friend is about to self-destruct and is threatening me

[zippingitup]

Long story short, I met a female friend a 5 years ago while I was in quite a 'wild' phase of my life. I partied a lot, worked hard, had a few ONS but emotionally and health-wise, I kept myself very safe.

When she and I met she was (bizarrely) impressed by what she perceived as my glamorous lifestyle and having had no previous sexual experience at all started to do what she thought was the same thing. The only problem is that her interpretation of what she thought I did was not right, and she became like an out of control, emotionally immature teenager.

A few examples: She did and still does drink to the point she passes out four nights out of seven, with no recollection of what she has said or done before that point. She does not use contraception with men she has ONS with, she sleeps with married men and it has become a challenge for her to seduce them, she takes drugs (cocaine, MDMA, LSD, ecstacy) she quit her job because it was interfering with her party lifestyle and became dependent on me and others for money, she has hysterics if she is not the centre of attention or the centre of any man's attention in a room, she has slept with nearly all of mine and my now DH's male friends making any social gathering quite uncomfortable.

I have been her emotional crutch for a year now and I have no clue how to extricate myself. Also since the beginning of our friendship I have met and married my lovely DH, who she irrationally hates and is rude to , despite the fact that he and I are practically paying her a salary each month to keep her alive and eating (her parents are dead.)

When I confront her about her attitude and her lifestyle she tells me I am a hypocrite now I'm married because I did "exactly the same thing" when I was single. This is not true. I made sure I had a good time when I was single, never took class A or B drugs (only ate hash brownies), never slept (knowingly) with married men, never drank to the point of passing out. My head was always firmly on my shoulders and I did not approach the independence of my thirties with a teenagers view of the world. I had, had boyfriends before, had drunk alcohol before, understood my own limits - but she does not understand this.

She is now threatening to "expose" information about me to my parents and to my DH. DH and my parents would be very upset if they found out I had even eaten hash brownies or had a ONS with a married man (I did not know he was married until afterwards, after which I stopped all contact.)

Her drinking is getting, worse, her drug-taking is getting worse, her emotional state is becoming terribly negative (she "hates" all men and treats them with contempt) she's depressed, jobless and will be homeless in 3 months and is asking if she can come and live with us.

I am totally confused. Am I acting like a smug married now? Do I sound really patronising and like a total hypocrite? Is it normal for someone to misinterpret someone else's life based on what they see and then re-enact it in their own way, then blame the other person for being a bad influence?!

Any advice on what I should do?

sorry status quo above should read 'any contact at all'

*She is now threatening to "expose" information about me to my parents and to my DH. DH and my parents would be very upset if they found out I had even eaten hash brownies or had a ONS with a married man (I did not know he was married until afterwards, after which I stopped all contact.)
Really? Would your DH and parents really be that bothered or even interested? All this happened before you met DH and I'm sure your parents don't think you were a virgin when you married him. Everyone has a past FFS!
Call her bluff - tell her to do her worst then cut her off.
She won't self destruct. People like her are parasites - they always find some other sucker to feed off.

I know you think you are helping her but you are not . You are enabling her addictions And making things worse. Please go to al anon, you are in a co dependent relationship with her and you might need help and support to walk away.

You need to be aware that she will probably seek revenge on you. So tell your parenst and your Dh about the blackmail . I'm sure they don't want all the details of your past, just tell then enough to take away her power.

Another thing she might do is tell your friends that your dh slept with her or even the police that he raped her. Just to warn you.

Do you have children? Does she have a key to your house ? You need to think about how she could hurt you when she turns on you.

you need to stop seeing her as a victim , she's an addict who is abusing you.

Can I ask where you are getting £1k a month to give her?

Go NC for her sake! You are enabling her. She may have no parents but there are organisations who can help but she would have to reach rock bottom and seek out the help herself.

If she tries to blackmail you, tell her if she says anything like it again you will go to the police.

Tell your parents and DH she has been trying to blackmail you over your past. I really doubt they would be that bothered (it doesn't sound that bad).

If they are really that judgemental then maybe you do need counselling to deal with why you let people control you/judge you so much.

Zipping, you did nothing wrong. When you were young and single you enjoyed a party lifestyle. You were careful, knew your limits and maintained a balance that included work, family and friends. Of course you may not want your parents or DP to know some of the details, but you were an adult who safely made some decisions that others wouldn't. It doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

Your behaviour was nothing like your friend's. She is living a risky life that she cannot control or afford. Can you sit down and explain this to her and tell her that you will no longer be funding her partying and should she threaten you again you will cut her off. Then ask her to seek some help because it sounds as though she needs it.

Your actions are now enabling her, not helping her. I understand how difficult this is (was in a similar friendship in my 20s), but your friend is self destructing. She needs professional help. If she fails to access this, then I'm afraid you must distance yourself from her, or she will destroy you too.

I agree, so what if she doesn't survive? Even if she doesn't, it wouldn't be your fault. There are plenty of other people like this dotted around, sometimes they drive themselves to an early grave, and you don't feel responsible for all of them - you couldn't possibly. You only do for her because she has latched onto you and used your guilt to pay her way.

I think with the blackmail you have the perfect excuse to say enough is enough, this is a criminal offence and the friendship is over. Tell her she stops this right now and gets out of your life or you will go to the police - and do it if necessary. Also go to the police if she harasses you subsequently.

I say this as someone who has been suckered in by these types before myself. I seemed to have some kind of flashing light on my head that attracted them - I'm a real "coper" with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and was really a mother hen type before I had my own DC. I've gradually managed to change but it did mean dumping some people pretty unceremoniously - because of course they aren't the type to take hints.

Oh Zipping, you sound so nice it really pisses me off that she's taking you for a ride like this.

I can only agree with pps that you should tell your DH and parents that she's threatening to tell them all sorts about you (no need for you to go into detail if you feel uncomfortable), then cut off all contact with her. I honestly don't think it their reaction will be anything beyond batting an eyelid at you and shock/pissed-off-ness at her behaviour.

Does your DH know you've been giving her £1k a month for the last 6 months? What does he make of that?

She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her own actions and life. Don't let her drag you down with her.

KristinaM You have hit the nail on the head by saying that she might accuse my DH of raping her. This is what I fear. In the past when she has seduced DH's friends when she has been drunk, she has emerged the next morning with the attitude that they "took advantage" or "exploited" her (even though we see everything that happened) and that DH and I should cut them off as friends because they've been disrespectful to her.

DH tells me it's only a matter of time before she accuses him of doing something to her.

I get paid £3500 a month net and I give her £1000 of it.

I had a co-dependent mother and I think somewhere inside, this is what I believe "friendship" means.

Are you insane? £1000 a month? Fucking hell. Google 'co-dependency' because that's what is going on here.
DTMFA and let her take her chances. She's vulnerable yes but she's also abusive, savvy and cunning. Cut. Her. Off.

addendum - I had a narc mother - makes sense right? I'm a mug.

I am just reading about codependency. Does that mean I am the co-dependent one or she is?

The relationship is co-dependent. You feel like she needs you and you put her needs above your own. It's an unhealthy and destructive dynamic. You enable her choices through your 'support' of her. You think you are helping but you are prolonging the wait for the inevitable crash that happens to all addicts.

She sounds horrendous and she has no qualms about doing whatever it takes to try to keep you in line.

Your loyalties are to yourself and your dh.

Of course it'll be painful and hard to cut her out but what is the alternative?

Imagine if you and dh choose to try for a baby, do you want her and her destructive life style around you then?

You are displaying codependent behaviours.

I'd drop her immediately. Change your phone numbers. And don't feel guilty. As for the threats to tell all to your husband and family, for goodness sake, we've ALL got a past and yours doesn't sound any worse than many other people's.

She's a grown up, not your child and not your responsibility. She sounds a really nasty piece of work and you don't want any more to do with her.

So why do you have this woman in your life , when " it's just matter of time " before she accuses your Dh of rape? Why are you exposing him to this risk? Do you think being part of a police investigation will be fun????????

The more I hear about this, the more I think you BOTH ned to go to al anon ( I mean you and your Dh)

You are obviously a smart woman if you earn 3.5k a month. You are caring and it sounds like you have a loyal if deluded husband. Please sort out your own life before it implodes and let your " friend" seek help for herself .

Um, this has probably already been said but you are enabling her to carry on as she is by bailing her out.

With regard to the money, if she is unemployed then the Job Centre will pay her expenses for her to attend interviews etc.... With regard to her blackmailing her, if she did tell your parents these things about you then I would just deny all knowledge as it was such a long time ago and is none of their business.

She needs help but she needs to help herself.

Zipping, I think my mum is also a narcissist, according to what I've learned on here when I've discussed her. You grow up wanting to please someone who can't be pleased and taking responsibility for the emotional mess they make. I really relate to your feelings that you have to prop this woman up because she has no one else.

Co-dependent means both people in a relationship are in some way dependent on each other. With her it's obvious - she needs money, emotionally propping up and an audience for her antics. More subtly, you may need to feel you aren't letting someone down and that as long as you're around, everything and everyone will be OK, and if you let go of that, you've failed. (It may not be that exactly, just an example of how the co-dependency could work). People with needs like hers will seek out and latch onto people with needs like yours, because those are the people who will tolerate them.

That is not to say you have a similar level of problems - obviously you are much more level-headed, sorted and in control than she is. You've just got suckered in by someone who exploits your particular weakness and it's incredibly hard to say no when you feel responsible.

I would divert that £1000 a month to spend on some kindness to yourself (spa day, shopping, hobbies whatever) and on a good counsellor who can support you through getting rid of this person.

Zipping you have to look inwardly here and see what it is that is stopping you from doing the right thing. If it is childhood baggage then get some help to ensure that you put that in its proper place. You are NOT responsible for her behaviour. To be blunt, you are more of a risk to her by giving her money that you know is being used on Class A drugs or booze than if you stopped.

Get strong, put yourself first and bin her off. She is poison

She probably hates your DH because he rejected her twice, bruising her ego..is she very good looking with a 'all men are here to worship me' type attitude?? a rejection won't have gone down well.

I would have cut her off then and there.

Why would your DH be really upset about you eating a hash brownie in your youth? is he v.religious/law enforcement etc??

like another poster said we all have a past.

Well, if you don't tackle this now and stop enabling her appaling behaviour, are you prepared to continue to pay her whatever she demands for as long as she likes?? For the rest of her life?

Dump her like toxic waste.

This situation is absolutely crazy but you owe this woman nothing.

I feel for you because you sound like a lovely person but she has cleverly sensed that you can be manipulated in this way and is taking the piss.

Spend some of the money you have been giving her on counselling stop someone else taking advantage of your good nature again.

I bet, if you dump her there will be a wails and drama. Then, she will move on and find someone else to leech off emotionally and financially. Probably fill their head with tales about how horrid you were to her. Then you will be nothing to her.

She sounds very nasty and manipulative. She would happily shag your husband. With friends like that who needs enemies?

She is no friend, she will survive.

All you are doing is prolonging this spiral for her and preventing her from gaining access to any real help.

You think you are being kind, you are not. In this situation the albeit natural instinctive reaction to offer a hand is aiding the continuation of the destructive behaviour.

Get out of this situation before she accuses your DH of something serious to someone like the police who would have to take it seriously. He may end up losing his job over a rape allegation. The longer you engage the more opportunity she has.

Prepare for reprisals, neither of you have any further contact with her without a witness being present. The sooner you extricate yourselves form her life the better she will become more and more financially demanding until it breaks you and once you cut her off she will become angry and lash out. Whilst this is all the drink and drugs talking she can still cause an awful lot of damage.

Only she can stop herself. No matter how much help she has access to she will only stop if and when she is ready to.
You cannot be responsible for her actions.

OP what you are doing is extremely odd, if you can't see that then I really think you need some RL advice. It is not normal. It almost sounds like a troll thread as your AIBU questions are so 'wrong'. You are worried about sounding patronising!! Really?? I think that is the least of your worries.

You need to work out why you have allowed this situation to continue, what you are going to ACTUALLY DO to stop it and how you are going to make sure you make more rational choices in future.

I know I sound harsh but your OP is quite bizarre.

Work out what you need to do and do it. Don't make anymore excuses.

Good luck. I hope you sort things out.