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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP is a lazy fucker.

179 replies

NoSplashNoGash · 19/08/2013 10:06

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet Hmm

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 19/08/2013 14:14

Firstly sell his computer console and all the games - you need to bring some money in and he needs to contribute. If he doesn't like it tell the fucker to get off his arse and find a job.

Secondly look at yourself objectively. Yes you do have children with this man plus one other which can make life difficult on a practical level but you also have a brain, are compassionate and can clearly manage as a single parent.

Thirdly you are aware the relationship you are in is not working for you but feel that due to your own self-confidence issues you can't leave. You know you need some sort of therapy to help you with this - go to the docs and hassle them big time to arrange something for you.

Lastly, once you have worked on the self-esteem issue kick this joker to the kerb. You are only in this prison because you are scared to try to the key but I know that it is easy to say leave him when I don't have the same worries and concerns as you. I think you need to be more robust emotionally to kick him out. An action plan as a way forward will give you something to cling to when it gets too much and you will know that you are helping yourself. As others have suggested find out what financial support you could get if you were to be on your own and I also know that (from when I had tenants) you can get his name taken off the rental agreement and leave just yours on without too much effort.

Oh and do think about going back and studying - there may be other types of help for you if you do.

You don't have to live this life but only you can change it. xxx

AnotherStitchInTime · 19/08/2013 14:15

He needs to step up or ship out. As you said you don't want another child, especially not a man size one.

When you are ready to go back do it. My SIL had to take time off her nursing degree to have her dd5 who was premature, born at 30 weeks and in SCBU. She has finished now despite having to take lots of time off and has a good job. She is a single parent with 4 kids still at home.

You know as a single parent student you may also be eligible for specific fund financial support as well as qualifying for housing benefit.

MrsOakenshield · 19/08/2013 14:18

that's fantastic OP! What an utter shit to tell you to 'shut the fuck up', how dare he, useless, sponging waste of space that he is.

As you've realised, one of the best things you can do is keep posting on MN. I am very fortunate in never having needed to post on relationships, but I am always staggered by the amount of wise, generous help, support and advice that posters give to those who need it.

Best of luck to you and your DC.

MrsOakenshield · 19/08/2013 14:19

oh my lord, I have just properly read your last post - he's raped you? More than once??

Your DC do not need a rapist in their lives. Not now, not ever ever again. As far as I'm concerned, he should be out for good.

AnotherStitchInTime · 19/08/2013 14:28

OP he is not just a lazy fucker.

No, he is an abusive rapist.

You deserve better, he is like a leech sucking your confidence from you.

You can and are already raising 3 children pretty much single handed.

You are intelligent and capable and worth so, so much more.

Just think how much lighter you will feel when you get rid of the man size parasite you are currently carrying around.

Please talk to Women's Aid to get some support 0808 2000 247.

comingintomyown · 19/08/2013 14:32

WithConfidence I loved that thread !

Lweji · 19/08/2013 14:34

He seems dangerous.

Please take a friend with you.
Or even his mum, if you trust her.

showtunesgirl · 19/08/2013 14:34

Run, OP, just run.

Tiredemma · 19/08/2013 14:38

In addition to lazy fucker I would throw in Grade A Cunt also.

He is of no worth to you- and rapes you. Seriously you may have no self esteem at the moment but that is because of him.

Throw him out.

encyclogirl · 19/08/2013 14:42

What an horrible, horrible 'man'. You can do so much better OP.

Stick to your guns and get him out.

He rapes you? What a pig.

Xenadog · 19/08/2013 15:00

OP our posts must have crossed - you know you don't need this lazy, abusive, selfish man so I suggest you make sure he goes and stays gone. xx

SweetSeraphim · 19/08/2013 15:00

This is the first time I've ever said LTB.

He's vile. I've had one of these, left him when dd was 6 (she's now 15) and managed perfectly well, honestly. It's a bit of a struggle at first, but you get used to it, and it's a joy without having to be responsible for a manchild like him.

I'm with someone else now, for the first time ever, another ADULT that pulls his weight with domestic tasks and children. He still needs a kick up the arse sometimes Hmm but over the years, I've learned not to take any shit.

He's not a man Splash - he's a lazy, selfish fucking rapist. Seriously, get rid. You and your lovely children will be so much better off without him Thanks

LuisSuarezTeeth · 19/08/2013 15:21

This man is an abuser.

Stay strong and GET HIM OUT. You and your children deserve so much better.

You have so much support here. Keep posting, I am thinking of you x

NumTumDeDum · 19/08/2013 15:30

Get an appointment with a solicitor. You need to make an application for a transfer of tenancy under The Family Law Act and get that tenancy in your sole name. You should also take advice on whether you should apply for a non molestation order. It sounds to me like you should. Give Women's Aid a call, as advised above, they are so helpful and supportive.

KatieScarlett2833 · 19/08/2013 16:16

Love, you will get much more support from Uni funding if you are a lone parent than if you are stuck with that twat. Get him out, get on the phone to the DWP and Tax Credits and reclaim your life.

ohforfoxsake · 19/08/2013 16:16

Nosplash - stay strong. You didn't need us to tell you he is a lazy fucker.

Now finish what you've started and make him clear out. You won't notice he's gone - except that life will be easier, less frustrating, if a little more logistically difficult.

Don't know where you got this idea from that you aren't up to much - seems to me you are a pretty strong, clever woman with her whole life ahead and three children who will grow up proud of you.

Good luck.

missbopeep · 19/08/2013 16:24

He's still a child.

I have 2 children now adults- both older than you and your partner.
There is no way either of them would want or could cope with 3 children under 5 - unless of course they had made a conscious choice to do that, which they haven't.

In all honestly this boy- which is what he is- is not long term husband-partner material. He's far too young to take on the care of 3 children, one which is his and was born when he was 21?

You shouldn't be thinking along the lines of which other men will want you etc, you should be forgetting about men for a very long time and focusing on getting a career or a job to support your children.

Let this guy go- he's not going to be what you want. Send him back to his mum where he belongs at his age, until he can support himself.

WeAreSeven · 19/08/2013 16:29

My dsis was with a man that that.

When he was working and she was studying, she did most of the donkey-work.
She thought when it was her turn to work and his to study, that he would do the donkey-work. He didn't.
When her dd was 6, the head called her in and advised dsis that because her dd had missed a lot of school days, that SS would have to be told if she missed any more. dsis was shocked as she hadn't realised her dd had missed so much school. When her dp was supposed to be bringing their dd to school, he was lying in bed. When dn asked her Dad to bring her to school, it emerged he was telling the child to fuck off!Angry

Dsis LTB! She is now much happier, has met someone who pulls his weight and my niece is much happier now!

Mabelface · 19/08/2013 16:30

If you're scared to go back home, take someone with you, because I bet he wouldn't hurt you in front of someone else. I'd even be tempted to ask a police officer to go with you and ask him to leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2013 16:34

What all the other respondents have written.

Not surprised that this arsehat wants more children by you; he will use them to keep you further trapped and beaten down.

At least you are self aware enough to realise that your own upbringing at the hands of toxic parents contributed to the situation you now find yourself in. You can get out of this hole that you have partially dug for yourself and this male abusive cocklodger (such men often target single mums) needs to be gone from your lives asap.

With regards to counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

(Grandparents do not have automatic rights to see their grandchildren in the UK so was wondering how your toxic family have managed to see their grandchildren once a month at their house).

Mabelface · 19/08/2013 16:37

Oh yes, what Attila said about the grandchildren. They may have sent letters through a solicitor, but have they actually been to court to apply for access to the children? I doubt it, and you can say no to the children going there.

Mwirren · 19/08/2013 17:38

oh bless you you poor thing, coping with all this virtually alone, and now you reveal that on top of being a lazy entitled useless article he has forced you to have sex.

I think you are seeing him through fresh eyes. There 's no way you can go back to denial now is there?

At least if you kick him out, he will just go back to his mummy and daddy's and play xbox 24/7. I hope that you will be spared the bullshit of him deluding himself that you and he have some sort of loving or supportive relationship.

He shows you no respect, no emotional or practical support with the children, and he forces you to have sex.

you are a strong woman, although at 24 I wish you didn't have to be so strong. But your strength and maturity and self-awareness, and in time, your ambition will get you to a better place. You will have an easier rewarding life when you have taken the first step in the right direction which is of course, getting this useless abusive man out of your house.

Brew
Mwirren · 19/08/2013 17:40

First step. Get rid of him.
Second step. Start doing exercises to raise self-esteem!

Keep posting.

xx

Mwirren · 19/08/2013 17:46

ps, my x was similar when I tried to open up any discussion about improving my lot. If I wanted more help with the children, or if I wanted to talk about childcare with a view to my working so that I could be more independent he always shut that right down by reacting so aggressively. He effectively trained me never to ask for anything for myself, because if I asked for anything, money, driving lessons, help, it just resulted in a big row. So after 8 years with him I had trained myself to totally sublimate all needs. Whilst of course, having a heightened awareness of all of his Hmm so, you can see why I stayed away from men for five years! Not because I hated all men. I always blamed only my x for the behaviour of my x. But I was determined to re-calibrate that barometer inside my own head, ykwim.

peggyundercrackers · 19/08/2013 17:50

sorry but if he was still in bed at 9am he would have a bucket of cold water over him every day til he gets the message he needs to get up - if he couldnt handle it then he can get the fuck out. his games console would be given to a local charity shop too.