DP is a lazy fucker.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Tribpot- starved of affection. As you probably know, you've hit the nail right on the head. My friends can only do so much, but knowing that I should be able to go to my mum at such a tough time kills me. Even if I did still speak to her I know she'd blame me for the situation and probably even take DP's side. She has serious form for that. When an ex cheated on me at 17 I "drove him to it", apparently. Thank you mum.

I'm trying to take MIL's comments with a pinch of salt. After all, she's not the one having to put up with this.

Now I have a genuine question, but I'm worried it might offend. Please don't think it's meant to. Basically... I wouldn't say DP is of great intelligence. My question is... For those of you who would describe him as abusive, wouldn't he need to be quite clever to be so? For example, if you're going to control/manipulate someone, wouldn't you have to know what you're doing? I've always thought be just wouldn't have the capacity to be an abusive twat. Lazy, yes. Thoughtless sometimes, yes. But abusive? I'm not sure.

And for the lady who suggested Women's Aid... I've thought about this, but they were involved with me before, when I was with awful ex. My (lovely) key worker informed me that they can't give more than two years' support (unless you're still in trouble, of course) and by the time my two years was up, I was with DP and to the outside world deliriously happy. So I'm not sure i can even go back there, plus I'd be very embarrassed.

[NoSplashNoGash]

He just*

[NoSplashNoGash]

Itried - 'relief' is the right word. In a strange way I was quite looking forward to him going, although I'm terrified he'll go back to his party lifestyle and actually enjoy being away from me. And if he met someone else... Well, I can't even stomach that thought.

That's quite amusing though about mummy going to he shop for him. And yes, apparently when he was a child his dad was very shouty and his mum did all of the housework and childcare! He's not that bad, but it does annoy me that he's learned that behaviour to some extent.

[Lweji]

He doesn't have to be intelligent to be abusive.
My exH was somewhat limited.
They just need to be lazy, violent, selfish, childish, careless.

We do the rest. We hang up to little shreds of hope.
We give them the benefit of the doubt, we believe their good intentions and their apologies.

Never mind what he will think. You need nobody's permission to end a relationship.

Do contact WA. This is a different situation, and you do need help.

[LoisPuddingLane]

wouldn't he need to be quite clever to be so?

No. I know it's a fictional character but think of Bill Sykes in Oliver Twist. Not the sharpest tool in the box but very controlling and abusive. I don't know how the brain works, but I'm fairly sure stupid people can be just as abusive as clever people.

[Lweji]

although I'm terrified he'll go back to his party lifestyle and actually enjoy being away from me. And if he met someone else... Well, I can't even stomach that thought.

This is about you and control.

You want him punished and under your wing. Release the twat and you will find yourself free.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Also, think of someone like Fred West. Not really an intelligent bloke, but those who met him said he could be charming. He was clearly manipulative, and very dangerous.

[LoisPuddingLane]

If he should go back to his party lifestyle and meet someone, what would you be losing? Really?

[NoSplashNoGash]

Thank you Lweji, that's cleared it up quite nicely!

I never thought he was abusive because he doesn't try to stop me going out, in fact he actively encourages it. However, I've just realised something. I rarely bloody go out, so he has no need to try to stop me! Throughout our whole relationship I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding, so I've probably been out without him, and got extremely drunk, about three times. In 3 years. And I'm 24. Christ.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Don't worry, you have the rest of your life to get shitfaced and eat MacDonalds on the way home. When I finally got to go out I went a bit nuts I think.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Lois- thank you, you've been very helpful! Fred West analogy has opened my eyes somewhat... If he met someone else I guess I'd be losing face... He's the cool party guy with a new girlfriend and I'm the loser stuck at home. But then, I really don't know why I'm so preoccupied with what other people think. I've always been that way.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Haha that sounds like my ideal night out, especially the McDonald's! I have to make this happen and stop making excuses and staying in all the time... One day

[LoisPuddingLane]

But just think what his new girlfriend will have to put up with. No doubt he'd knock her up quite quickly to keep her "in her place" and then carry on as normal.

[LoisPuddingLane]

haha I only ever eat MacDonalds when I'm pissed. It's the kebab equivalent for me.

[Lweji]

You will never be the loser.
You are (eventually) on your way to a degree and higher earnings.
You have your children who love you.
You will take control and kick him out.
You will be happy in your home. You will see when you get rid.

He'll be the one with no job.
The father who doesn't care about the children.
The one living with mummy.

I'd pity any new girlfriends.

[Vivacia]

Neither "So that I'm not a loser at home" nor "to stop him being with someone else" are on my list of reasons why I'm with my partner.

[Mwirren]

Agree with the others, although it feels unfair at first when they first get a babe on their arm, you will envy his freedom more than you envy her. It's probably the injustice that will bite. That he gets to go and have fun while you are holding the fort. But there is more integrity for you there, you always were holding the fort, so that inevitability (him returning to a party life and pulling the birds) would show why the relationship ended.

Do not worry what his mother thinks either. My xmil thought I was lazy and selfish and blah blah blah. I think she knows now mind you. Not that she'd ever apologise.

During the last few years, whenever my x has briefly been with somebody he's been more cheerful, less awkward, less self-pitying......... so I like it when he meets somebody else. Although, to begin with when I had such young kids and he was as free as a bird it was hard. I was't jealous of his new girlfriends, I was jealous of his freedom! That passes though. I have enough distance now not to compare myself to him. It just no longer occurs to me.

I guess I pity him now. I know he's learnt nothing. You are living and learning (which is how I learnt all my lessons too! argh!) but, betcha anything he emerges from this experience labelling you a callous bitch and goes back to mammy and learns precisely nothing. Mammy will stroke his paw and feed his delusions about how it was so hard for him etc..... so you will have to disconnect yourself from what they think. Again, their interpretation of the event of your breakup (when that happens) will never be parallel with yours. But you can cope with that because what they think of you is none of your business!!!!!

[Mwirren]

ps, I know it's easy to type "don't worry what his mother thinks" but I know that when your self-esteem is a bit battered, that can be just another bullet, another punch in the gut. It was for me. But, you know what, she knows NOW.

[boldlittlebird]

Hi sweetseraphim, I'm in the southwest. Why Cheshire?

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

Hey Splash, just checking in. Sorry I haven't been here today, another 12 hour day.

My ex has gone straight to another woman (or 2 if certain reports are to be believe).

Of course I feel weird about it. But this was my thought process:

The cow! How dare she?
I wonder what he's told her?
God I hope he's not doing the same to her...
Shit! Should I tell her? It really seems she doesn't know!
You know what? She is welcome to him! Would I ever want the abusive, lazy, disrespectful, misery-inducing, sponging, pathetic excuse for a human being back? NO.

Because I DESERVE BETTER, as does my child.

And now I'm kind of...not bothered and thinking about the future - mine, not his. Hard days, easy days, regrets, joy, ENDLESS reliving of the past.

To be honest, if he does find another woman, it doesn't matter. It is you, your children and his responsibility as a father that matter.

Um, sorry for that, bit waffly. Still here for you.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Luis- you weren't waffly at all. It's just crazy knowing that even one person is thinking of me. So thank you.

I'm soooo glad that you're feeling more positive about your situation now. The in-between bit is so shit!

Yesterday was ok; he looked for jobs, I think applied for one, got up at a more reasonable time, did a fair amount of housework, left the iPad upstairs, started running again in preparation for the forces...

But I just hope you're all going to be here for me in a few days/weeks/months, because I'm almost certain this change won't last.

[Br0na]

We will be. This particular thread might sink, but if you post update on the xbox lazy fucker, we'll know it's you! I name change often.

He may be behaving himself a bit better right now so it complicates the dynamic. He may well feel absolutely entitled to a clean slate from the moment he is less lazy and sexually abusive.

I bet if you indicated that you needed time to figure out whether or not his clean slate meant jack shit or not, things could sour in a moment.

All of the things you need to figure out are inside your own private space, your head. So, whether or not you want him is the issue. Not whether or not he believes you ought to. Whether or not you can put up with him, not whether or not he believes you are worse, or you made your bed, or blah blah blah..............whether or not you can over look the forced sex is another issue not whether or not he believes t was no big deal, so, whether or not you want to stay, or leave, or make changes........ all of that is what's probably going on in your head?

What he feels entitled to, what he thinks of it all, that's not your main business. Try to drown out the commentary of his voices, his needs. I hope I'm making sense. I know I could hardly think straight with the cacophony of voices shouting out his entitlements, his needs, his mind set.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Br0na- that is a good point that I actually hadn't considered; I'm certain that if I said to him today "Sorry, I need more time to think, maybe you should go to your mum's" he would instantly flip back into "What the fuck? You're crazy, whatever Splash, fuck off!"

Hmm not great is it? And haha, will be sure to use the phrase "lazy fucker" if I ever have to make a new thread!

[Lweji]

You need to have very clear in your mind what the threshold will be to send him on his way.
And stick to it.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Lweji- the problem I have with "threshold" is that I'm more concerned with what he, or even just the general public, would think.

For example if he lays in bed again until 12 and ignores my pleas for help then I would want him out. But I wouldn't be able to do it, because I don't want him, or anybody else, to think "You threw him out over a lay-in? "

He worked away at the beginning of the year, and it as blissful (apart from the sudden abundance of spiders!). But everyone used to ask me pitifully how I'm coping, as it must be so hard on my own with three kids, and I used to say "Actually... It's easier without four!"

I WILL be confident again.