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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WTF! 'friend' my arse !!

39 replies

PTFO · 29/08/2013 22:45

when she's confronted, denies, denies, denies. which by default implies I'M lying which Im not.
she's a total coward.
no apology.
total histerics and tears from her, total drama all me me me.

fuck her, there are better people out there worth my time effort and friendship. I deserve better. I could not have done more for her. some people take take take and their is no give and this one takes the piss. I do not deserve to me treated like that.

bitter twisted jelousy has eaten her up. what a waste.

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/08/2013 14:29

Surely the 'I hate myself, I must be a horrible person' bullshit is just designed to make impossible for you to be right and her to be wrong. You're right back on the merry-go-round of 'it's all about her'.

These are classic manipulators' tricks. She wanted her DH to be there so that the audience was on her side. Who the fuck cares about her birthday, she's not 7! I dread to think what she was like in the run up to her wedding, incidentally.

She is simply a high-maintenance user. You need to focus on why you allowed yourself to be sucked in to the situation in the first place, why you invested so much in a friendship with someone who patently doesn't even like you. I think you think that makes you a nice person - well of course it doesn't make you a nasty one but you've not been very nice to yourself.

It's definitely a rousing MN chorus of Leave the Bastard on this one - cut her out of your life and find some friends who are capable of returning your friendship. And don't make a big song and dance out of dropping her, either - that will keep her going for months. Just back away slowly.

SirRaymondClench · 30/08/2013 14:35

I feel emotionally drained just reading all this.

Platinumstart · 30/08/2013 14:50

I th

Platinumstart · 30/08/2013 14:52

I think you're taking this all far to personally. If you're late to a party I think it is a little unreasonable to expect the host to have saved you food - especially when there was clearly an option to purchase more.

Taking cupcakes home also seems fine. But if a couple of cake incidences of cake have got you both this upset then you really should take a step back

GeppaGip · 30/08/2013 15:09

All this over a bit of birthday cake!!

QueenofallIsee · 30/08/2013 15:16

Sorry OP, you sound as bad as her. Not sure your examples warrant a 'we must have a chat drama'. You seem to be equally manipulative i.e passive aggressive 'over giving' i.e. giving in order to elicit a response and control a situation, not giving in order to be a friend/good person

Partridge · 30/08/2013 15:25

Is this seriously mostly about cake?

JackieOHHH · 30/08/2013 15:27

OP you sound like me....I've had a few friendships fail over the past 3 years ( since I turned 40!!!) and it's because I am loyal, and I give and give and give and get shit on.
At that point I say "enough", and I realise nothing is ever going to be good enough.
Those posters saying you sound as bad as her, well I don't agree. I think you've reached your limit.
You've been quite adult about it, saying to he " look, we need a chat, I'm a bit upset about something" and she's the one who's turned it round, making a big thing out of t, getting her husband to 'witness' you having a go at her.
Pffft....her loss mate.
Move on, find better friends, ( saw one of my ex, back stabbing friends today, and just smiled to myself, knowing I've moved on and learnt, but she never will cos she's never wrong).
Ignore her.

JackieOHHH · 30/08/2013 15:29

Those asking "is this really just about cake??!!!"
Of course it's not! FFS it's the straw that's finally broken the camels back! It's part of the story.

If I told you why I fell out with my friend of 20 years you'd all say " is that it?? You lose a friend of 20 years over that?" But often you've taken so much and finally, just one little thing,pisses you off so much you snap.

SirRaymondClench · 30/08/2013 15:39

Actually when I think about it, I can't think of a better reason to fall out with a friend than cake.
YANBU Op.

BigBoobiedBertha · 30/08/2013 16:41

Agree with Jackie - this isn't about cake at all. Read the first paragraph of the explanation, those who think it is. The OP has supported the 'friend' through her weight lose, had put up with the snide remarks at her expense just so the 'friend' felt better about herself, the OP gave her clothes and supported her whilst she tried to lose weight. There was no thanks for the effort that the OP put into making the friend's birthday a nice day or I suspect anything else.

Cake is just the straw that broke the camel's back. She got to the party late after doing something for the benefit of the friend and there is nothing to eat apart from cake that is boxed up and the friend won't share (and who on earth gets the cake out first cuts it at the beginning of the party and then puts it away an hour into the party?). The OP buys herself something to eat and still the friend has to take some of that away. The friend was a crap hostess, thoughtless and greedy. I don't think the OP sounds like a teenager but the so called friend does. She is a taker and too tiresome to bother with. I don't think the OP is bothered because she has a particular passion for cake that has gone unfulfilled, but she felt used and ignored over many months and several times over the course of the last week or so. This time was one time too many. The OP's mum clearly sees a pattern in the friend's behaviour as I don't think her comments are the result of this week's nonsense so you can only assume that it has been going on a while.

This isn't a one-off spat over cake but a one sided relationship that has run its course. The OP gave the friend the chance by explaining why she is upset but as that didn't clear the air and sort anything out, it is time to leave it.

Original poster

PTFO · 31/08/2013 09:06

Update.

yes the cake is the straw that broke the camels back! It was the last fuck you to far. Along with passing on personal info to a mate of hers.

to be clear there was NO option of getting any food at venue. I did ask and it was only at the end of the night that the barman (took pity) offered a cake out of fridge, he knew I was drinking mocktails as I just couldent keep drinking alchol on an empty stomach.

bday cake was on display/candles/happy bday sung then boxed later in evening and taken home, so as far as I know just her family ate it. I didn't expect her to save food, never crossed my mind, I think it odd that it was out the second everyone arrived and I strongly suspect that there was not a lot. X knew that we wouldn't be eating before we arrived but given the excitement would not expect her to give that a second thought. X has been building up and talking non stop about this party for nearly a year so yes I expected food when we got there.

BIGBOOBIEDBERTHA, your spot on in everything you say, thank you for articulating it for me!

X 'friend' text me yesterday afternoon, after having it out with her the night before. it said happy bday hope you had a good day. nothing else I found that REALLY weird. To deny everything blow up as she did...then text me that. Three people told me not to respond so I didn't.

OP posts:

JackieOHHH · 31/08/2013 09:12

Looks like she's going into denial mode, "if I pretend it never happened, then it didn't happen"
She will most likely think you won't mention it if she doesn't and you can continue as before.
The problem you may have now is...if you ignore her ( which I certainly would!) she becomes a victim.a victim of your cruel and heartless ways.
If you dont ignore her you either go along with her pretence or you have it out with her again.
Either way, people like her are victims, every time, and you will be the hard faced cruel bitch that upsets her.

been there so many times my username should be cruel and heartless bitch

belatedmaybe · 31/08/2013 09:29

You need to stop. Just stop. You are a very good friend to her, invest in the relationship blah blah. She doesn't, you are not a good friend of hers. Sadly people don't always see a relationship the same way. She has made it pretty clear what level she sees you as so why are you knocking yourself out trying to be more? It isn't going to happen or it already would have.

I am/was just like you, it took me a long time to realise it wasn't some kind of judgement on me or failing on my part. It is just that people I viewed as "best" friends didn't see me like that and they were all happy to take what I freely gave but never thought to reciprocate.

Eventually I stopped over investing and more carefully assessed relationships. I am much much happier now and have far more time and energy for my own life!

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