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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF is going on?

61 replies

kjbee · 20/08/2013 04:50

Hi all. Forgive me for barging in here at bleep o'clock in the morning and venting, but I think I'm honestly losing my mind.

Stuck at future in laws with my DCs, DF being really horrible to me. There was a scene earlier. I escaped to read to my DCs for a couple of hours. I was looking at train times (I don't drive, felt like I needed an escape route), he told me not to worry about it because he was going back to my house to get his stuff (subtext-leave) tomorrow anyway.

He used to be lovely but over the two weeks he has turned into a completely different person. Last week he gave up smoking and said that he wasn't going to stand for all my shit anymore, and that he used to smoke to take five minutes to convince himself that I'm not the massive bitch I make myself out to be. Can't sleep. Just want everything to be ok but it's not going to be. Horrible horrible horrible.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 20/08/2013 06:46

His mothers opinion is irrelevant. No doubt he's playing out the role models they've played for him as he was growing up. Nothing to do with you, you can get off this roundabout.

RubyGoat · 20/08/2013 06:46

Hi. I think in your situation I'd start packing right now. get as much sorted out as possible before the rest of the house wakes up. And yes, it does kind of sound like his mum is trying to 'buy you off' ie bribe you, by offering you money to help out financially, if she thinks that will keep you together. She can see how badly he is behaving & whether it's a temporary or a long standing thing with him, she is embarrassed & doesn't want to have to deal with it herself, would rather you did. Mine is similar but less extreme.

antimatter · 20/08/2013 06:47

what a w*r!

I don't know if you could borrow money from your family and left?
there must be coaches if not train going near to where you live

I would not want to stay even a single minute in his company.
How old are your kids?

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:48

He'll ignore me, gather up the kids and be fun parent and they'll be relieved that he's being lovely again.

Seriously, no money. Looked up trains earlier (see OP) but can't afford to get to where we need to go, let alone buses or taxis either side

I know. The shithole thing was really hurtful even though he's got a point.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:49

Kids are 9 and 8

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 20/08/2013 06:50

Can you borrow money off them, enough to get home, then end things? I know it's sneaky but he's really got you boxed in... You could pay her back later, when you are sorted.

Original poster
kjbee · 20/08/2013 06:52

They wont have it

we're all staying for the week because it's our only holiday this year and my birthday at the end of the week

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/08/2013 06:54

What's happening tomorrow that you're worried about?

If you got a lift to the station do you have funds to get home?

DontmindifIdo · 20/08/2013 06:58

Don't play happy families today, he needs to learn there are consequences to his actions, as do you. I'd ask his mum if she'll pay the train fares, say you think if you stay you'll definitely end up splitting up and having some space is the only chance you'll work it out. That'll work more than telling her you're leaving her son because he's being a wanker.

Or do you have any friends who'll lend you the money?

Get home ASAP. He thinks he is in control, he gets to decide if you are together or not, time he realised he's wrong.

waltzingmathilda · 20/08/2013 06:59

Play the game till you get home - then sling him out of YOUR house when you are on home territory.

Have you got a mate keeping an eye on your house? Get her to ring and say you have a leak or something and you need to get home immediately.

Sorry to be so pointedly rude but why havent you got money of your own?

More importantly where are your childrens fathers? Do they play any role in their lives.

And do not let this bloke adopt them - not with his track record of breezing in and out on a whim

DontmindifIdo · 20/08/2013 06:59

Btw- your dcs hearing you argue will be a shit holiday anyway, so don't say for that reason.

ChasedByBees · 20/08/2013 07:13

You have to get out somehow and do not let him take your children out - they are YOUR children.

Do you have family / friends that can lend you money? I think there are some systems where you can be wired money (am I imagining that the police might be able to help here by receiving money from family at one location and lending it where you are?) I wonder if you could get them to but a ticket somehow (although I know you sometimes need the card the tickets have been purchased with).

I know you said that your in laws won't lend you money but what if you really stand your ground - refuse to go out with him, refuse to let him take your children and state - repeatedly that you will not be treated like that and you need to leave. Would they really not help then? It may make things uncomfortable but that has got to be better than your children off having a day out without you with someone so hostile towards you.

It may not seem like it but not being married and him not being your children's adoptive parent is such a lucky escape.

Somethingyesterday · 20/08/2013 07:40

OP I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. It's so easy to sleepwalk into a mess -and then so easy for other people to point out where you went wrong...

I completely empathise with how you must be feeling. You said earlier that he had said there was no need for you to bother with finding transport because he would (presumably) be driving back to your home today and would thus provide your transport. Then you say he will use today to get round your children. So are you assuming the "going back to pack up stuff" was just an empty threat?

Assuming you may be single again soon - how were you paying for your life before he moved in? Did you lose maintenance from your Dcs' father when he moved in. And, if he couldn't sell his house - why, in eight months, had he not rented it out. Are you certain he ever meant to get rid of it?

You already know that making yourself and your children financially dependent on a man who is not their father and to whom you are not married was - risky. I'm really hoping you didn't see this man as "rescue".....

Obviously you need to be free of him. (Is there a reason you cannot learn to drive?) Do you have no family of your own who can help you out? There is no reason at all why you should remain tied to him.

Original poster
kjbee · 22/08/2013 01:16

Before he moved in I was totally financially independent. Now that he is part of the household my entire monthly wage from PT job goes on the rent to keep the roof over our heads, and I've got fifty pounds left per month. This is supposed to be a temporary arrangement until he sells his flat. Then he takes over the rent. He pays for everything else.

DCs' bio father has nothing to do with us. He walked out when DS was a few weeks old- originally left for work but it turned out that he met someone else. I found out through third parties. He's still with her now, they have 2 kids. He doesn't pay any maintenance/anything through CSA because he threatened to kill me if I took him there, and that he would have a mate take any DNA test so that it would look like them being his. Police were involved. It was horrible. Haven't had any contact for 5 years, not since I had to contact him to get permission to change the DCs last name to mine. He said he never believed that they were his anyway. I never moved, never changed my number. They've not had a single birthday or Christmas card.

I spoke to F's mum about what F had said yesterday. She listened and she understood. She apologized for having a son that spoke to me like this. She told me that she loved me and wanted to do anything she could to help.

F and I went out last night. We didn't talk much about stuff because I just want to keep my head down but it came up a bit and he shut me down. I said that I had a right to talk about stuff and he said that he had a right to tell me that he didn't want to talk about it.

Tonight F's parents sat us down and said that if F is worried about money and it's causing us problems then we were not to worry. F said that he felt better about things.

My engagement ring is in the jeweller's being recoated (it's white gold) etc and won't come back for 2 weeks. F's mum had noticed this and wanted to lend me one of hers. F didn't seem bothered and so I said that maybe it would be nice if we were in a different place by the time the ring came back and I just got accused of being manipulative and I asked how and got told I was a stupid fucking bitch and just to shut up.

He's asleep now. I'm not even crying.

I'm thinking that it's me because obviously this isn't the first messed up relationship that I've been in and the other guy seems to be doing fine now that he's not with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
kjbee · 22/08/2013 01:27

I don't drive because I lived in London and there was no need to, and then when I moved out of London and had the kids I was a single parent (see above) and couldn't afford to. I also work five days a week. Once F's flat sells and there's some spare money again I need to learn how to drive (not least because he's always on at me).

My family are great but I don't want to rely on them emotionally more than I do, or financially at all.

OP posts:
Somethingyesterday · 22/08/2013 06:34

I'm sorry - your situation sounds horrendous but ......

The whole first paragraph of your reply simply repeats what you said before. So how we're you living before? In the sense of what you would return to if/when you ended this relationship. We're you paying the same rent and keeping your children on £50 a week? Or did you move to a more expensive flat to accommodate him? (You say he moved down to you....)

If I have understood you correctly all your future seem to be dependent on a man who doesn't like you. You are anticipating his taking over the rent? So he would be paying for your whole life? And he is looking to his parents to fund this? And resents you. And you have to "keep your head down"?

As I said before, I would empathise with anyone who had allowed themselves to get into such a mess.

It doesn't seem as if he did drive to your place to pack up his stuff.... I am relieved that you got through the day. But everything about this is wrong.

Somethingyesterday · 22/08/2013 06:37

Sorry about auto-corrections. were both times.

SpottyDottie · 22/08/2013 08:19

If everything is as bad as it sounds then surely his parents would lend you money to go home as they must realise that a week of this would be untenable? If he's shouting, they would have heard. So something needs to be said anyway.

It seems you are able to speak to his DM in some way. Say you've thought about it overnight and as much as you are grateful for their hospitality you and the DC need to return home.

As for your DF acting all fine and taking the DC out today as if nothing is wrong should be stopped. All is not well, they are not his DC and you and they (not him) need to go home.

Once home, all his stuff needs to be packed and he needs to be gone.

Leverette · 22/08/2013 08:27

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WayHarshTai · 22/08/2013 08:36

Oh god this man is HORRIBLE.

Please leave him, being a single parent is SO much better than living with this abuse,and it is abuse.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 22/08/2013 08:58

Before he moved in I was totally financially independent. Now that he is part of the household my entire monthly wage from PT job goes on the rent to keep the roof over our heads, and I've got fifty pounds left per month.

I'm a little confused by this, if you haven't moved then what has changed about your situation that you go from financial independence to struggling? Have you changed from Ft work to PT? Is there any way to get back to FT working if so??

You seriously need to get this man out of your life, not least because if he is talking to you in the way you describe in front of your children then you are setting their expectations for a life of being treated like shit by their partners too.

Please, if you don't have the strength and self belief to leave this idiot for you then do it for them!

WayHarshTai · 22/08/2013 09:09

I imagine it's because she got a bit of HB towards the rent.

Seriously, kick him out.

He's horrible.

LineRunner · 22/08/2013 09:14

I was thinking the same as WayHarsh. I imagine the OP had a bit of housing and council tax benefits, a council tax discount, and more tax credits.

Once a partner moves in, a lot changes financially and the dynamics can be a shock.

DelayedActionMouseMaker · 22/08/2013 09:18

That of course makes total sense. :) not switched on this morning at all!

DorisIsWaiting · 22/08/2013 09:19

Why are you with him?

Just WHY???

This will only get worse in am so sorry OP but you REALLY need to get out of this one.