DP is a lazy fucker.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

[Mwirren]

I'd drop the games console off at his mum's house. He'd follow it soon enough.

[FatPenguin]

Get rid of the piece of shit, you don't need him in your life.
Keep posting on here. Do you have anyone in RL who can help you?

[Vivacia]

I agree that this sounds a very dysfunctional relationship, but disagree with comments that it's because he's too young. I'm sure most of us can think of men his age, or younger, being great parents.

[MrsOakenshield]

well, I know that a fair few blokes I knew at that age would have been crap dads. But, more importantly, they weren't rapists either.

[Jux]

Do not hesitate to call the police if you feel remotely threatened or scared, either for yourself or the children.

He's a cocklodger. You will do excellently without him dragging you down. You can get your Uni course sorted again, restart and live a full, good life. But not with him.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Oh god. So many amazing people giving sensible advice. So what I'm going to say next is going to let you all down.

I spoke to his mother, and she was happy to "take him back" but urged us to talk. We did talk. I got upset.

Aftet a few minutes he took me upstairs and apologised and had suggested ways he can change. And so I haven't thrown him out. His things will remain in bags, but he is still here.

He said he's going to ditch the ipad in the daytime for a start, and try to control his temper.

How low and desperate must I be, to take all this in and let him stay. I don't feel brilliant for it. I hope he will change, but I'm very dubious.

As for my parents, it was through solicitor's letters but I have no doubt they'd take it to court if I refused contact (they have wealth on their side at least!). My solicitor said they were very likely to get contact based on the fact they'd had a lot of contact with my son (looked after him when I was at uni/had a part time job etc). Its shit.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Oh, re the sex - I've had so, so many shit things happen to me in life that I think I must have an extremely warped view of what is acceptable in a relationship. He'd laugh if I called it rape!

[Mwirren]

I just saw this on another thread nosplash

Men live down to your expectations of men.

This guy forced you to have sex when you didn't want to, so I just want to remind you that just because he feels he's owed another chance doesn't mean that you are obliged to give it to him. His mother doesn't know that he forced you to have sex when you didn't want to.

Carry on "working on yourself" for now. (sounds very LA I know!) If you're still with him for now I think the best way you can make sure that you don't take shit is to go and buy that book, pleaseplease linked to it earlier.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Thank you Mwirren, do need to get this book ordered!

[Mabelface]

It IS rape though. You have the right to say no to sex in any way, shape or form. He won't change, I promise you that. He'll make an effort for a while, but then he'll slip back into normality and you'll be back where you started. Also, what Mwirren said, you're not obliged to take him back just because he wants you to.

[WeAreSeven]

No more chances for this guy, NoSplash. He must be absolutely on his last warning.

[Mwirren]

I know what you mean about him laughing if you told him he'd raped you. My x had sex with me when tears were rolling down my face. I felt so humiliated, so revolted, so cross with myself for allowing it. I knew he would have laughed if I'd called it rape too.

Don't make the mistake of prioritising his interpretation of an event over your interpretation of an event. It's your prerogative to call forced sex. This is really linked in to self esteem there. If you perceived it to be a dreadful experience that you told him you did not want, then whatever the label, you are entitled to your interpretation of that event. His interpretation of it as conjugal rights and no big deal as you've slept wth him willingly in the past does nOt trump or cancel out your interpretation of it. I hope you see what I mean.

Do you want to sleep with him again? could you bear to? He is the one who is begging for a second chance with you. Don't feel obliged to sleep with a man who you really want to be free from. Please get that book by sherry argov about holding your own in a relationship.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Madlizzy- you're right, I even said this to him ten mins ago. I think he even convinces himself he will change.

Sex is not on my list of priorities. I'm tired and still breastfeeding an almost 9 month old. And I will be saying no. Interesting points about interpretation, Mwirren. I never thought of it like that.

I don't know why I've always put him on such a pedestal... Possibly because my partner before him was even worse, believe it or not. So I mistakenly saw DP as a knight in shining armour. Maybe it was just an illusion.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Conjugal rights my arse. Forced sex is rape, even if you live as if married to the man. If you do not want someone to have sex with you and they do, it is rape. Please don't value yourself so lowly.

It is disappointing that you haven't slung him out, but it's your life. We will probably keep saying it's best you get rid of him though. I suspect there'll be an attempt to change for a few days, then back to normal. Someone who can routinely tell you to shut the fuck up (this is NOT normal behaviour by the way) is not likely to change very much.

If I were you, I would start making some enquiries so that when you do (and it will be WHEN) chuck him out, you have a support network ready.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Can I suggest another book? Anne Dickson's A Woman In Your Own Right : Assertiveness and You. You can buy a second-hand copy on Amazon. I have read Sherry Argov's book Why Men Love Bitches and it has some good points but I think it takes a slightly different angle to the one that will really help you, as you have said that assertiveness is a big problem for you. Once you feel more comfortable with being assertive you can look at exercising that in a relationship (perhaps a new one...) with the help of Argov or similar.

[Mwirren]

Good that we're making you feel you have the right to view what's going on through your own eyes nosplash. Sorry if it seems like I'm telling you what to think. Because I think that's what he's been doing.
If you challenge him and ask for something he'll react aggressively and that tells you that you have no needs, that you have no right to ask for anything. You've been absorbing these messages even though rationally and intellectually you know you have needs and you have your own judgement.

[Mwirren]

Sounds good Snazzyen, and I will look it up too. I know I feel a bit further along the 'journey' but I am still trying to reinforce the positive messages.

[Nagoo]

You have had some fantastic advice on here.

It's like watching the dawn lighting up across someone's face.

Keep posting.

[Mwirren]

Just put a second hand copy of that book in my basket snazz. They are sold out of new copies! that is a good sign. It gets four and a half stars. Right that's it. I'm buying it. I am also going to start doing EFT again. "even though I have been rejected and judged in the past, I totally and completely love and accept myself. The truth about me is that I'm clever and competent and reasonable and decent and I deserve a job I like". It helped me too. I should have kept going with it.

[KatieScarlett2833]

You come across as a very smart, educated person. I think you'll get there sooner than you think.

[tribpot]

You are drastically minimising how dreadful this man is. I would challenge you to read back through your posts on this thread and read them as if someone else had written them. What would you advise? I very much doubt it would be 'put him on a warning and let his stuff stay in bin bags'.

This charmer has offered to try to control his temper. Big of him. How about getting up with the children before noon, or finding another job, or both?

Good luck, OP. You need it.

[SweetSeraphim]

What tribpot said. And I would listen to her, as she gave me some stellar advice a couple of years ago which helped me with a horrible situation. She's a good egg

OP, do what you have to.... but I think you will regret it. I really hope you don't.

[LoisPuddingLane]

The good thing is - you're not alone now. You have some very fierce and compassionate people here cheering you on.

[Mwirren]

cutting and pasting one of the reviews of the book snazz linked to.

I'm looking forward to this book arriving now.

"I love this book. The author lists 11 basic rights. For some people they might seem self-evident but they weren't in my case and putting them into practice changed my view of being in the world quite profoundly.

The rights are:
I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life
I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent capable and equal human being
I have the right to express my feelings
I have the right to express my opinions and values
I have the right to say "yes" or "no" for myself
I have the right to make mistakes
I have the right to change my mind
I have the right to say I don't understand
I have the right to have the right to ask for what I want
I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's problems
I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval

In relating to other I can be
Passive - giving up my rights
Aggressive - forcing other to give up their rights
Indirect - manipulating others to get what I want
Assertive - Ensuring that my rights are respected as well as respecting the rights of others

I could quote whole passages from the book but if you only wanted to read one chapter then it would have to be, `Saying No'. In my experience being assertive has helped me state who I am as well as acknowledge differences in others. I find it a "a way of being" that genuinely honours both myself and the other person or group I am dealing with. "

[WithConfidence]

Has no-one said it yet? (Apols if so) But get yourself some Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?"

It will show you that these men are not like this because they are lazy or whatever. It is because deep down they feel they deserve to do whatever they please and it is in their interests to keep it that way. So it's not in his interest to change. He doesn't want a marriage of equals who respect and cherish each other, he wants a slave.