Really need your help and advice please-struggling with parent in laws :-(

[frocksyrocksy]

A month before I fell pregnant my father died which was really hard but falling pregnant seemed like a blessing from him and gave myself and my mum a new focus which was exciting. When I was 20 weeks pregnant my partner and I found out it was a boy and instantly I said his middle name should be my fathers name which my partner immediately agreed with. Upon telling his mother and father they turned their noses up but I didn't address it at the time and they didn't proceed to say anything else on the matter. I had a very traumatic labour, I had to have an emergency cesarean as bubba was too big to have a natural birth (10lb2) and they found a tear in my uterus, I lost 6 pints of blood and it was all very touch and go for both bubba and I and we had to stay in hospital for a week due to an infection we both had. The week I was discharged I was still in agony and still heartbroken about the birth going the way it did but I kept focused as I was utterly in love with my boy and we were very lucky to be alive. The night before we went to register his name, my partners mother whispered to him could our sons middle name be the same as my partners fathers middle name. I was absolutely gutted, they had all that time to address the issue and couldn't even ask me face to face. I said no as there were obvious reasons we'd chosen his middle name to be my fathers name and asking the night before registration was just not on. As you can imagine it ruined the day as mother in law proceeded to make it all about her, she got upset and phoned my partner to say she was sorry however never to this day has she apologised to me. Since then, his parents proceed to do things behind my back, such as take family photos without me there. She'll just turn up to see him and failing that will call my partner who is at work to ask when she can see him. I can't understand why they treat me with such disregard, I get on with absolutely everyone, I hate conflict or wrong doing and always try to do the best by people. However when it comes to them I'm at the end of my tether. They just seem to have no respect for me and I feel pushed out. It has almost split my partner and I up and 6 months on I'm still heartbroken about it all and it has tarnished what should be a glorious time. What's worse it we have to go away with them for a week soon for a family holiday, I'm absolutely dreading it. What should I do? Am I overreacting? Shall I just get over it? I'm desperately sad :-( please help x

"Curlew, everybody is entitled to their opinions and views that's why we have these blogs so please be respectful to that."

You asked for help and advice. If by that you mean tell you that I agree with you regardless, then please say so. There are plenty who will- any mention of PIls on here brings out loads of people who will agree with you- up to and including seeing a solicitor about harassment.

If you want a measured view from a stranger of how the situation looks, then I will give you that. And that is that from what you have said your PIL have done nothing wrong. Unless there is much you haven't told us, and of course there may well be, they will be hurt and baffled if you confront them, and with good reason. And you will undoubtedly look as if you are the unreasonable one. Your son will presumably love and spend time with his grandparents as he has a right to do. Building good relationships now is incredibly important. And I don't think the way you are thinking of going will do that.

I wrote that comment in response to your comment about the other mumsnetter mentioning a solicitor.

Of course I want all comments, I am not looking for everybody to agree with me. I wanted the diverse feedback I knew I would get. I appreciate it. At the end of the day, I can not get across on a computer screen what my PILS are truely like or everything they have done to my partner and I. It's really just confirmed what I initially thought and thats that my partner and I will do what is best for us as a family.

I'm in Camp Curlew tbh. You are coming across on here as very over-sensitive and rather uptight. Obviously, I'm only going on what you've said so far, but from that I really can't see what dreadful things pil have done.

Surely if you want some pictures of all three of you, you ask somebody to take some pictures of all 3 of you? And the 'harassment' and 'toxic' things sound rather OTT to me, certainly based on what's been said so far.

I think that you are still grieving (which of course is understandable) but that part of that is being hyper-sensitive to anything which doesn't constitute right/perfect in your eyes - so you in-laws wouldn't be able to do anything right at this time, whatever they did - because they are not your dad. Driving a rift between yourself and your dp and his parents isn't going to help.

I really doubt they will be baffled by the middle name issue as it wasn't that long ago and she knew she was wrong for doing it as she apologised to my partner. She should have given me an apology too though out of respect not just as a human but as the mother to her grandson. I really don't know whether I will confront them with my partner or not. I initially thought it would be good to clear the air before the holiday as it's like a black cloud for me and if they do or say anything similar on holiday, it's going to spoil it. Again this is something that will need to be discussed with my partner.

Many people who fortunately do not come from emotionally unhealthy families can often take the view that the person on the receiving end of such awful behaviour (and even your man admits that they have been difficult) is somehow reflected as this person on the receiving end somehow being "too sensitive". You are not being too bloody sensitive frocksy.

As for the Solicitor I did write the words "as yet" as part of my response and I accepted in that response also it is not something that the OP may want to do. I was being watched like that over a period of months I would want to inform someone in authority. Its creepy and completely oversteps the mark re boundaries.

I haven't made any refernces regarding 'toxic' or 'harrassment'. I am also the least uptight person you could ever meet. I obviously haven't got the issue across properly and should have divulged everything that has happened. That is my mistake. As for looking for everything to be perfect, i disagree, I am not a fantasist. I'm very much a realist and know that family members have their struggles and differences and would never want to cause a rift between anyone. If you read all of my posts you'll realise that is not my intention at all. My father wasn't perfect as nobody is and I would never damn my in laws just for the sake of it. Of course they have their nice moments, however they have done things to upset me but unfortunately i have not explained it well enough.

I'm sure that will be my IL's answer if approached Attila 'Too Sensitive' ;-)

I am all for a good "kick the shit out of the inlaws" thread and I usually indulge in it quite a bit, but I too think you are being way OTT about all this. These people are your OHs parents, and unless there is a whole other story here you are being totally ridiculous.

And as for talking about solicitors, for Gods sake, get a grip.

you have all gone way off. I have not once spoken about SOLICITORS! Read my posts by FROCKSYROCKSY and you will see what I have said before you carp on at me about being OTT with SOLICITORS and TOXIC IL's

Atilla- please could you tell me what the "awful behaviour" here is? I honestly don't understand.

I know it wasn't you mentioned solicitors, frocksy, don't worry.

You are not being 'too sensitive' frocksy. As other posters have said, trust your feelings here. You do not have to 'get over' anything or 'just forget it'. Listen to yourself and what you are feeling.

I can understand why you are so upset by what has been going on. Emotionally abusive behaviour doesn't just mean screaming or swearing in somebody's face, it's often much more subtle than that, so much so that it can make you feel that you're going crazy! I have an extremely unhealthy family dynamic so a lot of what you described rings a bell with me. As Attila said, it's all about control.

I think some posters on here, with the very best of intentions, don't understand what it's like to be in a situation like you describe.

I completely agree that you should not send that letter, and not have any kind of discussion with his parents where you open up about how they make you feel. They sound like the sort of people who would just not be able to listen, for whatever reason. Any information you disclose will most likely be used against you. What you need to start focusing on is what you need, what you would like to happen, and then do all you can to make sure it happens. Try not to spend too much time analysing their behaviour (very difficult I know!).

Please keep posting

Its awful how such a suggestion and that is all it was (with the proviso attached to my initial post on this matter as well) has been taken out of context and mauled about as it has been.

His parents Dad is a bully and calls her only "bird" or "girl". That is disrespectful at the very least. His mother uses tears to get her own way, its very manipulative. OP has never been accepted into this family and likely never will be hence all the rubbish thrown at her re the photos with OP being left out, not least of all the trouble they caused over the child's name.

My original post was really just about the way I have felt my IL's have disregarded my feelings in certain circumstances and been insensitive. It's not a tirade aginst my IL's, I have no intention of hurting their feelings or causing a rift. My main aim is to unify our family so we all get along and there will always be a happy atmosphere especially for the new generation that has entered our family in the last couple of years. I must stress though that my IL's have a favourite child, their daughter and my partner has never been perfect enough in their eyes. My FIL has put down and degraded my partner all his life with negative remarks and derogatory comments. He is an emotional and verbal bully and I don't want this behaviour to carry on especially not for my son to witness. My IL plays the matyr a lot however she is very mnaipulative and sly so it does not wash with outsiders such as myself. I know perfectly well families all have their ups and downs, thats the fun of life however they are disrespectful towards me and I should have written my original post more carefully going into more detail and duvulging more instances that have happened. I just felt like it would have been too long winded. I thank you for all taking to time to read my post and reply with your advice and own experiences. Best Wishes to you all

What "case" would you actually present to a solicitor regarding this situation, Attila???