I spent the early years of my marriage trying to build a good relationship with my pils and gpils, even when dh wasn't always entirely comfortable with it. The result of that was no real relationship with them and dh being separated from his brothers because they are seen as children rather than the adults they are.
For three years, up until mil imagining I was pregnant, invites for lunch out, sunday diner, trips to the beach, popping around for a cup of tea and joining us for shopping trips were issued on a regular basis. None of these invites were ever accepted. Mil's sister was the only relative that visited our first home. On the other hand I made sure we attended every family event we were invited to and encouraged dh to interact with his family rather than watch tv. We missed two celebrations in that three years, both because dh was playing sport away from home. We always helped clear up after parties and offered to contribute food or drink, anything given would be given back to us at the end.
After that I let dh do as he pleased, he saw them when he wanted to see them, normally when he wanted to watch a program on sky and occasionally phoned them. I continued to attend family occasions with him and help where I was permitted to.
But we were of no real interest to them until I was pregnant. They were told very early on as we wanted to tell them ourselves and the news was already out where I work thanks to bad morning sickness. Dh does not get calls to congratulate him but has gmil calling him telling him off for leaving it so long before telling mil. We'd known days.
Mil goes overboard buying several prams, a cot, changing unit, her own changing bag, swing, bouncer, bottles, baby bath and lots of all singing all dancing toys. Really excited to be a grandparent, great you'd think. Not so much, fil has to return all these things as they really don't have the space or money or truthfully the need for them.
We get the first appointment to see the midwife, mil can't understand why dh wants to go and not allow her to take his place. Gmil is outraged and again calls dh to tell him mil is broken that she isn't allowed to be included in our pregnancy. I get dh to call her after every appointment to let her know how things were going and we gave her copies of both scans.
All hell breaks loose when my sister attends an appointment for a fasting blood test with me, dh was unable to go so my sister stepped up to look after me. Dh gets another nasty phone call, although we have no idea how they even found out about the blood tests in the first place let alone who went with me. He is told I'm being selfish and to sort me out because it's not fair.
Dh and I agreed between ourselves that if an appropriate opportunity presented I'd take mil to one of my appointments. This didn't happen, I had a relatively easy pregnancy but had lots of long term niggles; sickness, carple tunnel, problems with my feet and legs and bad acid re flux that I wanted to be able to discuss with the midwife in private.
We visited whenever we were invited and issued what invites we were able to, which for once were accepted, we had to cancel plans twice because I was really ill but always rearranged. Gmil and mil were invited to shop for maternity and baby things with me be declined, dh and I took out the things we had to show them on a few of my days off. Every effort was made to include them in our plans and excitement.
My bump wasn't my property and I was often ignored completely and they would think nothing of flipping my top up without warning. Creepy but brushed off as excitement, the dc I worked with were tactile too and loved talking to the baby. Gmil and mil were very resentful of the fact they couldn't feel the baby kick, she was in a funny position so most kicks were internal, dh only felt them once or twice. Dh was told I was turning baby against them and that he should be ensuring baby was awake and active when they visited.
I could no longer help them or go near the kitchen or eat any of the food on offer so he was also told off repeatedly for me being ungrateful. This was also an issue when they visited us because dh had to serve them and I had to leave the room when they had cups of tea, not welcoming at all, but being sick on them would have been much worse. Poor dh lived without tea when I was at home.
Our visits dropped towards the end of my pregnancy but dh and I kept in contact with mil. We were busy with extra scans and hospital appointments because dd had turned breech. Gmil phones as mil is dying of heart break as we've not invited her to scans or passed on any pictures from them; pictures not taken after 20 weeks.
After much heartache I agree to a c section, which had been the last thing I wanted. Dh gives the news to his family, telling then baby will be here on x date and asking them not to raise the issue with me because it's a very sensitive subject. I get a call while dh is at work, gmil, I've turned that baby breech so she and mil can't be at the birth and to have dh call the moment he gets home. I did everything within my power to encourage dd to turn, spent my life on all fours, had acupuncture, went on hours and hours of car and train trips because someone told me it made baby's flip, walked around with frozen peas attached to my bump. Agreeing to a c section was not something I took lightly.
Dh comes home to me in a state and the phone ringing. Gmil tells him his late with his call and calls continuously until he hears what she has to say. Mil has been beside herself all day, she's cried her heart out and wants to die, but he can make it alright, fil has looked up the hospital policy and a birthing partner can be there. Mil is waiting for our phone call asking her to be there.
We don't want this, I want dh and I'm not even comfortable with the idea of my mum being there. When he doesn't crumble the two days leading up to the c section are filled with text messages and answer phone messages telling dh he won't cope. His brother is dispatched and tells him this in person and reminds him about the time they spent in hospital as kids.
My mum has talk dh into coming in with me on the day of the section and sits in the cafe in case she is needed. Dh is my rock and spends the first 30 minutes of dd's life holding her.
When I'm out of recovery and back on the ward dh calls mil to give her the good news, she is happy for us but when told the time dd was born scolds him for making her pace the house with the phone for so long. It's only then that my mum is informed, she leaves without stepping foot on the ward.
Dh eventually leaves us for the night but before he goes home my mum drives him out to mil and they are shown dd's first photos together at the exact same moment in time.
Do you think dh's extended family were pleased for him and might call to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter? No. Late night he get gmil on the phone, how dare we exclude mil from her special day, wicked's mum was in the theater, she held the baby and cut the cord, she got to take the first photographs of the baby. He is really shaken and is still upset when he comes back to me the next morning.
Once we know what's going on with the day, dh calls to invite his family to visit. They are asked to come at 3 and reminded of the hospital's visiting rules; two visitors at a time and no children (just new baby's siblings) meaning dh's cousins can't visit us.
As usual they turn up on mass at 2. The hospital is strict, turn cousins away and allow gmil and mil to enter the ward. My sister, who rushed home from uni to pay us a flying visit is turned away because they refuse to leave and allow her in and the stand outside the thin curtains while my wound is checked, catheter is removed and I'm helped out of bed for the first time. They huff and puff about dd being kept in the cubical with me while this is all done. They don't leave until my parents arrive 3 hours later for their first visit and say to the midwife in charge that we might need some space. The midwife somehow manages to move them on, but only if dh leaves with them. Fil, bils, mil's sister and her husband miss the chance to see us and have spent hours clogging up the maternity waiting room.
Gmil places an complete to the hospital about their treatment on mil's behalf; being made to leave cubical in their visit, number of visitors restricted, children excluded and being made to leave before visiting hours were over.
That's our pregnancy drama. Anyone want more to understand the history with the in laws? Even without dh's personal issues there's more gmil phone call, lots of refused contact and more complaints against the community midwife and health visitor.
We've always forgotten things for the sake of family, didn't blink at dh's savings being with drawn before we were married or mil causing trouble when dh changed jobs. But I must have chosen the wrong people to try to shelter dd from because their her blood and that means there is nothing horrific enough they can do to justify me loosing my temper with them once. Yes I overstepped the line and was mean to mil, but this is a group of people who have no idea any sort of line exists.
Anyone want to suggest I grovel and ask for forgiveness?
I'd love to be making this up. I look back and laugh that I once considered mil a friend and was pleased I wouldn't end up being the dil with mil problems.