Really need your help and advice please-struggling with parent in laws :-(

[frocksyrocksy]

A month before I fell pregnant my father died which was really hard but falling pregnant seemed like a blessing from him and gave myself and my mum a new focus which was exciting. When I was 20 weeks pregnant my partner and I found out it was a boy and instantly I said his middle name should be my fathers name which my partner immediately agreed with. Upon telling his mother and father they turned their noses up but I didn't address it at the time and they didn't proceed to say anything else on the matter. I had a very traumatic labour, I had to have an emergency cesarean as bubba was too big to have a natural birth (10lb2) and they found a tear in my uterus, I lost 6 pints of blood and it was all very touch and go for both bubba and I and we had to stay in hospital for a week due to an infection we both had. The week I was discharged I was still in agony and still heartbroken about the birth going the way it did but I kept focused as I was utterly in love with my boy and we were very lucky to be alive. The night before we went to register his name, my partners mother whispered to him could our sons middle name be the same as my partners fathers middle name. I was absolutely gutted, they had all that time to address the issue and couldn't even ask me face to face. I said no as there were obvious reasons we'd chosen his middle name to be my fathers name and asking the night before registration was just not on. As you can imagine it ruined the day as mother in law proceeded to make it all about her, she got upset and phoned my partner to say she was sorry however never to this day has she apologised to me. Since then, his parents proceed to do things behind my back, such as take family photos without me there. She'll just turn up to see him and failing that will call my partner who is at work to ask when she can see him. I can't understand why they treat me with such disregard, I get on with absolutely everyone, I hate conflict or wrong doing and always try to do the best by people. However when it comes to them I'm at the end of my tether. They just seem to have no respect for me and I feel pushed out. It has almost split my partner and I up and 6 months on I'm still heartbroken about it all and it has tarnished what should be a glorious time. What's worse it we have to go away with them for a week soon for a family holiday, I'm absolutely dreading it. What should I do? Am I overreacting? Shall I just get over it? I'm desperately sad :-( please help x

Thank y

Thank you shoewhore and appleyumyum. My partner has said he'll be more away of things like this in the future as he's so laid back it does go past him and I'll certainly be standing my ground too and nipping all this in the bud now. Funny you mention the late notice functions MIL does that a lot too. Glad I'm not the only one :-)

*aware

I just wanted to double what was said above (by Atilla, I think): the letter won't go down as you intend it, neither would a discussion, because these people are working from a totally different place. From the sounds of things it's like they're speaking a different language to you - and in a way they are, because they are emotionally stunted.

Any letter will be discussed behind your back with other family members.

FWIW, I don't think you were being over sensitive at all, about any of what you've said (and was at how your FIL refers to you). Even if they are proud GPs, it doesn't stop them being able to be considerate.

Stand up to them in the future, but don't give them anything to use against you - especially just before going away with them!

Very true knotenough, my mother has expressed a concern that they will show the letter to other people and mock and it will be used aginst me. It's time now I feel that if something else is said or done in a derogatory manner towards me or my partner I will instantly speak up instead of staying quiet for fear of causing upset. They have never used consideration to prevent upset when it comes to me or my partner and I am now the protector of a little boy and I will not let him be a part of any upset or be witness to anything derogatory comments from his grandparents to his parents :-)

good luck with the letter Frocksy!

I had similar issues with my MIL - she visited me in hospital - I had a c section- and took pics of my baby with everyone except me. - my dh, her other golden son, herself, fil etc etc even groups of them but not one with me. I mentioned it a few days later to my lovely husband and he thought I was just tired and emotional (my dad was dying with terminal cancer at the time so all in all not a good time)
I accepted I probably was, but then there were other things - little snidey comments, they wanted dp to bring the baby to see them - they only lived 10 houses away, knew I was struggling to get about because of the c section (I had an 11 lb 3 baby and it was a very traumatic delivery like yours!) and pain, and they couldnt possibly walk down to ours because it was 'a bit cold out' (they are not old or infirm btw)

anyway MIL phoned dh and said she thought I was not being very nice to them!!! (no idea about this at all - Id always thought we got on very well) dh was sooo cross, but he gave her the benefit of the doubt and invited her down to talk to me,,,she then launched into a tirade about what an awful person I was, she cried and finger pointed and shouted, whilst I sat with my 3 week old daughter on my lap, in shock.

then she flounced off. FIL phoned and said poor MIL shes so upset and dh (who is wonderful) said yes, and so is my wife and so am I. mum behaved very badly etc etc - and we have no idea why!
I left it a few days and then emailed her and said I am willing to let it all go but I think you owe me an apology for shouting at me in my home. she wrote back that we should respect them because they are dh's parents, she didnt commit any 'crime' by doing what she did etc....and we havent seen them since.

looking back I can see this boiling up when I was pregnant, we were looking at new houses - bigger and closer to my work and she didnt like that at all (wanted us nearby where she could control things) she also wanted to look after the baby but we had already decided that DH would be a sahd - which he couldnt wait for - she said it was a 'stupid idea' (actually its turned out very well - he is wonderful!) I think she was jealous we spent a lot of time with my dad (who died shortly after) too bad for her - we knew time was very limitied.
she was always a very controlling woman, with one very definite golden child (her other son) when we told everyone we were expecting she made the biggest fuss over how golden child was going to be the best uncle (never mind what a good father DH would be etc) our daughter was the first grandchild and I think she didnt like the fact the golden son was not in the limelight.

anyway - I have cried many tears over them and being treated how I was, but now I simply think that they are not nice people and my little girl is better off without them in her life. my DP is adamant he does not wish to speak to them, they dont know where we live (we did move) so its unlikely we will be seeing them any time soon..

wow - sorry I waffled on! anyway - maybe your MIL will be more receptive. I really hope so!!

oops I spent so long writing that post - I cross posted!
what I meant to say was, I wished I didnt email now, I should have spoken to MIL in person, but I felt already emotionally battered. the letter might not be the bext way to go. but if they are difficult people, it might be difficult to address it in person

Please don't send the letter. You weren't even there when the pictures were taken- did you expect them to ask permission to take pictures of their own grandchild? And what does "completely ignore"'his middle name mean?

Truly- unless there is much more worse stuff than this, thenplease don't risk a massive bust up- it's just not worth it.

Wow, it sounds like we have the same MIL. My MIL lives 10 houses away which is awful and will just turn up at the door or back fence peering in or over to see if I'm in. My partners sister is their golden child, an angel and my partner was a terror according to them. This is just children to me but they still go on about it. I spend a lot of time with my mother as she is still grieving after the loss of her husband, she now lives alone and her physical health hasn't been great either. We have told them we will be moving at the earliest convenience but they just ignored us. If we don't say something they want to hear they'll just act completely ignorant. I'm glad for you you don't have to endure their company any longer. I'm going to try and confront them but as soon as they get heated over it and try to make me look bad I will simply say this proves my point and walk out of the door and least then my partner will witness their ott behaviour first hand and see that I am only trying to be reasonable and resolve the situation :-)

I was not unfortunately all that surprised to see reference to a golden child i.e your partner's sister. This is a role actually not without its own price but his sister is too unaware to realise that and is well in cahoots with her own mother. It would not surprise me either if his mother has in the past played one sibling off against the other; another common tactic used by narcissistic mothers.

Your man is the scapegoat for all their inherent ills; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your man has been assigned the scapegoat one. Nothing that he or you do will ever be good enough for such horrid people.

What happens if you see this woman peering into your home?. What do you do?. Does your man know she is doing this?. She has a complete lack of boundaries with regards to yourselves anyway by also calling your partner as and when she feels like doing so.

Whether your partner will back you in any confrontation is open to debate. I sincerely hope he does step up to the mark here with his parents, not all men can do this though particularly if they have had a lifetime's conditioning of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

I hope you do move soon - do not give these people your forwarding address!!.

Curlew, I have already stated I wont send the letter however I will be clearing up matters with them as they are insensitive and ignorant. I do not have to take that behaviour from them, I wouldn't accept it off a stranger so I certainly wont be accepting it off them any longer. You may not find what they did a problem but I do. I don't want to divulge the rest as it will be too long winded. If you read the rest of the posts you will see my explanation on the photo thing. I have never said they should have asked permission. As I have already said we didn't even have a pic of the 3 of us so the first photos to be taken it would have been nice to be included too. I wouldn't have a problem if they did it now. I also don't think just being in the know of what they were doing with my newborn son is a lot to ask. We're losing sight of the middle name issue, my hurt is caused by their disregard for honouring my fathers memory. They had 6 months to ask! and waited 16 hours before his name registration. They're still here to enjoy every part of their grandsons upbringing, my father isn't. When I call him by his first and second name in front of them, they give each other a look. Thats rude in eyes

But frocksy- honestly, if the two things you have chosen as examples are the worst...

Most babies have been photographed about a million times before they are a week old- your dp took him to his parent's house- they took pictures. That really is a non issue!

And are you sure they are being funny about the name or just about you using both names? I know that my mum thought I was being ridiculously pretentious when I used to refer to my ds as Samuel Joseph (not his actual name!) - and she might well have exchanged looks over my head about it!

I can completely see why you were upset op, they had four and a half months to broche the surname with you! To whisper to your partner the day of the naming was completely wrong, she shouldn't have done it.
It sounds as though you have been through the mill & your mil seems to be on the sidelines waiting to cause more trouble.

As for the photos, if they were photos of your son alone then yab a bit unreasonable but if these are family shots i can completely understand why you were upset, especially from being left out of a picture when after all you are family.

As for her turning up without saying anything first, that is overstepping the boundary completley. I wouldn't answer the door if she does this again.

Fwiw i don't think you have pnd, whay you have is a toxic inlaw.
And your dh is enabling her.
My ils are toxic and i'm dreading the trouble they cause when i have my baby in january, they caused so much upset with my other dc.

*middle name, not surname silly me

I'll walk into the hallway where she cant see me. She has my number but wont call first. My partner told them 2 years ago turning up unannounced wasn't on but they don't listen and still do it. My own mother wouldn't dare do it so we're not going to let them. Besides it's pretty annoying when you're having a slobby day in your pj's and just want a quiet day at home :-/ My partner will definitely back me as he has seen the upset it has caused me and some of the things they've done have annoyed him. I've pre warned him that his father will no doubt come out with derogatory comments and his mother will just cry and he's agreed that that is probably what they'll do to pass the guilt and blame onto us.

Walking into the hallway where she cannot see you is understandable but this is also perhaps making you feel like a prisoner in your own home. They were pulled up on this two years previously but they did not listen then and likely will not listen now. Your man is I think not strong enough even now to really tell his parents where to go (again due to inbuilt conditioning).

Honestly I would talk to a Solicitor re harassment but this is likely something that understandably you do not want to do (as yet).

His parents will likely go on the attack as soon as they are challenged

I do not think this will ever be resolved as you hope as their dysfunctional attitudes are too deeply ingrained. This "clearing the air" type stuff only works in "normal" emotionally healthy families, not dysfunctional ones with a bully for a dad, a manipulative mother, a golden child sister and the brother as the scapegoat.

"Honestly I would talk to a Solicitor re harassment but this is likely something that understandably you do not want to do (as yet)."

Oh, for goodness sake! Really????????

I second the toxic in laws suggestion, it does change your perspective.

Curlew, I think we may have to agree to disagree. Of course we had lots of photos of bubba on his own, we even produced a really nice one that we framed and gave to his parents which they took out and put in one of their own and said they would have preferred a different photo that we had done for ourselves. Something else that was a bit insensitive to do but I have not made an issue of it. My problem wasnt photo taking at all, they can take photos of him till they are blue in the face. My issue was that it was the first time my son was having photos done with family members and it would have been nice to be in just one of them with them all. To this day, the 3 of us still don't have one of the 3 of us as we haven't had the opportunity. If they wanted to do family pictures now i wouldn't have a problem. My father who past away was not my biological father, he came into my life at a very traumatic time and gave me back hope and love for life, he taught me a huge amount that enabled me to become the person, partner and mother I am today. I was told at a younger age I would find it very difficult to conceive due to burst cysts. A month after he died I fell pregnant and I felt like it had been a blessing from him. Naturally I wanted to honour him in someway and when we found out we were having a boy my partner and I instantly said his middle name should be my fathers name. We told this to his parents who turned their noses up which was hurtful but they never expressed why or that they wanted the middle name to be the same as FIL's. It wasn't until I had been through a hugely traumatic time and 16 hours away from the registration of our sons name that MIL decided to whisper to my partner in the same room could it be the FIL's middle name. Now correct me if I'm wrong but thats inconsiderate and insensitive. 6 months they had to ask. They never asked his sister to do the same when she had their first grandson. Now if you add these 2 things on to about another 15 things it does start to wear you down and begins to become a problem. If you have inconsiderate people in your family who are insensitive and rude, almost in a bullying sort of way you need to stand up for yourself and that is what I will be doing.

Curlew, everybody is entitled to their opinions and views that's why we have these blogs so please be respectful to that.

pumpkinsweetie, lay the law down now as I should have done before lo was born :-/ wishing you lots of luck and strength :-)

yes, it sounds like our MILs could be related. Im so sorry for the loss of your dad - Im struggling with the loss of mine still.
My Ils were horrible people, DH said he always knew they were bullies/controlling and he thinks that I was likely the first person who stood up for herself to them (many friends and relatives in the past have been cut off/disowned because the ILs declared them 'funny') and MIL didnt like it. she also expected dp, her son to take her side and when he did differently she hated it.

you have all my sympathies OP

It is such a daily struggle to without a parent especially when you have a bubba so I really feel for you too and hope it gets better in time. The love for our little ones is definitely the best medicine for turning grief into an easier cross to bear :-)

IL issues are always stressful but OP did your IL even know you haven't have any pics of the three of you together yet back then? If they have gone out and done a professional shoot without you then yes, definitely crazy but how were they supposed to know that taking some pics when baby is around to visit was such a huge issue for you? And once they realise that you were upset wouldn't you feel even worse if they show the pics to you?

She knew we hadn't had the opportunity to do some photos of us. She knew exactly what she was doing leaving me out of the first family photos as that is the sort of person she is. It's been 6 months and I've still not seen them but that is not the issue. It is the principle of it all. Also it's not just the photo issue, that is one of many things that has been done to show disregard towards me and my feelings. My mother would never ever do anything of that sort without including my partner because she is considerate and puts other peoples feelings before her own. MIL is devoid of such emotions.