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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure what to make of it

24 replies

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 10:57

I met someone a few weeks ago via online dating. After the first date he was v keen and we also had a very long telephone conversation where I felt very comfortable with him. Second date we kissed and I went back to his, where there was more kissing but no sex! Third date back to his, still no sex (my choice) but we obviously both wanted to. We've exchanged some quite saucy texts , but I've noticed he's still on the online dating site quite a lot. He says he's not into multiple dating, but I'm not sure he realises I can see him on there. I don't want to sleep with him if he's still looking round. Not sure what to make of it, he confuses me.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 20/08/2013 11:01

Well it doesn't look good really does it, also you are clearly on the site still otherwise you wouldnt see him. Maybe just enjoy it for what it is but dont expect anything more. I think move on x

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 11:03

I'm on there through boredom really-not meeting anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 11:08

I would happily delete my profile but there doesn't seem any point if he's still on there. Might text him and suggest we break it off for a while?

OP posts:

JacqueslePeacock · 20/08/2013 11:11

Break it off for a while? You've only been dating a few weeks! Surely that's not going to work. Can you not ask him if he sees it just as a very casual thing? Or tell him you've noticed him on the site a lot, and see what he says?

MumnGran · 20/08/2013 11:13

Date 3.
And you want him to be cancelling memberships?
Bit premature.

Plus .....it seems you were back on the site?

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 11:14

I don't expect him to cancel his membership, no. I guess I'm just new to all this. He did tell me he's not dating anyone else.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/08/2013 11:15

This is common, you don't really have the right to insist he doesn't go on, perhaps like you he was bored and went on for a look, it's an ego boost perhaps if nothing else.

After 3 dates I think you're expecting too much. I do agree though that you're doing the right thing by not sleeping with him, maybe he's on there looking for a shag, who knows. Why not give him another chance and have a chat about it?

Kaluki · 20/08/2013 11:15

Maybe he is just on there through boredom too!
He can see you are on there so maybe he thinks you are still dating!
Don't be paranoid - enjoy it for what it is.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 11:15

By break it off for a while I would mean permanently. But I do like him.

OP posts:

Kaluki · 20/08/2013 12:25

Well don't cut your nose off to spite your face!
Give him a chance !!

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 13:16

True. I'm a planner and struggle with uncertainty, but I guess uncertainty is par for the course with dating...

OP posts:

Hegsy · 20/08/2013 13:39

Imagine its him posting this because from what you're saying he could be thinking exactly the same as you 'oh she's still on there all the time, she must still be looking'

Take things slow and enjoy yourself. Don't go looking for problems when it seems like you both like each other. If he was a 'humper and dumnper' I doubt you would have heard from him after the first date

Good luck!

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 16:23

Still feeling unsure. He hasn't arranged another date yet and he's been on POF again today but hasn't texted me. I know if I suggest a date he'll agree and if I text him he'll reply, but why am I doing all the running?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 20/08/2013 16:31

Leave it a couple of days, let him text you.

Also, I'm a planner. I hate uncertainty too. I want commitment and don't sleep with just anyone. In your case I wouldn't have any intention to have sex with this man whilst still so uncertain about his motives.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 16:33

Yes. One thing that has bothered me is that he seems to want us to go to his flat and I guess I am suspicious that he's after one thing.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 20/08/2013 16:46

I always used to think, "if I had sex with him tonight and he went cold on me tomorrow, how would I feel?". If my answer was along the lines of that I'd have no regrets, then that was alright for me. It sounds as though you would have regrets.

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 16:49

Yes I would regret it if he went cold and I wouldn't be 100% shocked if that happened either.

OP posts:

Idratherbeknitting · 20/08/2013 17:09

POF is one of those things you get a bit addicted to checking. You end up checking on the people you like, to see if they've been on or not.

I'm super inexperianced with OD, just dipped my toe in four years ago (luckily met DP and left it at that!)...but remember feeling so sad that someone I was messaging was clearly online and not messaging me.

I think a lot of the blokes on there (the reasonably normal looking ones anyway) are always going to check if someone new is there, who might look nicer/more up for it etc. It's a total minefield.

I got fed the "I'm only picking up messages" line, and "I don't want to date anyone else" thing a lot, and only to find them on there all the time a few days later, but not messaging me!

I hope it works out the way you want it to. There are truly decent lovely guys on POF, but they are bloody hard to find!

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 17:13

It's horrible. I hate it. It could just be a habit thing I guess. Or he could be checking to see if I'm on there and a lot of the time I am!

OP posts:

Quityabitchen · 20/08/2013 17:21

Online dating can be brilliant, but it can also be hurtful. I met a lovely man, went out for dinner twice, then to a concert, then a country walk...then a shag and that was the last I saw of him. I genuinely thought we were 'in a relationship' otherwise I'd never have slept with him.

OctopusPete8 · 20/08/2013 17:24

Date 3 and you want him to cancel his profile?

still very early days n' he keeping his options open.

as should you,

as long as its safe sex go for it!!

Original poster

dontcallmehon · 20/08/2013 17:41

I don't want him to cancel his profile, I guess I just didn't want to see him online checking it all the time, but I've no right to ask him not to.

OP posts:

Wagonwheels · 20/08/2013 18:21

The uncertainty of online dating can be a bit of a killer! But it does come with the territory, unfortunately.

The other thing to bear in mind (and I only found this out through a discussion on the dating thread) that POF frequently shows people as being online, when they're actually not. I suspect they show the people you've chatted to most recently to be online, in the hope that you'll meesage them and increase their number of messages...

So maybe a chat is the way forward? And see above for a ready made excuse if he asks why you've been online too

Emzoj · 20/08/2013 18:42

I find that you get a lot of arseholes on POF and where most men are on there just for sex (not saying they are all like that but the majority are). Maybe try other sites like match.com and zoosk. I know its frustrating. I meet my boyfriend through Match.com and 4 years down the road we are still together. He was the first and only date I went on but I sometimes do wish I went on a few more dates. What im saying is dont start feeling to deep to soon because it will end up in tears. Enjoy yourself and go on a few dates. Hope this helps

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