Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF is going on?

61 replies

kjbee · 20/08/2013 04:50

Hi all. Forgive me for barging in here at bleep o'clock in the morning and venting, but I think I'm honestly losing my mind.

Stuck at future in laws with my DCs, DF being really horrible to me. There was a scene earlier. I escaped to read to my DCs for a couple of hours. I was looking at train times (I don't drive, felt like I needed an escape route), he told me not to worry about it because he was going back to my house to get his stuff (subtext-leave) tomorrow anyway.

He used to be lovely but over the two weeks he has turned into a completely different person. Last week he gave up smoking and said that he wasn't going to stand for all my shit anymore, and that he used to smoke to take five minutes to convince himself that I'm not the massive bitch I make myself out to be. Can't sleep. Just want everything to be ok but it's not going to be. Horrible horrible horrible.

OP posts:
BrevilleTron · 20/08/2013 05:34

This is not the right man for you. Giving up smoking does not give ANYONE the right to treat you like this.
Do not marry this man. Please.

Gather up your dignity. Leave. Ignore his pleadings
He is already blaming you for his temper. If you are 'such a massive bitch' why does he want you?

Because upsetting you clearly gives him an ego boost.

I never say ltb but get out whilst you can.

VEBott · 20/08/2013 05:50

This is not a normal situation, you're both under a lot of stress and communication has broken down. The environment is clearly not conducive to coping with whatever gripes are cropping up. Have a drink, sleep, go home tomorrow. He'll soon realise it's the nicotine withdrawal that's twisting him up.

Mixxy · 20/08/2013 05:58

I gave up smoking early pregnancy and was also flooded with pregnancy hormones. I wasn't that bad, but I was close. I suspect he's taking out some bad mojo witj his parents, wedding nerves and stress on you.

Its a red flag for the whole shit show in my opinion.

You have two options: kill him with kindness. "I think you are doing amazing giving up the smokes, more people fail bit you're doing great. I'll give you some space" etc etc

OR you could encourage him to snap, leave him an unlit cigarette and tell him "Your prissy nic fit is embarrassing you and your manhood. Smoke this while I pack your bags".

Lizzabadger · 20/08/2013 06:02

But he started behaving badly towards you a week BEFORE giving up smoking, so it's not just nicotine withdrawal.

Think about whether you want to be with this man.

You don't have to be with him just so you are with SOMEBODY.

You will be fine on your own if that is what you choose.

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:02

Thanks for being there, BrevilleTron

He's not the DCs' dad but he wants to adopt them. He dumped me a couple of years ago when, stressed out over a redundancy, he decided he wanted to move to New Zealand. I couldn't do that so he finished it. Came back grovelling six months later. It was so hard to let him back into our lives, especially for DD, but we did. DS adores him. He adores them but this can't go on.

Argument was about money. He moved down to us 8 months ago without selling his flat first and it's been financially crippling. Paying mortgage, both sets of bills. I pay the rent on my house (which he calls a shithole) and have £50 left out of my wages. He pays everything else. He referenced this in conversation earlier with his brother and all I did was agree. Apparently I had no place to agree because I wasn't (somehow, psychically) aware of £4,000 in credit card debt he's apparently run up paying for things for me and my kids. I said I was more than aware how financially crippling it has been. DS was begging please stop fighting. It was horrible. Some of the family left. I put my arms around him to try to make up but he started on me again.

His mum came to find me and told me that we should never have to argue about money (they are well off) and I said I didn't stand a chance if he was going to spring that kind of thing on me. She told me that I should get him to ask them for money. We cooled off for a couple of hours while I saw to DCs (and they saw to me if I'm honest) but then when I went into the bedroom we are sharing, he wouldn't be apologizing, that he owed me nothing. I told him that I didn't stand a chance if he was talking to me like that and had he talked to his parents. He said "OH YEEEAAAH" like it had been twisted so that I had asked them for money (which..just...no.) I have a feeling he'll have been badmouthing me to his parents, twisting the fact that I'm unsure about taking his name and rushing the adoption process. I want to appoint my sister (my kids are very close to her) as a legal guardian in my will and he went mental last week, saying that if I die then she will stop him from moving to where his support system is.

He then (tonight) started going on like "BECAUSE IT'S ALL ME ISN'T IT IT'S ALL ME" and I told him to grow up. He left the room and went to sleep downstairs or something.

I'm terrified for tomorrow. I'm so so sad for my kids. I fucked up taking him back. I fucked up not dropping it tonight. It's all just fucked up.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:05

Oh woww, thanks everyone.

No, it's not just nicotine withdrawal.

He resents me because he moved down to my city to be with me and it hasn't worked out.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 20/08/2013 06:07

You can get out of the wedding and can get him out of your lives again.

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:10

Yep. I'm not convinced that I have a choice, Lizzabadger.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/08/2013 06:11

He's horrible. He will get more horrible as time goes on and your lives are more interwoven. Leave him.

Mixxy · 20/08/2013 06:20

With more information, he sounds even worse.

He isn't DC father? Even easier.

It will be easier for you to quit him than for him to quit smoking. His Mum sounds like she is kind of sick of him as well, begging you to take him off her hands, even if she has to pay you.

Call of that wedding. Fool me once, shame on me...

Chubfuddler · 20/08/2013 06:23

How do you not have a choice?

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:25

Because it looks like he's leaving me again anyway.

This is all a bit of shock. Probably more so than it looks like from the outside looking in.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/08/2013 06:28

No he's having another petulant strop and will be back with his tail between his legs left to his own devices. Until the next time there's a problem, which he will blame you for.

Take control. End it yourself and do NOT take him back. Lucky escape.

Vivacia · 20/08/2013 06:29

I can't see any reference to a wedding, is that what's happening tomorrow??

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:31

You're right, I always seem to be the problem.

Never the extremely evident actual massive real problem, me.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:31

No, wedding is supposed to happen next September

OP posts:
NandH · 20/08/2013 06:34

do not make this man your husband.
do not make this man your dc's adopted father.

Doing either of these things will be absolutely disastrous!! He WILL get worse, I garentee it!

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:34

Also I've just realised something. £4,000 in credit card debt? In eight months? ON US??? I don't think so, mister.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:36

Panicking. How the fuck am I going to get out of here. He'll stonewall me and take the kids out somewhere fun and I'm stuck.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/08/2013 06:38

Can't you pack now and leave?

Is there anyone you can to g to come and help?

Vivacia · 20/08/2013 06:40

"To g" should say "ring".

How about asking his mum if she can help you? Just talk about getting home, not about leaving him.

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:40

No. We're hundreds of miles away from home, I can't drive and I have got no money.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:41

Thank you though

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:43

She'll want me to sort it out with him

She sees DF as exactly like her DH and I just need to get better at dealing with it. Also she might be angry with me for last night, the argument or whatever I suspect DF said to her

This is a nightmare

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/08/2013 06:45

What do you mean he will stonewall and take the children out somewhere fun? They are your children. They don't go anywhere without your say so.

Don't you have access to any money? Call a taxi to nearest station and get train. If it doesn't go to your home town get into London/Birmingham/Bristol/other major city and get train from there. If you have to spend all day travelling so be it.

Tbh you had me thinking leave this fucker when you said he called your house a shithole. Bastard.