How to ask a friend to stop giving me presents

[SixPackWellies]

I am really at my wits end on this. I have a friend that i see once every two weeks or so. Every time i see her she is giving me things. Last time I saw her, for example, she gave me two books, three magazines, a t-shirt for my youngest, lego, a pack of maltesers and a pot of jam. For Christmas she gave me 4 recipe books, two bottles of wine, a necklace etc. Literally, every time I see her she has bought something for me and usually the children. I keep saying to her to please stop it. Last week i said quite forcefully 'please stop buying me things', literally that blunt, and her husband rolled his eyes and said that he kept telling her to stop to because it is 'not as if you reciprocate'. (Damn right i don't. it would spiral out of control). She just laughed and said 'you can't stop me'.

I really cannot stand it. I buy her a small gift for birthday and Christmas, but that is it, and that's normal right? i have no idea why she keeps doing it and i have said subtly over the past year to stop before i really laid it out last week to stop, and she just ignores me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I really do not want to see her.

I have tried the subtle approach and the blunt approach. i have said to her outright that it makes me feel uncomfortable. But she literally just laughed in my face.

Short of just refusing to see her (which is where i am heading) how can I get her to stop?

[Chubfuddler]

Oh no I agreed with your analysis - it's controlling. There were others who seemed to think the friends actions are fine. They're not fine.

[TheBookofRuth]

Have you tried just not accepting the gifts? Surely, if you refused to even take them off her she'd stop eventually.

[Isabeller]

I know you started out focussing on the gifts as the problem but it is starting to sound like you might want a bit more space altogether. It was a good move finding an excuse to avoid lunch this time, perhaps you could find a new regular commitment that makes it easy to reduce the frequency of the lunches if not completely avoid for a while.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

I think this is controlling and passive-aggressive behaviour on her part. She's trying to get the upper hand. I would just refuse to take the gifts. See her at her house and leave them there when you go home, or if you meet for lunch, say "I can't accept these" and leave them on the table. She will give up in the end.

[Therealamandaclarke]

Not sure I like the comment from her DP either, about you not reciprocating.
Are they rubbish friends?

[WafflyVersatile]

It doesn't come across as very nice but maybe it's something he's used to try and dissuade her. 'Have you not noticed that none of your friends reciprocate? If they wanted to encourage this they probably would.'

[Therealamandaclarke]

Hmm. Maybe.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

SixpackWellies,
Imho, garlic's suggestion on reading up on the different kinds of love is a good starting point (I will read it too, thanks for the recommendation)...it can only help to enhance our knowledge of emotional intelligence.

However, since you have said to her clearly, and in no uncertain terms, to knock it off and she literally laughed in your face...that is clearly disrespectful. Is she disrespectful to you in other ways? Little put downs? Last word, one up, corrections, or left-handed compliments? Seemingly petty things, that if you called her on it, she'd turn it back on you as being too sensitive?

The "you can't stop me" comment was very telling: this is a power play. You are a prop. Does it feel like you might as well be a two dimensional, lifesize card board cutout?

I think the dynamic is a use of gifts to manipulate you into feeling a moral obligation to reciprocate. She is buying a license of moral superiority. You owe her, you are therefore her subordinate. Please let us know if she will buy lunch this time (smoothly -sincerity, catty comments-not) or if she waits until the next pay cycle when she may presume you have to have funds now which may give a clue to her motivations.

In my experience with a person like this, (yes to the second, third, and fourth coming of Santa Clause on every visit) I ended up going no contact. The request for birthday cards, as mentioned up thread, was summarily dismissed. The statement to cut back on Christmas lasted one year.

I am not saying you should go no (or very reduced) contact. But if she is making you feel invisible, or if you are having a gut feeling of dreading seeing her, you might consider it. It is ok to trust your DH's gut feeling, too.

[SixPackWellies]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I read Isabeller's comment about me maybe wanting/needing more space and have been thinking about it, and I think that is true. I was coming back to write it and read the other comments, and it really hits home. She is controlling in other ways. What you say also AndTheBand really resonates too.

Not to dripfeed, but I have been frustrated by other things also. I have 3 DCs, and rarely go out. We always go a café, and I usually always have a prawn mayo sandwich. She always comments. The last time we went out she told me I was being boring by always choosing the same thing, and she would not go out with me again unless I chose something other than a 'bloody prawn sandwich'. It really got right up my nose. Also, I am usually first and never late... I have a compulsion to always be on time. One time I had to drop off DC3 late to the minder as she was going to the Dr, and I texted and said I would be 15 minutes late. When I got there, not only had she ordered her meal, she had finished it and then ever since has said 'and don't be late! You are always late!'. Honestly, I am NEVER late.

DH says I come home from lunch with her usually in a rage about something. I feel guilty and like a terrible friend, and like I am just a nasty all round horrible person and so then I arrange the next lunch, and it usually is me arranging it because I feel like I need to give her more of my time.

She drains me. I think her heart is in the right place, and because she has teenage Dcs and works very very part time I think she is bored and I feel guilty about that too, as I am not sure what I am bringing to the friendship.

[PuppyMonkey]

Don't accept the gifts next time, don't acknowledge them, change the subject, don't give them any attention or make an issue out of them. When you leave, leave the gifts on the table or wherever. She might remind you to take them, but walk off as if you can't hear.

It will be hard to do but maybe she'll stop if she gets no reaction from you.

[SixPackWellies]

And I DO like her, although that last post does not sound like it. When she is in a good mood and in good form she is fabulous company.

[WayHarshTai]

God, I actually thought you were talking about my SIL until your last post (SIL has one young child and doens't work).

NO advice for you as I am in EXACTLY the same situation and it is driving me barmy.

[SixPackWellies]

Actually, it was your post about your SIl that made me finally post about it. I have been drafting the original post for months. :)

[racingheart]

Sounds like you need a far more casual and intermittent relationship with her. And you need to get bold. If she criticises your food choice - let her know you choose what you eat when you're out - no one else does. If she says you're late, remind her you're not. Stand up for yourself. Or ditch her. All the liveliness in the world doesn't compensate for eroding, manipulative behaviour.

The best way of knowing whether someone is a friend, imo, is how you feel after you've left them. If you are bouncing along, happy and smiling at funny stuff said and about encouragement they gave to your ideas, they're a friend. If you feel in any way belittled or frustrated, it's a good sign you need to see less of them.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

It is not you, it is her.
Taper off the contact.
Buy the prawn sandwich, plus one to take away.
Regift some of her crap back to her (you found it lying around the house -and have absolutely no use for it -maybe she could use it, "if she liked it enough to buy, then she might like to have it").
Drop hints that you'd really love the diamond tennis bracelet....

But no. She is what is called an emotional vampire. Stay away at the mercy of your own mental health. Seriously.

[Therealamandaclarke]

Love prawn and mayo sandwiches.
Come round to mine. Bring the kids. I'll make you a sandwich.

[WayHarshTai]

It's sounds like such a non problem, doens't it, having someone shower you with gifts.

But it's embarrassing, and frustrating, and I'm never sure whether there's an element of 'your stuff is shit so here's new stuff' about it.

It is very draining.

[SixPackWellies]

Thanks Therealamanda. :)

This thread started about gifts and did move on. I need space, it is clear. Looks like I am going to be 'a bit busy' in the next few weeks. (True... am trying to get a business off the ground).

thanks all.

[ZenGardener]

This reminds me a bit of a friend I had.

The friend sometimes bought me gifts but it was always things she liked, things she thought I should try rather than things she thought I would like, if you see what I mean.

She was constantly offering me advice, even though I never asked for it. Telling me how to reorganize my house, how I should look after my kids, that sort of thing.

I liked her but I just got to the point where I would feel so stressed before seeing her.

I ended up feeling that she was trying to change me into the person she wanted me to be rather than the person I was.

In the end I decided that the friendship was draining me rather than enriching me so I just started ignoring her texts and she stopped. I felt bad though as I think we could have been good friends if she could have just stopped interfering.

Another thing I noticed about our friendship was that we always met on her terms, where she wanted to go, do what she wanted to do.

[garlicbargain]

Good luck with the business! And, yes, it has to take priority.

From your more recent posts, she sounds nearly as weird as Tai's SIL and it's probably best to back-pedal this relationship. The new business is a perfect excuse. Hang onto her if you need someone to buy your new stationery, etc.

You know what you said about your lunches: "she told me I was being boring by always choosing the same thing, and she would not go out with me again unless I chose something other than a 'bloody prawn sandwich'." The first part, "you're predictable", would be normal poking in many friendships, but the last part's dreadful! She's assuming the right to sanction you for your choice of what you eat, and also assuming loss of her friendship is a threat (she may be wrong about that ... )

I'm sure she wouldn't see it that way and it's just a figure of speech to her - but the assumptions behind it are so unpleasant! It can be worth taking people's hidden assumptions seriously.

As you enjoy her company when she's on form, I think I'd still try re-negotiating your relationship. Back-pedalling should help with that. I ought to say I find the 'love languages' books really irritating! They're written by an American pastor, as marriage guidance. The principle, though, is rock solid and has helped me a lot in mismatched friendships. I just thought a gift of the book could make an appropriate starting point for your talks :)

Out of interest, did you ask her why she felt you should read the misery memoir?

[SixPackWellies]

That's why you said not to forget the revolution TherealAmanda. Sorry, took me a while to get it. :)

[high five] :)

[Therealamandaclarke]

[Bubbles6460]

I find it very hard to understand when people have a problem receiving gift's which I perceive as an act of love. It is a joy to give gift's to the people I care about. It is all the about the giving for me looking for nothing in return. It is a way for me to show I care, think of the and love them. I perceive those who cannot receive gladly, having a closed heart, uptight and a closed fist. They are selfish and controlling and need to relax a little and learn to be gracious. More personal development is needed.

[notanurse2017]

Zombie thread!!

[AgentJohnson]

‘You can’t stop me’ was her response! Hells no. She isn’t a friend if she disrespects your boundaries to satisfy her own selfish needs.

Distance yourself and tell her why.