How to ask a friend to stop giving me presents

[SixPackWellies]

I am really at my wits end on this. I have a friend that i see once every two weeks or so. Every time i see her she is giving me things. Last time I saw her, for example, she gave me two books, three magazines, a t-shirt for my youngest, lego, a pack of maltesers and a pot of jam. For Christmas she gave me 4 recipe books, two bottles of wine, a necklace etc. Literally, every time I see her she has bought something for me and usually the children. I keep saying to her to please stop it. Last week i said quite forcefully 'please stop buying me things', literally that blunt, and her husband rolled his eyes and said that he kept telling her to stop to because it is 'not as if you reciprocate'. (Damn right i don't. it would spiral out of control). She just laughed and said 'you can't stop me'.

I really cannot stand it. I buy her a small gift for birthday and Christmas, but that is it, and that's normal right? i have no idea why she keeps doing it and i have said subtly over the past year to stop before i really laid it out last week to stop, and she just ignores me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I really do not want to see her.

I have tried the subtle approach and the blunt approach. i have said to her outright that it makes me feel uncomfortable. But she literally just laughed in my face.

Short of just refusing to see her (which is where i am heading) how can I get her to stop?

That would make me really angry and what her husband said was totally outrageous.
Not saying you should at all but I personally would walk away fom the friendship as the underlying power thing would annoy the piss out of me.

Sorry but I can't see what the problem is. She buys you and your D.C's gifts because it's something she likes to do.

And the OP has said it isn't something she likes to have done to her, and has repeatedly asked it to stop. The problem is that this friend doesn't care if her behaviour makes the OP feel crowded, uncomfortable and manipulated. She just wants what she wants.

I'm a gift giver, too. Also a cook. But I know those are to make me feel good as much as the recipient, and therefore I need to be sensitive to how those gestures are received. It's not all about the giver's feelings. And gifts can be quite controlling, from some people, too.

I hope this isn't the case, but does she know that you couldn't afford to reciprocate? Is there an element of pity in her gift giving?

international the problem is she is not respecting her friend's wishes.

Well if I had someone who was always buying me gifts I wouldn't be complaining (just saying) in reply to Wafflyversitile. x
Also in reply to Perfect storm of course the O.P feels what she feels and I'm not here to change her opinion or mindset or yours or any other poster. I've no right to, just as no-one has the right to change mine, and.... This is a public forum and opinions will differ, that's just life... so here we go... If someone thought me controlling as a friend if when I buy them a gift then I'd be very very hurt. x

It's not one gift though its a Santas grotto load every fortnight. And Santas mrs doesn't make sarky comments when he hands over a gift.

I've a friend who does same over generous to the point its embarassing I nor my dc need gifts I'd prefer time spent.

She recently berated me for not telling her (in time for my bday)what I wanted. I had stated I previously no need for anything. But according to her I was still an a** for not knowing what I wanted.

All you can do OP is be a broken record 'thank you for the gifts but really no need and I feel uncomfortable accepting them'

Yes, I think feeling crowded and manipulated covers it really. Also, it does feel like a power thing. The books she got me last time for example are not the sort of books I read or enjoy reading - one was a misery memoir for instance, and then I will get questions by e-mail 'have you read that book yet?'. I don't want to read the damned book!

Also I had not really thought about how I end up feeling guilty and then buying lunch which I do more or less every time. She texted last night about lunch this week, and I have ignored it so far.

I get it.
Personally I think it's a control issue.
It's probably subconscious for her and she probably really likes you. This uber generosity is her way of holding some power in your relationship.
There is always enelement of reciprocity in gift giving. Ppl give to receive (other gifts / thanks / kudos/ a status of generosity).
It makes it difficult if you can't reciprocate in kind but there's obviously something she gets from you that she feels is "worth" the gifts IYSWIM. I know I make it sound Machiavellian but really it's just the way we all are. I would guess that she likes you, considers your friendship worth while and feels good about herself when she buys you things.
Shopping for others always holds an element of control. You're exerting influence over what they wear or eat or read etc.
Some ppl will run around doing favours for ppl they like, some buy gifts, some are super complimentary. This is her version of charisma.
You must be charismatic.

No idea how to stop it though.
But it suits her for you not to reciprocate in kind so don't worry about it.

OMG spooky x post!

Go out and go Dutch, don't pay for her lunch,
Iain possible that she has come o expect that you pay for lunch and the gifts are her way of reciprocating in her eyes??
Or did she start it ?

Oh no she definitely started it. I have known her about 18 months or so. At first just sometimes she would pass on a book she had read, that sort of thing, then at Christmas it went crazy and has not really stopped! At Christmas I got bags and bags of gifts, as did the DCs, as did DH and he never sees her at all! (He does not like her at all, which is pretty unusual for him). It was totally overwhelming!

I like the thought I am charismatic though.

I think you have to stop appearing grateful for the gifts.

She's asking about lunch, tell her only if she's paying as you paid the last N.

Tell her you don't appreciate the books, not your cup of tea.

Tell her you'd like her best without the gifts.

She sounds very insecure and controlling.

Bookwise, it may be just that she wants to share some that she liked so that you have something in common.
Could you ask her about them?

OP: what would happen if you gave the gift back unopened or threw it in the bin in front of her?

It's time to stop being nice.

It's not a nice thing, it is a control thing.

Have you told her clearly that it makes you feel uncomfortable and you want it to stop?

If so, and she persists, then she clearly doesn't care about your feelings and you should stop seeing her.

Yes I have been pretty clear I think, but I have form for waffling as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Sigh. But last time I said really firmly 'Please stop buying me things'. Previously I have said things like ' you really should stop buying me things' or 'I don't need these things, you are being too generous, please stop'. Or 'You are spoiling the Dcs, they have too much stuff anyway, please don't buy them more stuff'. Last week was firm.

I've sent a text back saying I am skint this week, so can't do lunch. (coward emoticon).

Oh my, I have a lovely kind generous very sweet friend who does this too and it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

As we have been friends for 10 years I have just accepted that this is just her. It's not just me that she does this for.

Apart from a small gift at Christmas & birthdays and the occasional bunch of flowers I don't reciprocate.

I will also insist on paying for a meal out regularly. I do feel really bad that I can't afford more.

That seems reasonable (your txt)

Males me think we have the same friend as mine buys dh presents too and rarely sees him as well as tons of stuff for my kids......

I know what you mean about feeling manipulated or guilt-tripped into friendship. It isn't flattering. It happened to me and I felt smothered and resentful. Hints and polite requests fell on deaf ears. In the end I sent a email (I had moved away but the emails, photos and messages about presents kept coming) saying that I didn't want any contact.

I'm at a loss to understand the people on this thread insisting the "friends" behaviour is well meant and should be tolerated by the op. would you say the same if the friend insisted on hugging and kissing the op in a way that made her uncomfortable (perhaps you would god help you)?

H this behaviour is making the op uncomfortable. She has asked her to stop and so it has to STOP. and if any of you do similar to people perhaps you need to reflect on your behaviour.

Oh I hope it didn't come across that I felt sixpack should just put up with it. I just meant she needn't worry about reciprocating. I agree the behaviour is controlling but it may not be intentional, neccessarily.

Oh no I agreed with your analysis - it's contr