padlock them.

BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 18:15

What about a b&b?

Original poster
WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 18:16

He has taken all my money out. I have £15 to my name.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:17

CALL THE BLOODY POLICE! If they catch up with him then they will be able to return your money.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:19

Sorry to be harsh but I am wondering what the hell you think will happen the next time he does this? And the next, and the next?

How long before your DC find your body? Or he abducts them?

It happens, its tragic but true.

Call the police now and you and your children wont be another tragic headline.

Original poster
WhatAFoolAgain · 31/08/2013 18:20

I don't know why they aren't here yet.

OP posts:
BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 18:20

If there really is nowhere you can go then please call the police, tell them what you are telling us.

skyeskyeskye · 31/08/2013 18:21

Call the Police. Would you rather that he broke in and beat you up? or hurt your children?

Have you looked into renting the house out and moving somewhere else?

Put a new lock on your back gate that he cant open. Get legal advice on making the council change their lock.

Womens Aid can help you with all of these things.

Seabright · 31/08/2013 18:21

Phone the police and phone your bank. Did he force you to give him the PIN?

You need to take photos of the broken window too.

BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 18:21

Yes please keep trying Women's Aid too, don't give up.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 31/08/2013 18:37

I hope the police give you some support.

He HAS stolen from you.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 31/08/2013 18:38

Look. You need to stop worrying about social services and worry about your children. What do you think they will think and feel when they see their daddy assaulting their mummy? What do you think will happen when they accidentally get in between you and him when he goes for you? This situation is dangerous for your children and you need help to get rid of him.

Leaving an abusive man is really hard. It's sometimes impossible to manage alone. So get help. Women's aid, social services and the police can be your allies. Women's aid first, they can advise you about getting a marker put on your address etc so if you call the police they hurry there instead of dilly dallying. They can also put you in touch with legal advice I believe so you can think about how to get out if that house.

The police can enforce him staying away from your house but you have to use them, and trust them. Call them back, now.

Social services can act as a carrot and a stick to keep you on track with your safety plan. Yes, they will want to know the children are safe, but they aren't completely ignorant of domestic violence dynamics, if you tell them you want to leave him but need help, they will help. That help may be within the framework of a child in need or child protection plan but if you are open and honest and put in the work that is not a bad thing.

You need backup. Take it.

Bogeyface · 31/08/2013 18:51

SS will take a far dimmer view of this situation if they are forced to intervene because you are not adequately protecting them than if you approach them for help.

Lweji · 31/08/2013 19:03

You have to phone the police EVERY TIME he does something.

Because he knows the pin, the bank is not liable to put the money back, but it's still theft and you should report it.

For the council to change the lock, there has to be a strong reason I imagine, but you do have to report him to the police and obtain a no contact order, etc

You have to stop having contact with him, even to hand in children. If he wants to have access, let him arrange for a contact centre.

Stop taking calls from him. Use only text or e-mail. Report any threats to the police.

He is doing this, but you do have to be strong for yourself and your children.
The police cannot protect you if you don't report it.

Do leave a message with WA.

Remember: he did these things. He should be ashamed, not him.

Do not feel ashamed in any way or form. That gives him power.

Do tell everyone you know. It will give you power, you'll see.
And you may find help from where you didn't suspect it might come.

Keep coming here for support too.

littlebunnyfriend · 31/08/2013 19:08

Yes, you need to be the one to contact social services first. Not the neighbour who sees someone smashing in your window with a spade, or the teacher they tell at school.

Call the police again now. Ring 999 if you have to for crying out loud.

Xales · 31/08/2013 19:11

If it is a metal gate get a chain and padlock?

Call the police he will not stop until forced to. The sooner you call the police the sooner it is dealt with.

If you don't call the police until next time your children could be motherless he has already strangled you and held a knife to your throat.

BaldricksTurnip · 31/08/2013 20:15

OP? You ok?

Swipe left for the next trending thread