mismatched sex drives - crunch point. Dh threatening to leave.

[NotHerRealName]

I am so sad and confused writing this. I have had an extremely low sex drive ever since the birth of my first child 5 years ago. We now have a 2 year old as well. My DH and I manage sex once every fortnight or occasionally once a week.

I suffer with recurrent thrush, and I suspect I also have a rectocele too. The thrush means we have long periods of abstinence. I feel no urge to have sex, and don't masturbate. Pre kids I was fine. We had a great sex life before the kids when we met 7 years ago. Now I feel like my vagina is a mess and my self esteem has suffered.

Basically my DH has a high sex drive and I feel like he is always on at me to have sex. He grabs my arse and makes sexual inuendos frequently and to be honest I find living in a carry on film a bit of a turn off. I know its only messing about but it really annoys me. I also feel pressured to have sex, although when we do I always orgasm. I am very slow to warm up and suffer with vaginal dryness too.

To sum up, (if you have got this far) Last night he suggested we go up to bed for a bit of lovemaking. I apparently pulled a disgusted face. He feels absolutely crushed by this and thinks that we can't go on anymore like this. He has suggested we stay together til the kids are older then go our separate ways. Or he can leave now if I would rather.

I have been at work all day and as soon as I came home he has gone out. Hardly talking to me at all.

I have made an appointment with GP to see if a magic wand can be waved.

I fear my marriage is over. I feel so sad for my two children.

[Bowlersarm]

But it's not too late? He clearly still desires you, and it was only last night that he suggested an early night. Plus he doesn't want to go to relate in case there's no going back. It doesn't sounds like he wants your relationship to end.

Do you still want to work things out, or would you rather split?

[NotHerRealName]

No I really don't want to split, its the last thing I want. I feel so sad about it all, and so sorry for him too. I might call relate tomorrow and maybe go to a session alone to start with. Its so expensive though and i'm not sure how many sessions we can afford.

[appletarts]

Jeez mine would be delighted with that much sex!

[YoniBottsBumgina]

But it sounds like there might be no other way back anyway? I think Relate might well be make or break for you, but, on the other hand at least you would be able to actually get out what you are both feeling.

Very often on sex-drive difference threads I have a sort of gut feeling that it's not likely to work out but this one just feels so sad. It sounds like you (OP) are afraid to address the issues, perhaps because you are afraid of more pain, perhaps because you are worried that there are too many different issues and it will all be too hard, perhaps because in a small way you are rebelling against the sex pressure and thinking "why should I get it sorted, I don't want to have more sex anyway" ... all understandable and doubly so when you have 2 children under 5. And perhaps he is seeing the reluctance to get it sorted, trying to encourage your sex drive (in the worst way possible, it has to be said) with no results (hmm... wonder why? ) and ultimately he is lashing out because he is hurt by the rejection and, understandably, he is worried that the situation will never change and he doesn't want to spend his life with somebody who doesn't desire him. Sounds like he is afraid that he has become unattractive too. Which is not an excuse to take it out on you.

It just feels to me like you both probably want the same thing long-term - which is for you to enjoy and desire sex again, for him not to be badgering all the time and for sex to go back to the mutual, loving intimacy it was pre-DCs, even if it is a bit less frequent and adventurous for a few years while they are small. And it's so far from that at the moment that you've both lost sight of it.

I don't think it's too late to get that back, at all, but you will have to open up and talk about some painful things and acknowledge both of your parts in this. He can't blame it all on you when he hasn't dealt with the problem very well either. But it might also involve you seeking medical advice even if it is scary... hopefully if you can get the connection and intimacy back between you without sex for the time being, he can support you through this and not just because he is missing sex, but because he misses you and cares about you.

[lemonstartree]

from your DH perspective constant rejection is soul destroying and extremely depressing, You need to TALK - you need to explain that your possible rectocoele, thrush and general fatigue are not personal. You need to understand that if he loves and desires you, being constantly rejected is , tbh, extremely painful.
TALK and then talk again. This is NOT insurmountable..

good luck

[Bowlersarm]

I feel like I want to say something to help you OP, but I don't know what! I don't feel qualified.

I would imagine that most couples don't have matching sex drives, I guess it's just compromise to find a way that suits both people.

I probably have more sex than I would like, but DH would say he doesn't have enough sex. But we have worked out a middle ground that seems to suit both of us. It's the intimacy I get a kick out of, something our relationship has that is unique to our relationships with other people.

I think you need to talk to him. Let him know you want to find a way forwards together with this but you need his support (but not schoolboy grabbing-very unsexy).

I have no experience with Relate but hopefully someone here will have.

[ArtemisFoul]

Not related to the issue with your DH but the thrush. What have you tried beyond the medicine? I'd cut out all hormonal birth control and also the coil till you are more in balance down there. How is your general health? Good or run down? Are you under stress? All these things can aggravate problems like thrush where a natural balance is upset.

Have you tried a good quality high strength acidophilos (sp?) supplement, keeping baths to a minimum and shower instead just rinsing down there no washes or bubble bath, cutting out alcohol and high sugar and yeast or mould containing foods to see if this helps get the thrush under control.

Also, it may seem silly but have they taken swabs to confirm that it is definitely thrush? My friend was given script after script for her awful thrush till a locum noticed they'd never confirmed it was thrush but had diagnosed from symptoms. She had BV and a course of antibiotics and pessaries solved the problem in a week, she never smelt fishy so they'd never twigged it might not be what they thought.

[MajesticWhine]

Once every fortnight is not a disaster. I agree with lemonstartree that it sounds like you need to talk to each other more; explain everything to your DH; the medical issues, and the fact that the groping is a turn off, and also you need to give him space to talk to you about his feelings and acknowledge them.
I have experience of couples counselling (not specifically Relate) and I have no reason to believe it is a make or break course of action. It might help, and it might not. But I don't think it is likely to make things worse.

[arsenaltilidie]

Sounds like you got yourselves into a viscous cycle.
Health and body confidence issues - you want less sex - he feels rejected - acts desperate - turns you off - you want even lesser sex and repeat...

Sounds like you both care for each other, you need to talk without accusing each other because it seems like he is starting to check out.

[DistanceCall]

You have medical issues and need to sort them out. Thrush is HORRIBLE, chronic thrush must be hell on Earth. It is impossible any libido when you have thrush, much less a prolapsed anus, as you suggest.

Your husband seems to love you (and certainly fancies you), so that's good if you want to keep your relationship. He's not being exactly tactful, but it's being hard for both of you.

I think you should sit down with him, explain to him how you are feeling, and ask him for support. And then go to the doctor and counsellor and ask for help so you can start feeling better. There is no need for you (both of you) to suffer like this.

[valiumredhead]

Just wanted to add that relate isn't always the only option. Where I live you can self refer to a counselling service and it's free. Check with your doctor

[YoniBottsBumgina]

That's true OP - valium makes a good point. Worth looking at different options.

Also might be worth seeing if there is any service offered by your PCT for support with childbirth injuries/damage which I'm assuming the physical problems might well stem from? I know they can offer "debriefs" for upsetting or traumatic births and different areas may have different services. It is worth asking your GP. Ask to see a female one if you feel more comfortable.

[Xenadog]

OP I think you need to see the GP and explain everything to them that you have explained on here. They can get you and DH treated for thrush (to make sure you aren't passing it back and forth as someone else suggested) and it might be worth looking at your diet as well as that can help control thrush too. You would need to look this up but I think sugar can contribute to thrush. The doc should be able to help you with all of the medical issues you have with your body as well. Maybe take a list in of everything you are going through so you don't forget anything?

I think your DH is incredibly insensitive and crass in his "carry on" approach but that is because he feels rejected and hurt and doesn't know how to deal with stuff. Have you sat him down and told him that you would like to be up for more sex but with your physical issues, his approach which makes you feel pressured and just general tiredness from having the kids you don't have it in you to take things any further? He needs to understand what you are going through so he can support you.

The suggestions of Relate/therapy are good but I wonder if you just need to talk to him really openly and take it from there in the first instance?

[newbiefrugalgal]

Have you looked at the side effects of the mirena. This may be a factor!

[SolidGoldBrass]

Definitely see your GP and a gynaecologist, both for the thrush and the possible prolapse. These need to be sorted out for your benefit, not just for the sake of your H's dick.

As to the rest of it, there is nothing more offputting than constant pressure to have sex, particularly when having sex is physically uncomfortable. He needs to back off a bit - he can always have a wank if he's horny.

Having said that, if you have an uncomfortable vagina, there are other ways to have sex without PIV. If all he wants to do is shove his dick in you, that must be a bit tedious anyway; maybe his technique could do with some work.

[Himoutdoors]

It's really good that you want to stay together. Your DH needs to compromise and show understanding. Also are there ways you could compromise as well?

For example could your DH cuddle you for one week without trying to have sex or anything like that. And then could you use your hands to please him in the second week....you shouldn't have to endure any pain to please him.


Could you go on no sex dates out for dinner at times. He needs to take some of the pressure off you.....and perhaps you could occasionally engage in some non penetrative fantasy with him such as watching naughty movie or something.

[Guineapigfriend]

I suffered with chronic thrush for years and for the past 2 years I've had it twice. My treatment is a large dose of zinc as soon as I feel it starting and zinc for a couple of days after.
I also worked out that sex tended to result in flare ups, it doesn't if 1. I have to be pretty damp or use lubrication (try YES their water based one is just like the real thing and doesn't irritate) 2. We use the withdrawl method - I think semen can sometimes effect the balance of your vaginal PH.
I've taken long courses of fluconazole as well with no effect and I really cannot believe the simple use of cheap minerals could be so effective!

[Back2Two]

Lots of good advice here of course.
I so feel a bit sorry for your dh as well as totally sympathising with you.

Before the children, if he had been a bit Benny Hill on you, how would you have reacted? Maybe it used to be ok and now he isn't sure what else to do.

He is not aware of all the facts by the sound of it. You don't need to tell him about the physical changes you've experienced but remember he is not aware of the extent to how this is affecting you sexually. Maybe not telling him is good in terms of retaining some of your feelings of attractiveness. That's your choice of course.

It sounds as though you had children early in your relationship so it went from lots and all good on the sex front to this current situation. That's hard for both of you.

And I'm sorry, but is a "disgusted face" an example of you being sensitive to his feelings just as we're all aware he must be sensitive to yours?

You've had lots of advice about Counselling and addressing the thrush (I like taking female probiotics orally for thrush)

It may be too soon, but what about massage oil and you just being intimate without sex. Maybe he doesn't like masturbating....or maybe he is fed up of masturbating. No, he doesn't have the right to have sex with you but maybe he just really wants to and misses that part of your relationship. I don't see that as a fault.

[Smerlin]

I feel a bit sorry for your DH as well tbh- sex is part of a healthy relationship even if it is not a 'right' and you looking disgusted when he suggests it is really upsetting.

Yes he is not going about 'seduction' in the right way or sounding sympathetic but if he is a good DH in other ways, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and sit down and TALK to him about how you are feeling.

Also whether you stay together or not, you need to focus on getting your medical issues sorted- I also get recurrent thrush so know how awful it is.

I do think that with sex, getting out of the habit, whether through tiredness/illness etc, can affect how much you want it. You need to reconnect with the sexual side of yourself- you are not only a mother! I think getting the medical obstacles sorted would be the first step to this.

[NotHerRealName]

I do agree with the last few posts. In my defence I really don't think I even knew I was pulling a "disgusted" face. I thought it was more exasperation tbh as I was so tired and just wanted to relax.

An update for today, as I had my appointment with the GP. I have got a moderate rectocele (bowel prolapse) and a mild cystocele (bladder prolapse). I will be referred for surgery. When I told DH he did seem genuinely surprised that there was a medical problem. I did explain to him how it has altered how I feel about sex, but I said that it may just be part of the problem. He suggested we try the counselling, so that was encouraging.

Plus he is still with me, and hasn't left yet. So that is also good!

[Cheerymum]

Good on you for taking such positive steps!!

[Bowlersarm]

Great that you're both doing and suggesting ways you can move forward.

The best of luck.

[Reality]

There is a current thread either from your DH or from a man in a very similar situation, I was reading it earlier. Hang on and I'll see if I can find it.

[Reality]

This mightbe illuminating