DP is a lazy fucker.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Ok, thread title may be a slight harsh, but seriously. I'm losing the will to cope.

DP is not in work (made redundant in June) and has always been shite in the mornings but its getting fucking annoying now. He gets up between 10 and 12 most mornings, leaving me with three DC under five. I have no family support.

I'm so bloody resentful, the kids love him and DD1 thinks its great cuddling a half asleep daddy even though I'm the one who gets up with them.

Some mornings I leave the baby in bed with him while I sort the older two but the other day I came upstairs to find her absolutely screaming and him fast asleep wrapped in the duvet

Sorry this is a muddle, I'm pretty angry right now, this isn't the only issue. What do I do? I've tried forcing him to get up, leaving him to it, suggesting taking it in turns to lay in, and nothing works. Even when he had a job he'd ignore his alarm and end up rushing out of the door. He's 22, if that makes a difference.

Is this a problem? Am I just a control freak? Never posted here before.

[OrangeDaffodil]

I'm a man.

I'm young. (30's)

.. but I'm not like this child you describe at all. He sounds like an embarassment and quite revolting.

Instead of wasting your youth with a complete loser, get rid, study if you would like to, gain your health back, focus upon 1 or 2 small dreams, and then hopefully some nice chap out there will be lucky enough to have the opportunity to date a happy, healthy and lovely young woman (YOU!!!).

And please follow the excellent advice offered by the posters here regarding practicalities. AND please take care. There are really some very decent, hard working and kind men out there and they're not all taken. Bet they would love a date with you once this dip stick has scurried off to cash converters to reclaim his joystick. :)

[SweetSeraphim]

[KatieScarlett2833]

"Scurried off to Cash Converters"

[fishandlilacs]

tell him to ditch the console or you'll first delete all his saved games, you know the ones that got him this or that achievement, the ones he really worked for or you'll cut the bloody plug off.

Life is all about balance.

[OrangeDaffodil]

yes, lots of plonkers near where I live, all with (very small) joysticks, all knocking on the cash converter door.

hope i did an ok job for mankind! (my present gf would shove it where the sun doesn't shine if i were like this boy) -good for her too!

[froubylou]

Please don't continue in this relationship.

To be honest he can't be happy either living like that. You are worth so much more than a half life caring for your children and pandering to a man who has no respect for you or himself.

It will be hard at first but it will get easier I promise.

Look into doing some more studying. Even if it is via OU at first. You may get some help with fees etc. I'm sure they do an access course to ease you back into studying.

[LoisPuddingLane]

While he's sleeping tomorrow morning (and you can guarantee that he won't be up any earlier than 10, even if he's on good behaviour), cut all the plugs off his playthings. Throw them away. And then go out...

[Mwirren]

wrt the suggestion of reading the lundy book, I've read that one and it was very good, but when the OP says this

"Fuck, I really am a doormat aren't I. I've "forgiven" him for so much. Lies, humiliation, and a whole lot more. But tbh, I think I hate myself more than I hate him... I'm the one allowing this shit to go on and on and on!"

it is like she's skipped forward a stage. When I left my x I was quite obsessed with why he'd treated me so badly. I was really hung up on that. And this book did help me realise that it was about him. It took me a while to ask myself that really hard question *why did I allow it?". OP gives me the impression here she's not too hung up on analysing why this guy is the way he is. She wants to know why she's putting up with it and fix that. Which is brilliant OP. At 24 you're more self-aware than I was at 35

[Mwirren]

orangedaffodil oddly enough I have never thought that all men were like my x. My Dad, uncles, male cousins, friends' husbands, they are all decent men, so I knew that my x was exceptionally horrible and yet I still stayed with him so I never thought he was representative of All Men! So, why did I put up with it for as long as I did/ must have felt exceptionally worthless I guess.

[OrangeDaffodil]

Like the idea of Lois, but nothing will upset him more than if you spend the next few days talking to the benefits people, the University people, charities, support networks etc, truly finding out your financial options and opportunities and then saying 'I don't need you any more'.. 'goodbye'...

don't waste a millisecond on trivial things, focus upon the big stuff. He's horrid. You aren't. He seems to need you in an unhealthy way. Trust me, you don't need him.

Empower yourself by having all the facts at your disposal. It's like when a person is ill, it's so much better to know the 'deal'.... I have a sneaky feeling that the ladies here who have talked about Uni's being far more financially open to single mums are spot on.

Wow, imagine how much of a waste of space he would feel once you've really made some positive decisions.... Imagine who you might meet on a course??

He will then be really stuck with his petite joystick and all alone!!!!!

[Vivacia]

well, I know that a fair few blokes I knew at that age would have been crap dads. But, more importantly, they weren't rapists either.

I think you misunderstood my point oakenshield. I was saying that he's not a rapist shit because he's young. Ie there's no cause and effect due to age.

[Vivacia]

NoSplash don't worry about disappointing anyone here. You don't owe any of us a thing. These things you're dealing with - they're big and I believe that working through these is a process which is going to take longer than 24 hours. I echo the advice to keep posting and thinking things through.

[Vivacia]

Meant to ask too, what does your nickname mean?

[boldlittlebird]

Hi nosplash - please don't hate yourself for not being able to leave your partner straight away. Don't get me wrong - in my opinion, from what you've written, the other ladies posting here are absolutely correct - he has behaved appallingly and you deserve much, much better than him. However, speaking as someone who had been through an emotionally abusive childhood (your mum's words sound familiar), I know the kind of toxic self-loathing and self-doubt that that breeds, and I imagine you're probably criticising yourself brutally for not being able to make that leap straight away.

You haven't failed.

Recovery takes time, as does strength. Maybe you couldn't do it this time, but you can do it the next time, or the time after; it's not that you're weak or despicable, it's that you need time to get used to really feeling and thinking for yourself. I know what it feels like not to be able to tell the difference between your genuine self and what abusive others tell you you are.

You can do this. If you can possibly do it, I would absolutely recommend counselling or psychotherapy (I've done both, and it was absolutely life-changingly wonderful and not at all scary). If not, then reading will absolutely help. I found reading around my childhood problems helped resolve the present-day 'symptoms' of it: low self-esteem, anxiety, depression etc. 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward is a good starter.

I can hear from your writing that you're funny, clever and determined, and that's just on a screen You're a survivor, and like lots and lots of us who've gone through crappy beginnings, you've got a wonderful rest of your life ahead of you. It will be better than this, and you can make it that way.

ps - I love your nickname. I once heard an aftershave seller shouting that in a club toilet, along with 'No Armani, no punani', and 'No spray, no lay'

[OrangeDaffodil]

Am I allowed to say 'petite joystick' but mean something else on mn?????

Must go.... ladies to save (or maybe it's my dinner in the oven) .. that ready meal really needs saving/a miracle/a priest offering last rites..

[KatieScarlett2833]

Yes, it's Freudian or something

[Vivacia]

Nevermind about the nickname. I Googled and apparently it does mean what I feared it meant.

[Shyer]

Tbh, I'd work on yourself before you start on your partner. Anyway, if your eldest (albeit not his) DC is 4 or 5, yr DP must have known what was on the cards since he was 17 or 18. And not much has happened from him, has it.

You might be scared to bin him in case you don't get another man - a lot of single childless people are scared of not getting a man too (a lot aren't, incidentally).

But you won't get a man with him around, either. He's doing you no good.

You might have to face the fact that a lot of 22 year old men simply aren't up for 3 kids and the lifestyle of someone 20 years older. Most 22 year old women wouldn't be either. Honestly, the last thing I would do now is consider another child, and the first thing would be to get a job.

[SweetSeraphim]

boldlittlebird are you in Cheshire??

[LuisSuarezTeeth]

OP I know what you are doing, I did it too.

You kind of have to reverse a bit to get a run-up to the track. So that when you go, you have the momentum to keep going.

We'll be here to catch you.

BTW my ex was either on IV facebook, Twat-Box or glued to the TV. Jeremy Kyle was a favourite - he regarded it as a documentary

[NoSplashNoGash]

Wow. Certainly didn't expect this much response/advice when I posted. So thank you. If I do end up leaving him I WILl require you lot on here telling me I've done the right thing!

It's also been so strange having so many 'compliments'; I'm DP does sing my praises but they're mostly of a sexual tone(!), it's like he has minimal interest in the intelligent, caring and ambitious woman I know I was, and can be.

Will seriously consider reapplying to uni at some point (I often think about this anyway), and yes the nickname is apparently something nightclub toilet aftershave sellers shout at men!

Also had a smile about Cash Converters. God you're all so right though, he'll never get rid of that thing! He didn't actually have it when we met...

Currently in bed giving DD2 her morning feed, DP thinks he will get up at 8-8:30... I'm so bloody pessimistic but I can't see this lasting. And now it'll be even harder to chuck him out because he will think I've actually lost the plot.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Oh and guess what? According to his mum I'm "difficult to live with" because - wait for it - I'm so insecure!

Is it any wonder really? Of course I was when I met him, but I'm pretty sure a lot of his behaviour has made me feel worse! Rant over :)

[alwaysinamuckingfuddle]

Jesus, what a waste of space.

Loads of brilliant advice here though so best of luck, OP.

[tribpot]

You've been starved of affection, OP. Which is what makes you accept these crumbs (I don't think compliments of a sexual nature are really meant to compliment you, just remind you what you're there for). The comments of his mum, which are inevitably partisan, should be counter-balanced by the comments of your mum but that won't be happening in this case.

You know yourself, his behaviour is not acceptable. You don't need his mum to agree with you.

You can and should get back to uni. Think about why you regard it as negative, as 'crawling back', when in fact your lecturers said they would welcome you back with open arms. A whole host of things in your past (and present) are messing with your perceptions of your own self-worth. That is very, very unlikely to change until you remove the source of 'infection'.

[itried]

Withdraw your services from him - he may be depressed but he is using you. No meals for him or washing etc. Be civil to him but firm and say you will re-engage when he does so i.e. when he becomes a participant in family life. Maybe a big relief if he goes back to his parents - you won't see him in the shop as I expect his mother will go for him. Is his father like this? It is learned behaviour, so he can unlearn it!