mismatched sex drives - crunch point. Dh threatening to leave.

[NotHerRealName]

I am so sad and confused writing this. I have had an extremely low sex drive ever since the birth of my first child 5 years ago. We now have a 2 year old as well. My DH and I manage sex once every fortnight or occasionally once a week.

I suffer with recurrent thrush, and I suspect I also have a rectocele too. The thrush means we have long periods of abstinence. I feel no urge to have sex, and don't masturbate. Pre kids I was fine. We had a great sex life before the kids when we met 7 years ago. Now I feel like my vagina is a mess and my self esteem has suffered.

Basically my DH has a high sex drive and I feel like he is always on at me to have sex. He grabs my arse and makes sexual inuendos frequently and to be honest I find living in a carry on film a bit of a turn off. I know its only messing about but it really annoys me. I also feel pressured to have sex, although when we do I always orgasm. I am very slow to warm up and suffer with vaginal dryness too.

To sum up, (if you have got this far) Last night he suggested we go up to bed for a bit of lovemaking. I apparently pulled a disgusted face. He feels absolutely crushed by this and thinks that we can't go on anymore like this. He has suggested we stay together til the kids are older then go our separate ways. Or he can leave now if I would rather.

I have been at work all day and as soon as I came home he has gone out. Hardly talking to me at all.

I have made an appointment with GP to see if a magic wand can be waved.

I fear my marriage is over. I feel so sad for my two children.

[perfectstorm]

his crude attempts to get you in the mood probably come from a long time of trying without success to take his time- believe me, there comes a point when being rejected again and again becomes too upsetting so these are likely desperate little aattempts to get you to show some affection. Reassure him you do still want him and work together on it. oh and don't use not being able to have full on sex as an excuse for not being intimate at all. It will just reinforce the message in his head that you can't bear to even touch him.

I think this is really good advice. These threads (women post on the other side of the situation, too) are always so sad, because to mind so much there is usually a lot of love there.

OP what hits me reading this is that you have what is fundamentally a good marriage. You just have completely lost interest in sex, but with your medical issues that isn't surprising. I think you do need to reassure your DH that it is not him, I think maybe really good pelvic physio or even surgery on the rectocele if you've completed your family, and some proper treatment to try to see the thrush off for good might be an idea.

I do also think that sex weekly is not bad at all with two small children, even without your medical problems. I think the fact you aren't enjoying it at all sounds more an issue than frequency, tbh - for him, as well as you, because he loves you and will want you to want him. I really hope counselling and medical help work for you. Good luck.

[Longtalljosie]

How long has that Mirena been in for?

[saintmerryweather]

jeff - a woman touches the way she wants to be touched, if she does soft touches and kissing then thats probably the way she wants you to be...as you can see it worked

[Bubbles1066]

If you have had the children you want or are knackered from looking after the ones you already have, why would nature give you a sex drive? Getting pregnant again would be a huge strain on your body and it could even threaten the survival of the children you already have. So not wanting sex when you have young kids is perfectly normal for women anyway IMO. I for one was terrified of becoming pregnant again when they were babies but I find the older the kids get the more I feel like it as presumably my body could cope if I got pregnant again, so you get your sex drive back. It's nature if you ask me, nothing to do with not liking or fancying your partner.

[Moonface2]

I find it a turn-off when DB suggests 'going up stairs' as it makes it all clinical and unspontaneous. Just because men think about sex way more than women deosn't men we are unsexual - it just means we get turned on in different ways. Maybe he should try mentally stimulating you instead of grabbing your arse.

[JumbleJeff]

I got some this morning!! Wayhey!!
I jumped back into the sack, waited patiently and began with kisses to the neck and back - very lightly with no touching. It seemed to do the trick as within a few minutes she was in the mood ;)

[saintmerryweather]

my ex used to paw at me all the bloody time. it made me think.he only wanted one thing and was a turn iff. he turned every cuddle or even footrub into.an attempt at sex which he was crap at. when i was washing up and he would 'playfully' grab my arse it made me feel like he had some sort of a right to my body. if he had used gentle touches and stroking i might have got in the mood, but his way was 'comedyesque' grabbing. not sexy

[differentnameforthis]

I suggested relate this morning but he is reluctant as he is afraid of having it all laid bear and there being no way back

Or perhaps is is afraid that if someone else knows what he is like (pressuring for sex, sulking when you say no), he will have to look at who he is a bit more & won't like what he sees?

[differentnameforthis]

If you are having sex once or twice a fortnight, I think there may be other issues here!

He is an arse for making you feel uncomfortable about sex & to make innuendos when he knows you don't like it.

You have had 2 children, your body has changed, you don't feel great about those changes & to boot you are having a recurrent issue with thrush.

If he knows all this & still persists, he is an arse!

[JumbleJeff]

No medical problems, just young children, busy work lives and little sleep! I think that is the answer, my wife is always tired as she works tirelessly for the family. I help out and would like to think I am an equal partner but when it comes to bedtime we have very different expectations ;)

[Mrscaindingle]

I could have written this thread 5 years ago, except I didn't have ongoing medical problems.
Sparkly I am just learning to get used to being single again and I know already (amidst all the angst) that having a break from that pressure to perform is making me feel lighter already.

[Keepithidden]

you might still love someone and want to be in a relationship with them very much but you just don't fancy them in that way anymore whether that be a temporary or permanent thing.

Nail. Head.

I don't know what to solution is. I am just glad that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I'm as much in the dark as you, hence the endless trawling of these threads for answers that are increasingly unlikely to appear. Quite jealous of your position too.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Obviously, but look at all the nagging and heart ache that accompanies exercising that choice. How many people end up having sex when they really don't want to because the other person wants it? Or because they want it a certain way ie a big old session.

Why ARE there so many of these threads? Why do so many people go off sex with the people they have committed to? Why is it such awfully hard work? Serious questions btw. It seems that it can be discussed endlessly and a million reasons can be put forward for it but imo what it fundamentally boils down to is for many, you might still love someone and want to be in a relationship with them very much but you just don't fancy them in that way anymore whether that be a temporary or permanent thing.

I don't know what to solution is. I am just glad that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

[Keepithidden]

able to choose for myself when I feel like having sex rather than because my DP/DH want to.

I get the impression a lot of these threads exist because of the DP exercising their right to choose for themselves!

[Sparklysilversequins]

Who's not whose

[Sparklysilversequins]

JumbleJeff if I may just add to SGB excellent advice; stop the "carry on" it's NEVER a good look and will only serve to irritate beyond endurance a woman whose not really feeling it anyway.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I bet that was "actually I am knackered beyond belief and have spent the day attending to every body's else's needs but my own and now you want me to have physically demanding session with you when I could actually sleep for a year and barely have the energy to walk to the bedroom" look.

I can never offer anything constructive to these threads because they only make so thankful to be single and able to choose for myself when I feel like having sex rather than because my DP/DH want to.

[Themanfrommanc]

Would you be happy to have some foreplay and maybe masturbate him? I know it sounds like your milking a jersey cow but it would ease the pressure on you both and maybe defuse the issue to a great extent.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Jumblejeff: First, do you know if your partner has any health problems, such as those the OP had? If she has recurrent thrush or her vagina has been damaged by childbirth, then sex is going to be uncomfortable for her - she might need to see the GP.

Secondly, are you doing your share of the domestic work? This is important as it's hard to feel any lust for a man who is treating you as a combination of his mother and a servant. Your share is enough housework to enable your partner to have the same amount of leisure time that you have.

[thelongview]

MNers understandably tend to give the W's point of view, and there is nothing wrong with that. It also may well be true that it's partly H's fault for being crass and a turn off.
But it might be helpful to give an H perspective on this.
I went through this for quite a few years, and although I don't think of myself as having a particularly high sex drive, I found it was really difficult to deal with. It is "only" sex, and it shouldn't matter - but it does. It eats away at you: why is this person I am attracted to so uninterested in me? It is a sort of daily rejection. After a while you start to feel frustrated, unappreciated, unloved, etc.; and it goes from there. A vicious circle sets in.
Now, you might say: diddums! And in a way I would agree. But that sort of feeling exists, is hard to stop, and is a real threat to a marriage, even if there are DCs, and even if much else about the relationship is fine. It's very corrosive. I am not sure that Ws always understand quite how profoundly rejected their H can feel in these circumstances, and where that can lead.
On the other hand, you can't make someone have a libido. Pressurising just makes it worse.
It's a very difficult problem. First, of course you have to sort out any medical issues which are making sex uncomfortable. But the solution I eventually came up with is very corny I'm afraid: I decided that the only way to get DW interested was to try to get us to recapture that "in love" feeling again. To do this, I just started being, well, properly nice, as if we were "courting". I don't mean flowers and the whole palaver. I did simple things like looking at old photos and thinking about how I used to feel, and how I used to be with DW. It helped me change my attitude. It took time and patience, and the results are uneven; but it seemed to relight the fires enough to keep us both happy.
I hope it all works out for you.

[man4live]

I have been on your husband's side of a similar situation and think you have some good advice on this thread.
whatever you do don't bury your head in the sand and do take on board the fact that he is showing you he still desires you. Let that fact help you put your body fears to rest before you come to think of them as fact because after that you would have a tough time undoing it.
his crude attempts to get you in the mood probably come from a long time of trying without success to take his time- believe me, there comes a point when being rejected again and again becomes too upsetting so these are likely desperate little aattempts to get you to show some affection.
Reassure him you do still want him and work together on it.
oh and don't use not being able to have full on sex as an excuse for not being intimate at all. It will just reinforce the message in his head that you can't bear to even touch him.
best of luck. We worked it out so you can too.

[JumbleJeff]

Any chance of an update to this please? I ask as I have been reading as a man who feels just the same as your husband. I can be a bit 'carry on' at times, I like to flirt and I love to cuddle and steal kisses, but bedroom affection is at zero. I've been reading thread after thread looking for tips and this one has got me interested.

[Andro]

OP, I'm glad your getting medical help and considering counseling.

One other thing that struck me from one of your posts, is that you said you have difficulty switching from mummy to sexual woman. What about a less pressured change, say from mummy to wife? When was the last time you both dressed up a bit and had a nice meal together and maybe a glass of wine with some adult conversation (not about your dc)? It may be a way to build some intimacy into your relationship without the pressure of sex...and getting dressed up with your hair and makeup done just for your meal (home or out) with your DH might help to boost your confidence in yourself as a woman and make your DH feel 'worth' your time and effort (I'm not suggesting that you don't feel he's wroth it, but these things can get lost in the maelstrom of parenthood).

[Nottonightdarling]

No advice but in almost exactly the same situation except a) bury my head in the sand even more and acquiesce to sex a few times a week b) no thrush issues c) it's only been 2 years, not 5

[Wellwobbly]

A bit harsh I agree. But I don't think a husband can understand how traumatic birth can be, how bad we feel about stitches and scars, and quite how unsure we feel that you can now park a jumbo jet in our fanjos!

When I hear twunts men talking about 'stirring a bucket of porridge' I don't know whether to cringe or dispassionately watch them killing their own sex lives ...