mismatched sex drives - crunch point. Dh threatening to leave.

[NotHerRealName]

I am so sad and confused writing this. I have had an extremely low sex drive ever since the birth of my first child 5 years ago. We now have a 2 year old as well. My DH and I manage sex once every fortnight or occasionally once a week.

I suffer with recurrent thrush, and I suspect I also have a rectocele too. The thrush means we have long periods of abstinence. I feel no urge to have sex, and don't masturbate. Pre kids I was fine. We had a great sex life before the kids when we met 7 years ago. Now I feel like my vagina is a mess and my self esteem has suffered.

Basically my DH has a high sex drive and I feel like he is always on at me to have sex. He grabs my arse and makes sexual inuendos frequently and to be honest I find living in a carry on film a bit of a turn off. I know its only messing about but it really annoys me. I also feel pressured to have sex, although when we do I always orgasm. I am very slow to warm up and suffer with vaginal dryness too.

To sum up, (if you have got this far) Last night he suggested we go up to bed for a bit of lovemaking. I apparently pulled a disgusted face. He feels absolutely crushed by this and thinks that we can't go on anymore like this. He has suggested we stay together til the kids are older then go our separate ways. Or he can leave now if I would rather.

I have been at work all day and as soon as I came home he has gone out. Hardly talking to me at all.

I have made an appointment with GP to see if a magic wand can be waved.

I fear my marriage is over. I feel so sad for my two children.

[JumbleJeff]

I got some this morning!! Wayhey!!
I jumped back into the sack, waited patiently and began with kisses to the neck and back - very lightly with no touching. It seemed to do the trick as within a few minutes she was in the mood ;)

[Moonface2]

I find it a turn-off when DB suggests 'going up stairs' as it makes it all clinical and unspontaneous. Just because men think about sex way more than women deosn't men we are unsexual - it just means we get turned on in different ways. Maybe he should try mentally stimulating you instead of grabbing your arse.

[Bubbles1066]

If you have had the children you want or are knackered from looking after the ones you already have, why would nature give you a sex drive? Getting pregnant again would be a huge strain on your body and it could even threaten the survival of the children you already have. So not wanting sex when you have young kids is perfectly normal for women anyway IMO. I for one was terrified of becoming pregnant again when they were babies but I find the older the kids get the more I feel like it as presumably my body could cope if I got pregnant again, so you get your sex drive back. It's nature if you ask me, nothing to do with not liking or fancying your partner.

[saintmerryweather]

jeff - a woman touches the way she wants to be touched, if she does soft touches and kissing then thats probably the way she wants you to be...as you can see it worked

[Longtalljosie]

How long has that Mirena been in for?

[perfectstorm]

his crude attempts to get you in the mood probably come from a long time of trying without success to take his time- believe me, there comes a point when being rejected again and again becomes too upsetting so these are likely desperate little aattempts to get you to show some affection. Reassure him you do still want him and work together on it. oh and don't use not being able to have full on sex as an excuse for not being intimate at all. It will just reinforce the message in his head that you can't bear to even touch him.

I think this is really good advice. These threads (women post on the other side of the situation, too) are always so sad, because to mind so much there is usually a lot of love there.

OP what hits me reading this is that you have what is fundamentally a good marriage. You just have completely lost interest in sex, but with your medical issues that isn't surprising. I think you do need to reassure your DH that it is not him, I think maybe really good pelvic physio or even surgery on the rectocele if you've completed your family, and some proper treatment to try to see the thrush off for good might be an idea.

I do also think that sex weekly is not bad at all with two small children, even without your medical problems. I think the fact you aren't enjoying it at all sounds more an issue than frequency, tbh - for him, as well as you, because he loves you and will want you to want him. I really hope counselling and medical help work for you. Good luck.