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Original poster

Met a man, are these early red flags or am I over-sensitive?

84 replies

redflags · 29/08/2013 17:40

I met a man recently and we have been talking pretty much everyday for a month and have met up quite a few times now.

There are a few things I don't think I would have picked up on before but since joining mumsnet last year and reading about red flags I wonder if he has some. I've never been in a healthy relationship so my viewpoint is skewed, I could use some opinions from the wise women of MN.

His good points are that he's very driven, outgoing and hard-working. He seems to have everything planned out perfectly for someone my age. Hes funny and we share many of the same interests. He motivates me with my work and offers to help further my career.

Now to the not so good things. He slept round mine last night (only the second time) and decided to go out for the day today. All day he was in a bad mood and very short with me. He perked up a little after lunch but blamed it mostly on being tired and just generally a little moody. Dont get me wrong, everyone has their off days but this is a new, exciting thing!

He takes the piss out of me quite a bit. I'm not overly sensitive and we are playful with each other but he seems to take it too far sometimes when he refers to my looks. Its often disguised as back handed compliments or jokes.

Hes been single for about a year and said he had pretty much given up on women all together as they annoy him. He then pointed out that I'm different because I am more into stereotypical man things and not a girly type.

He expects me to pay for alot of things. He lives about an hour away by car and although I offer to pay for some of his petrol he volunteers that I should pay for lunch or whatever activity were doing.

What do you think? Am I being over-sensitive? I've got pretty low confidence right now anyway because of the last 2 exes.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 20:45

"Back to square one" would be giving this nobhead another chance

PeppermintPasty · 29/08/2013 20:46

Indeed AF.

stiffstink · 29/08/2013 20:47

Oh my word, he is a bully. Don't talk to him, you won't make a jot of difference.

If he's like this when you're lovey dovey just imagine what horrid things he might say if you try to talk about dumping him. You don't need to hear it so don't have the conversation.

Apologies for using the word horrid, I went a bit Enid Blyton.

Bluestocking · 29/08/2013 20:48

Don't bother talking to him - I spent three years of my precious life with a wankbadger like this. He alienated my family and many of my friends, cocklodged (but still had the temerity to send me an invoice for the money he tried to pretend I owed him), made me feel plain and ordinary, and gaslighted me into accepting all sorts of utterly unacceptable choices. If I could go back and do things differently, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole.
Seriously, this pathetic individual doesn't deserve one more minute of your precious time. And you certainly don't want him in your DC's life.

tallwivglasses · 29/08/2013 20:50

How about a quick text: "You're DUMPED, needle-dick"

Original poster
redflags · 29/08/2013 20:53

I wont give him a chance don't worry. Its just that he has a few things of mine that I lent him that I would really like back and I have a few of his too.

I am confident enough (happy even) to be on my own now with just my daughter, thats alot more than I could ever have managed a few years ago.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/08/2013 20:55

Fuck the stuff. DUMP. 'Do one sunshine . . . exactly as AF said.

QuintessentialOldDear · 29/08/2013 20:56

At this point, he should be falling in love with you, adoring your nose, being enthralled by your bottom, not notice your stretchmarks, etc . You get the gist.

There is absolutely NO point talking to him. What for?
He knows what he is saying, and what he is doing. Why else do you think he gives you "career advice"? To show superiority.

NomNomDePlum · 29/08/2013 20:57

i would suggest not even texting him, but perhaps it's best to be clear. don't be afraid to be blunt, now.

TrinityRhino · 29/08/2013 20:58

oh god yes, get rid, dont waste any more time and effort on him at all

keep looking, they are out there

thenightsky · 29/08/2013 20:58

I wouldn't bother talking to him. He'll only 'promise to change'. Bollux. Move on OP.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 20:59

Some bloke who hardly knows me who tried to give me "career advice" would get a flea in his ear just for that. Supercilious twat.

DuckToWater · 29/08/2013 21:00

Is he fit though? Grin

NanTheWiser · 29/08/2013 21:00

All the signs of a classic Narc.

PeanutPatty · 29/08/2013 21:03

This is his behaviour during the "honeymoon period"?

Move along Nasty Cock! NEXT PLEASE!!!!

Anniegetyourgun · 29/08/2013 21:03

The time-honoured phrase is "fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck off some more".

HTH.

ps well done, you have dodged a nasty one there.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/08/2013 21:19

"When are you going to buy me lunch?" That's a red flag for me.

AS IF they are Adonis presonified and we would be universally honored to bask in their presence and should of course feel it a privlege to buy them lunch, or dinner, or move house to be near them because they are just so fucking awsome!

My go to response, look them in the eye, seriously: "Never"　And do the little thing with your feet that creates distance...yes, walk away...ends the conversation.

RF, I agree that you are not back to square one at all. You have removed yourself from a previous bad relationship, you have been on your own for awhile, and now you have experience, and knowledge, and self respect , (and MN Wink ), and the power to walk away from this man with 100% meta-physical certitude that it is the right thing to do.

AF's termination line is excellent if you feel you must give a statement. And yes to do it by text...do not give him the satisfaction of having one more second to degrade you again. Imho, he does not deserve the respect of a communication of letting him know. Just stop responding, cold turkey. He will figure it out (and it is nice he does not live that close to you.)

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/08/2013 21:20

That was simply "never"
&#12288....?

AmberLeaf · 29/08/2013 21:34

Post his things to him and forget the stuff of yours that he has. losing them along with him will be worth it in the long run.

ProphetOfDoom · 29/08/2013 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingfreedom · 29/08/2013 22:09

You deserve better...whoever you are...he's a prize tosser

bestsonever · 29/08/2013 22:38

Be more careful with your stuff in future, one month from a longish distance seems way too soon to lone stuff that is important out. You cannot know someone that well in that period of time. And what kind of person goes on the scrounge to loan from a woman he's only just met?
You only have what he says about his life to go on, anyone can claim to be driven and hard-working. Without the proof that comes with more time dating and meeting their friends, family and seeing where and how they live, you are working blind so don't part with anything you don't want to lose - including money. This is the problem of OD, less is known but somehow things can progress too fast.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2013 22:44

OP, does he owe you money ?

Buzzardbird · 30/08/2013 14:11

I would text "my witch's nose can smell a rancid little cock...do one weasel face". He will probably bring your stuff around anyway do that he can tell you how "you can't take a joke". Answer "i did, but I'm bored of him now"

LumpySpace · 30/08/2013 14:23

LTB