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Original poster

so, he's has sex with a prostitute...

120 replies

lolathemagnificent27 · 18/08/2013 18:59

feeling very confused at the moment and would like some opinions please.

I met this man in february, though mutual friends, started dating in April, took things fairly slowly but got on like a house on fire, it felt right and after talking about it a few weeks ago we both agreed we were mad about each other and wanted to be together in a serious committed realtionship.

Fast forward to today when he left his mobile phone in my car by mistake but couldnt come to collect it until 2pm (i was at work)

I know, I know..I should not have done it, but thinking I was a comedy genius at the time, I went onto his facebook page to write a funny status update pretending to be him, thinking nothing of it. He saw it on his laptop we had a giggle about it and that was that.

An hour later, bored in work I thought i would have a nosey and went to his inbox. wrong, intrusive, breach of trust? maybe, but I certainly did not expect to find anything out of sorts and though I could trust him wholeheartedly so never gave it too much thought.

So the message i read was one with a very good friend of his. Lots of usual boy chat about football etc then it got a bit deeper and was reading about when my DP was on a stag-do. He was describing how it was a bit of a travel for a 'bang' (this is where I begin to feel physically sick) i think his exact words were, 'was a bit pricey too, they should've paid us after the ride we gave them, we should've went with the blondes!'

revolting or what. I was pretty shocked to say the least so scrolled up to see what else had been said. It was a few months beforehand but they were discussing a trip to amsterdam or down south for a 'strip club weekend'

I was disgusted, composed myself, put his phone away, got on with work and decided to act normal when he collected his phone and will discuss it with him at some point when I've had time to digest.

If its of any relevance, the dates of the stag doo were when we had only just met, been on a few dates and had not had sex at this point. And the 'strip club' talk was from the beginning of the year. so he was a single man free to do as he pleases and i suppose really has nothing to do with me at all. BUT, I find it repulsive none the less.

I really have no idea how I feel about the whole situation at this moment tbh. But my gut says RUN for the hills! He knows my views on strip clubs and imo someone who can pay a woman for sex is nothing but a scumbag.

so, wwyd?

I really thought this relationship would last the distance, that we had something so special, as does everyone around us, our friends/family. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could see a future together with him, to me he is the perfect gentleman, really romantic, thoughtful, caring etc. So reading this felt so alien, as if it was a completely different person! But I am well aware that people can pretend to be something they are not. Part of me hopes it was male bravado but I cannot see myself being able to be intimate with him again

could you work this through if in the same position?

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/08/2013 08:26

Reading it all, LTB.

This was a huff over the one time you didn't want to have sex.
Imagine how it would work if you lived together.

And this is the example you'd have at home for your little boy...

Do believe the first thing they say. It's what's they are really thinking. Not the I was joking or the apologies.

Suesue22 · 19/08/2013 08:32

After his comment about dinner and expecting sex sounds like he paid for and thinks he gets what he wants. Sounds like he's done before. Dump...

LoisPuddingLane · 19/08/2013 08:40

I don't know if anyone has had the misfortune to read that website where men give reviews of prostitutes (punters something) but there are a lot of users of sex workers who believe that the women are actually enjoying it too. Quite a few reckoned that the woman had an orgasm. Yup, because when you are servicing several men a day and letting strangers but their knob up your arse or wherever, you are really going to love it. I was just reminded of it by that "they should have paid US" remark.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/08/2013 08:45

Waltzing matilda you're not real are you??

AlwaysOneMissing · 19/08/2013 08:46

I honestly think that if you stay with this man you will regret it.
The more entwined your lives become, the more emotionally involved you are, the more your little DS becomes attached to DP, the harder it will be to end things when he lets his guard down and treats you as you know deep down he will end up doing.
It's becoming obvious he doesn't have enough respect for women, and I bet if you think about it, there will be other signs or comments he has made that show his true feelings about women that you may have just brushed off at the time.

Him suggesting you 'owed' him sex after he paid for dinner is a massive red flag. Especially since this is the first time you have not been up for it.
He is telling you who he really is - listen to him.

Mwirren · 19/08/2013 10:05

Men like this treat a new girlfriend better than they generally treat women but the same man will treat a long term girlfriend or wife far worse than he generally treats his female acquaintances. Ime. I should have reacted more pro-actively to the signs my x clearly gave out that he had no respect for women. It was hard to read what was right in front of me though, when he was (at that point) being nice to me. don't whatever you do move in with him.

SirRaymondClench · 19/08/2013 10:31

This man has such a fucked up view of women.
You cannot stay with him.
He views you the same as he does those prostitutes who 'should have paid them'.
He sees women (you included) as second rate citizens who are there just to be shagged by him.
He reminds me of a 'friend' on my brother who went out with my SIL friend. When she said she didn't want to go out with him any more he threw £20s in her face and called her a whore.
Please get rid of him.

Dam58 · 19/08/2013 10:41

It is very difficult to maintain the moral high ground when you have been reading personal messages from before you were dating.
Men talk a lot of bravado and bulls* to each other and they could have been exaggerating.
Personally i'd be more concerned about his childish and immature behaviour the other evening when you didn't have sex.
Do you think that perhaps the love and excitement of your new relationship has blinded you slightly to his shortcomings and now that you have doubt you're seeing him more clearly?
Just a thought.

miemohrs · 19/08/2013 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdisappointed · 19/08/2013 10:59

Dam - actually she absolutely can claim the moral high ground there is no comparison nor even close

LoopThePoop · 19/08/2013 11:06

The 'I bought you dinner and you fall asleep' comment would piss me off more than the stuff that happened before you were a couple.

For that alone I would be looking elsewhere.
A friend of mine started off in a relationship and there was jokey comments like that. They are now married, together 12 years and every job or favour is met with what the other can do in return. It's pure tit for tat and resentment at the expectation that everything is paid for in some way. That includes using sex as a bargaining tool.

It started off like your dinner comment.

LoisPuddingLane · 19/08/2013 11:07

A friend of mine used to feel perfectly justified checking her partner's phone and email/facebook. He hadn't actually cheated on her but she felt that she needed to know and this was the only way. I disagreed. I think it showed huge lack of trust.

It also means you find things out like your partner using a prostitute and then having banter about it. I'm torn - I would want to know that but I disagree with the method of finding out. But would OP have found out any other way?

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/08/2013 11:17

Leave this scumbag.

He used another human being as a receptacle to have sex into. It disgusts me on every level.

Also he views sex as his right if he's paid for it, whether with cash or with dinner.

What a foul person.

End it.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 19/08/2013 13:56

Its not so much that he pays for sex it that he thinks he buys women.
I work in sexual health and I know its not impossible for there to be affection and even respect between CSWs and their clients, its just not very common. Sadly I doesn't sound as though your OH had any affection or respect for the CSWs he frequents.

Imagine the conversation between your OH and his pal was about a restaurant they went to:
"It was a bit far to go for a steak, a bit pricey too, they should have paid us for eating it, we should have gone for the fish"
It still makes perfect sense because your OH thinks of sexually active women as a commodity, not as human beings.
His comment about buying you dinner lets you know he counts you as one of these commodities, he thinks he just needs to use a different currency.

Run for the hills.

Also Mwirren's comment about how he would treat a long term female partner is worth thinking about.

BasilBabyEater · 19/08/2013 14:27

"Men talk a lot of bravado and bulls* to each other and they could have been exaggerating."

True. But only nobbish men talk that sort of bulls* and bravado and I'd question why any woman would have such low standards that they'd think that sort of nobbishness is tolerable.

Women should expect more of men. People live down to your expectations of them.

Lweji · 19/08/2013 14:28

Even if it was just bravado, his reaction to not having sex is a huge red flag.

Stay away.

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 19/08/2013 16:30

Each and every reply has been really helpful in getting my thoughts together, thank you

Im definately ending it. I've told him how I feel and meeting him tomorrow to get my belonings back and him his. Im gutted however. We were great together but yes I have lost all respect for him. Think I may be single for a hell of a long time trying to find someone who doesnt visit strip clubs etc but I know ill be happier that way than the alternative

OP posts:
MexicanHat · 19/08/2013 16:35

So sorry you feel so gutted about the relationship ending OP. Have you given him any reason for ending it? May have missed it but does he know you saw his messages?

Original poster
lolathemagnificent27 · 19/08/2013 16:43

Hi mexican yes I spoke to him earlier today about it. He knows I saw the messages. He automatically admitted it and said he regrets it but thats not enough for me. He is devastated, to the extent of begging me not to end it. I did feel we were perfect for each other but the pressurising me into sex the other night freaked me out, a lot. Im only 27 so I have a lot of time yet to find 'the one'

No point settling, when another stag came up, its all I would think about and I dont fancy living like that

Stupid men!!

OP posts:
DogonBed · 19/08/2013 16:46

I am sure you have made the right decision for you which is what matters

MexicanHat · 19/08/2013 16:52

I know!! I fell for a guy big time, he seemed so respectful to women. I then found out his marriage had ended because he cheated on his pregnant wife with a woman from work Hmm

everlong · 19/08/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BasilBabyEater · 19/08/2013 17:00

Good for you.

You don't have to settle for someone like this. It's better to be single, but probably not necessary - there are loads of men out there who are better than this one and at 27, you've got loads of time to find one worthy of you.

FourGates · 19/08/2013 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 19/08/2013 17:19

Are you ok, OP, its a nasty thing to find out but you've handled it well.

I'm going to put my nurse hat on now and say its probably a good idea to go and get tested for STIs. I don't think you're at any more risk than if he'd been sleeping with women he didn't pay (in fact possibly a bit less as CSWs tend to use condoms more often and get tested more regularly) but as with all sex there still is a risk and its always good to get these things sorted out as quickly as possible.

Good luck, my lovely DH turned up in my living room when I was 28 :)