Really need your help and advice please-struggling with parent in laws :-(

[frocksyrocksy]

A month before I fell pregnant my father died which was really hard but falling pregnant seemed like a blessing from him and gave myself and my mum a new focus which was exciting. When I was 20 weeks pregnant my partner and I found out it was a boy and instantly I said his middle name should be my fathers name which my partner immediately agreed with. Upon telling his mother and father they turned their noses up but I didn't address it at the time and they didn't proceed to say anything else on the matter. I had a very traumatic labour, I had to have an emergency cesarean as bubba was too big to have a natural birth (10lb2) and they found a tear in my uterus, I lost 6 pints of blood and it was all very touch and go for both bubba and I and we had to stay in hospital for a week due to an infection we both had. The week I was discharged I was still in agony and still heartbroken about the birth going the way it did but I kept focused as I was utterly in love with my boy and we were very lucky to be alive. The night before we went to register his name, my partners mother whispered to him could our sons middle name be the same as my partners fathers middle name. I was absolutely gutted, they had all that time to address the issue and couldn't even ask me face to face. I said no as there were obvious reasons we'd chosen his middle name to be my fathers name and asking the night before registration was just not on. As you can imagine it ruined the day as mother in law proceeded to make it all about her, she got upset and phoned my partner to say she was sorry however never to this day has she apologised to me. Since then, his parents proceed to do things behind my back, such as take family photos without me there. She'll just turn up to see him and failing that will call my partner who is at work to ask when she can see him. I can't understand why they treat me with such disregard, I get on with absolutely everyone, I hate conflict or wrong doing and always try to do the best by people. However when it comes to them I'm at the end of my tether. They just seem to have no respect for me and I feel pushed out. It has almost split my partner and I up and 6 months on I'm still heartbroken about it all and it has tarnished what should be a glorious time. What's worse it we have to go away with them for a week soon for a family holiday, I'm absolutely dreading it. What should I do? Am I overreacting? Shall I just get over it? I'm desperately sad :-( please help x

I wouldn't necessarily post that letter! Writing it may be therapeutic enough for you to deal better with them moving forwards.

Can I suggest you think very carefully before you post the letter? Because unless there is loads more you haven't said, I honestly can't see what they have done that's so bad. We have some lovely photos of our children with just one side of the family or the other- as well as plenty with both. There's one I particularly like of my ds with his dad, grandad and great grandad. And maybe you mil hadn't thought of using th other name? Or whispered to your do so he could decide whether or not he wanted to suggest it to you?
I would regard writing the letter as therapy- but don't actually post it.

FWIW I think your IL's asked your DP in order to gauge his reaction rather risk upsetting you. As they had the conversation with him, it might not have occurred to them to apologise to you as well.

If it was me, I would put it behind me and concentrate on the future. If you need any specific type of support then ask them - I think they only want to help. I would not send a letter.

Are you going to ask your husband's thoughts on the letter first?

The family photos, were they taken by a professional or a relative/friend? Were they done at their house or at a studio?

All of the upset here could be down to misunderstandings rather than malice.

I agree with headless. If my mum wants to know something about the children, she tends to ask me. MIL tends to ask DH. I don't think this is MIL cutting me out, just asking her own child as he is the natural first point of call. Since she asked your DH about the name, she also apologised to him.

In terms of the name, perhaps she thought that if your DS had your dad's name, he might also have the other grandfather name too? Although I know this misses the point of honouring your dad as he isn't around, this might have seemed logical to her. So while I think your MIL should have left the naming issue alone, I don't think it is necessarily meant to be horrible.

Also, when you say "secret photo session" - was it a pre-arranged studio photo or did they just take loads of pics of your DH, the baby and the family? There are millions of pictures of DH and his siblings with our two kids that I don't happen to be in. I never thought it was any sort of slight. There are lots of the DC and me with my mum and no DH too.

I think if you are going on holiday together, don't post that letter. It is fine to feel hurt but you could probably deal with it in a less formal way that doesn't escalate things or put down in black and white a situation which may have shades of grey.

Hope things improve for you.

OP this is what I did and unfortunately it didn't go down well with the in laws and resulted in months of not speaking however for us it just proved that we were right in what we were feeling.i think you do have to be prepared for the backlash and of course discuss it with your DH but if you believe in what you have written then you should do what you think is best.for me just couldn't let things lie because the situation would have continued and upset me even more.

Also before I wrote to IL we had a conversation about our issues with them and nothing changed so writing to them was my last option as speaking changed nothing.

Please don't post the letter.

Take it out of the envelope and re-read it in a week's time. Show it to your dp if you want, but don't ever send the letter.

If necessary, sit down with your dp and in-laws and have a conversation with them.

My partner knows everything that has gone on, I don't keep him in the dark about anything, he's witnessed it all for himself. He knows what they are like but says they've been like that all his life so he's used to it and doesn't realise how it can affect people outside of the family. He wanted to go over and have it all out with them however I felt he wouldn't get my feelings of hurt across. He has read the letter as have my mum and best friend and they all say it is a very well written letter and my partner is going to give it to them personally and be with them while they read it. There were more things that went on, they are insensitive people and quite manipulative and I don't feel I should just put up with it as I am not that way towards them. I do express in the letter I'm not looking to criticise them in anyway, just wanted to clear the air so we can all move forward. I would not be able to discuss it as emotions would run high. I would find it impossible to explain without tears getting in the way and his father would make a derogatory comment and his mother will get upset too. This way they can read the letter, express their feelings to my partner and he can explain anything further.

I hope you have thought twice about posting this let alone getting your man to hand it to them!. This is a bad idea all round.

You are of the mindset that if you were to write such a letter it would clear the air. Unfortunately you are dealing with his parents who are dysfunctional so "normal" ways of moving forward here do not at all apply. The way forward with his parents is to present a united front to them. If they do not or cannot behave civilly they do not see you, your man or their grandchild.

Such a letter will be used against you. They will go on the attack if they receive such a missive from you and will further confirm in their eyes that you are the unreasonable mad one here. It will not end well for you, you will be attacked verbally by them and called unreasonable. How your man will defend you then is certainly open to question; he likely feels torn as it is between them and you.

The tears that his mother employs are designed purely to manipulate and gain sympathy. Her H, your man's Dad, enables her behaviour to continue. He is also playing a role here; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. He like many such weak men is a bystander who has and acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

I am sorry to say that your man is going to actually have to man up and defend you (and by turn his child) far more than he has done to date. His own boundaries re his parents needs too to be a lot higher than they have been. He certainly needs to realise that their behaviour does affect others particularly your good self as his partner and they are not as nice.

The "normal" rules of dealing with such people go out the window because these two are not emotionally healthy human beings.

Okay looks like a two to two instead of the letter it is then

OP- please could you try and explain on here what they have done to upset you so much? Obviously it's more than you have said already, because you haven't said anything that could warrant such a strong reaction from you.

Could you tell us a bit more of the story?

Two to two?.

Sorry for my ignorance but does this mean you and your man are going to meet up with his parents for a chat?.

Again such a confrontation (I call it that because it could too easily descend into such very quickly) will not end well for you and you could end up feeling emotionally battered. Your man will not know where to put himself; he will have divided loyalties between you and they.

He is also part of the problem here I am sorry to say. He needs to realise that his primary loyalty is now to you and your child, not his parents. He likely still seeks their approval even now.

Op
You could have compromised on 2 middle names for fear of offending

I agree with attila regarding toxic in laws but at least you are invited to a family holiday and they call around to see the baby..

The OP has said absolutely nothing to suggest that these are toxic in laws. They might be, obviously, but not on the strength of what's been posted so far.

The reasoning I was upset about the photos was because we hadn't been out of hospital that long and we hadn't even had a chance to get a photo of the 3 of us. It just would have been nice to be part of the first photos taken. I wouldn't mind at all if they did it now. Also I've never been shown the photos which I find odd. The night she asked about the middle name I was in the house too and when somebody whispers in the company of another it is really bloody rude regardless of their intentions. Also they had 6 months to discuss us having the middle name as the one they wanted or both with my fathers name but waited until the night before we were registering his name and I was physically and emotionally exhausted from just getting out of hospital. To me that's insensitive especially from a woman who has experienced the typical after birth emotions. I do not have PND, my doctor has given me the 2 & 6 month all clear with no problems.

Many people fortunately come from emotionally healthy families where this sort of nonsense is completely unknown. Unfortunately not all grandparents are kind and loving at all.

OPs man has himself stated that his parents are insensitive and his dad is a know it all bully. Mum seems to enjoy being manipulative by turning on the tears to gain sympathy. They certainly have no respect at all for the OP and have tried pushing her out on more than one occasion. Even my MIL (and she is a nasty piece of work of the first order) would not dare to arrange a family photo without me in it.

You have not been shown the photos because you are not in any of them. Therefore they think that showing you these is no point at all. Its all a control issue.

His father never refers to me by name, it's 'Girl' or 'Bird' When it's just my partner and I with them they talk to me but at family gatherings they say no more than 2 words to me. It's just strange. I'd rather not have to write down every single thing they have done as it would be hugely long winded. My FIL has always verbally bullied my partner and I won't let it happen to me or my son!

Also I would have included the middle name they wanted if they had asked earlier and my partner wanted it too in an instant however he didn't want it. To this day they refuse to recognise his middle name as my fathers name as when I refer to lo by his first and middle name they'll completely ignore it so there is obviously an issue there for them. Not just me.

They're both still emotionally bullying your man even now.

His Dad sounds like an emotionally stunted human being and his wife collaborates in it. They are both as awful as one another.

It is not your fault or your man's that they are this way. That blame is laid at the door of their own birth families; btw do you know anything at all about their childhoods?.

OP I have had major issues with my ILs in the past. We tried talking and reasoning with them and I'm sorry to tell you that it made no difference. I really wouldn't send that letter.

What did help though was changing my attitude towards it all. Now I just let MIL get on with some of her silly behaviour (she is another one for requesting pictures of "the family") and now I try to see it as amusing more than anything that it bothers her so much. When she buys them crap unsuitable toys I smile and make sure the dcs say thank you and then quietly bin them.

But what's most important is that we also put firm boundaries in place about the stuff that actually matters. I don't think there is much point discussing them, it's better just to start doing it iyswim? So for example, MIL had a habit of arranging very last minute family get togethers, demanding we drop everything to attend and stropping if we couldn't. (You have to prepare yourself for dealing with a certain amount of stroppiness when you put your foot down.) Dh used to get all stressed and start trying to rearrange everything, while moaning at his mum that it wasn't convenient. Now if it's not convenient we just say oh sorry we already have plans - amazingly she is now starting to get the message that if she organises things late, we probably won't be able to come.

Re the name thing, she asked you to use FIL's name, you didn't, she wasn't entirely happy but what you wanted happened. So that's OK isn't it?

I wouldn't sweat the photo thing either. Proud new grandparents do tend to get a bit carried away and want to spend lots of time with/take lots of photos of their new grandchildren. You will have loads of pictures of your dcs with everyone in, it's fine.

I think your best plan is to have a big chat with your dp about how this is all affecting you and agree a plan together about how to tackle it together. Remember you are adults and perfectly entitled to make your own decisions. Good luck with it all!

I think the OP means she and her DH will sit down with the PILs, two on two. I think the letter is a good idea for getting your feelings down and clear in your head, then shred or burn it as it has done its job.

I know your DH is being supportive, but I always think if it was something my family was doing to upset him then it is my job to confront them and stick up for my partner, and vice versa, his family he needs to act.

He needs to be more assertive next time and show them he is not a soft touch and it won't be tolerated. Say no sorry we have already decided on his middle name in memory of his other GF. No let's wait to have photos until next time we are all together. No I am busy at work, can you call frocksy and arrange a time directly to come around. It needs to be nipped in the bud now or these sort of personalities seem to grow stronger iykwim.

No after that behaviour no chance of compromising with two middle names, especially as it seems to me they were not bothered with their daughter using the name, and are doing it on purpose. There will be other babies within the family I am sure needing names.

Both grew up in 2 parent households with siblings so appears from the outside to be normal loving families. The mother has no backbone as I feel it's slowing been chipped away by the father who is very controlling and not an openly loving or caring man. Whereas I'm openly loving with my partner, my son and family. We're just very different people. It still baffles me how my partner is so different to his parents.