finally lost my temper with the inlaws, mil and gmil related!

[wickedwithofthenorth]

My in laws are very strange and toxic people. Have always been able to keep at a distance from them until dd arrived.
They do a lot of talking behind our backs and like to twist and blow things out of all proportion. Tonight I've given them something to really be upset about. I finally lost it and shouted at mil.
I'm normally a very calm and patient person, working with under 3s will do that to you, I've never ever come even remotely close to losing it like I did tonight.
Gmil called less than 10 minutes after dh arrived home from work, and her first words were 'why haven't we seen that baby'. We've not heard from only one other than bil for almost a month but in that time have tried to call, sent texts and emailed recent photos of dd, we've had one text back in that time.
Dh in his own words "can't be bothered with them" and has put off calling them because we can never do anything right so why try. He likes the quiet life and to do things he enjoys.
So for the first time since we've been together he actually tells gmil the truth, not that his listened to, but he tries. She lists our faults and moans about me keeping the baby to myself when they visit, 'she always takes her off to feed or change whenever we get close'.
I make the choice to listen to all of this because gmil is very used to manipulating people to get her own way and I hate it. Dh refuses to let me talk to her and eventually gets her off the phone. I'm furious and shaking with rage at this point, I tell him I'm texting mil to say this is unacceptable and he tells me not to be mean so I agree to call her instead.
Mil tells me she is sorry and she told gmil not to call us, I state that I can't accept that behavior and will not have dd around it. Mil then tells me that she isn't welcome in our home and she feels ill after visiting us, having her round is like a royal visit and dh waits on her hand a foot, she's the one who refuses to take off her coat. Since dd was born I've tried to include and welcome her but the fact of the mater is dh and I do things very differently from her. We're very informal people and live relatively simply (we buy enough to feed our small family of 3, not an army) and unless it's for work we live day to day doing what works for us. We've fallen into an attachment style of parenting and don't play pass the baby for the sake of it.
Mil is going on at us about lack of contact and I snap and tell her dh has recently only spoken to her when handed the ringing phone. She goes onto say they used to be such a close family and dh would never do that. I hand dh the phone and she descends into hysterics despite yelling at me seconds earlier. He gets her to give fil the phone who tells him this is unacceptable and he knows what gmil is like, before ending the call to calm mil down.
I'm well a wear this was the least sensible thing to do, but I'd reached my limit. As explained to dh I felt like I'd be violated and attacked in my own home and that my inner mama bear had been poked and was not happy, I needed to protect and defend my family. I'm not proud of losing my temper that way but I was pushed too far and have ignored similar instances in the past, I couldn't bring myself to do it again.
I am sorry that mil feels the way she does and for her being upset by the things that were said but they needed to be said. Dh is surprisingly alright with what I said, he isn't angry at me but apprentice about what will happen next and if there will be any relationship with his family, particually bil.
I've said I want nothing to do with gmil or mil until they both apologize and do not want dd anywhere near either of them until such a time. If I got an apology I would apologize to mil for how she was made to feel but state that I could only be pushed so far.
Gmil is the one at fault here and mil has received the brunt of my rage, but she is the one who has given a woman who is known to behave this way fuel for her fire, so has to accept some blame to. I know she is feeling just as violated as I do. I have some level of blame too and know things won't ever be the same but I think I'm okay with that and there might be the slightest chance in laws could learn from this, hell will probably freeze over first...
Now just waiting for the fall out and what may or may not happen tomorrow.
Really needed get that out, hope to sleep now.

[BigBoobiedBertha]

I don't know about this being a classic turn it upside down and blame the wrong person thread at all. It seems to that it is actually been a classic drip feed with a tidal wave at the end from the OP.

As the OP stood, I stand by my earlier post that she might need to take some of the blame and that a regular, pre-arranged meet up might be the way to go. There is a clearly a some bad feeling but some semblance of a relationship could have continued for the sake of your DD.

Obviously after the last post you wouldn't be unreasonable to cut them off, they sound awful, but that wasn't at all clear from the OP. I realise you were having a rant, OP, but, apart from the mention of MIL saying you were pregnant when you weren't, there was precious little back story. I am sorry if you are upset.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

No, you could tell from the beginning the in laws were being unreasonable. Some people are just perverse though.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

My in laws are very strange and toxic people.

They do a lot of talking behind our backs and like to twist and blow things out of all proportion.

I'm normally a very calm and patient person, I've never ever come even remotely close to losing it like I did tonight.

Gmil called less than 10 minutes after dh arrived home from work, and her first words were 'why haven't we seen that baby'.

From the first four lines of the OP.Which bit did you think was a lie, Bertha?

[ElaineVintage]

My goodness They have got to be the worst examples of toxic I have ever had the misfortune to hear about. You have every right to never want these people near you again. So sorry you have had to deal with this stress and abuse. Wash your hands free of these awful people and be happy again! All the best. x

[pumpkinsweetie]

My lord they are Toxic with a capital T!!! Your pregnancy & birth don't even sound like your own, jeez i'm surprised you have held it together this long tbh!

Lifting your top up, blaming you for your baby being breech, expecting to be at midwife appointments....omg, my mil was awful in my late pregnancies, determined for a boy, and insisted on being at my home for my arrival, along with my at the time obnoxious niece. That was bad enough, but fucking hell even they aren't a patch on this regarding babies!!

I'm non contact now thank god, maybe you should think about severing ties, they sound all consuming!

[EldritchCleavage]

OP, just let your DH lead here. He knows these people. If he doesn't want them around (and I can well see why) then don't push for it out of any sense of duty or guilt.

I too think they sounded odd and unreasonable from the off. the supposedly bang-on analysis upthread came across as ludicrous over-elaboration to me.

[Mandy21]

I haven't read all of the replies but can only give you the benefit of my experience. I also had a problem with my MIL when I'd just had children - up until they arrived, I'd been more than happy to play the doting DIL and just fitted in with her and her constant demands on DH (MIL was on her own). After I had children, they became the priority and the dynamic of the family changed (obviously) but she never really accepted that (the DH's family was now us and not her) and it all came to a head and I did the same as you - shouted at her (in person), told her how I felt.

Long story short - at the end of the day, she will always be DH's mother, and the grandmother of my children. I wrote to her saying I was sorry for the way I said what I said, but I wasn't sorry for what I said. I did apologise though (she never did) but thought it was worth doing so that my DH didn't feel caught in the middle. Its hard, every Christmas, every birthday etc, if there is an atmosphere. It just causes upset and angst for your DH having his mother and his wife at war.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but its a really tricky situation. If you can bring yourself to resolve this, for all of you, including your DD, I would advise it.

[wickedwithofthenorth]

Dbil is keeping dh in the loop about what is happening with the rest of the in laws.
Dh wants nothing to do with mil or gmil at the moment but is in contact with fil by email for the first time in his life. Mil's sister and her husband are being very supportive of dh as gmil and mil have also been causing lots of problems between them. Mil is blaming gmil for everything, despite admitting to bil that she put her up to calling dh, apparently she is planning to visit the gp tomorrow and ask for a referral form counseling. Dh wants to keep doors open because of this in the hope she might finally agree to family counseling to help deal with his some of his childhood issues. She's never admitted to needing help before, she's been offered various referrals since dh was 16, but I won't personally be holding my breath.
As for drip feeding, that was not intentional, more a thinking process to justify to myself I wasn't being awful to them without good reason. If I'd actively kept a record of their wrongs at the fore front of my mind I'd probably be a nervous wreck.