DP is a lazy fucker.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

[Mwirren]

nosplashgash, as somebody who has battled with lack of identity and lack of confidence, I would suggest waiting until your youngest child is at school until you take on something as big as a degree. That is just my take. I know lots of people do it, but they have more fire in their bellies! more 'lift off'. I tried to do it too soon and I had no 'lift off'. I felt overwhelmed. I underestimated the value to getting to the point where I had equilibrium (on a practical level), confidence, security......

Don't let the title of that book put you off it. It is about dating I guess, but don't apply it to dating. Use it as a tool to understand why you ended up with the man you did end up with. That is what I took from it. Some of it is silly and American but the basic message is good.

I want to link something I saw on line about EFT. hang on. back in a sec

[pleaseleave]

is it this one, Mwirren?

[NoSplashNoGash]

Thank you, I think you're right, I definitely haven't chosen men that treat me well. In fact they've all treated me like crap.

I know exactly why I have no self-esteem, too... I have a toxic, abusive family to thank for that. In fact my "mum" constantly used to tell me I was disgusting, ugly, pathetic, mental and that nobody liked me so its no surprise really. I'm 24 now, although still young I guess!

[NoSplashNoGash]

Larosa- very true. He was quite pampered at home whereas I've looked after myself since I was about 12. Worlds apart.

[CoteDAzur]

Kick him out unless he starts being a parent. That involves getting up in the morning and parenting the children, and it also involves shaping up and finding work to support his family.

And please stop having babies for a while at least. Are you using proper contraception?

[ImperialBlether]

I think it would be really good for you to aim to go back to your degree in 2014. Would that be possible? Did you complete a year? A year would give you plenty of time to get yourself sorted with childcare etc.

Go onto the Entitled To website just to see what your situation would be if you were to live with the children.

What is his mum like? Would you trust her and him to have the children overnight sometimes?

I think you'd find it a lot easier if he wasn't there. It's depressing having someone around who doesn't pull their weight.

If your family was so bad I think counselling would be really good for you. At the moment I think a bucket of water over the head would be good for your partner.

[ImperialBlether]

And I hope you don't have any contact with your mum nowadays. You poor thing growing up with her.

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

I just got rid of a twunt that sounds identical to yours. I have also followed a pattern of falling for the wrong men.

I know how hard it is, I really do.

Get rid.

[Mwirren]

oh I hear you!

I was telling my mother what my psychotherapy had taught me, about three weeks ago. And she repeated it back to me, correcting my evaluation of what i'd learnt! so, she thinks she knows better than I do what I gained from my psychotherapy she thought it was self-indulgent so I haven't discussed it with her really. as she reminds me, her generation just sucked it up and got on with it.

But my mum never told me I was pathetic or ugly, so I am so sorry for you that you had to listen to that. She must have a low self-esteem too. Which is no excuse I know.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Cote- he got up at 11 because I heard the bin men and asked if he'd taken the bins out and he hadn't. He's being alright with me now (told him we need to talk so I think he's worried) but he's still watching some tripe on channel 5. Oh and re the contraception, yes I'm on the pill and although he reckons he wouldn't mind another (?!) I certainly would!

Imperial - I didn't complete the whole year as baby was due in May (no summer holiday for Midwifery!) but maybe I should try. I guess I'm just embarrassed to go "crawling back" even though my own tutor said I'm welcome to reapply any time I'm ready.

His mum is ok, and I would definitely trust her with the children (her and him i mean). It is definitely depressing. Yes if he wasn't here I'd have to do everything but at least I wouldn't be fighting the urge to go and beat somebody around the head!

My mother was awful and I managed to cut her out and feel better but then my parents went to a solicitor with a sob story and a wad of cash and now have monthly access to my children at their house. I'll get upset if I talk about that though, it's a horrible horrible situation.

Luis - well done!! How did you manage to do it? I fear the man I want to be with is a no existent fairy tale!

[Mwirren]

I am going to start up a thread about raising self esteem, soon, have to go out now, and I want you to join it nosplash. I will bring EFT to the table! it deserves its own thread.
I want to have a thread with affordable, accessible techniques for going ahead and raising self esteem. x

[specialsubject]

tough at only 24. Focus on what you are doing right - looking after and raising three kids, effectively single-handedly.

trouble is, you have a fourth kid. So issue that ultimatum - he either becomes more use or leaves. If the latter, you are no worse off!

and I join in the chorus of 'no more children'.

you can do it. You already are doing it!

[NoSplashNoGash]

Non existent*

[feelingvunerable]

Tell him to go.
Just that.
It may be a different situation but my dh left, different issues to yours.

I found out about ow.
I told him to collect his things and leave his key.
He refused so on the advice of a good friend I threw his things into bin liners and put them on the drive then changed the locks. He told me he wouldn't take them, i said fine they will be left there until a charity collection takes them. Apparently he was driving around with them in the car for over a week, so much for the ow being the love of his life, he couldn't even leave his stuff at hers.

I would take advantage of 30 mins free legal advice too.
Ask on here for what questions to ask and take a friend with you when you go.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Mwirren - will see you there! I'm pretty sure an aunt of mine is a renowned expert at EFT but she lives nowhere near me which is rubbish.

Thank you special- I have learnt a lot about myself and I know having another baby isn't the answer to my problems! So now just focusing on these crazy three

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

OP I got the police involved in the end - best thing I could have done. You would be surprised how much support is available, and what is actually classed as domestic abuse.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Feelingvulnerable- that's quite a good idea actually (re the sol!), although we're not married, so do I still need legal advice?

Fuck, I really am a doormat aren't I. I've "forgiven" him for so much. Lies, humiliation, and a whole lot more. But tbh, I think I hate myself more than I hate him... I'm the one allowing this shit to go on and on and on!

[MissDD1971]

I know what I would do.

This leech is dragging you down, physically and mentally.

Maybe you'd be able to restart degree etc without this millstone draped round your neck?

I hate to be a Debbie Downer but have had leech partner before and seen it with friends. They almost never shape up.

[feelingvunerable]

Don't blame yourself for trying to make it work.

You can still make use of the free legal advice.
I found it very helpful as stbx was filling my head with crap.
A solicitor will tell you the facts.

[NeedlesCuties]

He lies in bed all the time, doesn't shave or wash, plays computer games till all hours??



Seriously love, your DC and you deserve so much better. Low self-esteem or not, you need to get rid.

Whereabouts do you live? Reckon some MNers could head to your house with a bucket of water to chuck round him

You say you don't have family support. Do you have support from friends? Any relationships around which are 'healthy' that you can learn from?

[WithConfidence]

Have a read of this thread The good things about being single ( and living alone.

You would probably be happier! And when he had contact you could work on doing something with your own life.

[expatinscotland]

What a loser this nobber is.

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP I can see you waking up! Good! What a waste of space this man is!

FYI MY BF lost his job in May. This is what he has been doing (we don't live together). He has been looking after his kids more. Cooking everything from scratch which he loves doing but didn't always have time for when he was working. Looking (hard) for another job. (He has an interview right now so fingers crossed!!). He has been doing jobs round his house that he didn't have time for before. And round my house. He's been at my office to help me with my work because I'm overwhelmed.

He most certainly has not been lying in bed till 11. Or spending hours playing computer games.

Whatyour DP is doing is not right. Or normal.

I don't say this to sound smug. But to show you the kind of things that a real grown up man does when he has some time on his hands.

[Lweji]

So, he's not even looking for a job, is he?
Does he clean or cook?

You won't be losing much.

Do show him the door.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Thank you everyone! I have friend support, but most without children so I don't think they understand how crap/helpless I feel

Update: when he came downstairs he was rude to me. Told me to "shut the fuck up" (a common occurence) because I was NOT happy that despite telling him to smoke at the side of the house so the smell doesn't fill the living room he smoked at the front of the house. Smoking. What a waste of (our) money that is! Anyway...

I went upstairs. I took all his stuff out of the wardrobe/drawers. He told me I needed to "clean this mess up", I told him he needed to put it in bags. He did. He was very pissed off.

I'm now at baby group with one of the children, he's at home with the other two, I think he's going to his parents' later.

I definitely wouldn't have done what I've done so far without EVERY person on this thread saying he's a lazy shit and to get rid (or words to that effect.) And that's without me mentioning him pushing me around, taking drugs behind my back, lying to me for months, and forcing me into sex a number of times.

So yeah. I'm shitting myself about getting home. Please don't break down, Splash.