friend is about to self-destruct and is threatening me

[zippingitup]

Long story short, I met a female friend a 5 years ago while I was in quite a 'wild' phase of my life. I partied a lot, worked hard, had a few ONS but emotionally and health-wise, I kept myself very safe.

When she and I met she was (bizarrely) impressed by what she perceived as my glamorous lifestyle and having had no previous sexual experience at all started to do what she thought was the same thing. The only problem is that her interpretation of what she thought I did was not right, and she became like an out of control, emotionally immature teenager.

A few examples: She did and still does drink to the point she passes out four nights out of seven, with no recollection of what she has said or done before that point. She does not use contraception with men she has ONS with, she sleeps with married men and it has become a challenge for her to seduce them, she takes drugs (cocaine, MDMA, LSD, ecstacy) she quit her job because it was interfering with her party lifestyle and became dependent on me and others for money, she has hysterics if she is not the centre of attention or the centre of any man's attention in a room, she has slept with nearly all of mine and my now DH's male friends making any social gathering quite uncomfortable.

I have been her emotional crutch for a year now and I have no clue how to extricate myself. Also since the beginning of our friendship I have met and married my lovely DH, who she irrationally hates and is rude to , despite the fact that he and I are practically paying her a salary each month to keep her alive and eating (her parents are dead.)

When I confront her about her attitude and her lifestyle she tells me I am a hypocrite now I'm married because I did "exactly the same thing" when I was single. This is not true. I made sure I had a good time when I was single, never took class A or B drugs (only ate hash brownies), never slept (knowingly) with married men, never drank to the point of passing out. My head was always firmly on my shoulders and I did not approach the independence of my thirties with a teenagers view of the world. I had, had boyfriends before, had drunk alcohol before, understood my own limits - but she does not understand this.

She is now threatening to "expose" information about me to my parents and to my DH. DH and my parents would be very upset if they found out I had even eaten hash brownies or had a ONS with a married man (I did not know he was married until afterwards, after which I stopped all contact.)

Her drinking is getting, worse, her drug-taking is getting worse, her emotional state is becoming terribly negative (she "hates" all men and treats them with contempt) she's depressed, jobless and will be homeless in 3 months and is asking if she can come and live with us.

I am totally confused. Am I acting like a smug married now? Do I sound really patronising and like a total hypocrite? Is it normal for someone to misinterpret someone else's life based on what they see and then re-enact it in their own way, then blame the other person for being a bad influence?!

Any advice on what I should do?

This is not friendship, rather it is chronic codependency. Despite the misery this friend brings into your life there is some kind of payoff for you. I know that seems a harsh thing to say but I have been in a friendship like this and it wasn't until I was sick of It that I made a change. My friend had emotionally, physically and financially supported me during a difficult time in my life but then used this to keep me close once I was better. She became increasing ill with heroin use, ONS's and suicide attempts but because she had been so kind to me I felt I owed her my support.

At the time I couldn't see the hold she had over me but looking back I can see that I was frightened to move on from her because I felt indebted to her and was terrified that she would die and I would be to blame. Well now I can see that if she of died it would not have been my fault as she was on a one way path to self destruct long before she ever knew me and that our friendship initially slowed that process down but once she lost control of me she tried even harder. She attempted suicide, went back on heroin and crack and even tried to sue me for money she had given me in the form of gifts etc.

It is different to your situation in some respects but the behaviour is similar in that you are being manipulated. Ok so you were a bit wild once and she has followed suit. The fact is that you have settled down and want a quieter life now, you are in no way responsible for her behaviour. She has the same options and choices in life as you do and could choose to calm down or carry on regardless of how you are living.

In all honesty she sounds like an addict and you are her supplier. You may not be buying her drugs/drink but by financially supporting her you are giving her the means with which to continue her destructive lifestyle. Cut contact telling her politely but firmly that you cannot give her anymore money and that you do not want to see her harming herself in this manner any longer. Yes you will feel like a total bitch and she will hate you but no addict likes to see their source disconnected. Be prepared for bad things to happen to her because an addicts path is rarely a pretty one but with a bit of luck it will force her into a bad enough space to actually seek real help. Beyond that there is nothing you can do. I know these will seem like harsh words but believe me addicts are black holes when it comes to taking and no amount of being reasonable will get through.

There is help available for her if should decide to get it but your current friendship is exacerbating her problem not helping it. Take the risk of your family or DH finding out about eating hash cakes and being a little wild rather than being held to ransom. I'm sure they are not as naive as you might like to think. By stopping helping her you may just be doing her the biggest favour in the end.

I think you have to recognise that you have been enjoying what you see as your superiority over this woman, and now it's biting you on the arse. You started this friendship feeling that you were much more experienced and interesting than she was, now you're the clever, sober, solvent, married one and she's such a mess.
Of course, that doesn't mean she should be extorting money from you, and undoubtedly cutting her off is the most sensible thing to do, but but be wary in future of seeking out friends that you feel superior to. It doesn't make for healthy friendships if one person has elected herself the 'better' one.

I knew someone a bit like this but they had mental health and alcohol issues which got worse.

All her friends bar me and a few others gradually distanced themselves then my friend killed herself.

It was a combo of events and nobody could stop her. We all helped. Your friend OP needs professional help and not you propping her up.

Thanks very much for all your responses. It is really heartening to hear people have gone through this. I have has several friendships in the same "style@ although they were when I was younger and I had less access to money and "grown up" things.

I am not a troll. Just because a few threads have beeb deleted doesn't mean that everyone now confessig inportant stuff about their lives and feelings is a troll!

I can see there are some people on this thread who get it and some who don't. I think it's quite a common thing with female friendships (not to the extent that I have let it go to) and it depends on your personal boundaries. Mine, it appears, are very easily breached.

I am now looking to cut her out. The money stops first. This evening when she called me I told her that we were TTC and her response was: "I knew this would happen. You are soooo boring."

Glad the thread has helped. Just remember, she is falling apart all by herself, and you can't stop it. You only get to decide whether to go down with her (pointless) or detach (painful in short term, ideal thereafter).

She sounds fairly ill actually (probably brought about by her drug use) but you can only advise she sees her gp.
As for the money I think you need to completely stop that now, you are enabling her. It's going to be hard but you can't carry on like this, I have three adult sons whom I don't give a penny to.
As for her "exposing you" so what? You are an adult and weren't married at the time and her behaviour is so irrational I'm sure nobody will take her seriously. Why would they?

I also had a friend like this btw. Wed already lost contact when I met dh but she'd have hated him.
We bumped into her once and I introduced them and she was really rude to him!!

If you didn't give her money would she still be your friend?

There is nothing you've said about her that makes me think this relationship is worth saving.

You need to protect yourself and your dh, you certainly can't have this woman around when you have a baby.

The first thing I would do is tell your DH and parents about your past. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and then it's done and she's lost any power to threaten to you. I would be tempted to frame it as she has, i.e. 'she thinks our lives were similar but actually mine was completely different'.

The next thing is for you to understand is that every enabler of an addict feels as you do - that if you withdraw your support they will spiral downwards. But equally you are preventing her from hitting her rock bottom, which she has to get to if she is ever going to choose to recover. I really would speak to Al-Anon.

You need to think what you would do if she does spiral down whilst dependent on you. She could become ill and need looking after. She could be made homeless (she probably will once you withdraw funding). She could be arrested and need to be represented in court. All of these things could happen repeatedly, together and separately. Do you really want to be dealing with them all? Most spouses of addicts can't do it at that stage and they have made a life-long commitment to the person in question.

She's playing you. She may not mean to or even want to on some level, but she's choosing to do it nonetheless. She will probably always blame you for cutting her off but that's part of the addiction - addicts have to blame other people for what they do.

Al-Anon will be able to support you through this very difficult process. But you do need to be completely honest with your DH to get through it. Good luck.

Part of the co-dependency is the way that you are both locked in a way of relating as parent and child to each other. You can stop this by simply not parenting her, and relating to her as an adult. Please get some counselling to work out how to do this, it is not as simple as stopping giving her money and cutting her off. Stop the money, yes, but also stop being responsible for her, and stop prolonging the dependency she has on you for approval and attention.

She is responsible for her own behaviour, yes, but it seems you are missing out a great deal here. Maybe you can't see it yourself. Please get some counselling, and before you TTC. Someone said that people like her seek out people like you, but the truth of the matter is that people like you seek out people like her, and enjoy being told how much better you are.

You are not acting like a smug married, you are acting like someone watching a suicide in slow motion. She sounds like she is already halfway down the slippery slope and I have no idea why you feel compelled to fund this grown woman in her ridiculous antics.

Call her bluff. She won't tell your parents anything, and if she does then either face it hed on (you've gone nothing to be ashamed of, or vern that out of the ordinary) or just tell them she's lying. She sounds quite mad so it shouldn't be difficult to convince them.

OP - You could say to your friend that you will still be there for her emotionally and as a friend but you're not willing to put up with her antics re non-adult behaviour nor lend her money.

I was lucky in a way that my friend moved to where she was originally from so she was at arms length. But i still rang/emailed her and visited her and she visited me in London.

Your friend may well get better/get a grip etc.

Zipping I wish you luck with TTC, and actually I think it may really help you with adjusting your priorities which will encourage you to realise it's OK to let go of your "friend". I found that becoming a parent really helped me with this issue - because of course you are supposed to be fully responsible for and give a huge amount of yourself to your baby, and that comes naturally. When you have children they meet that need in you but in a good way, as that actually is a parent/child relationship obviously - and you realise you don't want to be looking after the world's needy waifs and strays so much, you want to save it for your own DC.

You don't deserve a roasting at all, yes this situation is wrong but you didn't mean it to get like that and from your POV you had good intentions. You just need to practise saying no and being firm, the more you do it the easier it gets, I promise.

So I told DH last night about my friend's threats. What she is basically doing is blaming me for getting her into this 'mess.' She says that she took my life as a model of how she wanted to be, started doing it and it didn't turn out rosy for her. Everything is everyone else's fault... me for inspiring it, the married men for not leaving their wives, her other friends for not supporting her, her parents for not being around etc.

DH didn't understand at first because the way she is now is pretty extreme and shocking and is nothing like the way I was when I was single. But she for some reason is comparing the two as if I am a hypocrite. I am having to make it very clear to DH through reassurance that I was not on drugs and I did not have unprotected sex. I have been reassuring him all morning too. It will be okay but this is slightly what I feared - that he will look at her now and think that it was me when it wasn't (which is basically the reason she gives for how she "ended up" like this.)

I have never felt at all superior to her. She is a very beautiful woman who - when she is sober - is very funny and intelligent. The transition into her being a child happened so gradually that I didn't notice until I started feeling unconsious obligations to help her. Everything was a one-off until it wasn't and it became the rule rather than the exception. When DH first met her she was not this bad. She was great for entertaining his single friends and we'd go out as a foursome and have a laugh. But she just could not stop spiralling and wanting bigger highs.

I am reeling from the unfairness of how she puts words into my mouth. She has taken over my life to the extent that she takes her opinions of everything, and passes them off as my views too.

Dh constantly questions why I put up with a woman who constantly disrespects him and hates him - and he's right, of course he's right.

I have done a lot of reassuring her, trying to be sisterly. On our wedding day she cried and said 'now I have no-one.' I have always said no, no I am here for you, you are my best friend. And I have tried to prove it to her. I feel like I need to compensate her every time I am not available to her or if I'm with DH. Even on our honeymoon I was feeling guilty that I was not in the same country as her.

Why do I feel like this?

Just posting to offer sympathies, as I had a very intense friendship with someone who was probably slightly self-destructive, though nothing like as extreme as your friend. But, lies, huge constructions of un-truth, to the extent of lying about someone's death (!), which proved to be untrue btw. I supported her in all sorts of dramas, sat waiting for her on numerous occasions when she never turned up, yet I felt that I loved her and wanted to go back for more...

It all fell apart by itself. But i did feel quite afraid of her for a long time afterwards, as if our friendship had protected me and now i was exposed. What happened then was that I turned around and realised that there were other friends waiting to get into my life, but whom I had unconsciously been turning away from because I had her.

On some levels I still miss her, yet I know that friendship with her is entirely incompatible with my life now and with being a parent.

PM me if you want to chat further.

"we are trying to conceive"

"I knew this would happen, you're so boring"

boring? having a baby is boring? she is just worried about what this will mean for her

I suggest counselling for you Zipping I honestly don't know why you feel so responsible for a fully grown woman, that as your DH points out, shows you no respect, and hates your partner!

zipping, she is a manipulative cow!
Stop the money immediately. No-one gives their friends over a third of their salary, no-one! Even when my sister was young single Mum and I had my first job, I would give her £30 max at a time and that was for my niece! And it had to stop once dh and I bought a house and had a mortgage.

And believe me, unless your parents have led very sheltered lives, they won't be anything like as shocked as you think they will be by any "revelations" and so what if they are? My Mum was very surprised to learn that I had tried hash in my youth because I was the "good" one! But she got over it fairly quickly!

And your dh shouldn't get all angsty about things that happened before you met him. You didn't do anything very outrageous after all and if he loves you, he should accept you, warts and all.

Keep reeling Zippy - you are impacting with reality.

It's all good. You are awakening!!

Now you need to act. Sounds like your DH is right behind you.

Also consider talking to the police before you dump her, maybe they can 'flag' your address.

What are you going to do? Cut her off immediately or gradually.

STOP giving her money. Madness.

One approach might be to gradually become more and more 'boring' until she possibly loses interest. Might be safer than a dramatic dumping situation.

I think some people on here are forgetting that there is obviously a reason she is like this.

Has she only been like this since her parents have passed away? Did she witness it? Is there something traumatic in her past that might've made her want to escape?

Because nobody in their right mind would choose this lifestyle. Anyone who thinks someone would must be crazy themselves.

Yes, she's being manipulative.
Yes, she's being hurtful.
But she's also a very sad, broken individual.

It takes some real self hatred to sleep with any old person and to put a bunch of drugs in you that could do god knows what to you.

I think you should encourage her to seek counselling and drug help. If you need to know some places near your area feel free to PM me which town/city you live in and I will try and find some information. If in the South West I might even be able to find someone for you to talk to, as my Dad deals with those who are addicts, but who have been previously caught with drugs/on a high.

You need to tell her you will be there to support her and help her through the hard times if she is willing to at least give counselling a try. This isn't blackmail perse although it may come across as such. If she feels it is just tell her that it isn't blackmail, but you can't put up with how things are anymore and you want to have her as a friend but not to put up with the drugs, taking money etc. If she wont listen then ultimately, you will have to cut her out of your life.

But before you do that give her numbers to drug counsellors, counsellors for traumatic events in the past and for homeless shelters, in case she ends up needing it.

I would worry about her going on the game if she 1: takes drugs and 2: sleeps with men willy nilly, because she already has no problem doing this.

You also have to make sure in no uncertain terms you will not be paying for her anymore. If she comes around by all means offer to make her a sandwich, or to use your computer to job search or even a £10 to go to the shops to get something but the rest is her responsibility and her responsibility alone.

I know it sounds harsh and I hate sounding harsh because I am one of the softest friends there is, who has put up with varying degrees of crap from friends (thank goodness none of it drug related, except cannabis thankfully) and I know it's hard to break away or put boundaries up when you never have before. But it needs to be done, for everyone involved.

How would you feel if your husband wanted to leave because it became just too much? What about if you had children and she offered a drink/drugs to your children or picked up your baby whilst drunk/on drugs and they got hurt? A line has to be drawn somewhere.

I wish you the best of luck with your friend and I really hope she gets some help.

Oh and like a few others have said upthread, I'd be careful about revenge.

She might actually be a lovely person when sober but when addled with booze and drugs, people can become very, very nasty indeed. I have heard some horror stories you wouldn't ever want to hear about what people have done to themselves and others whilst under the influence. Especially with hallucinogens and MCAT/Ketamine, which I hope she doesn't take because that stuff is awful. Equally heroin is a very, very slippery slope.

I would make sure you have very secure locks, have informed the police that she may make a revenge attempt and perhaps let your neighbours know that you aren't talking to her anymore as she has done some bad stuff and to please report to the police if they hear anything disturbing/she is around your house when you aren't there.

Not trying to worry you, but this can happen.

HaveI no-one has said this isn't a sad individual, what they have said is that the OP doesn't have the power to save her. No-one has said she's bad, just that she can only save herself. The time to offer non-financial practical support has probably also sadly already been passed as threats are being made.

Sometimes all you can do is step back and hope they realise they're hitting rock bottom before it kills them. This is one of those times, as you later pointed out.